• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Lost and on the way out!

Hey, I really feel for ya OP because I suffer with the same stuff (depression, anxiety, social anxiety.) The shit reall sucks, eh? Well I have noticed that as much as I think about wanting to die, and as much as I would like it all to end, I couldn't actually kill myself, so I try to just keep those types of thoughts to a minimum although sometimes you just can't help it. But seriously, I am just too big of a wuss to kill myself so I just try to pretend I'm happy and whatnot.
 
BTW, I think Legerity is right about not taking LSD/MDMA when suffering from anxiety-related disorders especially. They can really fuck you over. Every time I trip, it just seems to make the anxiety 100x worse, and makes the suicidal thoughts like real intense and overwhelming.
 
Also, I just went to the doc to get Klonopin and Wellbutrin, and he told me that even HE wishes he were just dead sometimes because he is so busy and stressed. So yeah, EVERYONE wishes they were dead at some point in their lives.
 
Please be respectful of those who visit TDS for the purpose of going sober or slowing their use by not posting things that could potentially trigger others. Thanks- O
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Removed post b/c it was relating to another post which was edited out. -O
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Yea I drowned myself in benzos and alcohol
Tonight had a fight with the gf n Like I said it always just somehow turns bad now
Im sitting here with blood
All over my arm and tears down my face but it's
Good to know I'm not the only one on this bumpy road. I'm so confused and messed up ATM I wish I had the balls to tie this noose!
 
Havokk said:
Well I have friends/ family a g/f. A easy going job and a studio with a couple Dj decks in it for
Mixing/ producing music which I love but can't find the passion/motivation I use to have to produce/mix any music ATM. I know I don't have it as bad as other people I've seen post but it's not about that, it's just my heads so messed up and I have this constant lost feeling. I don't know we're to go, what to do in life ATM or were it's all taking me. I don't even know if I'm making sence ATM it's hard to explain the feeling I guess.

Yes when I'm around my friends/ gf it is a mood lifter but at the same time my heads still going a million miles an hour with stupid/ bad thoughts and I still have the empty feeling inside of me. And I feel I'm not myself any more around them and hate bringing them down with my problems.

I just want to be normal again I guess :/
Click to expand...

You seem to have a lot going for you. I suggest you talk to a psychiatrist. Suicide is not for people such as yourself who have a lot going for them... It is a permanent solution for those(like myself) with terminal illness.
 
Havokk- I highly recommend calling a friend, family member or medical professional.
Hurting yourself is not the way to go.
There is much to live for, sometimes you just need to walk through shit to get to the good stuff ;) <3
Please keep us updated and seriously, reach out for professional help.
 
MeddieFrac said:
Please be respectful of those who visit TDS for the purpose of going sober or slowing their use by not posting things that could potentially trigger others. Thanks- O
Click to expand...

Sorry, I didn't mean to write anything that could trigger, was only trying to convey what personally helps me. I will be careful not to do this again in the future.

.Lucid. said:
Removed post b/c it was relating to another post which was edited out. -O
Click to expand...

Lucid, you probably took offense to what I said, and I apologize. Won't happen again.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
..."the mod" is trying to keep this thread with in the forums guidelines, on topic, and offer advice.

you have made your suggestions, and received a response from the OP. now let others do so, this thread is not intended for arguing, and petty name calling...

no need to respond here-
carry on, please.
 
Well I woke up in the emergency room last night hooked up 2 drippers n had stitches in my
Left arm from a deep cut think I overdosed on benzos and alcohol as well. Pretty scary shit. Dunno what to think of it all.
 
Havokk please do ask for help. Everybody has a gift to offer the world and I think if you do some searching you can work through this and live a fulfilling life - that is everybody's right. Hurting yourself like this won't fix things - and you deserve to be kind to yourself. Please do post here or send a PM if you are not feeling well.
 
A friend of mine once told me how life was like a room of furniture. He said if you don't like your room, you got two choices. First, you could re-arrange all the furniture and that would be one kind of change. Or, second, if you really need a change, toss all the old shit out and get some new stuff.

If life sucks but a person is just rearranging the furniture--we all do it, stop the booze and start the weed, or give up one kind of pills for something else, maybe its time to toss it all out (the drugs or booze or whatever addiction is current) and try something totally new.

Ive got friends that gave the whole scene up and found religion or a new vocation or dedicated their free time to some great cause. My friend got rid of all his furniture (the drugs--he loved coke) and decided to spend his free time working at a homeless shelter. It was a hard turn around but now, five years later, he's teaching others what to do to help homeless families and giving hope to others.
 
Here is the bottom line:

After any sustained period of drug usage you're body/brain will be feeling some kind of chemical imbalance. This can force a person into depression and other feelings of hopelessness. If you had the magical powers to instantly cleans your body of all prior drug use and current toxins in your body theres a 90% the depression/anxiety/etc would not be there anymore.....

Just realize that there is hope and any depression or hopelessness you may be feeling is only temporary if you can detox yourself and get back to a state of normality.
 
Havokk said:
Well I have friends/ family a g/f. A easy going job and a studio with a couple Dj decks in it for
Mixing/ producing music which I love but can't find the passion/motivation I use to have to produce/mix any music ATM. I know I don't have it as bad as other people I've seen post but it's not about that, it's just my heads so messed up and I have this constant lost feeling. I don't know we're to go, what to do in life ATM or were it's all taking me. I don't even know if I'm making sence ATM it's hard to explain the feeling I guess.

Yes when I'm around my friends/ gf it is a mood lifter but at the same time my heads still going a million miles an hour with stupid/ bad thoughts and I still have the empty feeling inside of me. And I feel I'm not myself any more around them and hate bringing them down with my problems.

I just want to be normal again I guess :/
Click to expand...
Havokk-really sorry that you feel so trapped! Ive been there myself and occasionally, if not frequently have suicidal thoughts. They are only thoughts now but not many ages ago I was desperate for a way out-and i remember well!
Personally, I think what helped me through is realising that I was trapped in my own mood/thoughts/state of mind and realised that it was bullshit because life is so short and what seems to never change always does-NOTHING in life stays static! Its our perspective that remains stuck! This is a fact!
I hope you dont judge this as philisophical drivel but psychologically if you can take the time to read and grasp at how you can learn about life/psychology/philosophy/spirituality this is the time to open your mind. Through reading,talking to pple u trust, drawing, writing, observing, or whatever method brings some enlightenment to you. I myself ,even in my misery learned some of the most genuinely honest lessons when I was at my lowest ebbs. If I had not got through it id be another statistic. Instead Im stronger in spirit than I ever was.....im still v shy,still v angry, still v sensitive,still a bit Off- kielter and still gt depressed but im FUCKING STRONG!!!! ;) Nothing trumps victory.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself! x
 
@ Havokk: Benzos make me suicidally depressed everytime, I'm not sure if that has been mentioned here yet. After taking highish doses of them for more than a day or two I start crying and talking about suicide, I even made a couple of genuine attempts while on benzos. I remember the feeling of looking at a bottle then waking up in four point restraints looking at a cathater coming outta my dick (that is not where my name comes from btw). Did you have the cathater? Stop the fucking Benzo/Alcohol binges!!! Not trying to be a dick but that is what is leading to these incidents. Yes, I am sure you have a lot of real pain and anxiety you are trying to medicate but trust one who knows and has the fucked up burned out life to prove it, the Benzo/Alchie mix will have you depressed as hell, especially the benzos in high doses over a couple days. People used to tell me this and I didn't believe them, but now it has been awhile since I have taken any benz and it is true. Since I quit them even my social anxiety eventually became less, as benzos make it worse over time. It is hard to see when you are in the midst of it, I know. Benzos and alcohol at first make you so chill, so numb, but then you sit there drooling and thinking and becoming more and more depressed and bad shit starts to happen.
 
I agree with Pauly, benzos mixed with alcohol is bad news. I used to be severely suicidal during my high school years, and a few years after. I've had so many attempts and near successes that I still think of it as an escape route at times, but the last time I put my head in a makeshift noose, I was under the influence of both benzos and alcohol.

Either one by itself is okay, sometimes I'm okay with both as well, but I think the combination magnifies negative thoughts and situations leading you to feel that life is unbearable. I'm surprised they didn't toss you into the psych ward when you were in the hospital. I think that would do you some good, actually. I've been committed 4 times, and I've always left better off. Consider checking yourself in, at least for the quick 72 hour watch (then you can sign yourself out if you choose). If it's a decent facility, you'll get your own psych who can prescribe you something that will work, and at the same time it'll prevent you from hurting yourself or overdosing on anything. Give it thought.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top