Living with parents/never can be alone/losing my mind.

[painenduser]

I won't go into the "proven fact" talk.

Ok, maybe I should not have said it quite like that, but if you look at history, the best thinkers, artists, scientists, ect we mainly people who tended to be somewhat Isolated, they had a study or whatever, where they could et away, and allow themselves time to think with out alot of outside influences. So your right with out saying it, stating a proven fact was a little ambitious on my part. Sorry for that as I wasn't trying to turn this into a debate of fact, just trying to make a simple point. However it is true that everyone does need time to them selves and some space. A quiet place to call their own with no outside interruption. Not 100% of the time, but they need that time none the less. It's how we can get in touch with our inner selves, otherwise we become the product of someone else. Not everyone can get that space when others are always around, It can be hard for some people to block them out. So I apologize if I misspoke earlier as I wasn't trying to cause a debate over the situation.

Thanks!

-Pain

 

[modern buddha]

Ok, maybe I should not have said it quite like that, but if you look at history, the best thinkers, artists, scientists, ect we mainly people who tended to be somewhat Isolated, they had a study or whatever, where they could et away, and allow themselves time to think with out alot of outside influences. So your right with out saying it, stating a proven fact was a little ambitious on my part. Sorry for that as I wasn't trying to turn this into a debate of fact, just trying to make a simple point. However it is true that everyone does need time to them selves and some space. A quiet place to call their own with no outside interruption. Not 100% of the time, but they need that time none the less. It's how we can get in touch with our inner selves, otherwise we become the product of someone else. Not everyone can get that space when others are always around, It can be hard for some people to block them out. So I apologize if I misspoke earlier as I wasn't trying to cause a debate over the situation.

Thanks!

-Pain

I wasn't debating, either. I said I wasn't going into it. Saving myself time and moohlah since you already understand.

 

[slackhands]

mp3 player + headphones. If your parents claim that this is rude, tell them that you're listening to educational material.

Start applying for jobs to get things in motion. Once you get a job and can set a savings plan in stone, a lot of the anxiety will go away since you'll know that there is an end.

I can definitely relate to you, though. I am sensitive to repetitive, even if benign, actions of others and it makes my anxiety and OCD go nuts. Unfortunately, it won't go away, and if you get a girlfriend or have kids, eventually you will notice things about them too. I think you'll find that as you get more sober time and learn to deal with anxiety in constructive ways, this won't be as big of an issue.

I get this bro. Like at dinner I swear my sis purposely taps her fork against the plate with really little taps. I know I'm very mentally strong and will control this rage/hopefully overcome it, but this does make me go a bit insane at times. It's like everyone likes to make others uncomfortable lol. I feel your pain though man, AHHHHHHHHH

 

[Missykins]

when i get annoyed at the people i live with i walk the dog.

i walk the dog a lot. which is ok, because both of us like it.

Some of the best advice that's been given: find a healthy diversion.

 

[Missykins]

^ that is horrible, blahman; I cannot believe that you are being accused of that when you are working so hard to stay sober and are succeeding! Do you have ANY alternatives for living with them?
8(

I would turn the indignation down a notch. The vast majority of addicts and alcoholics violated the trust of their families, so it's not surprising that a parent might suspect his alcoholic son of stealing alcohol from the house. I'm not suggesting that throwing accusations around solves problems, but the feelings of the family members of alcoholics need to be taken into consideration as well.

 

[Missykins]

...My dad asked me what was wrong, and I was frustrated but tried to explain to him that I'm never alone and it's driving me nuts. A couple hours later he started screaming at me and cussing me out over it, saying that "WE'RE NEVER ALONE EITHER, YOU WANT TO BE ALONE THEN GET YOUR OWN FUCKING PLACE," and a few other things...

Well, there you have it. Your parents (at least your father--I don't hear your mother's voice in this) don't want their adult child living with them. They have their own routines. They like their privacy as well. I doubt that you're a huge financial burden upon them, but whatever it is, it was money they could spend on themselves.

I think your plan to become independent is a good one. Maybe I missed it in an earlier post, but why were you in the hospital? Do you mean rehab? Whatever you do, don't pick up some other drug. I take it you are not in AA. I would seriously consider it---there are a lot of people in the rooms with a situation like yours.

I don't know how old you are or how old your parents are, but, God willing, they will get older, and may lose their own ability to care for themselves some day.

 

[blahman8000]

Well, there you have it. Your parents (at least your father--I don't hear your mother's voice in this) don't want their adult child living with them. They have their own routines. They like their privacy as well. I doubt that you're a huge financial burden upon them, but whatever it is, it was money they could spend on themselves.

I think your plan to become independent is a good one. Maybe I missed it in an earlier post, but why were you in the hospital? Do you mean rehab? Whatever you do, don't pick up some other drug. I take it you are not in AA. I would seriously consider it---there are a lot of people in the rooms with a situation like yours.

I don't know how old you are or how old your parents are, but, God willing, they will get older, and may lose their own ability to care for themselves some day.

Thanks for your response, Missykins, and I believe you're right. I think deep down they want me to leave almost as much as I myself would like to leave. My father as well as my mother. My father insists on buying food that he thinks I'd prefer to eat, although I repeatedly ask him not to buy me anything. I make money in small quantities (nothing stable at all), and I get by on my own purchases and also from his grocery shopping, admittedly. Although I never have been much of an expense, especially not now. I simply don't like handouts, though, and I'd rather they not spend a dime on me. My mother doesn't, but my father occasionally does. I do help him with many things, though.

I was in the hospital because of liver damage (alcoholic hepatitis, jaundice, other complications) after years of very heavy drinking. I've since sobered up and I do currently intend AA meetings. Well, I've just started. I've been to 3 so far. I haven't been to rehab, though, and I don't think I need to. I'm sure many of us have said the same before, but I really am doing a good job staying away from alcohol. I do get occasional cravings for drugs (benzos, opiates), but it's always overcome by my desire to remain sober and healthy. I think I've said it before in this thread, though, that I do occasionally wonder if I could handle a moderate daily benzo dose when my anxiety feels so insurmountable.

I'm 24 years old and my parents are in their early 60s. I'd like to just move out on my own, and in the meantime let things settle down so that I can resume a more peaceful and healthy relationship with my parents, before there's too little time left.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

I would turn the indignation down a notch. The vast majority of addicts and alcoholics violated the trust of their families, so it's not surprising that a parent might suspect his alcoholic son of stealing alcohol from the house. I'm not suggesting that throwing accusations around solves problems, but the feelings of the family members of alcoholics need to be taken into consideration as well.

Herbavore, your post is spot on! For a RECOVERING addict to be put down in this manner and be continually verbally abused about something they are NOT doing is horrible....and its abuse...Its almost like his parents want him to "break" so they can say "I told you so"...To say such things repeatedly to an addict is not only extremely insensitive BUT morally wrong...IMO...I feel for you OP...The best of luck...

 

[Missykins]

Herbavore, your post is spot on! For a RECOVERING addict to be put down in this manner and be continually verbally abused about something they are NOT doing is horrible....and its abuse...Its almost like his parents want him to "break" so they can say "I told you so"...To say such things repeatedly to an addict is not only extremely insensitive BUT morally wrong...IMO...I feel for you OP...The best of luck...

I'm not trying to hijack the thread here, and I'm not trying to suggest that the OP did something wrong, but we need to have sympathy for the families of addicts and alcoholics, and to try to understand where their anger comes from.

 

[blahman8000]

Regardless of what's right or wrong, I feel as though it's unfair of them to claim to be trying to support me through this and that they care about me, yet all I've gotten so far are false accusations and insults. And every time I try to explain myself, it gets thrown back in my face and things only get worse.

It is almost impossible to explain it all in a way that another person might understand why I feel the way I do. It's hard to put it all into words and have someone else try to put themselves in my shoes. Every day the anxiety and frustration get a little worse, yet each day I get a little more quiet and just withdraw a little more. It isn't healthy and it isn't normal to feel this way, but I do. I'm on my last nerve. The unnecessary noise making, my mom's loud goofy singing and shouting late at night, times when I'm watching something or listening to music and someone just walks into the room and turns the television on and tells me to stop whatever I'm doing (when there is another TV totally available in their own bedroom). Loud belching and loud open-mouth chewing of food and talking with mouthfuls of food. Being told how wonderful they think they both are to me and how I'm ungrateful and that it's my own fault for how I "turned out" because I hang out with "losers." Being told by my father how he's so altruistic and noble and generous and that he's an "enabler" because he wants to put himself on this cross like he's such an amazing person, then I sit here and do his school work without a word of what I do for him. Being constantly told that I'd have nothing without them, yet if I ever bring up what I do for them, I'm "holding it against them" and that I'm disgusting for that. My father purchasing food that I don't want and then hassling me for not eating it, then later on pontificating about all the things he does for me and how I had some amazing "story book" childhood. And I didn't. This is every waking hour. I'm never alone. I've gone back to staying up all night and now I WANT to sleep late into the afternoon just so night time will come sooner.

It makes me want to put my fucking fist through a wall. I'm starting to feel borderline hatred. I'm not going to lash out or do anything stupid, though. All I can do is remain completely silent and stoic and try to keep as much distance as possible. Maybe anybody reading this might think that there's something wrong with me and that I'm being unreasonable. I think that a lot of people, if they were in my exact situation, would understand and perhaps feel the same way.

Yet I still can't drink. I still can't take any drugs. Even though I'm accused of it while remaining completely sober, and I know I'll be accused once again. All I want is a peaceful fucking day where I can actually feel alright. If I could just sell a bunch of random shit and get a hotel room by myself for one full day and night or something. Just be away from all of this. It's like there is no other solution but to stay away from my parents and my family for as much and as often as possible.

 

[Alex000]

I have said before I can sympathize, and I can, honestly. Lately, my family has driven me to "going crazy" for lack of a better term. We are good now, but still I can relate. You seem extremely anxious, and it seems you cannot change your situation, so you must deal with it in some way. I know you have a history of alcohol addiction, but I would really look into an anxiolytic (anxiety reliever) of some sort. Your anxiety is clearly more than just mild, and you are quite agitated. I think taking something to calm your nerves might be in your best interest so long as you make sure you handle any dependence that might occur in a safe manner. Benzos aren't a bad idea for you IMO, whether rx'd by a doc or not, they could help, whether used on a regular basis or as needed. A lot of people might not agree with my advice, but that is why is my advice. Another option that is OTC is valerian root, it comes in capsules/tablets or tea form, and actually is relaxing via GABAergic mechanisms. You shouldn't continue to suffer, you don't deserve it, and it will prove toxic for your mental health. Such anxiety could lead to severly disinhibited "fits" or a relapse into alcohol addiction, neither of which you want.

 

[herbavore]

Blahman, would it be possible to put it out somehow to your parents friends that you could pet/house sit? I just got back from house-sitting a friends house two blocks away from my own LOL and it was like a vacation!

 

[Missykins]

Blahman, would it be possible to put it out somehow to your parents friends that you could pet/house sit? I just got back from house-sitting a friends house two blocks away from my own LOL and it was like a vacation!

You can actually do this as a profession. You would have to become insured/bonded (protected against damages) and advertise your services.

Just get out of the house as much as you can. Go to the gym, some are as cheap as $10/month, or work out outdoors. Go to meetings, libraries (learn a language, other disciplines), find a charity that you can donate your time to. You could easily spend your entire day devoted to these activities, and you can use them as resume builders and a way to get references. Get motivated and disciplined. Take advantage of the time you have with no commitments.

 

[Alex000]

The above posts are very right. There are a large variety of activities in which one can participate with relative ease that could get you out of the house. Because they are your main stressors, time away from your stressors will help alleviate your agitation/anxiety. Something as simple as a long walk in your neighborhood or in a park would be a good option. Take day trips out of town, explore, and be free, or as free as you can be. Community service can be very rewarding as mentioned above. There are lots of things you can do to avoid them, and frankly it is in your best interest to do so because of the level of tension they are producing.

 

[Universal Master]

It is very hard for adult children to live with their parents. The adult child will feel like a child and not an adult. It is like a "twilight zone" situation where the 24 year old person feels as though they are 12 years old again and striving for independence. It's a very difficult situation to be in and hard for everyone involved. I think you will feel better when you are on your own and independent, not at the mercy of your parent's "goodwill."

 

[malakaix]

It is very hard for adult children to live with their parents. The adult child will feel like a child and not an adult. It is like a "twilight zone" situation where the 24 year old person feels as though they are 12 years old again and striving for independence. It's a very difficult situation to be in and hard for everyone involved. I think you will feel better when you are on your own and independent, not at the mercy of your parent's "goodwill."

This is very true.

I moved out of home when i was 18 and lived with housemates for a couple of years; i came back home around 22 and i instantly felt like i was a child again.. i'm almost 23 now and for the last 8 months have done my best to resolve lingering differences and create an equal relationship with my parents; which has proved to be successful as i get along with them rather well now.. but i believe there will always be a lingering notion of feeling like a child around them as long as im living with them. I mean ultimately i am their child and their my parents and it would be impossible to see it any other way.. and i can accept that, but the dynamic of living together seems to reinforce this on a daily basis and as an adult it's difficult to avoid that internal struggle of feeling like a child and the strive for independence.

 

[zetamine]

moved from my rents house to anywhere, barcelona when i was 16. just gtfo and care later, you need to leave what has become a very unhealthy arrangement asap.