Long distance relationship

[trevo]

So i've had this LDR for a few years now and we started as LDR, we've visited eachother whenever we can. She has reasently started going out more with friends then she usually did before and i'm finding it hard. She got a new group of friends who are all male that she hangs out with mostly all of them but sometimes just this one of them who she got to know first who then introduced her to the others.
I have allways had social problems and paranoia(nothing confirmed its just what i think). THis is getting hard for me and i would really love some tips. I know i cant ask her to not have male friends or anything, i just need help to deal with being so far away from a gf who is out almost all day with one guy or a group of guys.

One more thing is that we ofcourse have set something that we will never do. Now i reacently learned that my gfs new group of friends wanted to go to a stripclub and take her with them, she told me this as if it was nothing. Going around looking and naked people no matter the situation is something i told her i cant handle eaven if im with her, this happened when she asked if i wanted to go to a stripclub with her. When she told me that she almost went i got a little mad and super paranoid yet i was the one who got 'yelled' at over MSN cus for some reason i can never ever what so ever tell her what to do or not to do. After this all happened i just feel eaven worse when she goes out with that group of friends.

Is it weird i wouldnt let her go to a stripclub with guys? eaven if they are her friends?

/t

 

[Atropa]

I duno man, from my personal experience, long distance relationships are always difficult. Personally I need to be in the presence of the person I'm with on a fairly regular basis. Also, i've had relationships that were not long distance, but most of the communicating was done over text-based mediums like MSN, this is also a recipe for disaster.

If you've managed to last for a few years then that's really cool, but I don't think I could do that personally, that's just me though.

It does sound like you're being paranoid about things which may not be a problem in reality, however this doesn't change that you are going to naturally feel uncomfortable and paranoid about them which isn't really your fault. Do you guys talk on the phone much? I find that's a lot better than things like MSN... although still very limited. You should try and explain your feelings without getting upset, if possible. I know it;s hard though.

And the stripclub thing... I find it a bit strange that a woman would want to go to a stripclub in general, let alone with a group of males, but I suppose it's not that surprising in the sort of patriarchal society we live in today... aside from my personal feelings on that, it's understandable you wouldn't feel comfortable with her going to a place like that, where there is quite clearly going to be some degree of sexual energy in the place regardless of whether she is just with friends or not.

 

[mysticgreen]

Do you know the guys she is hanging out with?

 

[trevo]

I duno man, from my personal experience, long distance relationships are always difficult. Personally I need to be in the presence of the person I'm with on a fairly regular basis. Also, i've had relationships that were not long distance, but most of the communicating was done over text-based mediums like MSN, this is also a recipe for disaster.

If you've managed to last for a few years then that's really cool, but I don't think I could do that personally, that's just me though.

It does sound like you're being paranoid about things which may not be a problem in reality, however this doesn't change that you are going to naturally feel uncomfortable and paranoid about them which isn't really your fault. Do you guys talk on the phone much? I find that's a lot better than things like MSN... although still very limited. You should try and explain your feelings without getting upset, if possible. I know it;s hard though.

And the stripclub thing... I find it a bit strange that a woman would want to go to a stripclub in general, let alone with a group of males, but I suppose it's not that surprising in the sort of patriarchal society we live in today... aside from my personal feelings on that, it's understandable you wouldn't feel comfortable with her going to a place like that, where there is quite clearly going to be some degree of sexual energy in the place regardless of whether she is just with friends or not.

Thank you for your insights. It has been hard for us but we have also worked hard to make it work, reacently we started on working to make it not LDR and i've been so much looking forward to it. These reacent events however have given me sleepless nights and nightmares. I'm not the most social of people and my only wish is to have her closer to me.
We dont talk on the phone as we live in different countries. We skype sometimes but she does not like to keep the mic on so its just video and chat. The times that we can spend together we are together pretty much 24/7 and it is great. I'm totally open with her and share everything but these times when we are apart it latly feels like it does not matter what i feel she just wants to live her life anyway she wants. I say latly only because she reacently graduated and has a lot of free time, ofcourse i can live with her spending that with friends and shopping etc.
I'll be with her soon so i think i will lay it all out for her in person and be calm about it, not be upset and still show her how i feel.

Do you know the guys she is hanging out with?

No i've never met them and i didnt eaven know she was talking to them until about a month ago. I think she almost only talks to one of them, the one who introduced them and she says he is her new best friend. It's that she talked to this guy that i got to know a month ago.

 

[relationshipdj]

Trevo, this is a very delicate situation. Many times people have expectations in a relationship and they communicate them and both agreed on it. I am currently in a long distance relationship too. I would not let my girl go out with any other dude. Because the one that that I have found out is that, it's not her I don't trust, I don't trust anyone that would make her disregard what I have told her. One of the big things with long distance relationship is that both people must be on the same page. Her going out to strip clubs with other dudes and making it sound as if it's not a big deal is not right. Maybe it's not a big deal to her but have you made it known to her that it's a big deal for you?

Make sure that both of you want the same thing.