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vurtomatic

vurtomatic

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 14, 2001
Messages
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Location
New York
the kind that join
dots (separates earth (horizon) sky)
intersect like paths like rivers
meandering lines (our lives

that are boxes (we are trapped)
that fence (shapes) that define (limit)
us but (we try) have to
break (out(line)

of a visage (in the sky) fluffy white
so pretty so far cottony
your face is made of lines
((i cant trace)

between us by this thread
i hold to my ear your heart
beats a squiggly (line)
it echoes in (my hand

in your hand like paths
on a map our life(lines) intersect
and we chart our journey
(as we walk to

the end of (our) line (one thread)
a yarn of three fates they weaved
a tapestry (of lines) we lived
as they snip (we were but lines)
 
I wasn't sure what to think on first read, but on each subsequent perusal I have found something more to like each time!

I love the way each section flows into the next. Beauty with a twinge of melancholy. You write about life so well Vurt. It's often hard to express the emotion your pieces make me feel.

Don't stop writing!!

:)
 
Its an interesting read Vurt and quite an interesting style.

Just my opnion, but I find the use of words within brackets a little distracting and I feel that it interfere's with its flow - I'm not entirely sure if its the style or the extent to which its used that gives me this feeling. But hey, whats not pleasing to me can be pleasing to many others - and the main thing is that you feel comfortable that its conveying the emotions you intend. I just feel that its a laboured read (for me) as opposed to some of your others works such as Black Rose. I get the feeling that you are trying to add sub meanings to everything, or even elaborate on a feeling by the use of layers. I would be interested to see it re-worked in such a way that all these things had dedicated lines to themselves. I'm not sure if that would work in itself either, as there's the danger of making it too complex and taking away its raw emotion. I hope I've made sense though ;)

But enough critism from this jaded old rambling fool, the subject matter I like - and damn you once again you offer the reader little hope ;) I'm not sure if this is a chosen style and direction, or whether its a true representation of your emotions - maybe a little of both - but whatever it is, you do it extremely well.

Good stuff! :)
 
I love the way each section flows into the next.
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thanks kat, that was the intention which made it quite hard to edit the final drafts, to maintain the flow between stanzas that held different ideas while trying to join the last and first lines fluidly.

I get the feeling that you are trying to add sub meanings to everything, or even elaborate on a feeling by the use of layers.
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spot on again haste. this wasnt really a style i set out to write in, usually i go with something im working on and the style usually evolves itself, ad-lib. i've never written with a style or rhyme in mind, though to a large extent, there is a rhythm i've noticed that is quite consistent, probably from how i read or think internally.

the paranthesis were used liberally (maybe too) to expound, to juxtapose opposing ideas, to contain words that relate to the piece as a whole but not necessarily in context of a line, to denote the bits of the last line in a stanza that can be read with the first line of the next stanza... they pretty much mirror my thought process as i was thinking and writing this out, so im not surprised if it's messy ;)

i actually had quite a lot of fun (kinda) writing this (when im not confusing myself), trying to capture as much as possible, what and how, i was thinking with words and paranthesis, it was kind of an experiment and an exercise in a way.

I would be interested to see it re-worked in such a way that all these things had dedicated lines to themselves.
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im not sure if i could write it that way, it might lose the chaos that's naturally part of it... when i wrote it, one "effect"/image i was holding in my mind, was that of pick-up sticks (lines) strewn on the ground.
 
vurtomatic said:
im not sure if i could write it that way, it might lose the chaos that's naturally part of it... when i wrote it, one "effect"/image i was holding in my mind, was that of pick-up sticks (lines) strewn on the ground.
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You're right there, it would loose its chaos.
 
Vurt: interesting style (have you been reading too much E.E. Cummings?) but I liked it! I loved the themes within themes, all relating back to lines. I think you missed a few closing brackets though!!

:)Smiley
 
smileyfish said:
Vurt: interesting style (have you been reading too much E.E. Cummings?) but I liked it! I loved the themes within themes, all relating back to lines. I think you missed a few closing brackets though!!

:)Smiley
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thanks smiley, just me playing and experimenting as usual :) to answer your question regarding the closing parenthesis:

to denote the bits of the last line in a stanza that can be read with the first line of the next stanza
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i guess i didnt bring that across clearly in the poem in its execution, without having to explain it verbosely.
 
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