Losing it October / Want to join Alice in her hole

[Cohesion]

I'm losing it about this time of year/semester. I go off the hook and end up hospitalized or upping my drugs come October. Only this time around I have a lot to lose if I can't paddle water. There's nothing I want more right now than a good ol' inpatient vacation.

- University requirements are demanding
- A 2 year old is demanding
- A failure of a baby daddy is draining

I've lost touch with God, meditation, yoga, and I'm smoking like a chimney. Holding on by a ... thread? In optimistic spirit, I'll call it a "string".

I'm just looking for
A) compassion, no flamers, no bitches, no assholes. Hard talk welcome.
B) BTDT experience
C) University students with mental illness/ legal drug dependency
D) Parents with mental illness / legal drug dependency

What is your experience? What is your initial response to this thread?

I'm cryin' and dyin' .... But angry, too.....I just don't know how/who to fight. And I'm fucking frightened. raw fear.

 

[georgewc2001]

For a long time, I had issues with the Fall time of year...my saying was "they don't call it the fall" for nothing. Anyway, there tends to be more parties with school starting and the weather becoming more moderate and halloween, etc. Also, the days getting shorter means less light means more depression.

To make a long story short, the "fall" was so hard one year, it took me out of college and into prison. Not fun, however, as you'd expect it gave an appreication for the little things.

So, my advice would be to try to focus on getting through the fall as sober as possible and try to enjoy the little things...being able to sit on a comfortable couch and watch a movie or tv...being able to enjoy a meal of your choice...or, my favorite, a nice long hot shower or bath. If the weathers good, get outside and enjoy a walk in the sun.

These things are enjoyable, but drugs rob your brain of being able to enjoy them. Try to take it back. I may not be telling you anything new. Sounds like you've been down the road to recovery before, but sometimes it helps to hear things again because the mind forgets.

 

[Asclepius]

the days getting shorter means less light means more depression.

This is a huge factor, apparently light boxes are meant to work well for those with S.A.D.
It's usually next month and toward Christmas that I dread! The minute those fkng Christmas Carrols start playing in stores....ugh!8)

I remember going to College a few years back and was experiencing bad social anxiety/panic Attacks; touching base with one of the College Councellors helped take the pressure off a little with Assignments, as she filled in forms granting me extensions. My main problem was that I really started drifting away and wanting to escape, because trying to put on a facade of okayness in College meant I was more concerned that anyone would see how fukd up I felt rather than concentrating on course work than looking after myself.
Firstly, start working on taking back on some on the little things you know help you, your sabotaging your welfare by saying you lost touch with them and not actively persuing them. Conciously re-engage with them(or try something different/new to replace them and spice up your interest in persuing them) beause if you dont do it when your at your worst, you'll never break the self fullfilling prophecy that happens this time of the year. Look at it as a challenge rather than a disaster. Black and white thinking perpetuates extreme reactions. Be gentle with yourself, if its a major struggle then you alone have to soften the blow by taking whatever steps to tailor to your needs ie outside help, organising time off, allowing/giving yourself time to vent, finding some way to delegate some of your Emotional and physical responsibilities.
Dont underestimate yourself, although this time of the year spurrs you to go off the rails you dont have to be a Zombie and go with it, know it must be very difficult for you with your little one but use her as a reason not to, she needs her Mom to be well and caring for herself.
I'm not a single Mother but have many friends raising kids alone, dont forget to reward yourself for being a Mom who's trying her damndest to be contientious and get on with her life, you are putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself and your fear of failure can be consuming, is their friends/Groups or anything in similar situations that you can reach out to?
Take this struggle as a sign to up the Ante when it comes to looking after yourself, Pamper yourself as much as you can(dont forget to let yourself take time to have a laugh, either at yourself or at someone else, ) You have a hell of a lot of responsibility on your plate and you have to put yourself first or else problems on the surface will come kicking you-until you address them with the attention you deserve. Dont bullshit yourself but be gentle.

 

[Help me please]

Mami, I have a legal drug dependancy but I'm a grandma to a 4 year old. I have him 5 to 6 days a week and most of the time it's from morning till late at night. My son and DIL work odd hours and then they go out on weekends which I encourage. I know they need time to relax and they are both straight X so no worries about what they are doing.

Everyone needs a break and a fall back to go to. Day care while in classes isn't enough! You need "me time". Sleeping, shopping, whatever it takes but a time when you can do what you need to. I get overwhelmed with my grandson at times too. Shopping with him can be a nightmare!

Don't give up sweetie! It will get better. Your child will go to school full time in a few years. You'll find the right guy to make a life with too. Look for the positive things! Two year old have lots of "firsts". They do amazing things and if you don't watch you'll miss them.

Do you have someone that can give you a break? If the baby's father isn't willing then don't push it. You can't make someone be a dad. Do you have family? What about a friend you can swap time with or even have play dates with? Isn't there a program that matches people with grandparents who maybe don't have grandkids or they live far away? Not sure why that came to mind.

 

[Cohesion]

I read all your responses about an hour ago, thanks a lot for that. I can't read them again now because I can't stop crying. And I've spent enough time sitting in this stress today.

I called a local help line. Not very helpful, but what else can I do. I'm having a break down : (

Wrongly diagnosed, I self medicate with klonopin, adderall, and paxil. Self diagnosis.

Axis I: Chemical dependency
Axis II: Delusional disorder

I don't know why I'm on this website right now.

 

[Asclepius]

Mami, so sorry your having a rough time Can you arrange to see someone professionaly ATM? Please keep posting here on BL and let us know how your getting on?