Limbo

[suessmayr]

Well I'm nearly 18 days off the bupe and also 7 days off the valium (which I used for WD for 10 days) and 3 days off the codeine (which I used for WD for 14 days).

I feel like ass. I've never felt so thoroughly seedy. But it's not exactly even physical, apart from nausea and restlessness. It's just total apathy. Everything pisses me off. Not even, because that implies some degree of concern - everything is irrelevant, and my disinterest is complete. It's like I can barely move for all the unconcern.

So now I feel (in the words of another bluelighter) "like a miserable, sober fuck, instead of a miserable fuck on drugs".

I'd really love to hear some other people's advice as things at this stage just don't seem justifiable. It's like, why the fuck did I do this? I feel 10x worse. It's like physical and mental exasperation all the time. I actually felt better during the peak of physical WD, because my mind wasn't fucked.

 

[onthenodintulsa]

I know what you mean. I used heroin for many years and got on methadone when I moved out of state. I was on 150mg/day for a year and then lost my job so I had to quit the clinic. It's been just over five months since i got off the 'done and the not giving a fuck about anything kinda started to go away a little over a month ago.

I still get really annoyed by people and things, some days are fine and I feel really good but I overall I can tell things are still off a bit. I was definitely a more pleasant person on opiates. If my financial state was different there's no way I would have stuck it out for so long. The depression and anxiety I got were a million times worse than any physical withdrawal I've been through.

I'm by no means trying to discourage you, I have no idea what your situation was like besides what you mentioned, just offering insights as to what I went through. I hope things improve more quickly for you.

 

[burntserkits]

It does get better you guys. Time heals all wounds but it moves at its own rate. You just gotta ride it out and remember that. Working a program helps too but you have to really work at it in order to get something out of it. I know it seems a total cliche but it's true. Best of luck to you both

 

[onthenodintulsa]

Thanks for the encouraging words. Besides a month a couple years ago, this is the only time in the last ten years I've been opiate free so logically I know things aren't going to be better overnight. It would be a bit more motivating if things progressed a little faster though lol.

I've just been finding people in this town and my family so irritating that all I want to do is isolate myself. Holding a conversation has become very trying because all I want to do is tell them what they're talking about is fucking stupid and dull and ignorant but instead I just smile and put up with it and try to act like I halfway give a fuck.

 

[suessmayr]

Wow, 7 posts. Very emphatic. Did you relapse at all in the 5 months between quitting and now?

I never really had cravings before, or at least I could just make them stop, but now it is UNBEARABLE. Mainly it's directed towards the little valium I have. I must spend about 6 hrs daily debating with myself as to whether or not I should take some.

I had depression/anxiety before I found opiates, and I feel like now these have both flared up to an impossible degree.

 

[onthenodintulsa]

Haha sorry about that my phone kept telling me the site timed out and couldnt be reached.

No opiate relapse in five months. On one hand I know it's something I should be proud of but on the other hand, I wonder a lot if it's really worth it. I have done two shots of meth in the last five months, I hate that shit but who am I to turn down a free shot lol. That's the only thing I've done since getting off methadone.

I had some xanax to help get off the 'done so I know what you mean with the valium. I would do the same thing, debate about it all day. I usually wound up waiting till before I went to bed unless I had something important to do that day.

I have had pretty bad social anxiety my whole life which the heroin helped a lot so that has been a problem again since getting clean. Depression wasn't a big problem until I got clean. It has improved a lot recently though, it was bad enough for awhile that I thought a lot about suicide. It's mainly the anxiety that gets me now.

I get weird cravings for drugs I've only done a handfull of times, like crack. I hate stims unless I have some h to go with it but on several occasions I've seriously wanted some crack. Not sure what that's about.

For the longest time I had super vivid dreams every night that I was going to cop and I'd wake up right after I shot up. It was pretty disappointing to wake up sober haha.

I mean, it's been a slow road for sure but I can see some definite improvements so try to keep your head up. I've tried the NA thing a few times but it's not really my thing. It helps a lot of people so maybe give that a shot?

 

[suessmayr]

Man I relate deeply to your post. I couldn't imagine taking any uppers without taking downers after. Even when I had some beers the other night, the day after was SO difficult - because ordinarily I would just take a benzo/opiate on the day of the hangover.

I had a benzo habit previously. That must have ended about 8 months ago. After that I didn't have any benzos until I stopped the bupe, at which point I used a very little bit of valium nightly for about 10 days. My shrink and prescriber gave me some.

But now I don't know what to do, and I could use some perspective because I'm just going in circles: I haven't used any valium in nearly 8 days. I thought to myself that it wasn't really legitimate to use it unless I was in intense physical WD. But now, although the physical has mainly passed, my head is fucked. I don't think I've ever been so depressed and anxious. The self-loathing is exhausting. Negative, hateful inner monologue alll day. And I still can't sit still long enough to do anything.

Under these circumstances - and I'm not hoping for a 'yes' here, just some insight - would it be illegitimate to use the little valium I have left? Like every 3-5 days maybe? I've nearly taken some 4 or 5 times now, but every time have felt too guilty and stopped.

 

[onthenodintulsa]

I would take the valium. I remember feeling like that and it's fucking awful. Being in that place isn't good or healthy and I think it would be better to take it and get some relief. This isn't a fun process so anything to help, even just a little, is worth it to me.

Try to not beat yourself up if you take it. What you're going through is pure hell and one of the hardest things anyone can do. The fact that you've made it this far is wildly impressive.

 

[Asclepius]

^Agreed it is impressive!
Suessmayer, It sucks when you feel stuck and are left thinking nothing but whats the point if it feels so goddamn stagnant.
I would say after all the effort you have put in so far it is completely reasonable to feel this way. However, the temporary can feel like it is going to last forever and we can convince ourselves of such and sabotage any chance for a real change. If the process is taking time, it can seem like a dead -end now but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is one, ya know?
Have you been doing/trying anything different at all in other areas of your life?
Have you talked to your Docter about how you are feeling?

 

[suessmayr]

Thanks for the reply.

The thing that is bothering me most is the possibility that, by using valium for 10 days when I stopped bupe, I may have essentially re-addicted myself to it. If this is true, then using any valium now will just nullify all the bad days I've had since stopping, and I'll have to go through WD again.

Then I tell myself that 10 days is too short for a habit, given that the doses were so small and I only used at bedtime.

Then I say, well even if I'm not in WD and am getting better, I shouldn't take it because it could set me back and I may have to go through some discomfort again.

Then I think "well, my psychiatrist and prescriber know about my drug history and gave me valium anyway, so it must be ok to use it..."

And it just goes on and on and eventually I just become suspicious of the complexity of my own scheming and decide that something is not right.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I figadeelz u...get some St. Johns wort and some bud, that should help. Other than that just give it time and stay optimistic..

 

[suessmayr]

Hey Asclepius,

Sorry, I missed your post there. Yeah I've been thinking increasingly: 'this is about life changes, breaking patterns, so chilling at home with valium is not really a long term solution...'. I go to the gym daily and have been getting back in touch with people I let slip. I go to bed early, eat at least one meal daily, things like that.

I have just under 2 weeks until uni goes back and I really need to be feeling as good as possible by that time - I don't know whether to this end I should just tough it out, so that I'll have been 2 weeks 100% clean when uni goes back, or whether I should continue to use valium a couple of times weekly.

It almost seems like it would be better to just take it and stop thinking about it, than not take it but think about it all day.

 

[onthenodintulsa]

I have to agree with your last paragraph. Stressing about it all day could be doing more damage to your mental health. The chances of becoming physically dependant if you only have a small amount are pretty miniscule. From what you've said so far it sounds like you'd benefit from taking it, especially if you only take it a few times a week. To me, the added anxiety and stress from this could slow down the immense progress you've made. Only you know what you can handle and what is right for you though. Go with what you're feeling.