TDS Logging my way to a better life

Ferox

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2012
Messages
59
Cliff notes in bold

Long time lurker here who's seen what an amazing group TDS is and I figure now is as good a time as any to tell my story.

So I originally had this whole big shpeel planned with a novel-like introduction, but it just got way too wordy and I'm already relatively a self conscious person, so I scrapped it for this shorter introduction.

I am a strapping 25 year old man with a strapping fascination for escapism, my preferred method of travel is opiates with my last dosages ranging between 200-300mg daily. Besides opiates, I've been a poly-drug user for about 3 or 4 years (opiates lasted about 2 years)

I have no interesting history. Just two loving parents and 3 siblings who loved me too much and never allowed me the chance to develop into my own person. This has left me never feeling good enough because my ideologies always went against the grain of those I loved, leaving them disappointed and angry with me. In turn, I feel nothing I ever do is good enough, most importantly myself.

I willingly entered into my addiction with no regrets. In fact, even to this day, after 5 weeks off after ibogaine therapy, I still look back on the last two years as some of the happiest most fulfilling years of my life. Opiates allowed me to be content with my world, but most importantly, content with myself. I got together with the love of my life (I told her about my usage before I asked her to be my girlfriend), I successfully held down 3 jobs as well as managed an apartment unit of mine and life seemed like nothing could get better. But now, 5 weeks out of usage, I've been miserable with life, absolutely down with myself and am losing touch with reality once more as a defense mechanism for my critical nature.

Yesterday night, I picked up 10 percs and upon ingesting 50mg last night, I experienced some moments of clarity. Thanks to the past two years of opiate/drug usage, I was able to finally get to the root of my psychological issues and confront my parents about everything. Since then, I've decided no longer to give myself the bullshit that I don't deserve. Easier said then done, considering the looming depression that was about to hit after my cessation of opiates.

After a week from ibogaine, I considered myself cured. But there was still a lingering depression, so I became a poly drug user, abusing everything I could get my hands on from Ketamine to 1,4 butanediol & GBL to ephedrine to adderall to alcohol to any other psychedelics that normally would allow me some insight and clarity on my life. I didn't crave opiates, and I still believe I do not. I craved contentment... satisfaction. So last night, in a moment of weakness, I picked up only 10 Percocet. This is a huge step in itself since I normally buy in the 100's at a time. It is certainly nice to come home in the evening and not be out a couple grand.

I know this has to stop. As I reached the end of my usage, I finally started to see the diminishing returns from opiates as my tolerance sky-rocketed where 150mg pop would get me nowhere. So I'm taking this moment, although most days its hard to see life this way, I'm going to take this time to truly find myself. For it is in the moments where there is nothing left of us that we are truly able to find out who we are.

Although my attitude once the opiates get out of my system will likely change, rather than focus on quitting opiates, which is what I did the million times in the past, I'm going to focus on filling the void in my life with something that doesn't require thousands of dollars a month to maintain.

To help with my mood while I continue my journey, I will be using sparing portions of premium bali kratom (steps down from the enhanced products I used to use!). I know this is trading one addiction for another, but my goal here is to fill the void in my life, and when I can finally do that, I know I will be ready to stop using.

Things I plan to focus on:

- myself, for once in my life
- music: I've always had a passion for piano and composition but am so self-conscious about it that I never finish any projects for fear of no one liking my work.
- finding passion in work: I'm quitting my day job and beginning to focus on the things I enjoy and find out if I can turn a profit doing those.
- ending my fear of rejection from others: this is a big one!
- my health: I will be going on a juice cleanse tomorrow or thursday and am beginning to eat organic and non-processed foods only. This is a HUGE step for me as I hate that stuff, but I also used to be a very active person and can no longer make up for it with exercise as I just don't have enough time in my schedule to be as active as I used to (6+ hours in the gym lifting or basketball or swimming - I miss those days!!)
- putting an end to my escapist nature: this means dealing with my problems in a sober fashion, not turning to a drug the moment things get tough.


Life isn't easy, I know this much to be true. In fact, it can downright blow sweaty hairy nuts at times, but it is exactly those moments that can give me the opportunity to show myself that I can overcome adversity. And when I finally accomplish that, I will have the happy moments to relish in my accomplishments. In this, I truly believe we all have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, no matter where we are in our lives. We choose whether or not to take the next step forward or backward.

Well that about sums up my 'short' version of my story :-)
Hope you all enjoyed and look forward to hearing all of your responses. I will continue to update this thread as my life unfolds.
I hope my story can help motivate those who might need it and inspire those who didn't even know they needed it.

"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."

-Chris
 
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You sound like you have a great attitude. I hope you are able to not pick up for awhile and see how your new focuses are making you feel. If after a few months you are getting little joy out of them, you may be depressed. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion though without allowing the opiate fog to lift.
 
Well, today is another day. Yesterdays dose of opiates gave me a great feeling throughout the entire day. I got a TON of work done while high and then had a good basketball game in the evening in which I had a lot of fun! Didn't really crave it, but was feeling a little foggy this morning, so I took some Kratom just to get things going. Otherwise, don't have a craving for more opiates, which is usually the case once I open up pandora's box :-P

I'm starting a 7 day juice cleanse, so I hope that will allow my body some time to recover from all the substances I've been throwing it's way over the last month. My goal is to only using Kratom when necessary and not much else! Even going to cut most of the caffeine out of my diet. I am in the middle of a test boosting cycle so I'll leave those in for now since I don't think they will do a ton of harm. I'll probably update a couple times to let you know how shitty I feel from not being able to eat.

Morning Juice:
- Carrots & Apples
Supplements:
- Kratom
- Fish oil
- Vitamin D
- Vitamin B Complex
- Milk Thistle
- HCGenerate
- Bulbine

Current weight : 250 lb


You sound like you have a great attitude. I hope you are able to not pick up for awhile and see how your new focuses are making you feel. If after a few months you are getting little joy out of them, you may be depressed. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion though without allowing the opiate fog to lift.

This could very well be the case, but I know in the past, when I've found something to focus on that I enjoy, I rarely feel depressed. I definitely have a tendency to look at the negative side of things, but I feel that is a state of mind for me and can easily be changed if I truly want to change it. Thanks for the encouragement!!
 
I was a health/workout nut b4 I started using for basically my whole life........I used for 4 years. In the beginning, maybe 2 yrs, I still had great workouts and lifted heavy weights. As time went on though, my body started changing for the worse. I was losing muscle and gaining fat, but also losing motivation. I knew what I wanted and it wasn't a great workout. It was a roxi or 10........Never stopped going to the gym, but everytime I went I was using. I was still having great workouts, running and lifting well, but I had to be using to do it.

My regular non using self had been getting weaker the whole time. when I tried to accomplish anything sober, it was a huge chore. I started realizing what was happening, the workouts were all fake. The motivation was fake, it was all bullshit. Using suppresses your testosterone, unless you are on massive juice, the gains wont come. The motivation to eat healthy left me, ice cream tastes so good on opies......

I'm only 3 weeks in, I still have a ton of work to be done. I have done a lot of damage to my body that I barely realized by using. I ran a mile last night and almost passed out, but guess what, it was the biggest accomplishment I've had in 4 yrs, even though I could run 5 miles high. The real me is weak, but I will be strong again. I'm sharing this with you because you seem similiar to me. I really hope you can realize that opiates, though they will get you through a day, won't move you forward. They will set you back 3fold. Good luck my friend, make the right choice.
 
I was a health/workout nut b4 I started using for basically my whole life........I used for 4 years. In the beginning, maybe 2 yrs, I still had great workouts and lifted heavy weights. As time went on though, my body started changing for the worse. I was losing muscle and gaining fat, but also losing motivation. I knew what I wanted and it wasn't a great workout. It was a roxi or 10........Never stopped going to the gym, but everytime I went I was using. I was still having great workouts, running and lifting well, but I had to be using to do it.

My regular non using self had been getting weaker the whole time. when I tried to accomplish anything sober, it was a huge chore. I started realizing what was happening, the workouts were all fake. The motivation was fake, it was all bullshit. Using suppresses your testosterone, unless you are on massive juice, the gains wont come. The motivation to eat healthy left me, ice cream tastes so good on opies......

I'm only 3 weeks in, I still have a ton of work to be done. I have done a lot of damage to my body that I barely realized by using. I ran a mile last night and almost passed out, but guess what, it was the biggest accomplishment I've had in 4 yrs, even though I could run 5 miles high. The real me is weak, but I will be strong again. I'm sharing this with you because you seem similiar to me. I really hope you can realize that opiates, though they will get you through a day, won't move you forward. They will set you back 3fold. Good luck my friend, make the right choice.

I can relate very much to this. In fact, I know exactly what you mean. Exercise used to be my drug. But little by little, oxy took up more and more of my good addiction and began to give me something that I thought was even greater. Little did I know that I was being broken down from the inside out. I thought I was still in shape while using because I felt fine, then I went a day without using, and although didn't really lose much strength, it just wasn't the same. The motivation wasn't quite there. But I had continued to use and use until when I was off the drug, I could barely lift 30% of the weight I used to. It was almost painful too.

3 weeks out is a great accomplishment! Perhaps we can feed off each other during our recoveries since it seems we both share a passion for a natural endorphin rush!

I have so many aches and pains today that I can barely believe that I'm not 35 years old. But I'm determined to get my life back together. I've been taught a valuable lesson: if you don't have to work for something, you'll pay for it later on.

Opiates gave me everything I'd ever want with no money down. Now I get to pay back my loan plus interest, which sucks, but I know when I finally do, I'll be happier than I could ever be with opiates.

I'm determined to get my former self back.
 
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Still juicing...

Mid day Juice:
Acai juice w/ Moringa leave & superfruit powders
Carrots & Apples & Kale


A great thing to think about is that you will be getting your former self but with lots more experience and life lessons under your belt. <3

I agree. I truly regret not one thing about my usage. I accomplished so much while using and I still learned a lot. Now, I just need to take the training wheels off and relearn it all by myself!
 
Got a little nauseous yesterday from my most likely over-juicing, so I decided to adopt a modified juice diet for the foreseeable future. This will involve one or two meals in conjunction with juicing to aid in moderating the absorption of nutrients to keep from shocking my body. Apparently, juicing/drinking an entire bushel of Kale isn't quite the smartest play in the noobie juicing book. Live and learn!

Almost done with all the work at my current day job. As soon as I finish this, I will no longer be working here and will begin to focus on new ventures in life. I'm pretty excited about that, mostly the idea that I will again have free time to workout and play basketball more often!

I'm starting to make all natural soap and just introduced some of my bars to my neighbors so I'm excited to see what they say about them. I'll be making them natural deodorant sometime in the next week also for them to try. Going to start a blog detailing my switch to a natural/organic lifestyle. Hopefully can turn this idea into a nice business plan and take advantage of the current trends and market saturation in NYC.

Other than that, things aren't too bad. Just trying to focus on the good things and keep the boredom to a minimum. With SC:Heart of the Swarm up and running, that definitely helps keep my mind occupied when things get rough!

I hope everyone is doing well out there. Stay strong & push forward!
 
Other than that, things aren't too bad. Just trying to focus on the good things and keep the boredom to a minimum.

Hey Ferox, welcome to the boards! You have a great attitude and will certainly be successful.

Focusing on the good things is such a great idea; it's easy to think of negative thoughts and have negative feelings, but true strength is displayed when you're able to focus on the good things.
 
Yes, definitely. I've spent the last 5 week focusing on the negatives. There came a point where I had to ask myself; "Where are all of these thoughts getting me?"

I can't stop the negative thoughts during this time period, but I can certainly control how much attention I give them, so instead of trying to stop them from coming, I'm just going to try to focus on something worth my time. I never really believed that happiness was a choice. If it were that simple, everyone would be happy. Happiness is hard work and it requires one to retrain their thought patterns. I'm never going to be 100% happy, but I would never want that. There have to be hardships in order to enjoy the fruits of happiness!

Best of strength to you all!
 
^ That is 100% true :) Even if you do have a negative thought come up- acknowledge it, accept it, and move on. It's impossible to stop the negative thoughts completely, but like you mentioned, you can control them. Acceptance is something that I am personally working on myself.

Best wishes <3 xx
 
Yes, definitely. I've spent the last 5 week focusing on the negatives. There came a point where I had to ask myself; "Where are all of these thoughts getting me?"

I can't stop the negative thoughts during this time period, but I can certainly control how much attention I give them, so instead of trying to stop them from coming, I'm just going to try to focus on something worth my time. I never really believed that happiness was a choice. If it were that simple, everyone would be happy. Happiness is hard work and it requires one to retrain their thought patterns. I'm never going to be 100% happy, but I would never want that. There have to be hardships in order to enjoy the fruits of happiness!

Best of strength to you all!


Sometimes I think that was why I started using because I wanted to be happy all the time and I just wasn't. You are right though, happiness isn't a given. Its more earned. Great job and keep fighting the good fight.
 
Hope everyone out there is doing well! I have no complaints to report, but an update is required none-the-less.

I had a good weekend with my girlfriend. It was our year anniversary and I wasn't a completely miserable person, which is good for her because she doesn't deserve anything less than the best! Ran >2miles on Saturday and it felt amazing to do so, even though I hate running! Come home from my gf's last night and a rather interesting evening followed. Yesterday, I remembered I had a bunch of mdma (purity unknown, but assumption is rather weak) in my desk drawer and I've been hankering for a roll for quite some time. So I took the mdma andhung around my room playing piano and listening to other music. As I began to feel it come up, I shut all the lights off in my room, let the rest of my playlist play out and than began to medidate, laying still in my bed for as long as my body & mind allowed. This proved to be an interesting task. I began to try my hardest to center my mind no matter what thoughts tried to pull me any which way. By what seemed like a few hours into it, I managed to get myself in a restful coma-like state in which I'm pretty sure I was sleeping (which NEVER happens 2-3 hours into a roll). I experienced minor bruxism for maybe 30 seconds and as soon as I focused back on my breathing, the clenching was gone. I was in and out of this dream like state for a few hours until I curled up in a comfortable little ball on my bed and relaxed, peacefully until the sun rose. At 7am, I awoke to the sun shining beautifully through my basement window and an energy like I had slept for the entire night peacefully. This is the first time I've tried something like this on mdma and I have to say, it was a very rewarding experience. Not necessarily profound or even blissful, but peaceful. It's given me a new appreciation for meditation which I hope to include much much more into my sober lifestyle going forward!


I got bloodwork done thursday to see where my levels are since beginning my detox a month ago. I don't expect it to be amazing as I only stopped the multi substance using last week. My liver values have been rising over the past year or so, which I can only deduct that it is the 1,4 butanediol that I use sporadically, but often and in high enough doses that I feel it might be having an effect on my liver values. Either that or I have hepatits, which would suck, but also could be the wake up call I needed to begin living a sober life immediately, so I'm seeing it as a positive no matter the results!


Now on to today. I awoke this morning and began planning nothing for my day. I took my morning dose of kratom and played rock band for a little bit waiting for it to take effect. Lately, I've been taking 3 small doses throughout the day to which I would barely notice any effects, but today, I wanted to enjoy it a little more so I took two or three more grams than usual. So as to not waste this time, I planned to update my log here and begin cleaning my room which is a mess. So I prepared my juice for the morning and I'm currently on my way to doing my chores.

This mornings juice is a combination of apples, carrots & red kale. You know, I never thought I would ever say this but I'm actually beginning to enjoy these juices. It wasn't more than 6 weeks ago that I was literally throwing up in my mouth upon ingesting any such juices. I've always had a very picky and childish palette, but I can happily say that it's possible to retrain even MY palette.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would have to say today is about 7.5

I hope all of you are well and on your path to peace!
 
Today is another decent day. Took my Kratom this morning and it doesn't seem to do much for me lately, which means either my tolerance is growing or my dose is small enough that I don't really feel it all that much (have moved from 6-8g enhanced Bali to 6-8g Thai strand to 6-8g regular commercial Bali). Either way, I'm not upping my dose but rather working on dropping my dose down to 2 times a day. I went 15 hours without anything yesterday (counting sleep) and I woke up feeling fine this morning, which is great. I'm trying to time my doses so that I have no reason for using, this way I don't associate it with any sort of purpose and hopefully get rid of a few triggers as time goes by.

This mornings Juice:
Carrots/apples/spinach/beets - definitely not my favorite. Very earthy taste!

On a tangent here, I feel like I should be posting this log in a different forums. Doesn't seem like many people are in the mood for any sort of motivational posts, and I don't want to be rude, like I'm shoving it in anyone's face. I mean, there are still struggles, daily, but I try not to focus on any of those, but rather be thankful for all the positives in my life.

I hope everyone is doing well out there!



Have some kids, that will fill a void for sure.

It might distract me, but I have 2 nephews (with 2 more on the way). I'm not in any way shape or form responsible enough to handle bringing another soul into this world. I'd only feel comfortable doing that if I had the power to provide everything and anything my child might need. I also don't like the direction this world is going in, so I'd feel selfish to have a kid, knowing what kind of age he/she would have to grow up in. But I understand your advice! I've heard how life changing it can be!
 
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Played basketball today at my local gym for the first time in a long time. It's nice to know that this juicing is paying off. I had nothing to eat all day and only two juices and my energy levels were much higher than I could have ever anticipated them. Dead lifted today because my back has been hurting me and I added 20 lbs since two weeks ago (not lifting much in between), so I'm pretty pumped about that, although the weights at my local gym are a bit lighter than the weights at my house. Had a bit more caffeine today than I'd like, but I won't have any tomorrow to make up for it. Also need to stop dipping as often as I have been. Was a little nauseous when I came home from the gym, but that was most likely from the kale juice that I was drinking, which usually upsets my stomach a bit. I feel much better now.

I hope everyone is catching a peak of the brighter side of life tonight!
 
Glad to hear you are doing well. I enjoy reading your updates, and I have just recently discovered this site. I have about 5 days off of black, and I took a little bit of suboxone and I think I'm going to dose again tonight. It doesn't do much for me, and I know I'm going to have to go with out it completey. (in the last 5 days I have only taken suboxone 3x with one of the times being about .1mg, which is nothing.)

I have been spending a lot of time in doors on my computer, as I recently moved to a new place. I know I will not live here for ever, and hopefully not longer than a year or so.

I have been vegetarian now for about 2 years consistently, and anything meat is disgusting to me now. I believe it is the only way to heal my body, and I too get massive amounts of energy from living this life style.

Keep it up!
 
I have found that yoga is very helpful for my mind and body (+soul) overall. A lot of pains I have in my body are usually taken care of if I can get myself to actually do it! I'm lucky if I spend 10 minutes on yoga on a day. I wish I did more, and I do plan on it. I took classes for a couple months, and learned almost everything I need to know. It's actually pretty cool, hot chicks, and you feel amazing when your finished, and I think it just helps with everything.
 
music: I've always had a passion for piano and composition but am so self-conscious about it that I never finish any projects for fear of no one liking my work.

Make music because you enjoy it; don't worry about what other people will think of it.

I make music for my own personal enjoyment, no one else's.
 
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