stilesface
Bluelighter
It's a long story, but I think all addicts have a long story. It's the dark chapters of our stories that lead us to use in the first place. I was single mom in my late 20's, diagnosed and unmedicated bi-polar, great career, life together, filled with sadness. I met a carbon copy of me in male form, Ceasar. Skyrocketed career, single dad, medicated bi-polar. He was a closet meth user. I had never touched drugs beyond pot. I never knew the warning signs of meth and he was too far in to stop from introducing me. When we met we fell hard. In my life I never have known acceptance, understanding and love like I experienced with him.
A few months in, in a moment of my life long battle with impulsivity, I quit my high end management job after an argument with my boss. I had my savings and retirement and Ceasar's support, all would be well. I gave a one month notice and planned to take time off to center my career focus and spend time with my son. Cessar had been chasing his white dragon, I assume and was shortly there after dismissed from his high level job in business analytics. We decided he should move in with me and we would band together. Us against the world. In 3 weeks we went from a combined $200k per year to my savings and 401k and his unemployment, but we were happy and in love.
Getting to the point. He revealed his meth use to me. I only told him to keep it away from me, I have always had an addictive streak and had always steered clear of drugs because I have needed an escape and knew if I found one I'd die pursuing it. Money runs low and he starts hustling. We go hungry from time to time but rent's paid, I'm sober, he is maintaining and we're still in love and happy. Several months into his hustle, it's my birthday and I ask to try meth. I've seen him maintain and as kindred spirits I would be ok. Stupid girl. I tried it on my 30th birthday in a hotel room. Ceasar taught me to roll glass and I lost myself.
In short time his use escalated. He went from coming home at midnight to 2, 4, dawn and then every couple of days. I started stealing from his stash and parachuting it. We fought viciously but indifferently. My beautiful son, who thought of Ceassr as a male role model sat in the wings until I took him to my ex husband's house for several weeks. Ceasar was arrested twice in short time for felonies. I bailed him out both times and we went on a 5 day bend that left me hiding in a public stairwell alone not knowing where I was and wandering for hours until Ceasar found me huddled in a church parking lot.
Shortly thereafter, he meets a 20 year-old postitute and moves out after we have huge battles. Meth takes me to psychosis consistently and he cuts me off. He changes his number, sends his ex wife for his things and disappeared. I pulled my shit together for a couple of months. After almost a year unemployed I land a fantastic job in my field that pays very well. My son and I heal. I cried over Ceasar regularly, but I was clean until an old contact of his got in touch with me. I never acquired much, but whatever I bought I smoked until it was gone. I'm addicted to the ritual. And then he e-mailed me.
We hadn't spoken in months. I craved him and his acceptance of me because his lack of judgement justified my continuing use. He was homeless. Broken. Hurting. I got him a place to live filled it with food. Enabled and enabled and enabled. And he gave me unlimited supply for it. That was 2 months ago. He is now an iv user and I'm a daily smoker. I keep giving him money and food and I realized I'm killing us both. And I realized that the conversation I will have to have with his son when he gets of age if Ceasar dies, would kill me. I'm an addict. I was a co- dependent, I have enabled him, I have procured a supply from him that would last me a month but I asked him not to give it to me. I have not used in almost two days. All I want is to blind myself to the situation and all I want is to be clean. I hate him, I love him, I understand him. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to meth. I've done neither in two days. I'm broken, I'm strong, he's dying. We weren't supposed to hurt as badly as we always had once we had one another. But now I chase clouds, he slams and loses days of life to a different personality and we lose our lives and I cradle my son and ask to the universe to save me. Fairly certain it's too late to save my Ceasar. The man with the soft soul that he sokd.
Sorry a novel. I ramble and except for my brother in a different continent no one knows. I alienated everyone, have no parents. I have so much to say and no one to listen. I have lifelong abandonment issues, mental illness, feelings of being unworthy and patterns of abuse. Aside from my father's bi-polar and alcoholism, the rest of my family survives well but has left the US. My son and I live alone. I know myself and know if I go much longer I won't stop, my son will be raised in foster care and my legacy will be destruction. Before he introduced me to meth Ceasar introduced me to being loved and cared for. I'd forgotten what that felt like since my mom's death a decade ago. I paid his rent through February, his place is right next to my work. I won't pah anymore. I stopped buying food. I want to be free of him and meth and I don't know how. I'm addicted to both and my son curls up next to me with his big deep eyes and I know he deserves more than I received and more than he's getting. "Love is so short, forgetting so long."
A few months in, in a moment of my life long battle with impulsivity, I quit my high end management job after an argument with my boss. I had my savings and retirement and Ceasar's support, all would be well. I gave a one month notice and planned to take time off to center my career focus and spend time with my son. Cessar had been chasing his white dragon, I assume and was shortly there after dismissed from his high level job in business analytics. We decided he should move in with me and we would band together. Us against the world. In 3 weeks we went from a combined $200k per year to my savings and 401k and his unemployment, but we were happy and in love.
Getting to the point. He revealed his meth use to me. I only told him to keep it away from me, I have always had an addictive streak and had always steered clear of drugs because I have needed an escape and knew if I found one I'd die pursuing it. Money runs low and he starts hustling. We go hungry from time to time but rent's paid, I'm sober, he is maintaining and we're still in love and happy. Several months into his hustle, it's my birthday and I ask to try meth. I've seen him maintain and as kindred spirits I would be ok. Stupid girl. I tried it on my 30th birthday in a hotel room. Ceasar taught me to roll glass and I lost myself.
In short time his use escalated. He went from coming home at midnight to 2, 4, dawn and then every couple of days. I started stealing from his stash and parachuting it. We fought viciously but indifferently. My beautiful son, who thought of Ceassr as a male role model sat in the wings until I took him to my ex husband's house for several weeks. Ceasar was arrested twice in short time for felonies. I bailed him out both times and we went on a 5 day bend that left me hiding in a public stairwell alone not knowing where I was and wandering for hours until Ceasar found me huddled in a church parking lot.
Shortly thereafter, he meets a 20 year-old postitute and moves out after we have huge battles. Meth takes me to psychosis consistently and he cuts me off. He changes his number, sends his ex wife for his things and disappeared. I pulled my shit together for a couple of months. After almost a year unemployed I land a fantastic job in my field that pays very well. My son and I heal. I cried over Ceasar regularly, but I was clean until an old contact of his got in touch with me. I never acquired much, but whatever I bought I smoked until it was gone. I'm addicted to the ritual. And then he e-mailed me.
We hadn't spoken in months. I craved him and his acceptance of me because his lack of judgement justified my continuing use. He was homeless. Broken. Hurting. I got him a place to live filled it with food. Enabled and enabled and enabled. And he gave me unlimited supply for it. That was 2 months ago. He is now an iv user and I'm a daily smoker. I keep giving him money and food and I realized I'm killing us both. And I realized that the conversation I will have to have with his son when he gets of age if Ceasar dies, would kill me. I'm an addict. I was a co- dependent, I have enabled him, I have procured a supply from him that would last me a month but I asked him not to give it to me. I have not used in almost two days. All I want is to blind myself to the situation and all I want is to be clean. I hate him, I love him, I understand him. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to meth. I've done neither in two days. I'm broken, I'm strong, he's dying. We weren't supposed to hurt as badly as we always had once we had one another. But now I chase clouds, he slams and loses days of life to a different personality and we lose our lives and I cradle my son and ask to the universe to save me. Fairly certain it's too late to save my Ceasar. The man with the soft soul that he sokd.
Sorry a novel. I ramble and except for my brother in a different continent no one knows. I alienated everyone, have no parents. I have so much to say and no one to listen. I have lifelong abandonment issues, mental illness, feelings of being unworthy and patterns of abuse. Aside from my father's bi-polar and alcoholism, the rest of my family survives well but has left the US. My son and I live alone. I know myself and know if I go much longer I won't stop, my son will be raised in foster care and my legacy will be destruction. Before he introduced me to meth Ceasar introduced me to being loved and cared for. I'd forgotten what that felt like since my mom's death a decade ago. I paid his rent through February, his place is right next to my work. I won't pah anymore. I stopped buying food. I want to be free of him and meth and I don't know how. I'm addicted to both and my son curls up next to me with his big deep eyes and I know he deserves more than I received and more than he's getting. "Love is so short, forgetting so long."
30 days clean is an accomplishment and a huge step forwards. 
Quite jealous actually, the scene you've set sounds utterly idyllic to me. Don't wanna swap places do you? I've got a little back-to-back house in a shitty inner city in the North of England to offer if you fancy it? ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
