Living life with my empathetic tendencies is extremely hard and is pushing me to the limit. If you do not know what an empath is I strongly suggest that you research them on the internet to gain a good understanding of how hard it is to live being such a sensitive person. I will do my best to explain through my experience in life. I'm sorry if this post ends up long and greatly appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
First off I'd like to say that I've spoken to my little sister about this many times as she shows the same "qualities" I show in the way she connects with people and reads vibes and we've agreed not to speak about this to anyone pertaining to ourselves, so you can't imagine how weary I feel about writing this.
I'm going to give you a short summary, though I could write pages of feelings I can vividly remember and feel again while remembering them.
Throughout my whole life I've been a very *sensitive* person to other people's feelings and people have been very drawn to me even in times of depression where I go out of my way to appear very uninterested. I have always pushed aside the fact that I can *feel* things from other people that really effect my everyday life. I have always just thought of it as I am opening up my energy to that person and it becomes in tune with their energy and I absorb theirs partly, really feeling their emotions. Until a few years ago I never *knew* I was empathetic, until I read a lot about it and there was no doubt in my mind. I am not sure I am a full blown empath but when I allow myself to open up my energy completely to someone I can manipulate their energy/ concentrate a certain energy towards them/ communicate my vibe to them without speaking. I really believe I am a child of god and that I was put here to suffer for those who don't feel or don't want to feel so they block it out. I had never allowed myself to open up to anyone in fear of the unimaginary pain I would feel for them until I met my current boyfriend, the love of my life. I was instantly connected to his energy though I hated his disposition and completely disliked his lifestyle, though I soon fell into it. I became a junkie and a thug and he used me for my company, drugs, money, and those rare moments we'd tell eachother everything we've never told anyone else. We soon began to date, though he treated me like he forgot who I was. I then sort of predicted our relationship would be very very difficult and that I would learn very much, and for the first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally tortured. My boyfriend was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder with psychotic episodes many years ago, and he shows signs of paranoid schizophrenia, manic, and he acts slightly sociopathic. He fed me all of his negative energy and being so dedicated to him I took all of his pain for him. I cry for him, get very ill for him, and hurt for him, though this is not what he wants. Seeing me endure all of his pain for him, he saw that there are people out there that aren't like the rest of the world and he fell in love with me. I opened up my energy to him completely KNOWING that if I did this, he would fall deeply in love with me. I have healed him by feeding him my positive energy and taking his negative energy away. I have saved him and he has found himself again and found god again...but do not mistake this curse for a blessing. I am completely ungrounded most days and my energy feels very vulnerable at all times. I feel the energies from people around me constantly and it litterally hurts my essence. I cry heavily multiple times a day, rarely if at all out of self pity, but feeling the pain of the world and the guilt. My boyfriend gets very frustrated that I cry so much, and he does not understand. It hurts me more feeling the negativity towards me in those times of utter vulnerability.
I have been self-diagnosed with very severe depression and general anxiety with panic attacks for over 6 years, and I'm pretty sure I have found the root of it in empathy. Throughout my life I have self mutilated (cut badly, beat myself in the head/face with objects or my fists, scratched my skin off) as a release for all of the sadness and negative energy I feel from people around me. It has caused me to grow to hate myself deeply and have a warped sense of perception of myself and the world. I believe it is causing me to show signs of schizophrenia and bipolar as well, and will kill me very soon if I can not control it. I'm pretty sure I've had atleast one heart attack in my lifetime caused by feeling the anxiety coming off of my boyfriend in a situation where wrong blame was placed on me for being dishonest. I felt what he felt and it scared me so I really freaked out.
I also sometimes learn things without actually learning them. I just *know* them. I somehow piece many many things together to the point where I have epiphanies that shake my energy.
I hope this spreads some knowledge of people like me and what I go through. Some people dismiss me as a drama queen but I wish they knew the severe pain I feel and the control my mind has over my energy.
If anyone experiences similar feelings, please tell me what you go through and if anyone knows how I can stop that feeling of my energy trying to leave my body, please give me some advice. I feel helpless sometimes and have nowhere to turn. Thank you
Wow. It is like I wrote this- minus a few parts......
I don't call myself an 'empath' though I may be considered one- I just consider myself very in tune
My best advice to you would be read as much as you can on turning off and on your 'abilities' or like I say often- I close my door. I put up a wall and cacn sometimes come off cold or detached b/c I can't handle the anxiety, pain, and the many mixed emotions that comes with taking someones energy. (Which is partly, though I rarely admit it, a part of why I prefer to be a recluse) Now though, I do allow myself to "channel" energies and do healings on people I love. My best friend for example has EXTREME pain (lots of trauma)- She was staying here and I asked her if she would be open to an energy healing- I don't think she realized how much it would take from me but she felt me pulling it out of her, knew what I was mentally repeating, and asked me after the first round if I wanted to stop (I had to for about ten mins) b/c I was sweating, shaking and it was not warm in the house
) I have also opened my door for my husband when he was trying to get off of alcohol. So my point here is that with a little bit of practice, you can teach yourself to shut it down or detach.....(its hard and took me many years.)
I feel really vulnerable even saying all this- I don't open up THIS much really about this subject.
I am not sure what all energies you "feel" and what you "know" - But if you are talking abut sensing spirits, I too understand this.
If you'd like someone to just talk to about it, you are more than welcome to PM me.
I understand how overwhelming it can be- how scary at times- and how draining it can be.
My biggest struggle is with spirits or wandering energies that I don't get from a physical object- I wonder if there has ever been a study on "empaths" or intuitive people (more open, b/c everyone is intuitive)- and panic disorder? Something I will have to look into......
I also can relate to the bf situation. My husband has Schizoaffective disorder. (Bipolar with psychotic features) That alone is VERY intense energy to take in- and when you love someone it is VERY difficult to take that in.
My husband also has some serious physical problems too and once we started getting into those it was a tru test of how strongly locked my door was. (It wasn't
) But I detach- my husband I think gets it nd knows that I can only take in so much.......
Anyway- This post is far more revealing and far more lengthy than originally anticipated:D
I was happy to read your post and please know, there are others out there in siomilar situations.
PM me anytime you need someone who can relate
