Long rant

i need to vent.


i don't have any "real" friends anymore so this is the best I got at the moment. so I recently moved thousands of miles away from home, friends, family, my boyfriend, and everything I knew to take this job (which I absolutely love) and start a new life. well i don't regret that one bit. so i mean, i'm definitely grateful for a lot of things in life right now, but its just hard to stay focused on that at the moment because shit's really emotionally fucked. being an at times overly emotional person, that can really wreck shit for me despite everything else in my life going decently *knocks on wood*

sooo... i broke up with my boyfriend of 1 and a half years today. it was something i've been trying to do for months. when i moved out here it was kind of a chance for me to start over and find out what i really wanted. he was a very good friend to me and i no doubt love him, but i just had that gut feeling we weren't soul mates. it just wasn't fair to either of us to keep the relationship going at this point. so today i finally pulled the plug on it, for real. it feels weird that i didn't even shed a tear. my soul feels extremely empty inside, but i'm not crying or even really that sad at all. i guess i know that he has a good life ahead of him and i don't feel like me breaking up with him is going to change his life all that much since we live thousands of miles away from each other now. the plan was for him to move out here once he found a job, but it wasn't looking likely and i didn't feel right in my heart allowing it to all go through knowing that the tension and incompatibilities between us would eventually grow into resentment, that neither of us deserve. i wish we would have just been friends from the start, but you can't change the past. things happen for a reason. plus i feel like no one will ever compare to my 'soul mate' who was my partner for about 4 or more years and some after we broke up, we were literally best friends on a cellular level, deeper than anyone i've ever experienced in my entire life, and probably will never experience again.... so my heart is like, still not even healed from that even though we've been split for about two years and life kind of ripped us in two different directions. ugh.

also i'm completely emotionally ruined by ssri's. they saved my life, without a doubt, but now i'm on such a high dose that i literally can't function. im in the process of trying to taper down but the rebound anxiety i got from tapering was getting really bad, numbness/tingling, extreme anxiety and confusion, and dizziness. so my doctor put me on another ssri and a higher dose to get me used to that before I continue tapering down. It's just a fucking mess. I feel so.... not human. I don't feel like I'm inside my own mind. I feel like I'm floating around, unable to function. It sucks. My muscles are constantly tensing themselves up and I'm uncomfortable in my body. I've put on weight from the meds which also makes me feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want my body back, I want my mind back. What the fuck is even wrong with me.

Something I haven't told many people, and I guess I feel safe writing here is that I suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. The shitty thing is that even with a high dose of ssri's I still have a lot of symptoms. It took away my depression that was associated with it, but I still have intense ocd. It only gets worse now that I live alone, don't really have any friends here, and now broke up with my boyfriend. I'm really worried its going to get completely out of control again and then I'll just be stuck in my lonely little bubble of anxiety with no escape.

Which brings me to my next frustration. Making friends in a new city where I don't know anybody. Now I consider myself an extremely down to earth and friendly person, and back where I moved from I had friends of all levels. I'm an incredibly loyal and loving friend when i feel like the other person is genuine about the friendship too. But it seems like anyone I interact with here, its the same story. I open up to them, ask them questions about themselves, just be a genuine person to them, and then sometimes I'll even get a phone number, but then..... that's where it always ends. I'll get ignored, brushed off, stood up, etc. I don't get it. I don't think i'm a socially awkward person? I am aware of the fine line between making new friends and being annoying to people, of which I probably err on the side of holding back too much. I know I am extremely sensitive to people's opinions of me. But this whole being alone thing is really weighing heavy on my heart and my self esteem. Combine that with the shitty ssri situation, ocd starting to get out of control again, the breakup..... Ugh. I'm just so irritated 24/7. There's no better word to explain how I feel lately than extremely fucking irritated. I know a big part of it is the drugs. Doing recreational substances only makes it worse. I've had to completely give up on alcohol lately because every time I've gotten drunk on the ssri's I end up doing retarded shit like crying hysterically, considering suicide, and getting into fights with people on the phone. Marijuana seems to be okay, sometimes, but that can also increase my anxiety if I'm not in chill surroundings. Caffeine's about the only thing I can even handle right now. Ecstasy is out of the question with the ssri's, but I wish I could roll, I literally crave it every day. Psychadelics at this point would prob give me a panic attack because I alreaady feel so disoriented from myself, that would only make it worse. Benzos work for when I'm having a realllllly bad day, but also leave me feeling extremely depressed! WTF!

So basically, I need change. I need something to fucking change! I mean i like my job, I'm happy with my living situation, I just want to be HAPPY. lol. Money and things don't create happiness. I already knew that. I guess I just want to find the inner peace within myself that I once knew and has been lost again...... I most of all just want a TRUE FUCKIN HOMIE. God I have had probably two actual soul mates in this world, neither of which are in my life anymore. I miss having that one person that I connect with on a deeper level and that actually GETS ME. I would be happy with even someone who understands my jokes and will just talk to me. Go get coffee, dinner, take a walk, ANYTHING!!! I have so much to offer people, I just don't get why it feels like literally no one wants to be around me or be my friend. Shit's really starting to take a toll.



Deep breaths........

 

That's an awful lot to have happening at once--I can see why you would feel emotionally overwhelmed and then some! I think the natural loneliness you feel from being in a new place is temporary and maybe it would help to consciously remind yourself of that when you start looking at it as anything bigger than just the situation. What about taking a different approach than just chance when it comes to possible friendships--like taking a class or joining some kind of group that you are interested in. I find that people feel overwhelmed in their lives (seems to be rampant these days) and, unless they are new or needing friends, don't easily consider doing things with new people. So don't take it personally or let it go to your head that it is anything wrong with you. That's where a class that meets for a period of time can be really good IME.

Anyway, good luck! It's great that you have a job you love and you are doing a good job of handling things considering that you have all that going on at once.

 

thanks for the comment dude. i have joined a few meetup groups and gone to some of their events... It's been okay, but still hard to really connect with people individually. I often get that vibe from people that's like "dude i'm trying to do my thing here, leave me alone" when I reach out to strangers and just make small talk to get a convo started. I met some people at the bar, and went to a party with them, and things seemed to be going well. I got a few phone numbers out of it but when I tried to make plans with the people a few days later, they responded abruptly and then ignored me. I know what you mean about people not really looking for new friends if they're not new to the area.... and I try to keep that in mind. But lately it just seems like every person I make plans with, whether it be a coworker, neighbor, some random person I met, etc.... they end up blowing me off! Most of the time I end up just doing shit on my own cuz I hate sitting at home doing nothing. It's just getting really frustrating. And now I literally have no one to talk to since I broke up with my boyfriend. I've really fucked myself over here lol. It's okay, I know it takes time it's just really irritating and lonely right now is all.

 

Keep at it. You're doing the right things, but you just haven't found the right people. Some people close themselves off once they have a good group going, but many others are always looking to meet new people. It just takes time, and continued gentle effort.

Considering all that has happened recently, you're showing a huge amount of inner strength, so I've no doubt that you'll be able to rise to this challenge.

 

Ugh! It's a pet peeve of mine really--how insular people can be in the presence of someone new. I've lived in the same neighborhood for twenty years and every time someone new moves in I make sure that not only do I go over and introduce myself but I try to find ways to hook up the new person/family with the other neighbors. It's amazing to me that what was common in my parents generation has become inconceivable to many people.

The only other thing I thought of to tell you was something that helped me eons ago in a very lonely time for me. I moved into a small cottage after having shared housing all through college. I was so excited to have my own place for the first time in my life but my two good friends had graduated and moved out of the area and at the same time my current partner broke up with me. The loneliness was excruciating and it was hard for me to come to terms with because, like you, I always thought of myself as someone that made friends easily. What I ended up doing was making friends with my 82 year old landlady! I was 19. Before that friendship I never even considered old people as friend material. It ended up being a great relationship that was like a bridge to the time that I finally started making a new circle of friends my age. I ended up being very close to my older friend for ten years until she died. So, I guess what I am saying is--think outside the box--you never know where it will lead you.

The other plus to that relationship was that I got to see what someone older did with loneliness and I learned a lot from her. She really lived in the present and seeing the peace that brought her made me want some of that. I think learning how to sit through your own discomfort in being alone (and seeing how it always passes) is a great life-skill.

Anyway, I hope things start shifting soon.

 

wow, thanks for the advice guys. that really meant a lot to me. it made me feel a LOT better.