losing my mind

manboychef

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2013
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Location
central florida
I never thought life would be so hard. Why is it easier for me to be an amazing, chef, son, friend and lover when I'm high....and I'm such a failure at life when I'm not? I haven't tasted the morphine in the back of my throat as I register in over a year, which I take quite a bit of pride in, but why am i an angst ridden unemployable bastard when I'm not "on". I feel so much darkness, but I hold onto hope. How long do these self defeating feelings last, and how do I stop them.
 
Yeah I was like evil genius meets superman on steroids when I used. Now I can't be bothered. I guess maybe I'm in a dark place these days and I would step over my own mother for a hit right now..."god grant me the serenity..." repeat ad nauseum.
 
it took me two years to find some kind of peace after coming off heroin and OCs.
I think thats where it lies.
opiates takes forever to fully withdraw from.

I've been exactly where you are and it's hard to see the light.
but like they say in AA,"it gets better".for the alcoholics faster than for opiate addicts.

I'm on subs still so maybe I'm not technically clean,but whatever...
I dont live that life anymore and I'm not suicidal anymore.
it gets better.
 
It will get better. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear but if you stay off the drugs, these feelings will pass. As you know, drugs only cover up our real selves. Have you been doing any therapy to get to the root of these dark feelings? Might help talking to someone with an objective point of view.

To answer your question, we all think we present the best version of ourselves when we're high no matter what bullshit we're going thru. It's easy to hide shit when we're high. It's that instant fix that hooks most of us. If you are able to find a way out of the darkness while sober - that's something to be applauded. It's not easy. We know what the easy answer is. You are taking the harder way but it's worth it. Just know that every day will not feel like this and you're doing good staying sober.
 
Stick it out and if you can't/ don't want to cope talk to a doc and get on an ssri or something for a short period of time and with counseling and support you may find out your more capable then you realize without opioids. =) Hope this helps life a bitch sometimes hehe

God please be here . . .
 
yeah, i too think that some sort of psychotherapy might help (if you find the right approach and therapist).

btw, congratulations for being clean from the stuff for a year. this shows me that you have the strenght to make it. :)
 
Your emotions are amuck.. dont trust them.. stay in today! if you get into yesterday you will be filled with unjust but very real emotions of shame, guilt, self loathing, etc.. if you get into tomorrow you will get hit by fear, apprehension, self doubt, panic, anxiety, hopelessness.. you need to stay in today.. a good technique to help with this when you are not busy is mindfullness >here<..

another thing that can help with the wacked out emotions.. is for one day try not to judge something, or rather anything as good or bad.. If you dont make that judgement then the wacked out emotions never come.. next time you get hit byh that emtional hailstorm, think back a couple of thoughts.. there will be a judgement, something like "this is going to or this fkn sucks".. work on getting to the point where you no longer judge things as good or bad or whatever, they just are.. we determine how things are by our thoughts, or thoughts detemine our emotions.. so with a little practice we can cut down the emotional response untill the paws gets better and we have learned coping tequniques..

a decent thing to try is to identify every emotion as it comes in.. emotions need not be overwhelming.. look at them for what they are manipulations.. it is your subconscious manipulating your conscious.. they are made to stop us in our tracks and be really hard to ignore, that's why we feel them so powerful.. next time you get an emotion, i know it sounds a bit cheesy but say hello to it, hello anger, then work back logically through the reason you are experiencing it.. remember emotions only feel permanent, its a powerful illusion, and you can release emotion right into thin air, yeah sounds crazy agin, but the next time you are about to loose it, point your hands into the air and release the feeling out, just let it go.. for real..

hang in there.. you are doing great!
 
Just landed a forty k a year job. I am on subs...but doing my taper. Neversickanymore thank you so much. That actually made quite a lot of sense to me. I've been letting the negative thoughts and feelings build up without an outlet. You are so right about things not being good or bad...just being. I should accept, master, and move on. No junkie starts shooting up because things are going swimmingly....I just hope I can face the feelings that made me want to buy my death in increments eventually. How do u face those feelings?
 
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CONGRATS ON THE JOB=D.. always have to remember we are right where we are supposed to be, if something we wanted didn't happen, it maybe because it wasn't for us.. and something better/ more suited for us is a little down the road, LOL, fnk patience is a bitch.. I will stop in for the pineapple habanero ice cream:D
 
Glad to hear that. Also, congrats on being clean for over a year. Serious business - that is something to be proud of. Over 365 days!? You are doing great. Some days are gon be harder than others. I think if you can think positive about being clean for so long, you are gon feel better on a more regular basis. You could have easily gotten high yesterday and you didn't. That is to be applauded *claps hands*
 
From your lips to gods ears. Even the most seemingly insurmountable task can be accomplished by merely buckling down and facing it.
 
“It always seems impossible until its done.” - Nelson Mandela
“To believe a thing impossible is to make it so.” - French Proverb
“Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.” - G. M. Trevelyan
“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.” - Christopher Reeve
“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” - Lewis Carroll
“It is either easy or impossible.” - Salvador Dali
“To the timid and hesitating everything is impossible because it seems so.” - Sir Walter Scott
“We have more power than will; and it is often by way of excuse to ourselves that we fancy things are impossible.” - Francois Duc De la Rochefoucauld
“Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.” - Robert A. Heinlein
“The word impossible is not in my dictionary.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
“Impossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet.” - Anonymous
“No one gets very far unless he accomplishes the impossible at least once a day.” - Elbert Hubbard
“Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish.” - Marcus Aurelius
“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.” - Anthony Robbins
“The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.” – Douglas Adams
“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.” - Vince Lombardi
“The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking.” - Robert Schuller
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.” - Anonymous
“In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.” - Miguel de Cervantes
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” - Paulo Coelho
“Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.” - Amelia Earhart (if i could marry anyone~;) )
“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.” - Charles F. Kettering
“Every noble work is at first impossible.” - Thomas Carlyle
“There is nothing impossible to him who will try.” - Alexander the Great
“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” - Walt Disney
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time.” t edison

all we evr need to do is..
=D
 
I never thought life would be so hard. Why is it easier for me to be an amazing, chef, son, friend and lover when I'm high....and I'm such a failure at life when I'm not? I haven't tasted the morphine in the back of my throat as I register in over a year, which I take quite a bit of pride in, but why am i an angst ridden unemployable bastard when I'm not "on". I feel so much darkness, but I hold onto hope. How long do these self defeating feelings last, and how do I stop them.

I honestly understand where you're coming from a lot. I tend to try and act like the stigma of drugs in society is really all that is bad about them. The underground creation from miscommunication = pain and evil. I know we as users have a responsibility to educate others on our use. Whether or not we quit is really another thing in itself. At least you know when you're high how to enjoy it for what it is - accepting it makes you feel better. I tell myself the same thing because it's true in essence. However, I can't stand leaving marks on myself and I was never the person to allow one to really stick out, now I have scars. That to me is a sign of my life turning in a direction I didn't want to go - staying 'clean' in the eyes of everyone else is not really that hard, it's when you start to fall/fail that all the stigmas in society feel vindicated most. I wish you luck as I think we're on a similar journey.

-dp
 
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