listening

[onetwothreefour]

as usual, please feel free to critique this.

tonight i stood
and i saw everybody for a million miles
a clarity unopposed
unachieved
ever before

i felt my eyes burning holes into yours and i felt powerful
but you didn't notice
me

tonight i stood
and i saw everything, everywhere
yet i was nobody
nowhere
all at once

i felt that the silence had been lifted but i still couldn't speak
but nobody noticed
me

tonight i stood
and suddenly everything was clear
the only person listening
was me;
i just had to speak

 

[plazma]

Dude, this is a really nice piece of work.

As with all your pieces I've had the pleasure of reading.

-plaz-

 

[Raz]

If I was gonna nitpick...I would not have the "me" on their individual lines both times, I think it kind of disrupts the flow. But that's only because I'm looking for something to critique, otherwise I really like it.

 

[cherub]

critique,critique,critique,critique,critique ( hehehe)
acutally i think it is outstanding the way it flows and the outside looking in auroa about it ~1

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

I cant think of anything I want to change really, I actually think this is one of your best. Honest and good!

 

[onetwothreefour]

cheers guys

raz: i kinda wanted it to be stunted. i'm not sure why, and i'm also not sure if it actually works, but i just felt like it needed to be separated; an almost anti-rhythm.

it could do with some work.

 

[crshnbrn200]

i felt my eyes burning holes into yours and i felt powerful
but you didn't notice me

Love this. This overall is an outstanding poem. Keep it coming....

 

[iamtha1]

I feel like the 'me' makes the poem slightly self-indulgent.

But I particularly like

yet i was nobody, nowhere, all at once

Good stuff babe

 

[onetwothreefour]

poetry is about nothing if not self-indulgence

ty though