Liquid Prayers (need work I think)

[Rollingrrl]

So here's a poem I wrote a while ago, like this past summer. I was in a weird sort of place and I think it shows in the poem. I thought about fiddling with it and maybe revising some but I just can't get the vibe of it going agian. Any suggestions or advice are totally welcome. let me know whatcha think!

The Liquid Prayers

Once a wise man told me
tears are but liquid prayers
he a man of the cloth
a servant to a God that seemed
to despise my very existance.

I cry constantly, tears ever flowing
tears for the past, pain and despair
tears for the future at last part of a pair
love so strong and true that from
my eyes flow once again liquid prayers.

I was lost, waundering, cold and blind
You found me and with your love do bind
me to a bright future envied by others
that do seek us harm but we'll not heed
their hate, you are all I will ever need.

I still cry often, blue rivers from my eyes
I've formed an ocean of liquid prayers
an ocean of love and happiness that we swim
upon every day in every way no matter what
so yes I do cry but I am not ashamed of those
precious drops that fall, my liquid prayers for you.


~Shelly~

 

[haste]

I like this piece and I love the religious imagery and anguish.

Once a wise man told me
tears are but liquid prayers
he a man of the cloth
a servant to a God that seemed
to despise my very existance.

I like this and I like the confusion and vicious circle is presents to me - a man of god who tells me that tears are but prayers to god, and as we are his creation then the tears are his mechanism - but at the same time he has forsaken me and ignoring me. I don't know if I've actually described it well as what its made me feel, but there is a sense of frustration?

I cry constantly, tears ever flowing
tears for the past, pain and despair
tears for the future at last part of a pair
love so strong and true that from
my eyes flow once again liquid prayers.

I would have like to have see you explore the emotion of the tears abit more - delved deeper into their being, carrying on from the first stanza. Then you could move into the next two stanza's.

But sweety thats just my opnion and the main thing is that your feelings have been portrayed - I got alot out of it and I think its a lovely piece - I've never looked at tears as a prayer for hope - its a refreshing take on something thats often cliqued as just pain or happiness - its added an extra depth to it.