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Long distance situation, catching feelings

Flow

Flow

Bluelighter
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
51
Location
USA
So, I used to see this guy last year from about April to mid-September. The only reason we stopped seeing each other is because I moved from the US to the UK in mid-September. We regularly chatted and called each right after I moved, but a few months later he revealed to me that he started dating someone exclusively.

Fast forward to late December when I came back to the US for the holidays. I mentioned some show I planned on attending and he surprised me by making an apperance (dude lives an hour and a half away). We picked up right where we left off, and well, he ended up coming back to my place. We hooked up twice after that (once spending 3 nights and days with each other). Right before I left for the UK again he said, "I'm willing to do this all over again when you come back in the summer".

I still have strong feelings for this guy but I know they won't be fulfilled because he already has a girlfriend. I do not want to be the side chick, because I don't think he deserves to have his cake and eat it too. I don't want to settle for being the booty call, and his girlfriend definitely doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Yeah call me a bad person and a piece of shit for helping him cheat, whatever. Shit happens.

It sucks because I don't want to throw away our friendship but I don't feel like I can be "just friends" with him. And if we saw each other in the summer I know we wouldn't be able to keep things platonic. So, I told him that we should stop talking all together and not meet up this summer (as long as he's taken) and he said "I put some thought into it and I really don't want to stop talking to you. We get along so well and have so much fun together, I don't want to trade that for anything". I said I would think about it but that's it. Should I try to remain friends with him despite my feelings? Or would it be easier to just go with the no contact route?
 
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It's interesting that I even want to respond to this at all, being a guy who as of two weeks ago is on the receiving end of the "no contact route".

There was nobody else involved in my relationship, just me and the girl. She moved away, close enough to see her every weekend but still too difficult for her and because of the fact that she still loves me even though she ended it, she has decided not to talk to me for the time being, I'm assuming (hoping) she is just doing this until it's no longer too painful to speak with me, but not sure because well, she won't speak with me anymore hence won't tell me exactly whats going on.

Anyway, As the guy this is happening too right now - First I want to say it's definitely really painful. But honestly, I truly love the girl and I want whatever is best for HER. That means not being selfish and trying to force her to endure pain that's making it difficult for her to live her life. That would be selfish love, which is basically maliciously playing god with someones emotions. (sort of dramatic, but think about it...)

In you're situation, it's even worse. Not only does this guy have a girlfriend he sees regularly, he is trying to keep you too. That right there would be reason enough for anyone seeing this from an objective, outside point of view. I understand you still have strong feelings for the guy - and just as I know it was really difficult for my girlfriend to do to me, I know it will be really difficult for you to do this to him. But when it comes down to it, you need to do whatever it takes to protect your own sanity and emotional stability. Even though I still feel pain about my situation, part of me is actually proud of my ex for doing something I know i wouldn't have been able to do - the fact that she is putting her own life and sanity first. (more important for her and I because we are alcoholics/addicts in recovery, but still true for everyone).

anyway, again, I can't believe I'm saying this - but do whatever you need to do to protect yourself emotionally. and ask yourself, will you really be able to talk to this guy on a regular basis and pretend everything is ok, knowing that everything isn't ok and that you wish you could see him when you can't, knowing he's with another woman, without getting upset and emotionally unstable? Maybe you can - I'm simply saying you should ask yourself and really look deep down for the answer.

Just my two cents. Best of luck with your decision!
 
Flow said:
I still have strong feelings for this guy but I know they won't be fulfilled because he already has a girlfriend. I do not want to be the side chick, because I don't think he deserves to have his cake and eat it to. I don't want to settle for being the booty call, and his girlfriend definitely doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
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I think you have already answered your own question. As long as your willing to be the booty call this guy will use you as one. He told you that he was seeing somebody exclusively, few months later he was in your bed (should make you question how exclusively he was with you). This will simply continue as long as you let it, if your into a casual hook up with guys already in a relationship and you can remove the emotional attachment to him then use him as a booty call when the need arises. If however you are looking for something long term with a guy who loves you (and only you) who is able to offer you emotional as well as physical fulfilment then stop contacting this guy and move on.

b
 
^ Spot on.

No matter what, if you want to continue seeing this guy, you will be the 'other woman'. You already are his 'girl on the side' to use whenever you're in town.

You know your feelings won't be reciprocated, and you can't just be friends anymore. That only leaves you with one option.
 
Thank you all for the feedback. I figured I would get confirmation of what I was already thinking, but sometimes it's so hard to move on. We were never exclusive in the first place because I knew I was moving when I first started seeing him. I didn't want to hold either of us back from finding happiness because of my situation.

It's also difficult because I do want a relationship (not necessarily with this guy), but no matter what it will be long distance because I'm in England basically half the year and the US the other half.

I guess I will just continue to be single. I don't think I can do the long distance thing... :(
 
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long distance relationships take a lot of work, and I think that this situation was more fantasy than reality - I mean you weren't even his girlfriend. just his side hook-up

not judging you on that part at all, but I'm sure you are a better lady than to just be some dodgy dude's fuck-on-the-side

you would be making all the sacrifice in this LTR, while all he has to do is show up for the couple weeks you're in town and bang you. you would be giving up so much more for this relationship to work!
 
Flow said:
he said "I put some thought into it and I really don't want to stop talking to you. We get along so well and have so much fun together, I don't want to trade that for anything".
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He seems to be trading that in for a relationship with this other girl.... unless he changes his mind, you're still going to be that "other girl".

It definitely appears like he wants to get the best of both worlds which is basically two girlfriends, or a girlfriend and a "friends with benefit". Not cool at all.
 
I could probably write a book on LDRs but OP he sounds too flippant about cheating on his girlfriend and keeping you on the side. No I love yous or anything just "hey baby let me know when you want a repeat." Kinda sounds like a red flag for catching feelings.
 
I have no plans to date this guy long distance. I wouldn't want to date him anyway - if he's willing to cheat on his girlfriend then no doubt he'd be willing to cheat on me. I'm just more upset that I caught feelings and have determined I can't be "just friends" with this individual anymore :/ At least not for now. Maybe if enough time passes and I distance myself emotionally we'll be able to be friends again.
 
Flow said:
I have no plans to date this guy long distance. I wouldn't want to date him anyway - if he's willing to cheat on his girlfriend then no doubt he'd be willing to cheat on me. I'm just more upset that I caught feelings and have determined I can't be "just friends" with this individual anymore :/ At least not for now. Maybe if enough time passes and I distance myself emotionally we'll be able to be friends again.
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Hugs, chica. I know exactly how you feel. Yes on distancing yourself and then friends.

Definitely consider yourself lucky that you just started feelings! Good he showed his true colors now before it went too far.
 
he still wants to have you on the side in the future. of course he doesn't want to let that go8)

but is it doing you heart mind etc any good?

doubt it.

you're in the UK make the most of it!

meet some men who see you as more than a seasonal fuck on the side...
 
I re-confirmed with him a week ago that we should stop talking and proceeded to delete him on facebook. He's tried to get in touch a time or two but I've completely ignored him. Do you think it's rude of me to do that?
 
Flow said:
I re-confirmed with him a week ago that we should stop talking and proceeded to delete him on facebook. He's tried to get in touch a time or two but I've completely ignored him. Do you think it's rude of me to do that?
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Nope! Unless he's a complete idiot, he'll know why too.

Good on you!
 
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