Emerald Dragon
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2020
- Messages
- 4
As I am looking at what prefix to put on this post, it's hard to choose just one. I'm a combination of desperate, exhausted, hopeless, lost, and scared. I've been wanting to post this for weeks now so here goes.
I'm an iv meth addict. Started about 3.5 years ago smoking and started shooting last August. I am doing approx 300mg a day. I do take days off, but not yet at an every other day habit. Some things that I should mention - I'm 50 years old, have a wife and kids. No, they don't know, although my wife suspects something (to me I'm thinking how can they NOT know?). I'm in the IT field, although recently laid off. And ironically, I'm a senior master of a Buddhist organization (something I attained prior to my habit). I really need to quit doing this as I'm sure at some point it will kill me. I am very hesitant to even consider in-patient treatment. It would crush my wife, my son, my instructor, everyone. It's hard to explain the kind of shock wave it would cause but it would be really bad (from my viewpoint at the moment at least). Plus having a hard time seeing how Buddhism and the 12 steps can be copacetic. This is assuming there even is in-patient treatment anymore in our new COVID-19 world.
I have been seeing a therapist, but just a few times. I had trouble keeping appointments, so I stopped....but thinking maybe I should restart. The thing is, it's hard for me to ascertain exactly what's wrong with me. I'm the same old guy as always in some respects, but in others I'm very flaky - don't return phone calls, haven't really been looking for a job, and still haven't filed my 2018 taxes. What the fuck. I cannot believe I still haven't filed that. I know I should...I know I need to...but yet there's a million things to fix around the house and I choose one of them instead.
Another aspect to this is that it's a confluence between a meth and sex addiction that makes it especially difficult for me. I've probably been a sex addict for 30 years but boy you take meth and a vibrator and I am good to go for hours. And I mean hours. The sheer amount of time I've spent doing that boggles my mind. Time I could have been doing other things like look for a job, or file my taxes. And to boot my sex life with my wife has gone to 0. I want to, but can't maintain an erection at all. She sort of blames herself a little but I tell no it's not her, but haven't told her why.
About 2 years ago I got pretty sick from something involving meth, had to go to the ER. I told my wife then that I had gotten some from the dark web (which is true as I don't know anyone who does it locally). She took it and assumed I had stopped...but of course I hadn't. Last August I went for an entire week without doing it when we went on vacation, but now that we don't take vacations anymore it's easy to sit at home and find time to sneak off and do my thing.
The plan with the therapist was that I would try and taper off to every other day - to get the executive function of my brain going again. I am able to some days, other days I fully intend to abstain only to suddenly be like hey my wife is leaving for an hour, it's meth time. My question is how does recovery look from here? While I'm not working it would seem to be a really good time to take the hit and stop, even if I end up sleeping 16 hours a day, but unfortunately not working also makes it seem like a really good timer to do more meth. Looking for people who have gone down this road before and have so me advice. One thing I haven't tried (again, ironically) is meditation. This is largely because I'm not sure what to actually do. I'm really good at the zen no-mind meditation and have experience in meditations that essentially program the mind this way or the other, but I just haven't been able to muster the energy to roll my own anti-meth programming because honestly I don't know what that would look like from my current point of view.
Thanks for reading.
I'm an iv meth addict. Started about 3.5 years ago smoking and started shooting last August. I am doing approx 300mg a day. I do take days off, but not yet at an every other day habit. Some things that I should mention - I'm 50 years old, have a wife and kids. No, they don't know, although my wife suspects something (to me I'm thinking how can they NOT know?). I'm in the IT field, although recently laid off. And ironically, I'm a senior master of a Buddhist organization (something I attained prior to my habit). I really need to quit doing this as I'm sure at some point it will kill me. I am very hesitant to even consider in-patient treatment. It would crush my wife, my son, my instructor, everyone. It's hard to explain the kind of shock wave it would cause but it would be really bad (from my viewpoint at the moment at least). Plus having a hard time seeing how Buddhism and the 12 steps can be copacetic. This is assuming there even is in-patient treatment anymore in our new COVID-19 world.
I have been seeing a therapist, but just a few times. I had trouble keeping appointments, so I stopped....but thinking maybe I should restart. The thing is, it's hard for me to ascertain exactly what's wrong with me. I'm the same old guy as always in some respects, but in others I'm very flaky - don't return phone calls, haven't really been looking for a job, and still haven't filed my 2018 taxes. What the fuck. I cannot believe I still haven't filed that. I know I should...I know I need to...but yet there's a million things to fix around the house and I choose one of them instead.
Another aspect to this is that it's a confluence between a meth and sex addiction that makes it especially difficult for me. I've probably been a sex addict for 30 years but boy you take meth and a vibrator and I am good to go for hours. And I mean hours. The sheer amount of time I've spent doing that boggles my mind. Time I could have been doing other things like look for a job, or file my taxes. And to boot my sex life with my wife has gone to 0. I want to, but can't maintain an erection at all. She sort of blames herself a little but I tell no it's not her, but haven't told her why.
About 2 years ago I got pretty sick from something involving meth, had to go to the ER. I told my wife then that I had gotten some from the dark web (which is true as I don't know anyone who does it locally). She took it and assumed I had stopped...but of course I hadn't. Last August I went for an entire week without doing it when we went on vacation, but now that we don't take vacations anymore it's easy to sit at home and find time to sneak off and do my thing.
The plan with the therapist was that I would try and taper off to every other day - to get the executive function of my brain going again. I am able to some days, other days I fully intend to abstain only to suddenly be like hey my wife is leaving for an hour, it's meth time. My question is how does recovery look from here? While I'm not working it would seem to be a really good time to take the hit and stop, even if I end up sleeping 16 hours a day, but unfortunately not working also makes it seem like a really good timer to do more meth. Looking for people who have gone down this road before and have so me advice. One thing I haven't tried (again, ironically) is meditation. This is largely because I'm not sure what to actually do. I'm really good at the zen no-mind meditation and have experience in meditations that essentially program the mind this way or the other, but I just haven't been able to muster the energy to roll my own anti-meth programming because honestly I don't know what that would look like from my current point of view.
Thanks for reading.