So I have a plan. A shitty one, at best. Re Squeaky's last reply: yeah...i told myself tons of times that I need to stockpile or actually stick to a taper plan. But stockpiling more than a week or so was never convenient (no time to go around town to all the various stores, not to mention never having enough extra money to do a legit stockpile). And as for the tapering, I have a childlike lack of self-discipline and willpower. There...i said it. Sad but true. As soon as I'd start feeling even a little crappy I'd abandon my taper schedule and never try to get back on track. It probably doesn't help that I get little to no sleep on weekdays (like 2 hrs, 4 max) and I'm not the most healthful person in terms of eating habits and activity level...idk how any of that is relevant except to say that I feel like if my mind and body were more "in-shape" I'd probably be more successful at sticking to a taper. But, as it stands, I puss out at the first sign of discomfort.
Hey, I'm in the Lope boat too myself, more or less the same one, as im going strong at the 400/day dose and really struggling to make all of the days work. I have nothing to add to the Suboxone idea, except that its a really good idea and you should do what you can to make it happen.
Mainly, its about your boyfriend. Addiction sucks really bad, but if you really want to get better, you'll probably need to actually tell him. the reason being is that secrets, lies, the framework for addiction that we make for ourselves breeds itself. trying to keep this from him is going to cause the stress/anxiety/and depression to fester, because you'll have to hide it. you'll feel bad for hiding it, and scared of what might happen if he finds out. For me, this stress and depression of the "big lie" made me take liberties with my taper schedule and ultimately relapse fully. The stress of hiding it made me use more. AND when the inevitable W/D, it feels worse, because not only do you suffer from the symptoms, but you have to hide and explain them away. You can't ask for help when you're hiding, and hiding it may mean that you have to sacrifice your suboxone and go back to lope to keep hiding the fact that you even have a problem at all.
You need to talk to the ones close to you about this, hard as it may be. They may even be understanding, ready and willing to help you get your suboxone and to your doctor appointments. it will take the huge load off of you from hiding it, and if it is such a problem you need help, hiding it from your boyfriend is going to be hard and its going to hurt you a lot.
I don't know your situation, but I know mine, and I didn't start getting help i really needed until I went full discloure with everyone I was close to earlier last week. It wasn't all good, but its the kind of thing that *has* to happen to move forward. Addiction makes us really good liars, but that comes with being addicted as long as we keep the lies. Except im still addicted, but you know what I mean
