Digestion, Serotonin, Soul
Hello my BL friends!
I've stayed away for quite a while.
I doubt I will really come back to post on a regular basis, but I feel the need to check in from time to time.
I'm sorry to see the most recent addition to the ranks of the injured.
I'm also sorry to see the issue transformed into semantics...
WhatIsWrongWithMe - quite a title you chose.
Check mine out.
In fact, check out my posts, including my first thread.
It appears there is quite a mysterious connection between shitting and happiness!
My story is simple.
Moderate light user, using tested gear, first time rolling two weekends in a row.
Typical dose was 2.5 tabs per night.
After the second weekend, I ate half a tab the next day.
Within 3 days, and after a high dose of benedryl, I had a CRIPPLING and horrific response.
Sudden chest pain like no other, out of nowhere!
Quick onset tachycardia and fear of heart-attack is a very common first sign of serotonin syndrome.
But the chest pain quickly became the less important symptom for me.
The primary pain I experienced was in my stomach.
I could not believe how much pain and pressure started building in my stomach!
Like a bag of stones was just SITTING in there.
Looking back I realize that liver failure, a rare complication of acute MDMA toxicity, may be a result of a collapse of the digestive system.
The exact mechanism is a mystery to doctors....although a few slow onset cases of liver failure have been documented, most are rapid and life-threatening (and defy explanation).
Slowly the massive pressure in my stomach moved south.
Very very sloooooowly.
As it left the stomach and entered the small intestines, I could tell that what I was going through was dramatic, dangerous, and damaging to my health.
There are no words to describe the anxiety of those first few hours.
It is a special kind of hell.
Eventually my large intestines inherited the pain.
By now the anxiety had literally changed who I was forever.
Let me restate that - within the first two hours of the serotonin syndrome onset, marked by severe abdominal pain, a cascade of neurological damage occurred that would result in a life-long alteration in personality, emotion, sexual function, sleep patterns, cognitive abilities, and most importantly - a sense of identity.
You know how there seems to be a part of you that never changes?
How deep inside there is a person that doesn't age, a consciousness that feels static?
The self.
Never before this night had I felt my inner self, the core of my being, so assaulted.
It felt like hypoxia - like I was being SQUEEZED inside my head.
And it was digestive tract that was the culprit.
I ended up having a low-grade fever, swelling in the extremities and neck/face, and major migraine.
Did I mention anxiety?
Think of it as the anti-roll.
As intense and pleasurable as MDMA can be, it can be equally and as powerfully evil.
It just wouldn't stop...
Those three hours felt like an eternity.
It finally came to a rest when I was able to shit.
Just a very small amount too.
My head rang like a tuning fork all night.
I managed to convince myself I would be ok.
The only reason I didn't go to the ER is because my ability to communicate, to speak English, was damaged.
All I could do was pace around my living room wondering what was happening inside me.
The next day I awoke feeling OK, considering a near-death experience the night before.
But to my horror, it was to reoccur that evening.
The cause?
Digestion.
I hadn't eaten all day, so it took that long for my system to start churning again.
But sure enough, the same chain of events happened - only to a lesser extent.
Chest pain, abdominal pain/swelling, confusion, severe anxiety, loss of ability to communicate, migraine, low-grade fever...
It was a notch or two less severe, but since the first night was PURE HELL this was still pretty fuckin' bad.
Again - ringing head for hours.
Oh yeah, I also had major muscle tightness in my back and legs - so tight it hurt BAD.
Day three?
Finally ate something.
BIG MISTAKE.
That night saw a third chain of events just like the first two.
Two notches lower again, but still horrible.
The pain in my stomach taught me something - this was not going to be over any time soon!
On day four I finally sought out an ER doctor.
Instead I got a male nurse who seemed quite annoyed with my very presence.
He insisted that the MDMA couldn't still be in my system since it had been a week since my last dose.
That was besides the point since I wasn't claiming continued intoxication.
Apparently digestive pain is something that sends an ER health care provider into a glazed-eye and absent state-of-mind.
Very telling.
He did say, "Why didn't you come in the first night if you thought you were going to die?"
My answer, "I couldn't form sentences!"
To all the naysayers about seeing doctors, I must say that there is a glaring exception.
I agree that treatment after the fact seems daunting and fraught with complications, but during an ACUTE MDMA reaction (which includes days or up to a week after use) there is a true and valid reason to seek medical attention.
Had I been treated by the right doctor on the first night, a rapid lowering of body temperature would have been used.
This slows down metabolism and directly lowers serotonin toxicity.
IV saline would have been administered, which helps the kidneys remove excess fluid from the bloodstream.
This may have prevented hyponatremia - pressure against the brain which I'm sure I had.
Finally benzos would have been given which can save countless neurons from excito-toxicity of glutamate.
It also prevents excessive muscle tension, tremors, and breakdown of skeletal muscle into myoglobin (which damages kidneys).
Finally, if these measures failed to resolve the severe symptoms (esp. fever) then a serotonin antagonist can be carefully used to shut down the cascade of damaging transmission in the brain.
There are reasons to trust doctors - most ERs would recognize the signs of MDMA toxicity or SS if they are told about recent drug use.
And the supportive measures can save lives and brain cells.
Was I helped on day 4 post SS?
No.
I was given a liver function test only at my insistence.
I really thought my ongoing digestive pain could be caused by impending liver failure - fortunately I was wrong.
Unfortunately, the ER at my very well-regarded county hospital send me away with nothing but a note about attending an AA meeting!
After this I made the decision not to eat anything for several days.
To my amazement, this completely resolved my symptoms.
My headaches, anxiety, tinnitus, all seemed to vanish.
Within 3 days of no food intake I was telling myself I was OK.
It had now been about 10 days since my last MDMA use.
I was starting to get hungry.
To my horror and disbelief I discovered that eating again brought back the gut pain and major anxiety.
There was no escape.
The cascade of events known as Serotonin Syndrome did not reoccur - no chest pain, swelling of the neck/face, exceeding muscle tightness, loss of speech, fever... no that was thankfully a unique experience.
But the type of abdominal pain and mental pain that went hand-in-hand were absolutely life-changing.
And it happened to me EVERY TIME I ATE FOOD.
It would start within 30 minutes and last up to 4 hours!
And each time I was certain that something was VERY wrong with me.
For 30 days I stopped eating food.
Lets just say I survived on liquids.
Liquid oatmeal, ground fish, applesauce, water, herbal teas...
And even these miniscule dietary choices caused me ongoing and severe pain!
I learned to make great protein shakes with frozen berries, bananas, ice, milk, and of course protein powder.
These were the things that kept me alive during this month.
But no matter what I chose to eat, my suffering was guaranteed.
I never had any real signs of mental health problems prior to this.
Ok, maybe mild depression (but who doesn't have that?).
And then there was the propensity to use an enema when I felt discomfort, including the night of the roll...
Ok, that's odd for sure (but not such a big deal, right?).
Lets not forget a DECADE of heavy cannabis use, almost daily, prior to starting MDMA.
Ok, cannabis is associated with mental problems but that is only for those likely to develop them, right?
I went from a 166 lbs to 131 lbs.
In one month.
Every time I ate, no matter the caution I took, I realized that my mind was being hurt.
Worse, it was being damaged in an ongoing way.
I literally said that my "intestines were destroying my soul and raping my brain!"
Once more - "My intestines were destroying my soul and raping my brain!"
I meant this with every fiber of my being.
I chose the term rape because I felt like a helpless victim - unable to influence the hours of suffering I was destined to endure.
The emotional torture was unreal - I had NO idea that a person could suffer this much.
I actually sought another doctor during the first two weeks, at a different ER (private hospital).
Once again, mentioning digestion and anxiety caused a complete loss of diagnostic interest in my health care provider.
They sent me home with ulcer medication.
What a betrayal this was.
Why would they not help me?
I gave up on doctors.
At least those doctors.
I decided that I could figure this out for myself.
That first month of starvation I spent HOURS researching digestive diseases every day.
I was convinced I just had a damaged large intestine, maybe diverticulitis or IBS...
I opened pandora's box.
What I discovered answered my question about why the doctors were so unhelpful.
You see, my BL audience, the intestines are unlike ANY other organ in the body.
They are really a series of organs - gifted with a greater blood supply than you can imagine.
It is surrounded by a sea of capillaries and contains about 100,000,000 neurons!
The spinal cord has 10 times this number, and the brain has 1000 times more.
Incredible.
The intestines are also known as the 'second brain' because this system functions largely independent of the brain and spinal cord!
Wow.
They are full of bacteria colonies, known as gut flora, that self-reproduce throughout human life.
Most of what lives in the colon is bacertia, and over HALF of the dry weight of feces can be bacteria.
Think about this - you eat food.
Your body breaks down and absorbs a large amount.
Then the living colonies of bacteria that you inherited in the first few years of life proceed to break down the rest and self-replicate.
To the point that what you shit out contains less food waste than bacteria!
These colonies of bacteria have been suggested to function like an organ of the body, playing an important role in immune system function and ....wait for it...mental health.
The internal surface area of the GI is actually the LARGEST area of the body that is exposed to the external world.
In many places, the intestines are but one cell wall thick - and the immune system is responsible for keeping out pathogens.
If all the villi were stretched out to a flat surface, the intestines would cover a football field!
Inside you is a VAST series of organs that have evolved long before the brain.
And it is here where most of your serotonin lives - 80-90% in the intestines.
When we take MDMA, or any psychedelic drug, we are playing with the gut-brain circuitry.
So, during my search for digestive explanations for my suffering I encountered the wonder of the 'second brain'.
I learned that gastroenterologists are amazed by the system, and many illnesses are a mystery to doctors.
From auto-immune disorders, to diabetes, high blood pressure, allergies/asthma....cancer....the list of diseases that involve the GI are exhausting.
A list of digestive illnesses that involve SERIOUS mental/psychological suffering:
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Chron's Disease
Diverticulitis
Gerd
Ulcers
Acute reactions to anti-biotics like Cipro
IBS in particular seems to defy explanation.
Patients over burden the healthcare system, demanding help from helpless doctors.
Often only palliative care is possible, while doctors have consulted with one another about the causes of the emotional suffering.
A list of mental illnesses that involve digestive complaints:
Schizophrenia
Severe Depression
Anorexia/Bulemia
Bi-Polar Disorder
Schizophrenics often complain about their 'intestines rotting' inside them.
Anorexics are extremely and deeply troubled by the feeling of digestion - and they require the
highest doses of SSRIs to have any effect.
I used to post more complete examples, but my memory stops here.
The overlap between digestion and mental health is astounding.
If you have major mental problems, your gut is going to bother you.
If you have major gut problems, your mental health is in danger.
Too many doctors label these patients as hypochondriacs, especially if they are ER staff.
It is difficult for anyone to say the simple words, "I don't know."
And where smart people are found, bigger softer egos are found as well.
No worries, there are still very bright and humble minds in the field working on the mystery.
But they are sifting through sand on a beach.
The connection between the brain and the second brain is a vast and complex relationship.
One simple thing we learned decades ago....
Serotonin, which predominates the smooth muscle contractions in the GI, has very VERY important functions in the brain.
It regulates sleep, sexual arousal, body temperature, immune activation, and happiness.
That's right - serotonin properly functioning in the mind gives us joy. Peace. Contentment.
The feeling of satisfaction after a task is derived from the effects of serotonin.
The powerful surge of pleasure during orgasm and the subsequent fulfillment is derived from serotonin.
The highest region of the brain, the Prefrontal Cortex, reacts powerfully to increases in serotonin.
Upon this truth, a multi-billion dollar industry has been built.
SSRIs.
When the 'serum' that 'tones' the smooth muscle of the intestines is targeted into the highest center of the brain, the feeling of love, joy, happiness, peace, contentment, euphoria, empathy....these all come to life.
The pituitary gland, protected at the center of the brain, releases tons of hormones into the bloodstream.
Prolactin signals the peak of MDMA and is considered a primary marker of healthy serotonin transmission into the PFC.
Former users of MDMA and SSRIs have been found to exhibit elevated prolactin levels for many months.
This is not common, and it is NOT associated with the above-mentioned positive emotions.
Hyperprolactinemia is caused by inappropriate stimulation of the 5HT-1a autoreceptor.
While prolactin is a marker of successful anti-depressant treatment, it is also a marker of damaged serotonin transmission once the medication is withdrawn.
Why would prolactin release even happen after the roll is over? or after the meds are stopped?
What is causing stimulation of the 1a receptor?
My answer is simple, the PFC axons have been disconnected or damaged.
Serotonin is no longer making it all the way up the chain of nerves that connects your intestines and your mind.
Yet the serotonin activity, caused by ongoing digestion, DOES NOT STOP.
So where does this serotonin go in the brain, if not to its proper place?
This is where the 'rape' happens.
Serotonin, despite its reputation for being the neurotransmitter of love and happiness, is actually a big bully.
In a neuronal sense, it is anything but nice.
The great inhibitor.
It literally shuts off nearby cell activity.
Dopamine transmission in the frontal lobes is particularly vulnerable to the inhibiting effects of serotonin - in three of the four major dopamine pathways it blocks the activity of nearby dopamine neurons. The only pathway where this does not happen is the meso-limbic - the one that is uniquely benefited by taking MDMA and SSRIs.
It is the meso-limbic dopamine response that makes ALL drugs rewarding.
When you take a powerful Serotonin Releasing Agent like MDMA you are interferring with dopamine transmission in a powerful wide-spread manner.
The only part of the dopamine network that is able to handle this is the core reward pathway.
Your brain REVOLTS against MDMA's serotonin flood by releasing a powerful wave of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Cortisol increases the metabolism of serotonin to break it down more quickly.
Once your cortisol levels start to drop, your prolactin levels spike!
The brain fights against MDMA until the scales are tipped the other direction.
Serotonin has reached the PFC, its distant target.
Dopamine transmission around the frontal lobes starts to come back on line.
And the surge of dopamine down the meso-limbic pathway is unlike ANY OTHER DRUG EXPERIENCE.
Prolactin and dopamine simultaneously flood the brain, a unique combination that is never meant to occur for more than a few moments at a time.
Like orgasm. Or childbirth.
With MDMA, this miraculous combination lasts for 2+ hours.
It is the hallmark of effective 'rolling'.
Serotonin release, cortisol release, dopamine/prolactin release.
This cascade of events is neurotoxic.
Plenty of medical evidence exists to support this claim.
No number of anecdotes from BL members can effectively dispute this.
Dopamine metabolizes into hydroxy-dopamine and finds its way into depleted serotonin transporters.
Dopamine itself is suspected as being neurotoxic to the brain, but it is certainly toxic to SERTs and 5ht receptors.
Lipid peroxidation follows.
The intestines can indeed rape and destroy the mind.
The soul, if such a thing exists, is defined as the connection between the body and the mind. Right?
This is what the intestines are - the connection between the physical body and the vast universe of electrical activity in the brain.
This is why psychedelic drugs of so many different kinds are described as 'spiritual' journeys.
Serotonin = soul
When serotonin isn't transmitted properly, its wreaks havoc upon brain function.
High levels of prolactin cause long-term down regulation of meso-limbic dopmaine receptors. (loss of libido, anhedonia, severe depression, anorgasmia)
Cortical dopamine function is compromised across the frontal lobes. Some dopamine neurons fire rapidly, having lost their life-long serotonin inhibition, others are suppressed inappropriately by the newly emerging serotonin axons that sprout forth from the resilient cell body and the ever-churning system of smooth muscle in the intestines.
Capillary beds mediated by serotonin are constricted or dilated in response to the hyperinnervaton or denervation of serotonin.
Brain zaps, and rarely strokes occur in both current and abstinent users.
This includes SSRIs.
The OP originally asked about digestion.
The answer is far more complicated, I'm afraid.
It took me 30 days of utter starvation, wasting away, before I could eat solid food again.
I found this to be present in many BL anecdotes as well as Erowids - swollen abdominal glands, fever, cold-sweats, and utter loss of appetite.
Everyone knows that MDMA fucks yours stomach up the next day.
Not everyone knows that this can persist for months.
What allowed me to finally eat solid food was not recovery.
No.
I figured out the problem wasn't diverticulitis or IBS.
After weeks of searching I finally learned enough about the GI and serotonin to figure out it was indeed brain damage.
Serotonin Syndrome = brain damage (when severe)
Once I finally understood the nature of my problem, once it sunk in - the truth that no doctor could tell me - I reached out to Bluelight and began my journey into MDMA research.
And I quickly found the miracle cure - Piracetam.
Thanks to BL I ordered this stuff and tried it.
Like a light switch, my stomach came back to life!
My skin felt warm and alive for the first time in a month.
My saliva flowed and a sense of self returned.
I was elated.
This all happened within an HOUR of taking a
micro-dose.
That very day I began eating food.
The next day, and the next....
And no suffering!
Suddenly I could digest.
I went from suffering severe anxiety, Dp/Dr, HPPD, anhedonia, and complete digestive failure to being alive again.
Piracetam alters MAO in key regions of the brain, causing a decrease in hypothalamic serotonin and an increase in PFC serotonin.
This is what makes it the cure for 'loss of magic'.
I finally gained some weight back, although heavy meals still gave me trouble.
And I found that the miracle was in the transformation.
Once the effects had set in, I was static.
Improved, but static.
Each day I felt pretty normal.
When I tapered off my micro-doses of Piracetam, hell returned.
An empty gray lifeless reality was staring me in the face each time.
It was obvious to me that Piracetam was no cure, only a strong coping mechanism.
The damage to the serotonin tree had been done, and no MAO modifying drug would substitute for the slow and agonizing re-wiring of my brain.
The nerves had to be allowed to re-grow on their own, no matter the brain zaps, sexual dysfunction, compulsive researching, lack of sleep....
It just had to happen.
So at month 6, after 5 months of Off/On use of Piracetam - I made the bold decision to stop taking it.
I started a new job and made a leap.
I think I had a stroke that week.
I was able to continue eating food, although fast-food or large meals were NOT without risk.
The depression that returned was so severe that I only tolerated it for three months.
Another month on, and I was off it again.
Smoking weed during month 6 made my right arm go all pins and needles.
Another stroke, or TIA at least...
At month 8 eating too much garlic and laying down caused a definite stroke, again the right arm completely numb pins/needles.
Never lost motor control, and normal feeling returned within minutes.
Lucky me.
By month 11 I knew I had escaped the supplement.
I could face what was ahead.
I had been through two or three strokes and survived.
I had been through a year of indescribable depression and anxiety and survived.
Finally the veil was lifting and I could feel it.
I could eat just about whatever I wanted.
It took me a whole year to be sure, but the worst was the first 6 months.
My brain had to literally rewire its serotonin network in order for my intestines to feel normal again.
It wasn't over yet, but at one year there was a BIG change.
Depression and anxiety, as well as Dp/Dr and HPPD all seemed resolved to a point - sufficiently that I could live like that the rest of my life.
I thought I had made it through.
Unfortunately the mental fog began really setting in around month 13-14.
I couldn't read and write like I used to.
The keyboard was no longer my slave, and text on a screen was my enemy!
How cruel, that my obsession had turned into an impossible task.
The sharpness of my wit was truly eroding.
In a long-term way.
It took at least six months before I felt myself reach bottom cognitively.
It was a slow and painful decent.
I still struggle now.
It has been 2.5 years since my serotonin syndrome.
Concentration and attention to details is more difficult than it was before.
Short-term memory is certainly a problem.
Vision still isn't perfect, but it doesn't bother me.
Libido fluctuates back and forth, but it doesn't bother me either. (i think)
Digestion...
My GI still struggles with certain foods.
No longer do I really have any depression or anxiety.
What I do have is stroke symptoms, or TIAs.
Right arm still goes tingly sometimes, or feels heavy and cold.
My head gets dizzy and I become confused, agitated, anxious.
Cold sweats and hot-flashes - like someone poured hot water all over my chest and arms!
Fluttering in both sides of my chest, sensations across my scalp, head-pressure....
These were all things that had gone away.
Now they are re-occurring in the last 8 weeks.
What set it off?
Research.
And anger.
And a bad chiropractor fucking up my neck.
Yeah, I feel like I've almost died many times these last two months.
I'm seeing a doctor that doesn't think I'm having strokes, but wants me to be cautious.
And a neurologist who is ordering an MRI to see...
Maybe I'm not having strokes after all.
But something powerful is happening inside me.
It is very uncomfortable and frightening.
But I get the sense that this is a final step in the process.
The brain is a powerful organ that can re-wire itself.
That is the best message I can leave my readers and the OP.
If I can go from complete digestive failure and anorexia, to eating whatever I want....then so can you.
And I don't believe many MDMA users reach my level of toxicity.
I do not think you are in for a 2.5 year roller coaster ride through hell.
Some of you are.
MDMA is neurotoxic.
Repeated doses are far more toxic than single ones.
Heavy prior cannabis use is associated with greater psychopathology among users.
Digestion complaints are very common among MDMA users reporting other problems.
Nothing has changed me more than anger.
Outbursts and yelling has driven forward my progress, for better or worse.
Early on, anger caused me to feel forever changed.
Nothing has healed me more than exercise.
Even now after so much has changed, I still benefit emotionally from a good work out - esp. days in a row.
BDNF is worth reading about.
Healthy diet is important, but exercise trumps all.
Sleep is
critical.
No matter what, you will eat food again.
The only thing that will stop your intestines from recovering is death.
But the process of fixing your intestines lies in the rewiring of your serotonin nerve tree.
The ascending axons must grow forth, collapse, and grow forth again.
It is endless...many like me report years until full cognitive recovery.
Much of my current wisdom comes from a time of great suffering, madness, and brilliance.
I could not possibly figure all this out now.
I am but a shadow of my former self intellectually.
But I may not stay that way.
Just as with libido and appetite, sometimes my mind surges forth.
Like tonight.
It has been a long time since I've written this much.
I'm pleased to be simply capable.
Humpty dumpty may indeed re-assemble himself.
Patience.
I dedicate this post to my late friend Tyller Pittman.
I didn't even know you were gone until a few days ago.
We spoke many times on the phone and endlessly through BL.
I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, Somedud.
Thinking of you has given me strength this week.
http://www.cauls.ca/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1867223&fh_id=14293
FBC
