Looking for serious users advice

[5meoh]

Hey,

Hope everyone's doing good.

So essentially if you count the fact that I'm tapering off Methadone (down to 9mg) I've been on hard drugs for about 15 years straight. Somehow I've managed to get two diplomas, a good job, a home, cars, but I don't understand why I need hard (and I mean hard) drugs so bad.

I've tried therapy, I've tried counselling, I've tried SSRIs etc etc etc etc

Bottom line is I get so frustrated with sobriety that I absolutely need to get blasted sometimes. Now, I've found some ways to minimize it, for example Downer cravings can be settled with MDMA/MDA and my Stimulant cravings can be dealt with by simply NOT consuming alcohol.

However, every now and then I just really want to sit by the record player, get doped up and enjoy music by myself all fucked up.

I resist, I have resisted for years, Ive been clean for years sans a few episodes. But the cravings my god!! Its like a beast!

My second problem is I always go to the extreme, I can't do just a few points, or a half of white, or 180mg Molly, its always retarded doses I wont even post.

I realistically would rather not have these cravings, I have it under control but I just wish a beer and a joint would make me happy again, I'm not referencing depression, I just mean the glow from a few beers/wine and or a joint. It just makes me think F this, I want something harder!

Anyways, I'm sure others feel the same, have you found anything that works?

When I was on a high dose of Methadone I didnt want anything, but then again I was pretty blasted off the done, so that shouldn't be my answer.

Ive seen the same psych and Dr for 6 years, bot are incredibly intelligent and amazing people. Both say I'm fine, I'm "cured" if it existed, not because of anything other than self control. However does this mean a life of wanting something I dont want?

I don't know the answers, and, as individuals yours will be different than mine based on your perceptions and paradigms including social context. However I need to address this before it drives me into a real depression or triggers a relapse which I absolutely do not want.

Just an FYI, I recently had a surgery and was given 300 dilaudeds, didn't abuse a single one! Proud of that, but that's not to say I wasn't tempted like a kid in a candy store!

However, as soon as they were gone I thought, well why the helll didn't I get off once! I dunno..... I know I'm not alone on this I just wonder what you do.

Please don't reference yoga/meditation, I've tried it very respectfully and I can't connect with it. As for fitness, I'm fine, and in fact in good shape. So working out isn't the answer either.

Its almost as if the answer would be simply; legally allow me to get off every one and a while on real product to release the tension. Ideally, this would work far better than finding out x person has x amount of good (insert dope here), to which you just want to spend a couple grand and stock up.

The above isn't realistic, drinking I need to stay away from cause it makes me purchase the hard shit, I just dont fucking know!

./end rant/ frustrated with myself

 

[herbavore]

Its almost as if the answer would be simply; legally allow me to get off every one and a while on real product to release the tension. Ideally, this would work far better than finding out x person has x amount of good (insert dope here), to which you just want to spend a couple grand and stock up.

I can relate to this, not necessarily to wanting to get high every now and then, but just in wanting something that I know I can't let myself have because the consequences would not be worth it. The reason I can't have everything I want is that it never comes no strings attached. I never understood that when I was younger. If I wanted it I went after it with no thought about the consequences. It's part of getting older and maturing to realize that everything comes down to a choice. Craving is almost never solely about the object craved--there is always an undercurrent of unquenchable desire for a deeper need. I find that when I am craving things that I know aren't healthy that I can turn my focus deeper. It doesn't take the craving away but it gives me a little more space from it. (In my case this always comes up around eating.)

Maybe the best you can do is just to accept that you will always have these cravings from time to time. You said in your post that you know that you will never be able to indulge "every now and then". ("My second problem is I always go to the extreme, I can't do just a few points, or a half of white, or 180mg Molly, its always retarded doses I wont even post.") I think that life gets so much easier when you can accept your discomfort as a temporary state, knowing it will pass.

I guess the only thing that I would offer as advice is to try to fill your life with more adrenaline producing experiences. It sounds like you like to push the envelope so why not find non-drug related ways to do that? (Sky-diving is kind of a cliché but I'm thinking along those lines or maybe solo travel?)

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

What is the actual question you are asking for assistance with?

 

[kaitybear]

5meoh....people make drugs seem bad. They are all stereotypes. If you have a decent life then why give it up. If it makes you happy, then why change. No-one will understand the journey your going through and they dont have to its not for them. If you don't think its a problem. Then keep getting high with the smile grinning upon your face. Because at the end of the day does it really matter what anyone does...Jesus Christ no.

 

[neversickanymore]

Have you considered taking a psychedelic trip when the urge gets really strong. I take a mild to moderate mushroom trip about six times a year. Usually once with each season and then one if i start to slide into a strong addictive push or if i venture into certain danger. I have a great trip and it helps to see how my thinking has been all wackered out. I wake up the next day, or afternoon usually, feeling great, energized, happy, and with little or no addictive drive left.

This also breaks up the monotony of sobriety and allows for me to partake in some activities where the temptation to get all blown out could be really uncomfortable.

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah I pretty much do it like neversickanymore, except I also smoke weed and drink and it doesn't trigger me. But for me, that desire to venture into more intense altered states is totally sated by psychedelics, and they don't inspire me to abuse them and start living unhealthily. Quite the opposite in fact.