Looking for some help, pref people with experience cleaning up broken pieces

[safe]

Let me preface this by saying that i am not going to harm myself. I have had thoughts along those lines, the same as any introspective person has had before. I've always viewed suicide academically and define the validity of preforming said act based on the effects that will come after said event.

For example, if I killed myself I would reap unspeakable sadness on my mother and father, who throughout all my life have never done me any wrong. It's a good and main reason why I do not just off myself, because the people who would be hurt are the ones least deserving.

They are amazing people who have always given complete support to me through all my nefarious en devours. Without getting too gooshy, they are excellent reliable parents who despite all their efforts to see otherwise, still got stuck with a weak, lazy, good for nothing, leech of a son.

I've been doing drugs every day of my life since I was 12 when I first tried pot. That took over for a few years, I had friends we we're young blah blah blah. A bit later I got into painkillers, then heroin. This lasted.. 5 years or so until I got clean for 3 years and started a suboxone maintenance program. Goodie gumdrops, one drug substituted for another, just this one cheaper and easier to get. I'm not giving this history in any way to gloat, but to give background information for what I want to say next, the crux of my problem.

The problem isn't the drugs. The problem is me. I am broken. it pains me to say this but I am. Actually it doesn't really illicit a painful reaction, more like detached resignation and a bit of relief for seeing things clearly. Things normal people want to do, I simply have no interest in. I do not go out. I do not have friends. If I wanted to I could make them, I've always been good at making friends. But I just don't want to. An example, a girl recently offered herself up to me for basically whatever I wanted to do to her and if you looked at my face right that moment my face would be same as a man who just realized Wendy's didn't charge him for that soda he just. It just.. didn't mean anything to me.

I'm a husk. I used far too many psychoactive drugs (just about everything you can think of) during my adolescents and I'm fairly sure I caused some damage.. certain processes that take place in the brain during it's development in adolescents must of gotten all fucked up by the shit I was putting in myself. But basically what it comes down to is, I'm not really here. I drive to work, do my job, come home, eat, read for hours to try fall asleep because I can't.. despite prescription medications.

I walk through my days as a shadow. I touch no one. No one touches me. Physically. Emotionally. When I think about these things, I feel chagrined. But I can't even tell if this feeling is based on the fact that I can't touch the world or more to the point because I think I should feel, so I tell myself I'm chagrined.

I'm so very, very broken. And I don't think there's anything that can make me whole. I can remember a time when I wasn't too deep in..

I laughed because a joke was funny, not because if I didn't it would look weird.

I would answer phone calls from friends and make plans to meet with them. No one calls anymore.. months/years of neglect has seen to that.

If a girl showed signs she wanted to get to know me more I would oblige. Now I pretend I didn't notice and scurry home to my cocoon, my protective bubble that is my room.

I suppose you could say I'm depressed. I have been all my life. But there's more to this than that I think. I don't sit around saying "poor me my life is so bad I'm so sad". It's more like I watch my life pass by as a detached observer who really has no preference which way things go. This isn't life. This isn't me. Or rather, this IS me now but it wasn't always.

I've come to terms that this is "me" now so I should just stop bitching about it and deal with it.

But damn it, I can dream of a day I might not be so broken. Can't I?

 

[theartofwar]

absolutely relate to you dude, i'm very detached to myself also. I have PTSD and it is prolly the biggest problem, being detached, I have to make myself to be rational and logical about my choices otherwise I just float around through life and nothing changes - never good but never quite bad enough to change, just absent of life. When did you start feeling like this ? Have you talked w a doc about this stuff - how old are you now ?

 

[panic in paradise]

... a park in the dark , is never the same ...


sometimes, when this thought comes to light , all you see is change.

change can be whats left over in your pocket, scattered about, when you exchange this for a greater denomination, you do so with a resembled self.

your can then be left on a shelf, a memoir of those days, if you can open 'It' up with confidence, you'll feel the same about the next page.

open yourself up, unto yourself - in so many senses.

 

[safe]

absolutely relate to you dude, i'm very detached to myself also. I have PTSD and it is prolly the biggest problem, being detached, I have to make myself to be rational and logical about my choices otherwise I just float around through life and nothing changes - never good but never quite bad enough to change, just absent of life. When did you start feeling like this ? Have you talked w a doc about this stuff - how old are you now ?

I'm sorry for you that you can relate to the way I am, I suppose there's some comfort in numbers though. Thanks for your response.

I've been like this ever since I got clean 4 years ago or so.. I don't remember exactly the time, I never really cared about keeping track of clean time. The days behind me never had any significance.

For the first year or two I attributed it to my body just trying to get back to normal from the large quantities of opiates it was used to getting on a daily basis. But as more time went on, I came to the realization that the state my mind was in would not be "getting better tomorrow". I'm numb and segregated from the world.

I'm 24 years old. I have not talked to a doctor. What would I even say, what could he even do for me? Is what I'm experiencing even a medical condition or am I just being a whiny kid?

If I knew being sober would be like this, I wouldn't have bothered. Better to feel something, even if it's misery and desperation punctuated by brief states of euphoria and comfort. I've thought about going back to my old ways, maybe if I wasn't so despondent and apathetic I already would have.

What should I do? What can I do?

 

[baileylsd]

Hey mate, i'm pretty much in the same boat as u.

All i can say is just take 1 day at a time, if u have peopel that care for you, try to get out and see them as much as possible. Try to take up a new hobby (even if u have to force yourself) and keep yourself occupied. Thats what i've done and its helped. I'm def. alot better then i used to be but still a bit of a mess. One other thing i can recommend is to do some volunteer work, it'll make u feel a hell of alot better about yourself, and even though u may still be a mess at least your doing more good in the world then some others.

Hope this helps