Cliff notes in bold
Long time lurker here who's seen what an amazing group TDS is and I figure now is as good a time as any to tell my story.
So I originally had this whole big shpeel planned with a novel-like introduction, but it just got way too wordy and I'm already relatively a self conscious person, so I scrapped it for this shorter introduction.
I am a strapping 25 year old man with a strapping fascination for escapism, my preferred method of travel is opiates with my last dosages ranging between 200-300mg daily. Besides opiates, I've been a poly-drug user for about 3 or 4 years (opiates lasted about 2 years)
I have no interesting history. Just two loving parents and 3 siblings who loved me too much and never allowed me the chance to develop into my own person. This has left me never feeling good enough because my ideologies always went against the grain of those I loved, leaving them disappointed and angry with me. In turn, I feel nothing I ever do is good enough, most importantly myself.
I willingly entered into my addiction with no regrets. In fact, even to this day, after 5 weeks off after ibogaine therapy, I still look back on the last two years as some of the happiest most fulfilling years of my life. Opiates allowed me to be content with my world, but most importantly, content with myself. I got together with the love of my life (I told her about my usage before I asked her to be my girlfriend), I successfully held down 3 jobs as well as managed an apartment unit of mine and life seemed like nothing could get better. But now, 5 weeks out of usage, I've been miserable with life, absolutely down with myself and am losing touch with reality once more as a defense mechanism for my critical nature.
Yesterday night, I picked up 10 percs and upon ingesting 50mg last night, I experienced some moments of clarity. Thanks to the past two years of opiate/drug usage, I was able to finally get to the root of my psychological issues and confront my parents about everything. Since then, I've decided no longer to give myself the bullshit that I don't deserve. Easier said then done, considering the looming depression that was about to hit after my cessation of opiates.
After a week from ibogaine, I considered myself cured. But there was still a lingering depression, so I became a poly drug user, abusing everything I could get my hands on from Ketamine to 1,4 butanediol & GBL to ephedrine to adderall to alcohol to any other psychedelics that normally would allow me some insight and clarity on my life. I didn't crave opiates, and I still believe I do not. I craved contentment... satisfaction. So last night, in a moment of weakness, I picked up only 10 Percocet. This is a huge step in itself since I normally buy in the 100's at a time. It is certainly nice to come home in the evening and not be out a couple grand.
I know this has to stop. As I reached the end of my usage, I finally started to see the diminishing returns from opiates as my tolerance sky-rocketed where 150mg pop would get me nowhere. So I'm taking this moment, although most days its hard to see life this way, I'm going to take this time to truly find myself. For it is in the moments where there is nothing left of us that we are truly able to find out who we are.
Although my attitude once the opiates get out of my system will likely change, rather than focus on quitting opiates, which is what I did the million times in the past, I'm going to focus on filling the void in my life with something that doesn't require thousands of dollars a month to maintain.
To help with my mood while I continue my journey, I will be using sparing portions of premium bali kratom (steps down from the enhanced products I used to use!). I know this is trading one addiction for another, but my goal here is to fill the void in my life, and when I can finally do that, I know I will be ready to stop using.
Things I plan to focus on:
- myself, for once in my life
- music: I've always had a passion for piano and composition but am so self-conscious about it that I never finish any projects for fear of no one liking my work.
- finding passion in work: I'm quitting my day job and beginning to focus on the things I enjoy and find out if I can turn a profit doing those.
- ending my fear of rejection from others: this is a big one!
- my health: I will be going on a juice cleanse tomorrow or thursday and am beginning to eat organic and non-processed foods only. This is a HUGE step for me as I hate that stuff, but I also used to be a very active person and can no longer make up for it with exercise as I just don't have enough time in my schedule to be as active as I used to (6+ hours in the gym lifting or basketball or swimming - I miss those days!!)
- putting an end to my escapist nature: this means dealing with my problems in a sober fashion, not turning to a drug the moment things get tough.
Life isn't easy, I know this much to be true. In fact, it can downright blow sweaty hairy nuts at times, but it is exactly those moments that can give me the opportunity to show myself that I can overcome adversity. And when I finally accomplish that, I will have the happy moments to relish in my accomplishments. In this, I truly believe we all have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, no matter where we are in our lives. We choose whether or not to take the next step forward or backward.
Well that about sums up my 'short' version of my story
Hope you all enjoyed and look forward to hearing all of your responses. I will continue to update this thread as my life unfolds.
I hope my story can help motivate those who might need it and inspire those who didn't even know they needed it.
"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
-Chris
Long time lurker here who's seen what an amazing group TDS is and I figure now is as good a time as any to tell my story.
So I originally had this whole big shpeel planned with a novel-like introduction, but it just got way too wordy and I'm already relatively a self conscious person, so I scrapped it for this shorter introduction.
I am a strapping 25 year old man with a strapping fascination for escapism, my preferred method of travel is opiates with my last dosages ranging between 200-300mg daily. Besides opiates, I've been a poly-drug user for about 3 or 4 years (opiates lasted about 2 years)
I have no interesting history. Just two loving parents and 3 siblings who loved me too much and never allowed me the chance to develop into my own person. This has left me never feeling good enough because my ideologies always went against the grain of those I loved, leaving them disappointed and angry with me. In turn, I feel nothing I ever do is good enough, most importantly myself.
I willingly entered into my addiction with no regrets. In fact, even to this day, after 5 weeks off after ibogaine therapy, I still look back on the last two years as some of the happiest most fulfilling years of my life. Opiates allowed me to be content with my world, but most importantly, content with myself. I got together with the love of my life (I told her about my usage before I asked her to be my girlfriend), I successfully held down 3 jobs as well as managed an apartment unit of mine and life seemed like nothing could get better. But now, 5 weeks out of usage, I've been miserable with life, absolutely down with myself and am losing touch with reality once more as a defense mechanism for my critical nature.
Yesterday night, I picked up 10 percs and upon ingesting 50mg last night, I experienced some moments of clarity. Thanks to the past two years of opiate/drug usage, I was able to finally get to the root of my psychological issues and confront my parents about everything. Since then, I've decided no longer to give myself the bullshit that I don't deserve. Easier said then done, considering the looming depression that was about to hit after my cessation of opiates.
After a week from ibogaine, I considered myself cured. But there was still a lingering depression, so I became a poly drug user, abusing everything I could get my hands on from Ketamine to 1,4 butanediol & GBL to ephedrine to adderall to alcohol to any other psychedelics that normally would allow me some insight and clarity on my life. I didn't crave opiates, and I still believe I do not. I craved contentment... satisfaction. So last night, in a moment of weakness, I picked up only 10 Percocet. This is a huge step in itself since I normally buy in the 100's at a time. It is certainly nice to come home in the evening and not be out a couple grand.
I know this has to stop. As I reached the end of my usage, I finally started to see the diminishing returns from opiates as my tolerance sky-rocketed where 150mg pop would get me nowhere. So I'm taking this moment, although most days its hard to see life this way, I'm going to take this time to truly find myself. For it is in the moments where there is nothing left of us that we are truly able to find out who we are.
Although my attitude once the opiates get out of my system will likely change, rather than focus on quitting opiates, which is what I did the million times in the past, I'm going to focus on filling the void in my life with something that doesn't require thousands of dollars a month to maintain.
To help with my mood while I continue my journey, I will be using sparing portions of premium bali kratom (steps down from the enhanced products I used to use!). I know this is trading one addiction for another, but my goal here is to fill the void in my life, and when I can finally do that, I know I will be ready to stop using.
Things I plan to focus on:
- myself, for once in my life
- music: I've always had a passion for piano and composition but am so self-conscious about it that I never finish any projects for fear of no one liking my work.
- finding passion in work: I'm quitting my day job and beginning to focus on the things I enjoy and find out if I can turn a profit doing those.
- ending my fear of rejection from others: this is a big one!
- my health: I will be going on a juice cleanse tomorrow or thursday and am beginning to eat organic and non-processed foods only. This is a HUGE step for me as I hate that stuff, but I also used to be a very active person and can no longer make up for it with exercise as I just don't have enough time in my schedule to be as active as I used to (6+ hours in the gym lifting or basketball or swimming - I miss those days!!)
- putting an end to my escapist nature: this means dealing with my problems in a sober fashion, not turning to a drug the moment things get tough.
Life isn't easy, I know this much to be true. In fact, it can downright blow sweaty hairy nuts at times, but it is exactly those moments that can give me the opportunity to show myself that I can overcome adversity. And when I finally accomplish that, I will have the happy moments to relish in my accomplishments. In this, I truly believe we all have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, no matter where we are in our lives. We choose whether or not to take the next step forward or backward.
Well that about sums up my 'short' version of my story

Hope you all enjoyed and look forward to hearing all of your responses. I will continue to update this thread as my life unfolds.
I hope my story can help motivate those who might need it and inspire those who didn't even know they needed it.
"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
-Chris
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