nepalnt21
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2016
- Messages
- 2,598
so like, is anyone else here a serial limerent?
i've had it since first grade
(still remember the scenery, the car even though we usually walked to school... the dress she was wearing down to the color and print, and her name (maybe that's helped cause i went to school with her again later on, but i digress). and looking back, i see that familiar longing and daydreaming about a relationship that could never be. i wasn't introduced to sexuality at this point in my life yet, but there was a je ne sais quoi feeling there that i still know i feel with limerence to this day.
so many times i've had it... but this was the very first i can remember.
ff to prolly 1/4 century later, got it a few times. hard.
(but i never knew what its name was until about a couple weeks ago)
here are but a few, if you care:
one (T) i still really feel, one of those periodic contact things that keeps it going. from when i met (T) to now, maybe prolly over a decade, maybe 15 years? met her in college. she had low self esteem and i thought i could help her or some shit, idk. she was also really into drugs, like a drug nerd so of course i'm vavavoom even without the limerence.
still feel it even though it's been prolly 5 years no contact with (T). she's married with kids, last time i checked. wish em well.
another was a relationship (D), lived together for the better part of a year... still felt (T) throughout, and then (P) came along out of the blue and i immediately tumbled into another; unfortunately, since i was young enough to be stupid and was kind of a self centered sleeze, i fucked it all up with (D) and didn't even end up with (P). i think (D) was cheating on me, anyway. at least my old therapist made me think so.
i fucked around for awhile and tried to force other women to fit into my "this is love" mold (spoiler: it's been limerence all this time, but even that can't be forced afaik), feeling down on myself for messing up a good thing i had with (D), never letting myself get too close to anyone. no leading them on.
anyway, finally i met someone that likes me a lot, and now i've been in a long term relationship with them for a decade, including married for 5 yrs, have 2 kids, and i've realized love is something that builds. it isn't some fireworks shit that happens within a week of meeting someone, that hollywood bullshit ass love. (no offense if u disagree or have a different experience).
with my wife (I), i never had the limerence feelings when we met. i never gave it a chance. i was busted up from a bad breakup with (D), didn't wanna hurt someone again, and it took many months (even years) to really let (I) in. really, only after a couple of years ago did i realize that my love for her fricking grows and grows. it ebbs and flows, really... like the cells of a plant growing flaccid and turgid, back and forth, the branches and leaves shooting ever taller, fuller, stronger.
she (I) saw something in me, and stuck with me (for better or worse) until i realized (on a rack of mushrooms, something like 10g dried plus some opce, iirc... wouldn't be a bluelight love story without the mind bending druggs)... she was THE one. even if a spaceship of cool aliens came to take me to see the stars, i'm staying here to make a family with (I). and that's what i (we) did. (note to cool aliens: we need fresh air and trees and shit from time to time and sunlight, oh and don't bottleneck us... diversity is the spice of life.)
love is a thing that we tend, we add to, we actively choose to heal and all that cheesy shit that's actually the meat and bits of it. teamwork, the goal to get mutually better. healthier.
(and then that sneaky 2x4 to the face)
coworker (M), known her bouta year, she's much younger (oh fucking help me, i didn't do this shit to myself on purpose); we chatted here and there for awhile but she worked in another department; thought she was kinda hot, kinda cool but nothing more. no feelings. just friendly.
ff to a couple months ago, she has moved into my department and it seems we hit it off right away. we would try and talk as much as we could without getting in trouble. people notice. people talk, all that shit... a couple ppl said they (prior to dept change) reckon'd we would be friends, and that's all it was... until a few weeks ago.
i realized i was catching those same unnamed feelings for this girl, that rosy... pit of the stomach, thinking too much about her, wanting to be around her all the time kinda shit... i didn't notice until it had already set forth to consume me. holistically and completely.
at some point i knew my crush was devouring me when a dark cloud had settled over my home life.
my wife and i have been having a few strong stressors lately, but nothing to rock the foundations. i've been trying to get off of a few crutches (including kratom and brugmansia all day daily for over a year, yes i know i'm fucked in the head), she's been dealing with a lot, but these past few weeks i've felt guilty, progressively moreso. it's gotten to the point where i would have to turn my head to hide a cry that tried to sneak out at dinnertime... i've been distant, i lost ten pounds in only a couple days from no eating. not just the anxiety of getting off the brugmansia etc., but the back and forth in my head.
there was a day about a week and a half ago where my wife mentioned a dumpster fire youtube channel she reddit- snarks on, and mentioned the word "limerence".
i at once was frightened, having heard the word before (i had this idea of puppy dog love, high school crushes etc. which might not be totally wrong, but is extremely simplifying it to the point of uselessness) and thinking my very sharp wife suspected me.
the moment stayed in my head, and over the next week, i read what i could on the subject, aaaaaalmost right away realizing thst this is what i was feeling, experiencing... living. it took some prompting from my therapist, but i was able to comfortably settle on the fact that i was in limerence, and certainly not for the first time.
(but this was the strongest yet. and i'm scared.)
my home life, continuing to suffer, i noticed was taking the backburner.
(M) is all i think about lately.
my wife finally asked me what was happening, and i tried to feign normalcy. she didn't buy it.
i realized i needed to tell her.
with a shaky voice, i asked to speak with her alone.
i knew she was thinking all the worst case scenarios, so i quickly and clumsily talked, through (as best as i could) snuffing out the waterworks.
my wife (I) was relieved, happy even! she said she was worried i was doing much worse, and she was impressed i figured this all out quickly and told her instead of continuing to lie. she even brought up a guilty thing of hers from years past, work crush (not cheating) type shit.
we both feel much better.
we are a team, and if i am taking my brain back, i need support and to feel comfortable and honest with myself and my partner, my best friend.
Limerence is a condition, and the feelings of existential importance and the heavens opening up for it to be just the two [the limerent, ie me nepalnt, and the limerent object... in this case, (M)] in perfect romantic harmony fairy tale love hollywood sheeeeeeyit.... it's just the chemicals man... not real love. sorry. maybe our monkey brains are trying to get us to nervously cast our seed out, but the patterns cannot be ignored. this is limerence. (i know it isn't in the dsm, afaik, but it has a damn pathology and treatments and shit)
attachment dysfunctions, going after the unavailable (emotionally, etc.)... basically the "unrequited love" of (for example) young werther. Limerence is a condition of the hopeless romantics.
really, i've seen it best called a person addiction. and it can be platonic (as mine was when i was in first grade).
i'm far from out of the water. i still think about (M) all the time.
[i could, for days past, not for the life of me get off with porn;
(M) was on my mind (and whaty's weird, for the most part, my feelings for her have been romantic and it's been hurdled to think of her in a sex scenario. i've just not been that horny. just this deep, primal want of her as a person.) i want to know her... face first. ]
finally (maybe it was the weed strain), last night i had the most powerful and long- lived orgasm thinking about (M) while masturbating. not sure it helps or harms, but i needed to ejaculate (i get weird pressures in my nuts if i don't at least once per week and i've been too distraught and distracted to masturbate lately... finally was able to and holy fuck).
anyway, the craziest thing is, after the mind- blowing orgasm was over and i was still in my euphoria, i started bawling. straight up ugly crying. for ten minutes straight. the guilt, the helplessness at my own brain escaping my grasp;
oh yeah the second craziest thing is i was thinking of her face and wasn't really able to get into really sexual places. a face got me a trip to the moon and back.
i felt better after it, and my wife and i had a great day today (i don't mention any of this anymore, really so as not to hurt her... and atm i feel more in control).
i know i can beat this (no pun intended), it will just take time. or some good ole NC (no contact). hope not, like the job.
________________
who else?
anyone here a serial limerent?
i've had it since first grade
(still remember the scenery, the car even though we usually walked to school... the dress she was wearing down to the color and print, and her name (maybe that's helped cause i went to school with her again later on, but i digress). and looking back, i see that familiar longing and daydreaming about a relationship that could never be. i wasn't introduced to sexuality at this point in my life yet, but there was a je ne sais quoi feeling there that i still know i feel with limerence to this day.
so many times i've had it... but this was the very first i can remember.
ff to prolly 1/4 century later, got it a few times. hard.
(but i never knew what its name was until about a couple weeks ago)
here are but a few, if you care:
one (T) i still really feel, one of those periodic contact things that keeps it going. from when i met (T) to now, maybe prolly over a decade, maybe 15 years? met her in college. she had low self esteem and i thought i could help her or some shit, idk. she was also really into drugs, like a drug nerd so of course i'm vavavoom even without the limerence.
still feel it even though it's been prolly 5 years no contact with (T). she's married with kids, last time i checked. wish em well.
another was a relationship (D), lived together for the better part of a year... still felt (T) throughout, and then (P) came along out of the blue and i immediately tumbled into another; unfortunately, since i was young enough to be stupid and was kind of a self centered sleeze, i fucked it all up with (D) and didn't even end up with (P). i think (D) was cheating on me, anyway. at least my old therapist made me think so.
i fucked around for awhile and tried to force other women to fit into my "this is love" mold (spoiler: it's been limerence all this time, but even that can't be forced afaik), feeling down on myself for messing up a good thing i had with (D), never letting myself get too close to anyone. no leading them on.
anyway, finally i met someone that likes me a lot, and now i've been in a long term relationship with them for a decade, including married for 5 yrs, have 2 kids, and i've realized love is something that builds. it isn't some fireworks shit that happens within a week of meeting someone, that hollywood bullshit ass love. (no offense if u disagree or have a different experience).
with my wife (I), i never had the limerence feelings when we met. i never gave it a chance. i was busted up from a bad breakup with (D), didn't wanna hurt someone again, and it took many months (even years) to really let (I) in. really, only after a couple of years ago did i realize that my love for her fricking grows and grows. it ebbs and flows, really... like the cells of a plant growing flaccid and turgid, back and forth, the branches and leaves shooting ever taller, fuller, stronger.
she (I) saw something in me, and stuck with me (for better or worse) until i realized (on a rack of mushrooms, something like 10g dried plus some opce, iirc... wouldn't be a bluelight love story without the mind bending druggs)... she was THE one. even if a spaceship of cool aliens came to take me to see the stars, i'm staying here to make a family with (I). and that's what i (we) did. (note to cool aliens: we need fresh air and trees and shit from time to time and sunlight, oh and don't bottleneck us... diversity is the spice of life.)
love is a thing that we tend, we add to, we actively choose to heal and all that cheesy shit that's actually the meat and bits of it. teamwork, the goal to get mutually better. healthier.
(and then that sneaky 2x4 to the face)
coworker (M), known her bouta year, she's much younger (oh fucking help me, i didn't do this shit to myself on purpose); we chatted here and there for awhile but she worked in another department; thought she was kinda hot, kinda cool but nothing more. no feelings. just friendly.
ff to a couple months ago, she has moved into my department and it seems we hit it off right away. we would try and talk as much as we could without getting in trouble. people notice. people talk, all that shit... a couple ppl said they (prior to dept change) reckon'd we would be friends, and that's all it was... until a few weeks ago.
i realized i was catching those same unnamed feelings for this girl, that rosy... pit of the stomach, thinking too much about her, wanting to be around her all the time kinda shit... i didn't notice until it had already set forth to consume me. holistically and completely.
at some point i knew my crush was devouring me when a dark cloud had settled over my home life.
my wife and i have been having a few strong stressors lately, but nothing to rock the foundations. i've been trying to get off of a few crutches (including kratom and brugmansia all day daily for over a year, yes i know i'm fucked in the head), she's been dealing with a lot, but these past few weeks i've felt guilty, progressively moreso. it's gotten to the point where i would have to turn my head to hide a cry that tried to sneak out at dinnertime... i've been distant, i lost ten pounds in only a couple days from no eating. not just the anxiety of getting off the brugmansia etc., but the back and forth in my head.
there was a day about a week and a half ago where my wife mentioned a dumpster fire youtube channel she reddit- snarks on, and mentioned the word "limerence".
i at once was frightened, having heard the word before (i had this idea of puppy dog love, high school crushes etc. which might not be totally wrong, but is extremely simplifying it to the point of uselessness) and thinking my very sharp wife suspected me.
the moment stayed in my head, and over the next week, i read what i could on the subject, aaaaaalmost right away realizing thst this is what i was feeling, experiencing... living. it took some prompting from my therapist, but i was able to comfortably settle on the fact that i was in limerence, and certainly not for the first time.
(but this was the strongest yet. and i'm scared.)
my home life, continuing to suffer, i noticed was taking the backburner.
(M) is all i think about lately.
my wife finally asked me what was happening, and i tried to feign normalcy. she didn't buy it.
i realized i needed to tell her.
with a shaky voice, i asked to speak with her alone.
i knew she was thinking all the worst case scenarios, so i quickly and clumsily talked, through (as best as i could) snuffing out the waterworks.
my wife (I) was relieved, happy even! she said she was worried i was doing much worse, and she was impressed i figured this all out quickly and told her instead of continuing to lie. she even brought up a guilty thing of hers from years past, work crush (not cheating) type shit.
we both feel much better.
we are a team, and if i am taking my brain back, i need support and to feel comfortable and honest with myself and my partner, my best friend.
Limerence is a condition, and the feelings of existential importance and the heavens opening up for it to be just the two [the limerent, ie me nepalnt, and the limerent object... in this case, (M)] in perfect romantic harmony fairy tale love hollywood sheeeeeeyit.... it's just the chemicals man... not real love. sorry. maybe our monkey brains are trying to get us to nervously cast our seed out, but the patterns cannot be ignored. this is limerence. (i know it isn't in the dsm, afaik, but it has a damn pathology and treatments and shit)
attachment dysfunctions, going after the unavailable (emotionally, etc.)... basically the "unrequited love" of (for example) young werther. Limerence is a condition of the hopeless romantics.
really, i've seen it best called a person addiction. and it can be platonic (as mine was when i was in first grade).
i'm far from out of the water. i still think about (M) all the time.
[i could, for days past, not for the life of me get off with porn;
(M) was on my mind (and whaty's weird, for the most part, my feelings for her have been romantic and it's been hurdled to think of her in a sex scenario. i've just not been that horny. just this deep, primal want of her as a person.) i want to know her... face first. ]
finally (maybe it was the weed strain), last night i had the most powerful and long- lived orgasm thinking about (M) while masturbating. not sure it helps or harms, but i needed to ejaculate (i get weird pressures in my nuts if i don't at least once per week and i've been too distraught and distracted to masturbate lately... finally was able to and holy fuck).
anyway, the craziest thing is, after the mind- blowing orgasm was over and i was still in my euphoria, i started bawling. straight up ugly crying. for ten minutes straight. the guilt, the helplessness at my own brain escaping my grasp;
oh yeah the second craziest thing is i was thinking of her face and wasn't really able to get into really sexual places. a face got me a trip to the moon and back.
i felt better after it, and my wife and i had a great day today (i don't mention any of this anymore, really so as not to hurt her... and atm i feel more in control).
i know i can beat this (no pun intended), it will just take time. or some good ole NC (no contact). hope not, like the job.
________________
who else?
anyone here a serial limerent?
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