I signed up and registered just for this post alone. I have been taking diphenhydramine daily for about 2 years now. I actually started with sleep aids then discovered that diphenhydramine was the active ingredient and switched to benedryl because it was much cheaper. When I started I would take a does of about 5 and would descend into a very nearly drunken state which I valued to avoid reality. I've been told that I have some intelligence, but I have always been quite eccentric.
I have a hard time understanding society, and the commonly held beliefs and misconceptions. I don't really fit in and I always feel like the odd man out, and while I understand that being normal is a perception and is subjective the way the world works is insane. So I thought the best option would be to escape.
When I would dose I would become almost incapable of holding a coherent thought. Soon after I began to shake once the onset hit me, if was to do anything that required me to use any type of force or strength, what ever I was using would shake uncontrollably. Some tree limbs fell on top of my home and the ladder vibrated and clanged like someone was holding it and shaking as hard as they could. I also had heart palpitations it, it would beat thunderously in my chest and the sound alone was scary. It was like I could almost see my chest jump every time it beat. I was ok with all that because as soon as it all would slow down I could make my way off to sleeply land and avoid reality a little while longer. I found bigger bottle of benedryl that contained 365 25 mg pills that were quite cheap, and of course with time time my tolerance increased. I began taking 10 pills would wait until onset and most of the time take about 5 more, but I got to the point where I would get super high/drunk but wouldn't be able to go to sleep. So i'd take some more trying to escape to dream land.
When I would take the benedryl I would lose the ability for detail. Mostly having to do with short term memory assimilation, and partially muscle control and coordination. I couldn't talk because I would get stuck on trying to find a word to fit what I would be talking about, knowing I knew a word and its definition well, but being unable to match the name with the face. I would go somewhere with the intention of doing something specific and once I got there would almost completely forget why I went there in the first place. I read that it really hurt the short term memory, and I know for a fact that it's probably one of the worst side effects. Especially if the person is someone who enjoys learning of any kind. Ironically enough I happen to be that kind of person.
I began to have interest in organic growing/farming, and began to heavily study it, and decided I want to try my hand at it. I will inherit 20 acres to do what ever I please on. I also began to study energy healing, researching scientific research articles and anything else I could find about both the farming and the healing. I've reached the point of either drifting away and letting it all go or giving up the drug and trying maybe live and learn some more. It's gonna be hard, but I want to help myself and some people I love, some people who has believed in me despite my cowardice and short comings, people who think I can do great things if I stop trying to hide from the world. I know its going to be difficult because I've been on this road for a little while, but more than I want to hide from reality now I want to prove that what those who have cared and been trying to pull me up from the bottom believe of me can be reality. I'm not sure where it came from, but I've been thinking of a quote that has profound meaning for anyone who thinks nothing is worthwhile or that it can never get better. Is that along as your heart is beating and you're still breathing, the possibility of greatness is always present even if you're dead but your heart hasn't stopped beating and you haven't stopped breathing.
Update- 2 weeks diphenhydramine free. There first week was hell, but I did it without using other substances to help. Since then I can actually sleep for more than a hour with meditation and exercise. Ihope to be able to sleep all night eventually. I can still feel the pull a little bit but hope after a month or two it'll be gone. I'm lucky it was with benedryl because if it had been a harder drug I don't know if I could have stopped.
Much respect to those who have had bigger nastier monsters to slay! The worlds nasty sense of irony that its hard to escape an attempt to escape.