Lost a "friend" - roommate - knew him all 4 years of college

[Tomer]

So, I'm not look for a pity party. A mutual friend of a recently deceased friend disclosed to me of his passing 2 days ago. There were about 8 of us who were friendly and interacted him on a daly basis. We all lived on Freshman Floor together (College), so it was a tight bond. We weren't always particularly close to him because he had very severe mood swings and kept to himself.

Anyway, I have had the proverbial thought in the back of my mind, "I could have done more, why didn't I?" running through my had. As mentioned, I wasn't buddy, buddy with him but he was a really GOOD guy and I think some of his nuances (which were so trivial at the time) bugged the shit out of me the summer I stayed with him in school for 4 months. We barely spoke to another because we got sick of each other. But, truth be told, I was just sick of seeing him, and me, being self absorbed, dismissing his obvious downward spiral (increased depression).

I always noticed he seemed depressed but depressed is such a loosely used clinical term, I don't feel entirely right throwing it around left and right. I don't know, I'm not sure if there was really anything I could have done but it wouldn't have hurt to have done my all and given him a fighting chance.

Anyway, its just a weird time for me; he's the first person I knew, my age, that has passed away. I think he was on SSRIS but I don't want to reveal too much out of respect to him and the whole situation. BTW: To my knowledge, he was not involved in any form of drug use, even weed.

Eh, help me out here; I am in complete foreign territory. Thanks for the listen.


Cheers

Tomer

RIP T

 

[T. Calderone]

Damn I am sorry. So was it a suicide or accidental? Anyway it's sad.

People shouldn't die this young. When it happens you wish there was something you could have done.

It can't be helped Tomer, just pray for him and his family

 

[captaincaveman]

Hey Tomer,

Sorry to hear about that. I lost a friend years ago to drugs, administered by his own brother.Your thinking 'could have I done more' is totally natural. I know it's cliche (don't how to do accents soz) but it's a shame when they go so young. If the guy was depressed (and your right it is a generic term with lots of strands) not much you could have done. Severe mood swings? Maybe he had bi polar but we'll never know.
One thing that irritates me about the health system (in the UK and US) is that they hand out SSRIs like sweets. It sounds like the guy needed serious counselling which you weren't equipped to provide. Don't feel guilty that you didn't get on, I doubt that led to his death (which I'm assuming was suicide but I respect your decision not to divulge).
Fact that you've taken the time to post on here shows me that you're a good guy. When someone young dies (my friend was 21 when his brother shot him up with heroin for the first time) it brings lots of things to the forefront of your mind, like your own mortality and existentialist questions about what are we doing here.
Hang in their Tomer, not your fault, couldn't have done anything and if by some miracle he's reading this somewhere, he'll know that someone cared. Having dealt with death for a long time (first experience of death is supposed to be losing a pet, mine was my dad) it's tough. You weren't close but you lived together. We all self absorbed at your age which I'm guessing is late teens early twenties, you couldn't have predicted it. Although maybe in the future you'll be more aware if you think someone is sliding into a pit (this is not a criticism)
Take care,
CC

 

[Pagey]

Tomer - I lost my best friend when I was fourteen and believe me, any feelings of guilt you may have are absolutely natural. However, they aren't justified. I spent the whole of the year after pretty much crying my eyes out thinking if only I'd been with him, it could have been avoided (he had an accident). It took me months more to accept that there's nothing I could have done to save him and thinking there was was only making the healing process much, much slower. I know it's strange, and horrible, and unfair, but no matter what your brain keeps telling you, it wasn't your fault. You might want to consider seeing a therapist and getting all the feelings out. I repressed mine entirely and still suffer from it today because of that.

 

[psychedelicate]

i lost my girlfriend to an accidental overdose, the drugs were mine, i am as guilty as if i had fixed her the hotshot myself. going straight to hell my friends. no sympathy for the devil. some days you wake up and you know, you just know, that you should have died. maybe last night. maybe years ago. you should have died and you didn’t. now you’re walking around, with no soul inside of you, an abomination of the worst kind.

 

[Tomer]

Hey Tomer,

Sorry to hear about that. I lost a friend years ago to drugs, administered by his own brother.Your thinking 'could have I done more' is totally natural. I know it's cliche (don't how to do accents soz) but it's a shame when they go so young. If the guy was depressed (and your right it is a generic term with lots of strands) not much you could have done. Severe mood swings? Maybe he had bi polar but we'll never know.
One thing that irritates me about the health system (in the UK and US) is that they hand out SSRIs like sweets. It sounds like the guy needed serious counselling which you weren't equipped to provide. Don't feel guilty that you didn't get on, I doubt that led to his death (which I'm assuming was suicide but I respect your decision not to divulge).
Fact that you've taken the time to post on here shows me that you're a good guy. When someone young dies (my friend was 21 when his brother shot him up with heroin for the first time) it brings lots of things to the forefront of your mind, like your own mortality and existentialist questions about what are we doing here.
Hang in their Tomer, not your fault, couldn't have done anything and if by some miracle he's reading this somewhere, he'll know that someone cared. Having dealt with death for a long time (first experience of death is supposed to be losing a pet, mine was my dad) it's tough. You weren't close but you lived together. We all self absorbed at your age which I'm guessing is late teens early twenties, you couldn't have predicted it. Although maybe in the future you'll be more aware if you think someone is sliding into a pit (this is not a criticism)
Take care,
CC

I appreciate the response CC. Other friends of mine knew he was depressed as well, but who in their right mind would think someone would commit suicide. I always warned people in our group of friends that it can happen to any one of us. But, they always seemed to brush it off as no big deal. He was clearly tortured and I can't imagine the pain he felt.

The other issue with this whole thing is that his so called "best friend" is now claiming 'he is in a state of shock and just lost one of his best friends.' This best friend of his has/always been an asshole and became increasingly worse as our College years went on. He was never really there for him and he, himself, is terrible at dealing with emotions.

This "best friend" of his sent us a group email saying how T had passed away, and "how he had personally lost one of the best friends he had ever had." It just infuriates me because of all the people, HE could have done so much more to help him out. But, instead, he wallowed in his own misery because he was obsessed in trying to get his EX-GF back. He also has posted this on the dreaded Facebook and people are sending their condolences to not only T, but to his so called best friend. It just reeks of attention whoring and it makes me sick to my stomach. Someone died, somebody I knew, and while this may seem trivial, it still undermines T's death by spouting off at the mouth how much of a best friend he was to you. Why does someone feel the need to post on Facebook? It's absolutely shameless. He is getting so many condolence messages, as if HE was the one who passed away. IT just infuriates me.

Anyway, I don't want to think of this person, anymore. He's just a leech. I want to pay my condolences to someone who actually deserves it. I hope I can make his funeral, but I'm on the other coast of the country. We shall see. Thanks for listening to my ramble.

Cheers

Tomer

 

[Tomer]

Tomer - I lost my best friend when I was fourteen and believe me, any feelings of guilt you may have are absolutely natural. However, they aren't justified. I spent the whole of the year after pretty much crying my eyes out thinking if only I'd been with him, it could have been avoided (he had an accident). It took me months more to accept that there's nothing I could have done to save him and thinking there was was only making the healing process much, much slower. I know it's strange, and horrible, and unfair, but no matter what your brain keeps telling you, it wasn't your fault. You might want to consider seeing a therapist and getting all the feelings out. I repressed mine entirely and still suffer from it today because of that.

Pagey-

Thanks for the response. Therapy might be a good idea but I'm honestly coping with it OK for now. Like I said, we weren't super close, so this isn't a devastating blow, but its a blow, nonetheless. I do think about my own life, now. I think about where T would have been 30 years from now, what type of family he would have raised, etc.

The reason I felt I could have done more is because, as previously posted, I have always been hyper aware of peoples emotions and I knew T was in a bad state of mind for a LONG time now. I'm good at speaking with people 1 on 1 and making them feel comfortable. I don't have an issue letting them know I am concerned about them. But, I never ONCE even uttered a word of concern to T's face. Maybe behind his back in passing, but never to his face. We all can be narcissists and self-indulged, but sometimes I wonder if I take the cake.

Anyway, thanks for the love, Pagey. Hope you're well

Cheers

Tomer

 

[Pagey]

Just thought I'd give you another example to show you how you're in no way responsible; I tried to commit suicide a few months ago and I can assure you no one could have stopped me. The worst part is I'd told my closest friends whom I saw almost every day about all my problems, but even then not one of them suspected it would go that far and I don't blame them. In many cases, suicidal people will not show that they're depressed to that extent and you can't have been expected to see it. I don't hold any of my friends responsible for not having seen it coming and I know that when it comes to the actual act, it was nobody's fault but mine. You couldn't have guessed.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Hey Tomer, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss.
Death is never a lighthearted subject, and I completely understand the guilt that may be running through your veins.
But it is not your fault. It is nobodies fault.
These things happen, and it will always affect the people who are associated with the subject, whether or not you were the best of friends.
My greatest sympathies are going out to you, your friend and his family especially

 

[Stoned Immaculate]

Sorry to hear this.
I actually lost one of my old roomates last year to a heroin od. It's a hard thing to carry that guilt feeling. Her and I had been trying to make plans for months to get together, but I allowed life to come before plans with her. It's by no means something you should carry on your shoulders though. Keep their memory alive by remembering the times you guys were able to bond and the times you did communicate. My heart goes out to everyone effected by this