Lost all hope and in need of rehab

[Jabberwocky]

Yo. It is me. The fart. Male, 40 years, a self-trained professional loser and an imbecile.

I got drunk for the first time at age 15 and instantly became an alcoholic. It was like i gained something i had always been missing. Or maybe temporarily got rid of some excess baggage? When i was drunk. I wanted to be drunk always. Now after a quarter of a century of alcoholism, i have noticed that it is kinda hard and consuming "life" to live. Obviously, there has been illegal drugs along my path also. A lot of them. That is why i am a blueiighter. But no other drug has been so addictive, and so harmful to myself and my loved ones and my surroundings, than alcohol. They have not even cost me as much money as our perfectly legal alcohol. Not even close.

Basically, i can't remember anything from this week. Got benzos on Monday. Got beer too. Now it is Saturday and i have insulted EVERYONE and i have strange unexplained wounds on my body. I need to reclaim my life. Or begin it, not sure if i ever had a life to begin with. Yes, i breathe. Yes, my heart pumps blood. Yes, my feet move me around. But i don't feel alive. I feel hollow. I feel useless. I feel hated.

I need to see a doctor. I wanna go to rehab. For a month. Then i wanna leave this city behind. I wanna leave my current name behind.

I apologize due to my wicked ways. My bad behavior. I am deeply sorry.

I am completely alone in this ocean of feces. And it is my fault. Currently i try not to care. I have ghosted myself. But i know i will die soon if i don't seek help, and this post is a part of that process. Not one single hour goes by without seriously contemplating suicide. I sleep like 2 or 3 hours per night. I apologize.

 

[polarthedog]

Yo. It is me. The fart. Male, 40 years, a self-trained professional loser and an imbecile.

I got drunk for the first time at age 15 and instantly became an alcoholic. It was like i gained something i had always been missing. Or maybe temporarily got rid of some excess baggage? When i was drunk. I wanted to be drunk always. Now after a quarter of a century of alcoholism, i have noticed that it is kinda hard and consuming "life" to live. Obviously, there has been illegal drugs along my path also. A lot of them. That is why i am a blueiighter. But no other drug has been so addictive, and so harmful to myself and my loved ones and my surroundings, than alcohol. They have not even cost me as much money as our perfectly legal alcohol. Not even close.

Basically, i can't remember anything from this week. Got benzos on Monday. Got beer too. Now it is Saturday and i have insulted EVERYONE and i have strange unexplained wounds on my body. I need to reclaim my life. Or begin it, not sure if i ever had a life to begin with. Yes, i breathe. Yes, my heart pumps blood. Yes, my feet move me around. But i don't feel alive. I feel hollow. I feel useless. I feel hated.

I need to see a doctor. I wanna go to rehab. For a month. Then i wanna leave this city behind. I wanna leave my current name behind.

I apologize due to my wicked ways. My bad behavior. I am deeply sorry.

I am completely alone in this ocean of feces. And it is my fault. Currently i try not to care. I have ghosted myself. But i know i will die soon if i don't seek help, and this post is a part of that process. Not one single hour goes by without seriously contemplating suicide. I sleep like 2 or 3 hours per night. I apologize.

No need to apologize, I’m sorry that your going through all of that

Where do you live? Do they have free detox/rehabs in your area?

How much alcohol are you consuming per day on average?

Btw dude, if you actually did kill yourself, that would fuck me up, so I for one do not hate you. I consider you a friend.

This can get better, don’t give up

 

[Jabberwocky]

No need to apologize, I’m sorry that your going through all of that

Where do you live? Do they have free detox/rehabs in your area?

How much alcohol are you consuming per day on average?

Btw dude, if you actually did kill yourself, that would fuck me up, so I for one do not hate you. I consider you a friend.

This can get better, don’t give up

Finland. I can get free detox / rehab.

Look man, the alcohol consumption thing is weird. Here is the deal: I have never been good at managing money. Or then i am way too good, ultra efficient to make all the money burn. I am on a permanent disability pension due to mental health reasons (Undefined psychotic disorder, depression, anxiety, insomnia, dissociation, polysubstance abuse) So... i have a deal with social security office. Money i get from government goes directly to them. Social security people. They pay my rent from that money, and i get the remaining money, divided... Every Monday, every Friday. Because otherwise i would be homeless. So... Alcohol sales are allowed between 9 AM and 9 PM and i am a beer idiot. I might drink 2 deciliters of Jägermeister or some other hard stuff every now and then, but 98% of my alcohol consumption is very low quality cheap beer. I used to buy 24 packs. But these days my muscle strength is gone, and i buy 18 packs just to be able to carry my poison here, to my home. So there are sober days. I am sober right now. I don't count coffee and cigarettes, i need them daily. This low income is my magic trick. Poverty is what keeps me alive, man. If i was a rich fart, i would have drank myself to the grave a couple of decades ago.

I truly consider you a friend also. Thank you for your reply, i appreciate it and it means a lot to me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Love you ghosty! No need to apologize man.

Are there any obstacles stopping you from going to rehab?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Love you ghosty! No need to apologize man.

Are there any obstacles stopping you from going to rehab?

Yes. There are obstacles. Profound stupidity, complete lack of all hope and fantasies about suicide.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yes. There are obstacles. Profound stupidity, complete lack of all hope and fantasies about suicide.

No, these are just self sabotaging thoughts! And they are WRONG, too. You are not stupid. I know stupid people, you aren't one of them. You are kind, thoughtful and intelligent.

For me rehab makes me feel safe. I would beg to go right now. It GIVES me hope. It gets me straight.

 

[Robi]

Finland. I can get free detox / rehab.

Look man, the alcohol consumption thing is weird. Here is the deal: I have never been good at managing money. Or then i am way too good, ultra efficient to make all the money burn. I am on a permanent disability pension due to mental health reasons (Undefined psychotic disorder, depression, anxiety, insomnia, dissociation, polysubstance abuse) So... i have a deal with social security office. Money i get from government goes directly to them. Social security people. They pay my rent from that money, and i get the remaining money, divided... Every Monday, every Friday. Because otherwise i would be homeless. So... Alcohol sales are allowed between 9 AM and 9 PM and i am a beer idiot. I might drink 2 deciliters of Jägermeister or some other hard stuff every now and then, but 98% of my alcohol consumption is very low quality cheap beer. I used to buy 24 packs. But these days my muscle strength is gone, and i buy 18 packs just to be able to carry my poison here, to my home. So there are sober days. I am sober right now. I don't count coffee and cigarettes, i need them daily. This low income is my magic trick. Poverty is what keeps me alive, man. If i was a rich fart, i would have drank myself to the grave a couple of decades ago.

I truly consider you a friend also. Thank you for your reply, i appreciate it and it means a lot to me.

wow, never heard it that way, i think of near 10k i spent on fent, made me broke, thank god, that and this nagging voice telling me to stop while the getting was good, im so tore up over nitzy and you, total eye opener, pray you find well deserved help soon, i talk about booze here, stupid jokes, im ashamed now, have some saki and pinot, but cant hardly stomach more than a glass, my body rejects it and im grateful i can barely drink........whew i do care about you folks

 

[Jabberwocky]

wow, never heard it that way, i think of near 10k i spent on fent, made me broke, thank god, that and this nagging voice telling me to stop while the getting was good, im so tore up over nitzy and you, total eye opener, pray you find well deserved help soon, i talk about booze here, stupid jokes, im ashamed now, have some saki and pinot, but cant hardly stomach more than a glass, my body rejects it and im grateful i can barely drink........whew i do care about you folks

Don't worry, i think that you are truly awesome. I talk about booze here too, i make stupid jokes about it. I will do it in the future. But not now.

Don't be ashamed of anything. Leave that to me. I am ashamed always, unless i am turbo wasted.

Thank you for the prayer. I have had a FIRM belief in God for about 20 years now. I don't think that anything will change that, ever. I am not religious at all. Just spiritual. I apologize but i can't say a prayer for you. I have prayed almost daily for 2 decades. And things have only been getting worse. I think i am opening some wrong kind of portal. A demonic portal. It is not my intention, my intention is pure. Therefore i am scared that if i pray on behalf of other people, then they will have a hard time coming their way too. And i like you, i really don't wanna send obstacles your way, at all.

 

[Robi]

my prayers are like wishes and i try to focus on some people, like doc spock mind melding, im strange but i do pray for you, sending good thoughts and and focused will, strong good intentions,Having faith in the high powers. let nature do its thang but yeah hope, the only thing i havent lost

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

Yo. It is me. The fart. Male, 40 years, a self-trained professional loser and an imbecile.

I got drunk for the first time at age 15 and instantly became an alcoholic. It was like i gained something i had always been missing. Or maybe temporarily got rid of some excess baggage? When i was drunk. I wanted to be drunk always. Now after a quarter of a century of alcoholism, i have noticed that it is kinda hard and consuming "life" to live. Obviously, there has been illegal drugs along my path also. A lot of them. That is why i am a blueiighter. But no other drug has been so addictive, and so harmful to myself and my loved ones and my surroundings, than alcohol. They have not even cost me as much money as our perfectly legal alcohol. Not even close.

Basically, i can't remember anything from this week. Got benzos on Monday. Got beer too. Now it is Saturday and i have insulted EVERYONE and i have strange unexplained wounds on my body. I need to reclaim my life. Or begin it, not sure if i ever had a life to begin with. Yes, i breathe. Yes, my heart pumps blood. Yes, my feet move me around. But i don't feel alive. I feel hollow. I feel useless. I feel hated.

I need to see a doctor. I wanna go to rehab. For a month. Then i wanna leave this city behind. I wanna leave my current name behind.

I apologize due to my wicked ways. My bad behavior. I am deeply sorry.

I am completely alone in this ocean of feces. And it is my fault. Currently i try not to care. I have ghosted myself. But i know i will die soon if i don't seek help, and this post is a part of that process. Not one single hour goes by without seriously contemplating suicide. I sleep like 2 or 3 hours per night. I apologize.

Hi Ghosty/DSF,

When our physiology and bodies don’t feel great and when we lack sleep it makes people feel a lot worse then they usually do. In recent years I also saw nothing but dead-ends and hopelessness about life and wanted to commit suicide as well. I did until my best friend committed suicide and I saw the effects that it had on his children, his Mother, his siblings, and other family and friends.

His Mother just hasn’t stopped crying buckets of tears every day even after going on eight months time since the suicide. The 80 year old lady’s health is deteriorating so much because she has been so depressed and not eating properly and not looking after herself well.

How about trying detox and rehab when you’re ready to take the first step in the opposite direction of life that you’ve been on? Don’t be so hard/harsh on yourself and give yourself a chance when you’re ready. You have the support of the members of Bluelight. We loving hearing about someone who’s overcome hugely difficult times and come out stronger than before; strong enough to perhaps pay it forward one day and to experience the feeling of having helped someone who is where you’ve been by speaking from the heart.

I hope I don’t come off like I’m lecturing you or telling people how to live their lives. I’m just hoping that you may unlock some of that beautiful hidden potential that is inside of you. The ghost’s hug, I can’t really feel it, but I know it’s there. I remember when you said something along those lines; I remember it because it was so warm and original.

With peace and love.

 

[Robi]

Hi Ghosty/DSF,

When our physiology and bodies don’t feel great and when we lack sleep it makes people feel a lot worse then they usually do. In recent years I also saw nothing but dead-ends and hopelessness about life and wanted to commit suicide as well. I did until my best friend committed suicide and I saw the effects that it had on his children, his Mother, his siblings, and other family and friends.

His Mother just hasn’t stopped crying buckets of tears every day even after going on eight months time since the suicide. The 80 year old lady’s health is deteriorating so much because she has been so depressed and not eating properly and not looking after herself well.

How about trying detox and rehab when you’re ready to take the first step in the opposite direction of life that you’ve been on? Don’t be so hard/harsh on yourself and give yourself a chance when you’re ready. You have the support of the members of Bluelight. We loving hearing about someone who’s overcome hugely difficult times and come out stronger than before; strong enough to perhaps pay it forward one day and to experience the feeling of having helped someone who is where you’ve been by speaking from the heart.

I hope I don’t come off like I’m lecturing you or telling people how to live their lives. I’m just hoping that you may unlock some of that beautiful hidden potential that is inside of you. The ghost’s hug, I can’t really feel it, but I know it’s there. I remember when you said something along those lines; I remember it because it was so warm and original.

With peace and love.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi Ghosty/DSF,

When our physiology and bodies don’t feel great and when we lack sleep it makes people feel a lot worse then they usually do. In recent years I also saw nothing but dead-ends and hopelessness about life and wanted to commit suicide as well. I did until my best friend committed suicide and I saw the effects that it had on his children, his Mother, his siblings, and other family and friends.

His Mother just hasn’t stopped crying buckets of tears every day even after going on eight months time since the suicide. The 80 year old lady’s health is deteriorating so much because she has been so depressed and not eating properly and not looking after herself well.

How about trying detox and rehab when you’re ready to take the first step in the opposite direction of life that you’ve been on? Don’t be so hard/harsh on yourself and give yourself a chance when you’re ready. You have the support of the members of Bluelight. We loving hearing about someone who’s overcome hugely difficult times and come out stronger than before; strong enough to perhaps pay it forward one day and to experience the feeling of having helped someone who is where you’ve been by speaking from the heart.

I hope I don’t come off like I’m lecturing you or telling people how to live their lives. I’m just hoping that you may unlock some of that beautiful hidden potential that is inside of you. The ghost’s hug, I can’t really feel it, but I know it’s there. I remember when you said something along those lines; I remember it because it was so warm and original.

With peace and love.

Hi Opi.

Nah, not lecturing at all. I sense good will. Strongly, in your post.

Look, i don't have those chains. The burden. Of people left behind, alive, in this hell. I have no children. Dad left when i was a tiny boy. Just e-mailed mom and asked for a little bit of food, she replied that i can't be helped because i am an alcoholic. Sister lives a completely different "normal" life in another city and we never speak. So-called friends just abused me and my benevolence. Really, they wanted my pills or my weed or my beer or my money. Not my company. Not me.

Your intention is good. But if i would kill myself now, it would take weeks before anyone finds me. When the stench of my rotten corpse reaches this apartment building corridors.