Lost and on the way out!

Havokk

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 16, 2010
Messages
86
I am currently messed up on alcohol and a bunch of benzos and would love to take the rest of them and end it. The short story Is I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD I'm just over it all.

I just don't see the point in continuing life there is nothing going for me and bad shit just keeps happening to make it worse. I feel lost and I feel that I don't even know who I am anymore. My doctor just switched me from zoloft to efexor, temazapam and alepam to try help with it all but nothing I still feel like a worthless price of shit that doesn't want to be here.

I really don't know what time expexting from this post but maybe just some sort of support to keep me from these pills and knife that lay next to me...

I just feel life isn't worth living swarmed with non stop bad thoughts, guilt and pain...
 
Hey, give yourself time to calm down a bit. Whatever you're feeling is TEMPORARY and you will work through it, no matter how overwhelming it seems. Please call a crisis line, there is a post at the top of the page with lots of helpful links.

After ending it there's no turning back. Most things we do can be corrected if we feel that we made a mistake, but not with this. Even if you feel worthless there are people that care about you and want you to be happy.

How are you feeling now?
 
^ true..

Some situations are quite bad, we've all experienced something horrible in our lives and a seemingly appropriate response is to not be here anymore.

Thing is, I know for me and many others is that although we dont want to be there for a while, you dont have the choice to come back. Death is kinda permanent and it doesnt really affect the person who takes their life, more so family and friends.

Life isnt fair, but it's not what happens to you that makes you who you are and gives you character, it's how you deal with what happens to you.

People are impatient. Bad situations don't always clear up overnight.. so really, keep going. There's things that are worth it down the track.

And benzos + alcohol arent a good idea... I felt exactly the same way not too long ago and it ended up being a crazy night with lots of blood everywhere..
The reason you shouldnt mix the two isnt because of the fact that it feels a little stronger, it's because alcohol changes the nature of the receptor that the benzodiazepines attach to, making the drug act more like a barbituate where the line between getting high and getting dead becomes quite thin.

People care.. even people who've never met you.

Hang in there.
 
Thanks for the support guys it's nice to know that people do care even if there on the other side of the world lucky enough for me I passed out after quiet a few pills but it has left me a bit scared and over welmed at the fact I could not have been here this morning. I don't know what it is I just feel so helpless and lonely and find it hard to get up out of bed everyday and keep fighting these demons that follow me. Like my post said I'm just lost :/ and god knows when the day will come that I don't wake up.
 
pretty hard shit that suicidal ideation . takes over your every waking moment . you could do it or you could step back from the abyss and try and focus on the times in your life when you were not drug fucked and things were just okay or better .
Often times the worst that i felt was when rx meds were interacting and just doing a tune on my emotions.
Suicide is alright if you don't leave misery behind in the wake of it. If there are family, close friends, etc, left to morn you, then you are a selfish cunt for having put the despair on them.
 
Suicide is alright if you don't leave misery behind in the wake of it. If there are family, close friends, etc, left to morn you, then you are a selfish cunt for having put the despair on them.

I disagree. You are attaching external environmental factors to something that is purely personal and internal.
So if a person has suffered 95% of their life with the most terrible form of depression possible, and want to commit sucide they become "selfish cunt" just for having a family?

You do realize that is completely irrational right?

So they should stay alive and suffer for the rest of their life just because they still have a mom and dad who loves them?
I do agree suicide is ok but ONLY for very specific circumstance. You shouldn't commit suicide just because you're going through a depressing time. But if you wake up 365 days a year wanting to die every single day than thats a different story.

For the OP, you have to detach your mind from the thoughts that are consuming you. Its hard to really sit down w/out a single thought in your mind and want to still die.
So you need to understand the role that thoughts alone have in leading people to suicide. You really have 2 options, control your thoughts, or take your life.
Option 1 should be the most obvious to try first. And you don't try by just sitting down one day and trying to clear your head. Get books on NLP, read books like "Blink" or "Emotional Intelligence" and become versed on the true role that though alone has on emotions.

So many depressed people get biologically/psychologically triggered into depression, which in turn effect their thoughts, and as long as their depressed they don't understand its their thoughts that are keeping the cycle going. Biology plays a role, but psychology can change biology in most circumstances, with the exception of schizophrenia, bipolar and other more genetic disorders. But depression is not as genetic as people think.

Your thought process is:

I suffer from anxiety, OCD, and depression and want to die.

You should reframe that to:
If I can get over my anxiety/OCD/depression I will become a MUCH stronger person, which will leave me better off than the avg person when I get older.

Which is 100% true. I dealt with horrific side effects from speed for *8* fucking years. I wanted to die at least everyday of my life for the first 3 years. But for whatever reason I became TOLERANT to the thoughts, and realized they were ONLY THOUGHTS.
I may have a thought, buts its really my actions that change my life.

With no hope at all in site, and having panic attacks nearly everyday even 7 years later, some very powerful force arose inside me and it didn't say "I wanna die because I have every logical reason in the world to do so", it said "I am sick and fucking tired of being a mere spectator in my own life, I will shake, sweat, and shit my pants everyday till I overcome these fears".

So many problems in life are directly related to our personal fears. Maybe you fear you will never be happy.. and that alone makes you depressed.
Maybe you fear you will never be calm around people and talkative, and that makes you antisocial and anxious.

If you didn't have those fears, how nervous would you get in public?

A fear is not overcome by suicide, it is overcome with the use of meds THAT WORK, and systematic desensitization.

Example:

My sophomore year in college I wound up walking out of 3 speeches having full flow panic attacks. 1 week before finals I swallowed 1200mg of phenobarbital (fatal dose is 1000mg for newbies) and 16mg of xanax.

I wound up in a psychward where I got PROPER treatment. Millions of questions were asked about my life everyday, almost 3 times a day. I've never been asked so many questions in my life.

It is NOTHING like rehab or going to see a shrink. Its a full out intensive quarantine on every aspect of your being. We figured out that 90% of my anxiety/panic attacks were being cause by my adrenal glands. And simple beta blockers basically saved my life. I also got on lexapro because the anxiety had made me depressed, but getting off the lex down the road I was fine as long as I had the inderal.
I started giving speeches at school and it was the most surreal experience of my life. The SAME stimuli that drove me to attempt suicide was the SAME EXACT stimuli that made me WANT TO LIVE more than anything in this world.

There IS another side to our fears, its called courage (read "Feel the fear and do it anyway", great book). There IS hope but to many people become apathetic and on meds. Meds are good, but I still believe the psychological aspect is the most important.

You CAN CHANGE your biology by the way you think, its been proven already. Have you ever tried beta blockers for you social anxiety? I will almost guarantee it goes away on inderal.
Its IMPOSSIBLE biologically to FEEL nervous around people on inderal. You can have a nervous thought, but when you realize your body doesn't feel anxious, the thoughts stop. So it can go both ways.

But you gotta fight the good fight man. When life throws you a curve ball you throw a curve ball back at life and tell it to eat shit. Awaken that surival instinct within that everyone has and USE it. Everyday wake up and fight, the effort alone will cause MASS changes in your thought process. I promise you. You just need to start doing different things, and I really think you can change your life.
Because I can tell you after 8 years of hell, for once I finally feel 100% stable. And I use to suffer from some of the most debilating disorders someone can have.
You know for 2 months straight at one point I didn't say ONE WORD? Thats how depressed I was. Now I look back about it and laugh, I fought for what I have, and it was MORE than worth it. You can do the same, you just can't let it get to you bro.
 
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@bojangles69

Good advice but easier said than done right? I totally get where your coming from with changing my thought process but it's also takes motivation that I don't have and when I wake up and sometimes have the motivation to change my life for the better it's not to long before the bad thoughts/ anxiety come roaring in and change my motivation and happiness into loneliness, guilt and depression.

No I havnt tried beta blockers I've only just started
seeing my doctor for my depression/ anxiety so were trying to find something that works and right now it's a loosing battle because everyday that something doesn't work is another day I just want to end it, I have a fear of suggestion anything because I don't want him to just think I'm there to score some meds for the high. And I don't want to self medicate on klonopin or anything cause if my guy runs out I'm just left with withdrawals and the fact I'll probably become addicted again.

I guess the best way to put it is I'm in a deep black hole and cannot find my way out I just don't know what to do anymore hey. Bad shit keeps happening when things look up and I find my self deeper in that hole I was on the way out of.
 
If someone could put some input in, on how they found there way out the black hole that Many of us have been in would be greatly appreciated ATM.
 
Havokk, what positive things do you have in your life? Which friends and activities can you surround yourself that boost your mood and make you feel good? If you don't have anything at the moment that doesn't mean that these things don't exist, just let yourself be open to new people and places.

Most people are not completely happy 100% but it's definitely possible to make life seem meaningful
 
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Well I have friends/ family a g/f. A easy going job and a studio with a couple Dj decks in it for
Mixing/ producing music which I love but can't find the passion/motivation I use to have to produce/mix any music ATM. I know I don't have it as bad as other people I've seen post but it's not about that, it's just my heads so messed up and I have this constant lost feeling. I don't know we're to go, what to do in life ATM or were it's all taking me. I don't even know if I'm making sence ATM it's hard to explain the feeling I guess.

Yes when I'm around my friends/ gf it is a mood lifter but at the same time my heads still going a million miles an hour with stupid/ bad thoughts and I still have the empty feeling inside of me. And I feel I'm not myself any more around them and hate bringing them down with my problems.

I just want to be normal again I guess :/
 
If someone could put some input in, on how they found there way out the black hole that Many of us have been in would be greatly appreciated ATM.

Please do not make suggestions that could potentially trigger others in TDS.
Unfortunately the OP saw this already but I'm removing it to spare other readers who may be looking here for advice.
Please, Reread TDS Guidelines before posting, Thank you. Ocean
 
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Lol I'm pretty sure xtc/acid and weed is part of what put me in this horrid place.

Plus there's a massive MDMA drought were I am. :(
 
@bojangles69

Good advice but easier said than done right?

I disagree with this for one simple reason.

What you're really saying with that response:

Its easier to think about every aspect of my life that sucks.
Its easier to find reasons why I'll never have a happy future.
Its easier to deal with deep dark depressed thoughts everyday rather than minor to moderate happy ones

Its "easier" to wake up tommorow and just continue wreaking misery in my life by my thought process.

Can you tell me HOW or why thats easier?
 
@bojangles69 because ATM there's so much bad that it's out wieghing the good that it's had to keep a positive/happy thought pattern throughout the day without a bad one entering. But I can see how I'm looking at it all wrong it's just there's to many curve balls been throwing for my bat to handle at the moment if that makes sence. Just over it.
 
@.lucid. Good to hear you found something that worked man. I guess it could be a last resort thing if it comes to it. Just so hard to get any decent pills in aus.

@scottyboy421 very true man and that's the only thing holding me back right now. Loved ones. But sometimes I get so low that it doesn't even matter who I hurt I just want it all to end.
 
im not muc different man at all , exept i dont smoke buds anymore or have ocd

the xanax takes care of my depression (most the time) unless im raging
and tackles the anxiety ,

im now able to do things i havent felt iv been able to do in yrs thanks to xanax , seizures aside lol
 
@Lucid: I understand you are saying that the combination of LSD/MDMA can be beneficial, but I think that is a very dangerous recommendation to make here. If somebody is having suicidal thoughts and other mental health issues then an unsupervised trip can be disastrous.
 
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