36yr old male, Surrey, UK. always had depression and crippling anxiety. Used alcohol and drugs to mask things for many years, now can't 'function' in work or social environments without diazapam or alcohol (been taking for a number of years, roughly 10mg a day when I have to go out or work). Been through 4 jobs since May 2014, can't stick them out due to panic attacks. Have started a new job but it's going the same way as the previous ones and already thinking about jacking it in as colleagues are noticing my odd behaviour. Struggling to pay rent on my flat as I keep quitting work. Had a good social group until 3 years ago, pushed them all away and now they don't want to know/think im insane and the thought of meeting up with them fills me with dread and panic anyway. Have 2 children who I see frequently but I'm not with the mother. Have tried citalopram for 10 weeks, didn't do anything other than make me feel suicidal and manic. Have tried talking therepy a few times and spent a lot of money on it but that's not working either. Can't play sports anymore (used to play rugby, cricket and football but injured my lower back playing a year ago). Just feels like I've lost everyhing and I can't control my feelings, absorbed in my thoughts and feeling increasingly suicidal, waking up every day wishing I wasn't here, thinking of ways of ending it. I know a lot of people go through this type of stuff but It's having such an impact on my quality of life and has done so for a long time. Hopeless.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
losing ground
- Thread starter Cheezed
- Start date
danglesmcgee
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2015
- Messages
- 128
Hey buddy,
You can talk to us on here, alot of people here have been through this, especially the drug/alcohol side of things.
Panic attacks suck! anxiety and depression can manifest themselves within one another, ie. your anxiety gets so bad it turns into depression and vice versa. dont take this the wrong way - but it sounds like you suffer from some real mental disorders. one that stands out it about your social situation, ....panic attacks, social anxietys, your suicidal ideology is worrying, it doesnt really seem like a respectable thing to do does it? think about your two kids when they are 40 years old ..."my dad killed himself".
"oh sorry to hear...." and nothing is ever said again because of the circumstances and the mess you left on earth. Dont leave your legacy like that dude. Its frankly...selfish. Your children will never understand why you died the way you did. dont put them through that, for their sake.
When i give advice to people taking drugs for the first time i always say - you can always take more, but you can never take back what you have already taken. Once you cross that line and kill yourself there isnt any coming back, and YOU DONT KNOW WHATS ON THE OTHER SIDE Its not like you just go to sleep , i just dont believe that everything we do on earth, all these emotions, children, ex-wives, pain, pleasure, challanges.....are all just in vein. You got to believe you have a soul man.
If therapy hasnt helped then you must really consider medication, if citalopram doesnt work, then tell your doctor. Maybe your doctor might put you on another medication. be very mindful that with anti-depressants they have a peroid (sometimes up to 6 months) where by your brain adjusts to the drug, it can take a long time before the drug begins to do what its suppose to, in the mean time it can make your depression 10x worse! you need to give medication patience and time. im not your doctor, nor have i personally met you but I would personally recommend desvenlafaxine, give it at least 3-4 weeks before you expect a change. desvenlafaxine is fantastic for depression, but also is designed to manage anxiety, and it seems like for you that could help, speak to your doctor about it maybe.
But my friend, let me tell you - death is not as easy as people make it out to be, it must be a absoluetly fucking terrifying feeling knowing that you are about to do something thats taking you into the unknown, and you cannot take back. ever.
Keep in touch, we are all here to talk.
You can talk to us on here, alot of people here have been through this, especially the drug/alcohol side of things.
Panic attacks suck! anxiety and depression can manifest themselves within one another, ie. your anxiety gets so bad it turns into depression and vice versa. dont take this the wrong way - but it sounds like you suffer from some real mental disorders. one that stands out it about your social situation, ....panic attacks, social anxietys, your suicidal ideology is worrying, it doesnt really seem like a respectable thing to do does it? think about your two kids when they are 40 years old ..."my dad killed himself".
"oh sorry to hear...." and nothing is ever said again because of the circumstances and the mess you left on earth. Dont leave your legacy like that dude. Its frankly...selfish. Your children will never understand why you died the way you did. dont put them through that, for their sake.
When i give advice to people taking drugs for the first time i always say - you can always take more, but you can never take back what you have already taken. Once you cross that line and kill yourself there isnt any coming back, and YOU DONT KNOW WHATS ON THE OTHER SIDE Its not like you just go to sleep , i just dont believe that everything we do on earth, all these emotions, children, ex-wives, pain, pleasure, challanges.....are all just in vein. You got to believe you have a soul man.
If therapy hasnt helped then you must really consider medication, if citalopram doesnt work, then tell your doctor. Maybe your doctor might put you on another medication. be very mindful that with anti-depressants they have a peroid (sometimes up to 6 months) where by your brain adjusts to the drug, it can take a long time before the drug begins to do what its suppose to, in the mean time it can make your depression 10x worse! you need to give medication patience and time. im not your doctor, nor have i personally met you but I would personally recommend desvenlafaxine, give it at least 3-4 weeks before you expect a change. desvenlafaxine is fantastic for depression, but also is designed to manage anxiety, and it seems like for you that could help, speak to your doctor about it maybe.
But my friend, let me tell you - death is not as easy as people make it out to be, it must be a absoluetly fucking terrifying feeling knowing that you are about to do something thats taking you into the unknown, and you cannot take back. ever.
Keep in touch, we are all here to talk.
Thank you for replying. Just feel hopeless, lost all self esteem and confidence in myself. Don't feel connected to people. Love my children so much and you're right it would be awful for them and others if I did something stupid. It's massively selfish to think how I do, I realise this and have a good insight into how I feel, I just can't control my feelings and emotions. Everything is so intense, I lose concentration and my chain of thought in group situations because I'm so self absorbed/worried. It's crazy! the only solace I have is going to sleep at night and switching off from the world. I'll speak to a dr about further medication.
danglesmcgee
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2015
- Messages
- 128
Your sounding a bit more positive 
yes, and i say again...these anti depressants take time to work. in the mean time you may feel alot worse, this should be expected as your brain adjusts... in time they should drastically change your mood. Its like, the drug is trying to create a elevated/improved mood for you,, but because your so depressed its a very very fragile situation to begin with. So just be patient with the meds. keep in touch, let us know how things go.
yes, and i say again...these anti depressants take time to work. in the mean time you may feel alot worse, this should be expected as your brain adjusts... in time they should drastically change your mood. Its like, the drug is trying to create a elevated/improved mood for you,, but because your so depressed its a very very fragile situation to begin with. So just be patient with the meds. keep in touch, let us know how things go.THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2005
- Messages
- 8,180
Where you from in Surrey? I was born and raised in Guildford!
danglesmcgee
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2015
- Messages
- 128
do you see a normal general doctor? if so i highly recommend you seek a psychiatrist. They can really pin point a medication, and more importantly explain what it does and what to expect. The fact that citalopram made you feel suicidal even after 10 weeks is a concern to a doctor. They can prescribe medications better taylored to your problems described. Panic attacks, social anxietys, and depression are a litany of problems. They will pick and prod at you until they see a result in you. and be Careful with the valiums and booze, after years benzo's can and will dull your emotions. Its a CNS depressant. You become dependent and depression will follow closely behind. But 10mg per day is a low dose. Good for you if you can stick to just 10mg. use it as a tool.
Maybe its time to seriously persue a resolution to your anguish. its possible, humans are not meant to feel this way all the time, clearly you are far off balance.
Keep in touch.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Thought I would come back and update. Since I posted the thread things have gotten better, largely due to me getting a job I enjoy. I have been clean from the valium since December. I'm on 20mg of citalopram a day, which keeps me stable, in that it takes away feelings of despair and hopelessness. I've cut ties with a lot of people and although have a couple of close friends and will go on the odd drinking session with them (say once or twice a month) Im largely a recluse, relaxing at mine and making music. I've come to accept who I am and although I sometimes get lonely, I generally like keeping myself to myself. I'm not as bothered about what people think anymore. Luckily a large part of my job is working with people but also loan working and managing my own diary and time (no managers breathing down my neck constantly). Although my life has stabilised a hell of a lot since my last post on here, I am mindful I could and probably will breakdown again in the future, but I wanted to post this to let others suffering from shitty mental health that things can get better, even when it seems there's no light.
danglesmcgee
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2015
- Messages
- 128
good times ahead
good job mate! 1 month let alone 3-4 months is a huge achievement. This doesnt mean there is no more medication left now to treat your anxiety and other problematic conditions. and it doesnt mean you have to give up completely on medication and treatment.
for example Ask your doctor about Buspirone. or Buspar. very strange drug when you start taking it, but i take it now and i compare its effects on anxiety specifically to 1mg of clonazepam which is like lets say 20mg valium but lasts twice as long....BUT. minus the doppyness, 'fuck it' feeling and all the other horrible side effects and dependence issues. Absolutely no dependence issues nor addiction, abuse at all after 12 months of use. It works wonders for me and having the confidence im not locked into this medication in itself is huge. it also plays a little trickery similar to ADD medication (i have add) works on the dopamine d2 site receptors (concentration and collected thought processing if im not mistaken) so
it helps you maintain a present mindstate (one key to overcoming anxiety) so for example with me the increased concentration helps me stay mindful and present, and hence ...not so much free radical negative energies floating and unbalancing my neuological state. and then at the same time it works as a little antidepressant over time ....its complicated. it elevates your mood but without the horrible side effects of snri's and ssri's (traditional antidepressants) and its a newish drug that they are still trying to figure out (and get fully approved). im not a doctor btw. please note this. But i feel you man, sometimes anxiety and depression and actually the same thing, they just manifest themselves as one another when you get so desperate about the anxiety and so it feeds itself into another emotion base. so im glad your well on the mend
Again, i encourage you to seek advice from a actual psychiatrist on these matters, stick to the script. You havnt seen nothing yet btw....just you wait another 3 months withdrawal from benzo, or maybe even less and your memory will come back in full swing, dreams, more physical improvements on every level ....just imagine anything to do with the central nervous system ( like the brain, digestive matters, impulsive issues) they are all being repaired and there is still alot to look forward to. Ive been there with benzo withdrawal (i would take 0.5mg clonzepamX5-10 per day + 60-70mg valium per day...and night time 30 of temazepam) the dispair and depression is unreal. putting loaded revolvers to my head while downing 1 ltr of bacardi, pull the hammer back and flaunt with death. its fuckt. benzos always fuck you in the end. Keep on keeping yourself busy, social anxiety its a difficult aspect of anxiety to actually understand (at least for me)
Keep going strong man
good job mate! 1 month let alone 3-4 months is a huge achievement. This doesnt mean there is no more medication left now to treat your anxiety and other problematic conditions. and it doesnt mean you have to give up completely on medication and treatment.
for example Ask your doctor about Buspirone. or Buspar. very strange drug when you start taking it, but i take it now and i compare its effects on anxiety specifically to 1mg of clonazepam which is like lets say 20mg valium but lasts twice as long....BUT. minus the doppyness, 'fuck it' feeling and all the other horrible side effects and dependence issues. Absolutely no dependence issues nor addiction, abuse at all after 12 months of use. It works wonders for me and having the confidence im not locked into this medication in itself is huge. it also plays a little trickery similar to ADD medication (i have add) works on the dopamine d2 site receptors (concentration and collected thought processing if im not mistaken) so
it helps you maintain a present mindstate (one key to overcoming anxiety) so for example with me the increased concentration helps me stay mindful and present, and hence ...not so much free radical negative energies floating and unbalancing my neuological state. and then at the same time it works as a little antidepressant over time ....its complicated. it elevates your mood but without the horrible side effects of snri's and ssri's (traditional antidepressants) and its a newish drug that they are still trying to figure out (and get fully approved). im not a doctor btw. please note this. But i feel you man, sometimes anxiety and depression and actually the same thing, they just manifest themselves as one another when you get so desperate about the anxiety and so it feeds itself into another emotion base. so im glad your well on the mend
Again, i encourage you to seek advice from a actual psychiatrist on these matters, stick to the script. You havnt seen nothing yet btw....just you wait another 3 months withdrawal from benzo, or maybe even less and your memory will come back in full swing, dreams, more physical improvements on every level ....just imagine anything to do with the central nervous system ( like the brain, digestive matters, impulsive issues) they are all being repaired and there is still alot to look forward to. Ive been there with benzo withdrawal (i would take 0.5mg clonzepamX5-10 per day + 60-70mg valium per day...and night time 30 of temazepam) the dispair and depression is unreal. putting loaded revolvers to my head while downing 1 ltr of bacardi, pull the hammer back and flaunt with death. its fuckt. benzos always fuck you in the end. Keep on keeping yourself busy, social anxiety its a difficult aspect of anxiety to actually understand (at least for me)
Keep going strong man