SunSpot
Bluelighter
Hi all,
It's five in the morning here (Saturday thank heavens) and i've had another sleepless night. It's been 13 days since I felt 'done' with opiates and drugs in general and quit my pound-a-day seed habit. To some of you that may not sound like much, but these stupid seeds were potent, and I had been using daily for 2 years. 70g were enough to get me nodding at first. Now, with hindsight I realize how much precious time and opportunities I wasted by turning myself into a zombie. WD started 24h - 36h after my CT stop (I was very constipated despite taking handfuls of laxatives every day, so slow drug metabolism), then very gradually intensified to 104 fever, endless chills, whole body twitching, the gastro issues etc. Didn't sleep from tuesday (day 3) to saturday, when I surrendered a bit and took an ounce of kratom.
There is so much to do in life and going cold turkey off the opiods, despite the agnozing withdrawal, has already been worth it. My sense of smell returned, which I hadn't noticed I'd nearly lost, as did my libido, which had been shut down completely. I've also lost 15lbs but gained a bit of muscle mass already (I think. During use I worked out hard every other day but made no increase in strength). I could do without the rivers of sweat from my armpits or the insomnia however
But the length of this withdrawal is just very hard. This is my first time having a WD from anything, I've just never felt like quitting into sobriety before. Or were afraid of it. My life sure had chemical ups and downs; there were sometimes opportunities to harvest fresh poppy plants, times of which I have little memory now, except nearly ODing once after eating two dozen green pods direct from the plants. I realized I had eaten too much, pumped my own stomach then drank a jar of instant coffee slurry. I still passed out in utter terror in the kitchen, too confused to use the phone, but obviously here I am. That episode was actually 5-6 years ago, and I switched seamlessly to drinking for a few years. But the weight gain from 2 bottles wine / day made me very unhappy so I rationalized that potent seed tea was 'healthier'.
During the last two years my wife has never commented on my new habit, though she does silently appreciate me not drinking anymore. But I'm just so disgusted with the whole 'using' thing. What's really troubling me now is that I just succumbed again and took some kratom to take the edge from the pounding headache that has developed the last few days (Ibuprofen doesn't help against it much). If I don't take kratom every 4 hours chills and fever return, and of course I'm so tired all I can do is lay in bed (I work from home and have given myself a 'medical leave of absence')
I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar, as I can speak to no one about my use. Family and friends first diagnosed me with the flu, then West Nile Virus, they have no clue. I'm afraid that my looong withdrawal might mean I'll get PAWS, which would be a whole 'nother monster to face. But at least the mental effects (anxiety, depression) have been pretty mild so far. Perhaps because for the last few months I've just been using 'maintenance' doses?
Anyways I'm glad to be here and hopefully I can help someone else too. For now, writing this has already helped to take my mind of the headaches and nausea. Ughh, when will this end???????
It's five in the morning here (Saturday thank heavens) and i've had another sleepless night. It's been 13 days since I felt 'done' with opiates and drugs in general and quit my pound-a-day seed habit. To some of you that may not sound like much, but these stupid seeds were potent, and I had been using daily for 2 years. 70g were enough to get me nodding at first. Now, with hindsight I realize how much precious time and opportunities I wasted by turning myself into a zombie. WD started 24h - 36h after my CT stop (I was very constipated despite taking handfuls of laxatives every day, so slow drug metabolism), then very gradually intensified to 104 fever, endless chills, whole body twitching, the gastro issues etc. Didn't sleep from tuesday (day 3) to saturday, when I surrendered a bit and took an ounce of kratom.
There is so much to do in life and going cold turkey off the opiods, despite the agnozing withdrawal, has already been worth it. My sense of smell returned, which I hadn't noticed I'd nearly lost, as did my libido, which had been shut down completely. I've also lost 15lbs but gained a bit of muscle mass already (I think. During use I worked out hard every other day but made no increase in strength). I could do without the rivers of sweat from my armpits or the insomnia however
But the length of this withdrawal is just very hard. This is my first time having a WD from anything, I've just never felt like quitting into sobriety before. Or were afraid of it. My life sure had chemical ups and downs; there were sometimes opportunities to harvest fresh poppy plants, times of which I have little memory now, except nearly ODing once after eating two dozen green pods direct from the plants. I realized I had eaten too much, pumped my own stomach then drank a jar of instant coffee slurry. I still passed out in utter terror in the kitchen, too confused to use the phone, but obviously here I am. That episode was actually 5-6 years ago, and I switched seamlessly to drinking for a few years. But the weight gain from 2 bottles wine / day made me very unhappy so I rationalized that potent seed tea was 'healthier'.
During the last two years my wife has never commented on my new habit, though she does silently appreciate me not drinking anymore. But I'm just so disgusted with the whole 'using' thing. What's really troubling me now is that I just succumbed again and took some kratom to take the edge from the pounding headache that has developed the last few days (Ibuprofen doesn't help against it much). If I don't take kratom every 4 hours chills and fever return, and of course I'm so tired all I can do is lay in bed (I work from home and have given myself a 'medical leave of absence')
I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar, as I can speak to no one about my use. Family and friends first diagnosed me with the flu, then West Nile Virus, they have no clue. I'm afraid that my looong withdrawal might mean I'll get PAWS, which would be a whole 'nother monster to face. But at least the mental effects (anxiety, depression) have been pretty mild so far. Perhaps because for the last few months I've just been using 'maintenance' doses?
Anyways I'm glad to be here and hopefully I can help someone else too. For now, writing this has already helped to take my mind of the headaches and nausea. Ughh, when will this end???????
