Lost and tired

[OxyMedic]

Hi This is my first time posting here though I have been browsing these forums for about a year. I'm 21 years old and a paramedic for a world famous fire dept, I live what appears to be a normal life girlfriend,apartment,etc. But I have also been addicted to opiates for about 6 years now using for 8. This drug has controlled my life for so long qlmost half my time on earth I don't know what normal is anymore and cannot remember. I feel lost and hopeless, scared and tired, I have been so depressed over the last couple of months that when i'm not working I sit in my room and isolate myself from everyone. Three weeks ago I IV'd oxycodone 30mg for the first time and binged everyday up until 3 days ago when during a mental break down I locked myself jn my bathroom with my gear and proceeded to start to shootup, well my girlfriend caught on and picked the lock after calling my mother up to come over and they caught me in the process of registering with a needle in my foot. Now they took it better than I thought they would but have threatened to notify my job and cut me out of their lifes if I do not go to in-patient treatment. Now I am very tempted to to give myself a hot shot or finally use the fentanyl,morphine and ativan I carry on me at work to do the job or just run my exhaust into my car during a nice shot to do the job the things making me hesitant from going through with it is 1) fucking my family and girlfriend up for life due to my suicide 2) Fear of the unknown after life ends.

I appologize if this is hard to read or a big block of words I'm just having a hard time putting my thoughts into words I have more to say I just cannot get it out right now I'm also doing this on an ipod touch.
I dont know what I expect to get out of this I just had to vent.

Alsommy dept will send me to their rehab and allow me to keep my job and go with discretion they will just drug test me very often for 2 years after my return from their 28 day rehab.

 

[OverDone]

Hey OxyMedic, hitting that wall is never pretty. Eventually it gets real messy. I love the fact that you have some very supportive loved ones that are (from what it sounds like) non-judgmental.

I'm going to tell you what someone told me because I believe it is 100% accurate in your case as well. You don't want to kill yourself, you just want the pain to go away. That pain can and will go away but you need to take action in order to make it happen. Also realize that it won't happen all at once.

You are very fortunate to be able to get into treatment. Please take advantage of it. You sound very much like me. I just could not stop on my own. We want to but we just can't. One of the advantages of a treatment facility is that it provides a safe environment away from the garbage and the routine of that lifestyle that we have become so dependent on. As we slowly break that pattern through changing things up, life starts to work itself back into something worth living again.

Patience is critical once the process is started but before you realize, you'll be looking back and saying 'I can't believe I did all that in x amount of time'

Keep reaching out here and in real life. There are MANY who can relate and who can offer solid advice based on their own experiences.

 

[Knox Harrington]

Hey man, it sounds like from your post that you kinda do want to give treatment a try but you are unsure whether there is an easier way out. There isn't but the good news is that rehab really works if you give it a fair chance and want to be clean. The even better news is that things go from rock bottom to pretty damn manageable in a short period of time. Sometimes even in days if you get some extra help from Suboxone which worked wonders for me as an 11 year opiate addict. People talk shit about suboxone all the time and it has its faults but for getting through the first few months it is a huge help for a lot of us and I recommend that you ask a doctor about it. Forget suicide though, that really is the drugs talking and if its not, well, don't you want to know before you make a permanent decision like that? Best of luck man, truly.

 

[Baldwin]

Please refrain from killing yourself over this. Look at this way: even if your girlfriend and mother are threatening to cut you off now, if you're dead you will be completely out of their lives, and I really don't think they want this. Offering (forcefully with threats) help shows they really care about you. Suicide sucks for everybody.

If you do this right, you'll look back in half a year and shake your head in disbelief what bullshit you were contemplating.

Though inpatient sounds imo like the best treatment for an addiction that started so early and lasted so long, there must be alternatives you could try to discuss with your family, intensive outpatient with very regular meetings and checks, support groups for learning to fill the void left by the drug, maybe even substitution with bupe as mentioned by an above poster.

But if your job offers you free rehab AND lets you come back... 1 month there could really help, who knows, and pissing in a cup for 2 years is past sooner than you think.

My impression is that you know little of your real self, only the druggy you, and rehab measures in any form can teach you things non-addicted people take for granted, e.g. dealing with boring or stressful situations without resorting to drugs (It was similar with me, I didn't want to believe it, but it really works).

Sorry for the ramble, I hope it partly makes sense.

 

[Missykins]

Dude, take it from me, stealing drugs like fentanyl and morphine from your workplace is a fast way to lose everything.

If you work in the medical field, you're surrounded by many people who have been where you are now. In my
opinion, you need to go to rehab. It's very difficult to learn how to be around those drugs all day and not use
w/o a solid foundation.

I would suggest going to your Employee Assistance Program BEFORE you're fired and arrested and publicly
humiliated ("Emergency Paramedic Caught Stealing Drugs" in the headlines) and get to rehab. Your job is to
protect the lives of others--people trust you to do that--and you can't when you're a junkie. It doesn't matter
if you don't get high at work (I used that excuse for years); you're still only thinking about the drugs you can steal.
Sooner or later, Oxycontin won't cut it, and you'll want the big guns.

In my opinion, outpatient is useless for medical professionals.

 

[OxyMedic]

Ya so I went to the crisis service yesterday and will be leaving to go to detox and inpatient today around 5pm. I went to rehab at 17 and was sober for about 3 months I've also been in bupe on and off for about 4 years now the drug works wonders but I feel doctors are misinformed dosage wise, I think less is more with that drug I only learned that a year ago on these boards before that I was on 16mg and thought I would die if i missed a day. Anyhow thank you bluelighters your post gave me enough motivation to make the call, so I will post again in 28-29 days Nd let you know how it went it's can't be worse then what im doing now and it free

Peace

 

[piebald]

GET HELP...tell the truth and get help..i did and it sucked, but you know what your going through sucks way worse...you CAN learn to live without opiates...its NOT easy and it takes time but i can be done, i had to move into my parents attic, leave the state, quit my job..i feel like a totall ass..but you can do it! please try..ive been there..it sucks

 

[Knox Harrington]

Good for you man. You sound like you are really ready for it this time. I look forward to reading about your experience when you get back.

 

[TINK]

looking forward to hearing from you after treatment. I was addicted to opiates for over 11 years and been clean almost 6 years. I know you can do it.

 

[traybuck]

Good luck brother..