Mental Health loneliness and depression

[420Nick]

i feel so alone. i have friends but i have never had a girlfriend and every time i put myself out there i get crushed. im starting to lose touch with people because i want to be alone. i smoke pot quite often but recently i had to give it up (got caught by parents). i have tried talking to friends, talking to counselors, seeing doctors for medicine. none of this has worked. medicine gave me temporary relief from the anxiety and lonliness i face each day but now it doesnt work anymore. im on xanex, buspirone, and zoloft. i weened off of xanex but for the last 3 nights i have taken 3mg to fall asleep and stay asleep until morning.

the loneliness is something i have always had. im so emotionally needy and i dont know if its because of failure with girls or because i was just born this way. i have a big heart and an open mind and can get along with anyone. i never judge people and always look at people at more than face value. for some reason, i cant seem to find happiness with myself though. i fail with every girl i try to put myself out there with. i feel like such a failure in life because of this. i recently finished college and all of my biggest dreams (going to prom, dancing with a girl i like, and basically just feeling wanted by a girl did not happen. everyone around me gets to experience all of this. people tell me im a good looking person and fun to be around but i feel so ugly. im starting to not care about myself because i feel so shitty every day. i see my doctor tomorrow and i am going to come clean about abusing the xanex but i dont know what he will do or if he can help me.

recently ive had thoughts of hurting myself for relief from the loneliness. im trying so hard not to because i know that once i do, i will do it again. im so glad that i found this forum because i feel like there are people on here i may be able to relate with. all i want to do is drugs. all i think about all day is girls from the past that have hurt me and how much i want to be high. im at the point where if someone were to offer me H right now, i would do it. (never done it before). to be honest, i want to do heroin. is there anyone else that feels like that?

im sick of feeling like im dragging myself on the floor all day long and getting my heart broken. im not sure what to do anymore because ive tried so much. i used to exercise every day but ive gotten so depressed i just dont have the energy most days. i also have random moods where i will be happy and optimistic for an hour and then it just vanishes. is that bipolar?

i want to seclude myself in a house far away from everyone to do drugs and watch cartoons and be alone where i dont have to see girls and couples being happy. i feel so alone. is there anyone here that can relate? i feel so awful texting my friends about this every day, i feel like such a burden. im not sure if im like this because of lack of relationships or not but i feel so lonely that i just cant take it much longer.

im lost and im scared.

 

[DooMMooD]

I can definitely relate. Way more than you can possibly imagine.

I will also tell you drugs will make it a lot worse.

 

[Obiez]

You are far too young to be on perscription drugs!
Happyness comes from doing selfless things for others. Practice girls and get into some David DeAngelo type shit to figure out how to get girls easier. You are in a vicious cycle that you need to get out of, and the only way to do so is by taking action! Exercising, easting right, finding meaning and justification for your existence. Focus on the things that satify your emotions without someone else, like concentrating on things that will aliviate your pains today tomorrow. No, you are not bipolar, you are just a product of the modern condition. You can't be happy without a purpose. "All i think about is girls in the past" - that only tells me that you have too much free time on your hands. You need to figure your interests out and start working towards them. Your lack of social life is a huge part of your depression. If people like you, be around them, and understand that this life is shared, so the better you are to people, the better people will be around you. Take chances, be scared. This life seems complex, but it is only if you believe it to be. It can be very simple, if you want it to be. If you truly want to be happy, you need to understand where your happiness is. No one is happy without trying to be, and you dont sound like you are trying to be. On the contrary, you sound like you want to shut off, and if you do, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SAsE36BqoE

Lyrics:

(feat. Del The Funky Homosapien)

Here we go

[Chorus:]

Life is a blast when you know what you're doin
Best to know what you're doin 'fore your life get ruined
Life is a thrill when your skill is developed
If you ain't got a skill or trade, then shut the hell up

[Verse One:]

My rhymes is like droppin your head on cement
Crackin it open hopin to make a dent; I'm hell-bent on
resurrection, per-fection
Lesson #1: rekindle the essence
Rap ain't about bustin caps and fuckin bitches
It's about fluency with rhymin ingenuity
All of this is new to me, see I peep rhymes
with scrutiny, under a microscope I walk a tightrope
A thin line between insanity and sanity
mixed with a little vanity, boostin the morality
with Hiero hospitality, soon to strike it rich
like calories, salaries, ahh sounds like a plan
And, I will expand hip-hop as well
Might even kick a little impromptu, to stomp you
weaklings, speaking things foreign to the human ear
that, you will fear now, whether you like it or not
Blood clots on your little life on the situation
and on the stipulations... the shit you wastin
time on you pawns, it was planned like that
But we can fight back, like David Horowitz
and say we want no more of this
and put it in a cyrogenic status
Replace it with the latest in technology
Hip-Hop policies that demolish ya follies
Olly olly oxen free, get off of me
You can't see this, your defeatist attitude'll
get you nowhere fast, I tend to my task cause

[Chorus: x2]

[Verse Two:]

Don't even start on the next man, let's scan
your situation, you still have no patience
Flip on niggaz, rob niggaz, even family
All the way up to your moms -- you can't stand to be
in the house, but when you kicked out you beggin
to come back in then the same old skit happens
You say you rappin but you don't know the essence
Just hoe slap and bustin caps is your message
Plus every time I put some scrill down, you steal it
If that's your way of teachin me a lesson I don't feel it
Your raps reflect your life and that's a shame
cause the way you're soundin, you must think that it's a game
I can see if you came from the ghetto, but you came
from the Meadow -- you really need to let that go
You got no respect for hip-hop, and you tryin to rhyme
Biding your time and I find it a crime
I even tried to bury the hatchet man
Cause we all African, you wanna be a rapper
start practicin, you can't even flow right
Spend most of your time fuckin hoes, getting in fights
Hangin out, with no mission in life
And you're missing your life, and you'll be missing out on life
I won't sweat you for that G you stole
cause if you're still alive, I'll be there to see you fold
Told ya!

[Chorus: x2]

[Verse Three:]

You could be a rapper an actor a gun clapper
A comedian providing laughter as a bachelor
A pastor of a chapter, a doctor, a lawyer
A fireman, a hired hand, whether boy or girl
it's your world your future you control it
Whatever you do, early on, is how you mold it
I record it, sold it, told it to you
Mr. Del wouldn't tell you nothin that ain't true, because

[Chorus]

Think you're able to label the Hiero sound?
You still haven't found a comparable variable
You think you're able to label the Hiero sound?
You still haven't found a comparable variable
All you marks... YEAH!

 

[quaff]

You sound pretty young, and it's hard dealing with depression AND life AND girls AND friends. However, it does get immensely better if you get treatment. Find a counselor you actually click with and can open up to, and you won't feel like you're burdening your friends so much, or not getting help. I had to go to college before I started dating, where my first boyfriend told me I "appeared intimidating," which was completely due to my depression, as I was giving off an "I'm completely in my own world" vibe.

Secluding yourself and doing drugs won't help, you'd just be avoiding the issue, which is fundamentally that you're unhappy. When you look at all of the things you're unhappy about it seems overwhelming, which is where the wanting to bury your head in the sand thing comes in. Focus on small things you can control and work towards making those things better, or you'll set yourself up for failure and be trapped in an endless cycle. Ex: don't tell yourself you're going to work out every day and then feel like an asshole for not doing it, start with exercising twice a week and eating healthy twice a week.

Also, the whole you'll find someone when you're not looking thing is totally and unfortunately true. Work on yourself and the things you actually have control over, and when things are looking up in other ways someone will come along.

There's so much light in life, you'll find it a lot faster if you try not to focus on the darkness.

 

[malakaix]

Oh man, 420Nick i can relate.. Understand that there's many of us on this forum who have been or are going through similar issues in life.

I've had my own troubles with girls, at 23 the longest relationship i've ever been in was no more then two months long; the loneliness can be so destructive and depressing but it really is an opportunity to focus on yourself, it's so cliche but the amount of times i've met someone and believed they would be a solution to my loneliness and depression only to realize, yes they provided a temporary relief but once i was without them.. all i had left was myself and the issues i had forgotten about came back.

The best piece of advice i can give you is.. focus on a goal, something you really want to achieve. Even if your unsure about it.. confidence in ones self comes from a sense of direction in life, a certainty that you know what your doing.. and with a goal in mind, you can develop purpose around achieving that goal. You will give off a powerfully attractive presence towards others and there attention will shift towards you.

Quaff is right about finding someone when your not looking, it's unfortunately true. Because you give off the presence of someone who is confident in themselves and there direction in life and not looking for someone to ease there misery, which is very attractive.

I still wake-up everyday thinking of the girl i met when i was in Europe and how much i miss her; its amazing how a single thought can ruin your whole day and bring back those feelings of loneliness like a ton of bricks, but your letting the past dictate the present. And real change only happens when you decide to let go of the past and focus on now, thats why i believe that having a goal in life acts as the foundation towards building self-esteem.

Hope you feel better, I have my up and down days.. I woke up today so horribly depressed about been alone, but i keep reminding myself that.. If i get out there, into the world.. and just live regardless, anything can happen.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Man, I can really relate to what you wrote. Girls drove me INSANE when I was younger, especially when I was a stoner.

I went through suicidal phases for sure, because of my complete lack of success with girls. It was all I would ever think about, what a pit of loneliness and despair my life was. I was so insanely jealous of everyone around me because I knew they were frequently having sex, to the point that I preferred to be alone so as to not enflame my ego. Plus, they weren't even thinking anything of it, all the sex, they just wanted to degrade girls for the sake of their own egos and then brag about it to their bros, and that is what the girls seemed to like; they wanted nothing to do with nice guy like me even though I was a massive ball of rock hard muscle, because my self esteem was so low due to never getting laid that I would work out like 5 hours a day and focus all my energy on my training. It hurt the most because I have a great heart, a lot of intelligence and stuff. It really made it harder, knowing how much I have to offer to a girl. I became incredibly antisocial as "bitches" did nothing but treat my like shit, or act like I was invisible to them, and being around sexually active guys made me RAGE. I had a lot, I mean, A LOT, of anger.

What happened to me, was I was stoned every minute of my life for years. Smoking weed turns me into an absolute dumbass, and I FIEND it so fucking hard you'd think I was a crackhead. It caused so much shit in my life, more than all the other drugs I have used combined, and I was unwilling to quit because of what an ego I was. I refused to admit I had a serious, serious problem, and I just went along with all the stoner culture bullshit and smoked dope with my pals because that was the easy thing to do, instead of facing my pent up anger, cravings, and withdrawal symptoms. Trust me dude, you arn't alone: I know lonely, that's for sure.

If you want to be more successful with women, I would recommend quitting weed entirely because it typically makes people more introverted, which is not good for attracting females. i know, in my case at least, that marijuana kept girls at bay and it was pretty much the source of all my life problems. Being an introvert is ok though, there is someone for everyone.You don't need to change anything about yourself except your bad attitude, which isn't so much your fault, but a result of the lack of success with females, who we are know are fucking impossible to deal with.

Except, I didn't really understand the opposite sex. I didn't know anything about them for so many years, like I didn't know half my own kind, and I was rejected by them, it hurt so fucking bad I could feel my brain eating itself from the depression, I was slowly killing myself due to the pain.

For the first 24 years of my life, I had sex a handful of times, when I was blackout drunk combined with either cocaine or MDMA. Not exactly true love. I needed some sort of confidence boosting hard drug to be able to say so much as "hi" to a cute girl, you see. I don't even have a confidence problem as a sober individual, it was totally all due to the weed fucking my head up and leading me to harder drugs and self destructive tendencies.

I have a girlfriend now, she's everything to me and we're in love. Man, I am thinking back to how depressed I was back when I was alone, and how miserable it was. I can really relate to the self image of total failure. I mean, I got an engineering degree and I was jacked - I wasn't exactly dicking around in life, but I felt like the biggest outright failure on the face of the earth because of how much mean girls treated me like shit and broke me.

Our biological drive for sex is truly powerful, and it's really important for our health. You need to get it, it will completely cure you and make your life awesome if you found a girl, but in order to do so, you need to simply stop giving a shit! I could never do that though. It was years of constant anger and depression before I found a special someone. I know the hole that you are down man. You need to have a history of sex / relationships in order to be confident around girls. You're one of those guys who got fucked over with girls, like myself. All I can say is, life is full of hills and valleys. You're in a valley now, but things are going to get better for you, if you are a good person, and I think you know deep down that you are, and you deserve someone. Honestly just hang in there and things will eventually get better if you do not personally resist the flow of life.

Inevitably, getting through this phase of your life will make you stronger. Just think about all the people who never have to deal with crazy addictions or loneliness and miserable shit like that. You have created a hell for yourself, you're in a very bad place right now, I've been there too and I feel for you, my life was truly hell every minute of it was torture. Just know, that you're not alone.

The government is so fucked up these days, there is so much bullshit going on and the egomaniacs rule the world, planet earth has been raped and pillaged by selfish mother fucking bastards, that shit like this is bound to happen to the nice guys like us. They finish last. Girls almost have to be exploited and manipulated these days, I was never one for "game" it's a fucking joke. Players are pieces of garbage. Just know that you're not alone - you seem like a good person crying out for help, and you definitely deserve better than this, dude. Hang in there, don't act out on those negative thoughts.

By the way, get the fuck off prescription drugs, and stop trusting the government / society because they don't give a shit about the individual man anymore, you are seen as an economical figure. There is no solution provided for people like us, and we suffer. The government, with all the brainwashing and control, has suppressed sexuality in order to profit off it. They make money off your prescription and they don't really care if it helps you or not. In fact, they don't even care if it kills off a few innocent people so long as they are racking up the coin, offering a solution to the problem of fucked up capitalist society in the form of nasty lab chemicals worse than street drugs. It does not sound like there is anything wrong with you. In all honesty you probably just need to get your dick off and the girls arn't having it, I've been there and it will drive you batshit crazy that's for sure. I hope this helps somehow, but sadly I cannot offer you a vagina. I know you want more than that - you want love - but I think that trying to get some experience with sex, getting physically close with some girls, might be a good place to start your journey to that ultimate goal. Drugs are probably going to make things worse, maybe you should save the drugs for a happier time of your life.

 

[420Nick]

with work all day i have little free time and im too scared to meet new people because everyone i meet i immediatly start thinking they are judging me. i cant help it. i try to fight it and suck it up but then i end up getting rejected or turned down and everyone says to keep trying but this has been going on my whole life and i cant figure out what is wrong with me. these last 2 weeks have been so awful, i quit pot cold turkey and ive been trying to ween off of the pills my doctor gave me but socially im just alone every day because all my friends are away. i feel like i have nobody emotionally and its killing me to see girls just in general because it hurts me to feel unwanted. its getting to the point where i have tried so hard not to cut myself and thankfully have not yet done that

 

[djzmo]

I can relate with you nick and what rave_itsrealfun said is wise. You are waiting for someone else to save you, when the only one who can save you is yourself. Channel that depression and loneliness, which turns into anger, in a productive way, OWN it, don't let it own you. It's easier said than done...

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

I have the exact same problem as you, and drugs made it much worse. The only time girls ever like me is when i am high on mdma, and i got addicted to it a few years ago due to this. Nowadays, i am highly unstable without pot in my system, to the point that i will be abusive to anyone around me. I literally need to smoke weed, even though it makes me pretty stupid and i hate it. Man, i am 24, hating life a lot, and drugs have not helped me. I had a career job before getting fired for incompetence, and now i am travelling foreign countries and living off my back. I am having a great time, but eventually i am going to have to face the sad reality that i am a washup/failure. I really dod have a lot of potential - you need to deal with this now, because the longer you don't face your problems and turn to seugs, the worse things are going to get for you.

 

[phactor]

I will also tell you drugs will make it a lot worse.

I agree, take it from me. I am an idiot when it comes to girls for the most part and a lot of the reason was I was too busy using. Plus, when you are using you tend not to attract the best or most stable partners.

Give the drugs a break, at least 90 days and see how you feel. If you are prescribed the xanax then take as recommended. Whatever you do, do not cold turkey off of it.