little brother

[kaleidoscopeeyes]

my brother is addicted to dxm. he has been using it excessively every day since june 2011. he has overdosed 3 times and been brought to the ER by other people because he wasn't breathing or responding. he has been to the behavorial hospital. he has attempted suicide and brought to the ER because he slit his wrists. he has been to rehab. he has been arressted more times than i can count. yesterday he got out of orleans parish prison and within a few hours was arressted again. my mom just brought him to the airport and used her last couple hundred dollars (she doesn't have a job) to put him on a plane to the city my dad lives in..which is also the city in which he got in the most of this trouble. she just called me crying saying she feels like it will be ten years til she sees him again. i feel like i will never see him again. he is suicidal when he's sober and recklessly abuses dxm. he was my best friend growing up. he is a different person now. i feel so sad all the time thinking about all of this.

 

[silentcowboy]

dang sorry to hear, it surprises me that people can get in such deep shit from DXM. I'd never be able to dose daily. Maybe a psych would help but they would probably put him on an ssri causing serotonin syndrome the next time he takes DXM

 

[stardust.hero]

I am so sorry you are in such a state of hopelessness in regards to your brother. I know how strong of a connection I have to my brother. Mine is still young and presumably on a good path so that puts me at ease but I can empathize with you and how it must feel to seemingly be losing someone so close.

There are groups that have been proven to be very helpful to a lot of people in your situation. I strongly believe the framework and proven track record of AA and also Alanon (which is the family/loved ones version of AA) are so helpful. Basically Alanon followers go through the same 12 steps that AA follows but it focuses on the fact that instead of you being helpless to your addiction as an alcoholic or drug user, you are helpless to your using loved one. It helps you learn how to cope with your hopelessness and complete and utter lack of control in regards to your brothers problems. It helps you learn that yes it is sad that you have no say in what he does but you do have a say in what you allow to affect you. It helps you let go but in a sane and methodical manner with a support group of people going through your same pain. It guides you and gives you a support and structure.

Alanon and AA are not just for alcoholics, although it may seem as though at first because of the name. The miraculous part of AA and Alanon is that the 12 steps are not specific to alcohol and they can be used in any addictive situation from alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, anything that causes an imbalance for that manner.

I know a lot of people are steered away from it right off the bat because it is intimidating. There are strict guidelines and mannerisms to to programs that make new comers not understand. A lot of times during your first meeting, in your haze of anguish and desperation you attend a meeting like this hoping for the ultimate answer. There are no answers as to why your loved one does what he does. It just happens. The program doesn't even allow that question to be exercised because it just distracts you from the healing process as you sit and try and justify "why" in your head. This is why the program can confuse and scare off a newcomer. When you bring up the "why" aspect you will get a lot of text book answers like "you cannot control an addiction." It's basically getting all of the answers you didn't want to hear by going there. What you have to understand is that these people are far into the program and they have begun to accept they have no control and dwelling on the abuser and allowing them to affect their life is pointless and unhealthy.

The program is hard to accept because it isn't comforting in the traditional manner. You have to go through a process of acceptance which is not what you want to do. You don't want to accept your loved one is in control of their own destiny and that you cannot affect their decisions. But it really does help you, and you WILL one day be able to live a life without worrying about him. Because as much as you love him, worrying about him is just hurting you. What is going to happen will happen whether you worry or not. So you might as well learn to live without it.

I hope this was helpful to you.

 

[herbavore]

Watching a wonderful person that you love completely lose themselves is one of life's most anguishing trials. My son was on a path very similar to your little brother. I know that my other son felt the helplessness that you do, too. Stardust is right about al-anon and nar-anon--they can be a life saver for families, friends and significant others. You don't even have to do the 12 steps if that does not appeal to you. There is much wisdom in the philosophy and so much support just to know you are sitting in a room full of other people from all walks of life, all ages and all points of view that still know exactly what you are going through. The other group that I found helpful was the NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) Family to Family class. Again, the support of the group as well as the education in the class were very helpful.

One of the things that is surely happening to your brother is a feeling of hopelessness and so he continues to take himself down further and further in an attempt to not prolong the agony. Anything that you can say or do to show him that while you see his self-destruction clearly, you do not see him as a terrible person or as a failure. It is difficult to set boundaries and be honest about what you are seeing and your feelings about what he is doing and still continue to express your love for him at the same time. I think the most important thing for families to do is to be the keepers of the flame of remembrance. When a person forgets his goodness, when he has lost all faith in himself and all hope for his future, we can try to be the ones that say,"underneath all this, I remember who you are. I remember your laugh and your goodness.I will keep my faith alive that you will find your strength. i cannot do it for you, but I will believe that you can do it."

I am so sorry to think what you must be going through. Much love and strength to you.

 

[stardust.hero]

Anything that you can say or do to show him that while you see his self-destruction clearly, you do not see him as a terrible person or as a failure. It is difficult to set boundaries and be honest about what you are seeing and your feelings about what he is doing and still continue to express your love for him at the same time. I think the most important thing for families to do is to be the keepers of the flame of remembrance. When a person forgets his goodness, when he has lost all faith in himself and all hope for his future, we can try to be the ones that say,"underneath all this, I remember who you are. I remember your laugh and your goodness.I will keep my faith alive that you will find your strength. i cannot do it for you, but I will believe that you can do it."

This is really great advice. That is so important. I know at the depths of my addiction I was driven farther away at the thought that "what is the point I am already a failure in everyones eyes. Maybe I should live up to my reputation." It made me let go of more than I "wanted" to because I figured what was the point in holding onto the last bit of normalcy and non addict behavior.

Whatever is going on though, remember, take care of YOURSELF.

 

[lars90]

I sadly have used DXM my self. If he stops now he might have chances of not having permanat damges form the use of DXM. It will how ever take 10 years of recovering filled with depreshions depersonalisation and cravings. I really hope he gets better, but if you dont do something now its gonna be to late soon send him to rehab. THis rehab has to be damn good and for atleast a year or 2.

I meen I my self only took DXM 6 times and I have brain damges that I still feel on week 10. Hmm he still has a chance but if hhe doesnt stop right away I dont see any chance for him anymore. You might as well tell him his 2 options. Ether stop now or die!


You might wanna scare him all though I dont know if this will change his mind about it but try giving him a pain pill like a ibprofin or asprin befor ehe takes DXM. That will just make the effekt last for 2 weeks. It scared me any made me stop but at that point i dont know if it will really matter.

 

[harlans]

I'm sorry to hear about this for you. I can give you a different perspective, though. I'm the one in my family breaking everyone's hearts. I've had 3 suicide hospitalizations inside of the last year and 1 detox stay. booze makes me want to die and i'm it's slave. my parents paid for me to go to rehab years ago and i managed to stay sober - through AA - for 5 years before relapsing HARD. The only thing I was able to respond to this time around was for my family to threaten to cut all ties with me. And this time i believed them this time. so, i have 38 or 39 days sober right now and it greatly eases my family's minds. I'm not saying you need to cut your ties, but i've heard many stories of that being the only thing that got through to other addicts and alchies i've heard speak.

one of my little brothers had a heroin problem and it was devastating for me to find out. i wanted to take it (the dependency) from him, but that's not possible. he can only save himself. no aspect of any of this kind of situation is fun or comfortable, but you have to take care of yourself - and he has to take care of himself. i hope he finds his way "back" soon...

 

[PeacePipeChief]

that must really suck man , i did this to my older brother and to be honest i cant imagine the pain i put him through and he doesnt show it , but i lived to tell the tail and weve mended our relationship and im really happy with that , good luck man .