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Lost in deep thought(new thoughts added daily)

T

TecknoticDream

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 3, 2001
Messages
256
Location
Cincinnati,Ohio,USA
(This is all just random thoughts written down so it might not make any scence to some,thought about life and how much it has changed for me....)
I'm lost in deep thought....
thought of every thing that has happened this year...
and how it has forever changed me.....
Who ever thought this could happen......
That one year could change your life forever.....
that just one persons words could totaly change the way you live your life and the way you think..
I'm lost for words...
all I can do is think...
I'm thinking of the night I met the people that mean the most to me on a hot night in July...
they have been my best friends ever since....
they mean the world to me and they are probally my only reason for being here today,they have saved me in more ways then one and I luv em with all my heart and soul.........
I'm thinking of that night when it all kinda changed,
the night I went to my first party,I think that night changed me the most,
I was with my friends,for the first time in my life i felt..well...
like I was in the right place for once...
Now thoughts of my first love and how he broke my heart,I cant believe I was dumb enough to fall for him but I know in my heart that if I hadent I might not be who I am today....
So many thoughts........
I just cant stop thinking for some reason...
Now thoughts of my future...
what on earth am i going do with my life,I have asked my self this so many time before,I want to be a teacher in a way but that means no more parties,I know,I whana help others so much,Hearing that I have helped so one even if it was the simpelist ting totaly makes my day seem perfect no matted what goes wroung.....I love to make people smile,I guess my life was ment for helping others but I just cant figure out how to at the moment,Maybe I'll spin because I love music...
now my thoughts are on right now.....how I am changing even as I think....every little action changes me even when I do noitice it....I dont really know about right now,I guess I feel kinda lost in a big world....I'm half child and half adult,life seems pretty stressful but as a friend once told me with out all the stress and drama that fills our lives life would all be happy and you cant be happy with out sadness because you have to have both to have either of them,life would be boring,and meaning less........
ok this is all weird because I am writing and posting all these thoughts on life and writing it all as I think,ok maybe its because i feel I need to let my friends on here know how i feel,maybe its because im bored........
but now everyone knows just a lil bit more of wtf is going on in my mind,lmao
heres who I am...
I am sarcastic often....often rather bittely sarcastic,
I think alot sometimes,others I'm just silly,
I love to dance and write
I love music........
my friends are my world and I would give my soul just so they would be happy
I love to party,I guess you could say tha I only truely feel at home when I am at a party with my friends.....
I'm not what everyone wants me to be,I d what I want and say what I want,I'm rather shy around people I don't know but i never shut up near my friends.....
I think and think and think and think........
I guess this is who i was ment to be,a dreamer, a thinker,a friend,an artist,a dancer,a party kid.....its all just parts of my life.....
I am sarah.........
[ 27 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
[ 28 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
[ 29 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
[ 31 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
[ 01 January 2002: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
 
you left off one last line,it should have said...
"I am beutiful"
coz you are and I hope to see it in the continuation :)
you sound so much like me its scary,yet so different as well...I hate parties and I dont dance but all I want to do in life is help people but I really dont know in what way
anyway put up more as soon as you can coz Id love to read it
[ 28 December 2001: Message edited by: harraser ]
 
lost in thought again......
now thoughts are on mom.....
I hate her so much,its as if she doesnt even care,I havent seen her in nearly two years,she ddidnt even bother to call me on my 15th birthday.......I hate her,and yet I miss her,I hate the feeling of not being luved by my own famiy and yet I feel it soooo strongly and it truely hurts......
My family wont except me for me anymore,they miss the old me,they miss the girl with long blonde hair,preppy,and always doing what they told me to do.....now i have shirt black hair,im a raver,i dont do what all they tell me to do,i no longer go to their church because i have converted to Wicca.....they dispise the fact that I am wiccan......thats why the majiorty of my moms side of the family have broken off contact with me......I hate it......but I am at the point where I dont care becaue i want nothing to d with people that cant except me for me..........
I live with my dad,he works his ass off to take care of my sis and I,I may say hate him but I dont,If it werent for him i would still be living with my druggie bitch mother........
speaking of drugs......
i dunno anymore,I almost lost my life on xtc a few weeks back,I guess that you could say that I am totaly done with em....I used to be a etard,pot head and god knows what else,now I'm just a chain smoker which totaly sux because it is soooooo hard to quit.......
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant stop thinking and it is driving me insane here as I watch my life pass befor my eyes,I am watching it all happen and everything go befor my eyes and i cant do anything about it and I just whana cry......I dont want my friends to cry,I dont want them to run away,I dont want them to be sad,i dont want them to fight.........I hate seeing all of this,I have grown up waaaaaay to fast that it is not even cool,i feel like I am a like 1000 trapped in the body of a 15 year old.....
I miss the past....I wish I could go back and change it all in some ways but then again I dont because if I were to change it then I could not be who i am today.....I miss shawn,I wish he hadent taken his own life,it still hurts so much even though that all happened nearly 3 years ago....sounds insane but I have caught my self talking to him in my dreams.....I keep havng a dream abotu the last time i saw him alive,and in the dream i am aware that it is a dream but it is a chance to say good bye,but right befor i say good bye he disappears....and I wake up,and I cry....life is so hard.......
I know I am here for some reason...I know what that reason is,to change others lives,to make them smile,but how I just havent discovered yet....maybe I'll know tomorrow,maybe not for many years,but someday I will find reason in life,some thing thta will not only help me but others as well......
I just wonder what all happened....when did I change so much?this has all happened in the time frame of a year..
i went from beng a shallow bitchy beauty pageant preppy cheerleading girl....to a girl who actually cares and doenst want others to cry,who actually wants to do something with her life,who actually wants to live........I didnt always want to live to see tomorrow...but now...I do.....
theres only one thing i fear in life and that is love.I have been hurt so many times by guys that its not even funny,hell even my first love back in may totaly ripped my heart out....wait a sec......i think i figured it out....just now......thats what changed it all,thats what changed me.....i was totaly diffrent before i was with him,and i totaly changed after him.........I cant believe all this time the answer to what changed me was right under my nose the whole time..........damn......thats kinda scary that i just figured out that one.......
I want to be a writer when I grow up,I want to be a dj and a writer,my two loves in life....writing,and music.....maybe thats what i was ment to do,writing can change and touch others more then anything as well as music,it can totaly take your breath away....everytime i walk into the doors of a venue the music sweeps me off my feet and takes my soul.........i love that feeling,that one of the main reasons why i love parties,most people say that you cant just go to a party for just the music,that if you say it you are lieing,welp I think music is one of my main reasons nextto my friends for going......i cant wait untill my next party....every single one is like pure ecstasy....thats the feeling when i walk in,like ecstsay,but the funny thing is....i party sober,all i take at parties is maybe a lil caffine,thats it..........
im gonna work on this more later,
so far in life i hav learned that friends are everything in ones life....i luv mine,they are my world.........everyone says that I'm sweet,that I am really caring,that I am so easy to talk to when ever they need it,i guess thats just me......maybe thats a good idea,for me to talk to people about their problems when I do grow up on the out side,i say on the out side because i know i haver on the inside.......
I'm me...
I'm a dancer
a dreamer
a friend
a listener
a cryer
a wisher
a party girl
a music lover....
I want to help others
hell I whana shange teir lives,
dayum i whana change the world......
I'm someone who has hopes(true,they are high hopes)
I'm no longer shallow,
I'm no longer mean,
I guess that now I am a diffrent girl
I care
I help
thats what makes someone beautiful,
just maybe i might be(on the inside that is :) thanx)
[ 28 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
 
no girl, thank you! my heads swimming a little coz of your words on top of the fact that I just finished an hour walk in this fucking heat,so if I ramble a bit here youll know why :)
Darls theres so much I want to say about what you just wrote that I just dont know where to start....
bout your mum...I know its hard but the sad fact is,and it is a SAD fact, that a lot of parents dont care, now for all I now your mum might,I dont know your situation, but I know people who really dont have a family because their family doesnt want them and they found more happiness than ever and a REAL family in their freinds,I know my freinds mean just as much to me as anyone Im related to by blood.
as for you being Wiccan thats f'n great but just be careful,in any sort of occultism, especially wicca, its emotions that feed the fire and you obviously have strong emotions so you just need the strength to control them.like a fire they can rage out of control and destroy everything if not kept in check,and usually its the persons life that gets fucked up, but if controlled your emotions can take you to places youve never dreamed of....Im rambling,sorry.
theres so much more I want to say that I think Ill print your writing and email you after Ive sorted my thoughts out....but on a shalower note,I prefer raver girls with dark hair to blond cheerleader types anyday ;)
luv ya dear.
*anthony gives Sarah a big wet smmmmmmmooch on the forehead :) *
[ 29 December 2001: Message edited by: harraser ]
 
Lost in deep thought......part 3
ok I know I am starting to turn this into a mini journal but oh well,lmao...
I keep thinking about the past few days.....I just got home today,I ran away for a few days(with the plan of returning,i just needed time to think outside of my home)I found lost friend ships that I thought had no hope,I found hope for my future,and I finally became thankful for all I have......I am thankful for having such luving and caring friends,my fater and lil sis,and having a real home.......
I made new bonds with a few people in the past few days as well,I feel like I can finally relax a lil bit and not constantaly worry about everything..........
I'm really worried about some of my friends at the moment......I hate worrying so muc and I know they don't want me to woyy so much but I just can't help but worry when I know what they are doing is wrong.....I'm afraid they are going to mess up their lives at such young ages.....I luv em all more then anything and I don't want to see any of them get hurt......
I wonder where I am going in this life,will I live to see tomorrow?will I meet the love of my life on monday?will I live to bee 100?will I ever reach all my goals?I fell kinda lost in this huge world.........
I don't know how I will feel tomorrow,Will I be sad?happy?mad?I'm kinda fearful of the future because I dont know what to expect....everything just feels weird lately,like something has changed,something big,but I don't know what that something is.......It sucks being a teen,I'm not exactly a child,but I'm not yet an adult....just stuck in the middle.......I have the mind of an adult in many ways,but I still am a lil kid at heart.....only a few people know the real me,they know that no matter what I am always a lil kid at heart :) hehehe,heck I am serious and think alot...but when I'm with them I just cant help but be a silly lil girl :) lmao......i guess I am thinking WAY to much lately.......I have writen down nearly every single thought on paper and posted a few on here......its kinda strange,I guess I didnt realise I thought this much :) lmao,
welp ill continue this soem other time :)
**Me huggs harraser**
[ 30 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
 
I loved reading your thoughts, i think you have a gift.. Not everyone can sum everything into words so well.And you make it seem so easy, I don't really know what to say on how it made me feel, It made me feel somewhat connected, on a level.. It's weird how so many people are in the world and think the same things and probally feel them too..I Know what you mean about love changing you, how certain people change you, and how they leave you out in the middle of a spiral staircase going everywhich way but out, and you trapped in the maze and have to find your own way out, And at how hard it is . And how much you try to change and it doesn't help but the minute you stop worrying about it it does it on it's own.. Belive me things will get better. :) your are a writer and A simply beatiful one at that.. :D
 
lost in deep thought part 4..........
I feel so free today,the birth of a new year is coming rather quickly.......
I am kinda scared of the future but I am looking forward to all the new experiances in which I shall encounter this new year......
one of my dear friends is moving away only days after new years so I am kinda sad about that one...I hate the fact that my friends move but in a way I am happy because he is probally doing this so he will be happy,the happiness of my friends really means alot to me.........
I spent hours making Kandie last night(no I not a kandie kid but I do make Kandie to give to my friends becaue the majority of them are kandie kids)I just sat there thinking about all that has happened this past year..of the friends I have made,friends that I thought were true but stabed me in the back,my first love,.my first heart break,first date,first boyfriend,first kiss,the revenge i got with many ex's for breaking my heart(lmao)just pretty much thinking about how it has all changed me from the once snobby bitch to the girl I am today.....
I realsed that I once stood there in front of a mirror doing my hait and makeup for hours,now i realise that on the outside doesnt matter really and if someone doesnt like me for who I am they cant just kiss my @$$.....I have desided to just be myself......the simple lil party girl....i dont have to wear so much kandie that it looks like i am wearing body armor....i dont have to look like a beauty queen anymore.......I have to just be myself,inside and out....
I was really depressed about alot that has happened in the past(ex .one of my best friends killed himself when i was 12)but then a friend told me this"the past is set in stone,all you can do is hope for a better tomorrow"those words hit me like a bullet......it was so deep,it really made me think more.......about the bad times,the sad times,and the in-between times....made me realise that I shouldnt waste my time worrying so much about what cant be changed.....I'm so glad he said that to me.........
I am so glad about tonight,I get to spend my new years with my friends and I get to be in the one place where I feel free,that would be a party :) i feel so alive right now,like NOTHING could make me sad...I am truely sad about some things going on in my life at the moment but truely happy about what is yet to come......
I have to go now but I must say this.....
*says aloud*"heres to the future,the best is yet to come"
happy new years to all who read this,thank you for all the complimants :)
**me huggs yall**
[ 31 December 2001: Message edited by: TecknoticDream ]
 
darls Im half way through writing you that email I promised a while ago so Ill say it all there but I hope your new years was good.luv harasa :)
 
I am terrified.......terrified of tomorrow.....
terrified of Love.......terrified of heart break.....terrified of life......................
I feel kinda insecure at the moment....,I feel kinda lost and like I am missing out on something in life,but I am still wondering what the something is....I have all I need,but I have a hole in my heart at the moment,It might just be the fact that I have been thinking waaaaaay to much lately and many of those thoughts were those of love and my past.....times that i miss.......
I'm just too tired to write alot at the moment..i have a horrible head ach and my mind is over loaded with thought and my heart is over filled with so many emotions..........***huggs***
 
welp ok kiddies i am thinking again....i didnt get to go to sleep...but oh well............
as i write this i have a heart full of emotion,a mind full of thoughts,and eyes full of tears......
Right now I am listening to this HHC song...most of you have probally heard it....Its called"love of my life"
"You'll always be the love of my life,The love of my life,You'll always be the one that I want,Drivin me craZy"
welp this song just kinda hits my heart pretty hard,makes me think about what I once had..and how much I miss it all.....the feeling of being secure,of being loved and loving someone,ya i know i'm hella young but i have mentally grown up rateher fast concidering all that i have been threw in my life,i swear i feel as if i am 100 and not 15.............
I swear i would give my soul to have my friends with me at this very moment....i hate being alone when i feel depressed....i hate crying.....i hate this...this feeling....it is truely the number one worst feeling ever,i wouldnt even wish it on the people in which i dislike the most.....
Ahhhhhhhhh i cant tell weather i am happy or sad now!!!!!uuuuuuuuuuugh this is so not good......
 
ahhhhh honey what to say, what to say.....
I know how you feel,Im always alone when Im depressed and its always the one or two people I feel like being around to make me happier who arent answering their phones,what can I say,you get through it, its the only choice you have....
Id like to be there with you but the fact that theres an ocean between us and that I dont actually own a computer sort of makes it hard,but if you feel like writing to me Im always happy to read your thoughts,nomatter how depressing...
well my thoughts area with you ok,luv ya heaps
your loving and faceless freind ant :)
 
Ok first of all I just want to say thank you to all who have replied to this thread with such nice words about my writing :) Much luv to all of you(especialy to ant for the never ending support of my writing)dang this thread is turning into my life story or some shit,lmao
ok now moving on.........
Have you ever felt like you wish it would all stop?like you could just STOP time and keep everything as is?I kinda do.as said befor I am so afraid of the future,mainly becuase I dont know what is in it for me..I dont know if I will be alive to see tomorrow,life can end at any moment.......I might live to be 100(but i doubt that one seeing as how i smoke)I want life to stay as is,I'm finally happy,I have all I need,Hell I just feel so free and I dont want that feeling to go away :( I know that with in a matter of hours something will happen and I shall once again be sad....I finally got out of rock bottom just hours agao.I had hit it back November and had been really depressed the past month or so......I honsetly don't even know why I was depressed to begin with...kinda nuts...
Any more its as if I am happy one moment then I think and I'm like totaly consumed with depression all over again........
One of my friends did something that truely hurt me a few days ago..On new years eve her and I went to a party down town...She decided to roll and run off,I spent half the time looking for her....that pissed me off to begin wiht.then when it came time to leave she was like"no no no I want to go to the after party sally!"I coundlt go due to the fact that my father was on his way to pick me up and i coundlnt just up and leave and then him arive and me not be there..I would be in DEEP shit..so I just left with my daddy...the folowing day I called her house to talk to her sis who is my best friend(becky aka fidgit)and asked if she had arrived home safely and how cracked out she was...becky said this"what?is she walking home or something from your house"I was like"she was supposed to be home by now,she went to an after party last night,i thought she was home by now"and from there on we spent our time tracking her down...we finally found her,but when we were going to pick her up and called and they said she wasnt there....I sat there crying and crying...because 1.a friend of mune was missing and 2.if she didnt return home I wouldnt be aloud to talk to her sis who is my best friend n e more due to the fact that their dad would blame it all on me.....I was totaly terrified that I might lose one of my friends,as all who have read this already know all I have in my life is my friends,they are the only ones who are ever there when I hit rock bottom,when ever i fall the give me a hand and help me up......finally today her dad found out she was missing so her dad first called my dad,then me..then the police...well to cut the stroy short turns out she was trying to runaway and is now probally in juvie seeing as how the police picked her up and this was a violation of some court thingie.......ugh I cant believe she did that..luckily me and fidgit can still be friends.....and now we know where ***** is at....she may not be in the best place in the world now but at least we know shes safe and not going anywhere....
I cant stop thinking about it all..I just read something a friend posted on a message board..I'm speechless.......
I wish I could just make up my mind already...about many things...I always just shove things that need to be done off to the side so I can do other things that have no importance...thats a really bad habit...ugh...
ok this one song I just have to post the lyrics.....
In The End,Linkin Park....
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me ,in the end.......
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
---------------------------------------
Kinda strange but I really wonder if thats how it is.does anything really even matter?is there a heaven or a hell?are there spirits amoung us?what is there in the sky past what we can see,past all the stars and planets?farhter then what we have yet discovered......Dont you ever just wonder about it all?like about whats out there?what is in store for you in the future?what is after death?and who you are?do you ever wonder what life would be like if you werent born?what life would be like if you lost all that matters?or what the world is going to be like when your gone?I have,I actually am at the moment............
 
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