mushroompizza
Greenlighter
My apologies if this is a boring read- but these are things that I've avoided thinking about and I need to put my thoughts into words.
I have a pretty screwed up past. I've suffered from social anxiety disorder for a long time, and I allowed it to wreck my life. I dropped out of high school and became a shut-in. For brevity's sake I won't go into details, but it's pretty difficult to make progress in life once you paint yourself into a corner that way. It left me crippled in many ways, especially my social skills. At [deleted] I'm still struggling to recover. I finally finished my Bachelor's degree this year.
I didn't do drugs at all until my 20s, and before being introduced to opiates I never had a problem, just a bit of weed and acid/shrooms now and then. Two years ago I started using hydrocodone and oxycontin, but it never developed into a problem because I didn't have the money or a steady supply to develop a habit. Then a year ago I made the fateful decision to try poppy tea after finding out about it online. Somehow I had developed a notion that PT was a soft drug (like marijuana) and didn't take the warnings of addiction and mental despair very seriously. I figured I had common sense, and I could keep my use moderate to avoid potentially being addicted.8)
You can probably guess what happened from there. I learned that the human brain is very effective at rationalizing bad decisions when it comes to achieving euphoric highs. I started coming up with excuses to bump up my usage. Cold dark night with not much to do? Brew a cup. Too sore to go to martial arts class? Five or six pods the night before will take care of that. And so it went, pretty soon I'm making PT every other day. It was great at first. I slept like a log, I was relaxed but energetic and doing martial arts was great with a PT afterglow. I was very content with my life at that point.
I was becoming very content with a life that was in reality miserable and in need of serious life changes. The reality is that I don't have any real talents, have very few friends, and I live with my parents. There are things that I should be doing, like improving my computer skills, playing a musical instrument, writing poetry, anything constructive. I don't want to be a life-long loser that no woman would want to be with, and that's exactly what I'm going to be as long as I'm addicted to opiates.
I want to change my outlook on life. I want to be a man who's passionate about life, who lives to face life's challenges and feels grateful for every day that he wakes up. I don't want to be this shell of a person anymore. The person who's too lazy and cowardly to give it his all because he's afraid of failure. The person who doesn't try things that are difficult because his fragile ego can't accept the disappointment that failure would bring.
No more running from my problems. No more doing things half-assed. The first thing I need to do is get off PT and get my life in order. Time to set goals and stick with them. I'm getting off the tea now. I've been using for about a year now, with heavy usage for the last 4 months or so. I've never experienced opiate withdrawal but I know it won't be easy. I already feel like shit in the mornings if I go a couple days without it- feeling exhausted, aching spine, chills. But I have to do this.
I have a pretty screwed up past. I've suffered from social anxiety disorder for a long time, and I allowed it to wreck my life. I dropped out of high school and became a shut-in. For brevity's sake I won't go into details, but it's pretty difficult to make progress in life once you paint yourself into a corner that way. It left me crippled in many ways, especially my social skills. At [deleted] I'm still struggling to recover. I finally finished my Bachelor's degree this year.
I didn't do drugs at all until my 20s, and before being introduced to opiates I never had a problem, just a bit of weed and acid/shrooms now and then. Two years ago I started using hydrocodone and oxycontin, but it never developed into a problem because I didn't have the money or a steady supply to develop a habit. Then a year ago I made the fateful decision to try poppy tea after finding out about it online. Somehow I had developed a notion that PT was a soft drug (like marijuana) and didn't take the warnings of addiction and mental despair very seriously. I figured I had common sense, and I could keep my use moderate to avoid potentially being addicted.8)
You can probably guess what happened from there. I learned that the human brain is very effective at rationalizing bad decisions when it comes to achieving euphoric highs. I started coming up with excuses to bump up my usage. Cold dark night with not much to do? Brew a cup. Too sore to go to martial arts class? Five or six pods the night before will take care of that. And so it went, pretty soon I'm making PT every other day. It was great at first. I slept like a log, I was relaxed but energetic and doing martial arts was great with a PT afterglow. I was very content with my life at that point.
I was becoming very content with a life that was in reality miserable and in need of serious life changes. The reality is that I don't have any real talents, have very few friends, and I live with my parents. There are things that I should be doing, like improving my computer skills, playing a musical instrument, writing poetry, anything constructive. I don't want to be a life-long loser that no woman would want to be with, and that's exactly what I'm going to be as long as I'm addicted to opiates.
I want to change my outlook on life. I want to be a man who's passionate about life, who lives to face life's challenges and feels grateful for every day that he wakes up. I don't want to be this shell of a person anymore. The person who's too lazy and cowardly to give it his all because he's afraid of failure. The person who doesn't try things that are difficult because his fragile ego can't accept the disappointment that failure would bring.
No more running from my problems. No more doing things half-assed. The first thing I need to do is get off PT and get my life in order. Time to set goals and stick with them. I'm getting off the tea now. I've been using for about a year now, with heavy usage for the last 4 months or so. I've never experienced opiate withdrawal but I know it won't be easy. I already feel like shit in the mornings if I go a couple days without it- feeling exhausted, aching spine, chills. But I have to do this.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
