4 pills and a couple of my best friends...
The familiar scene, lights and crowd, dj on the stage, giving me a wave (hey Mike)
Not a care in the world tonight
Dance my heart out, til my stomach hurts
This is what... bliss feels like. I had forgotten.
No falling asleep at 9:00 this friday night, sitting in my house alone with my cats
Watching reruns and thinking about how i'm too lazy to get up and find the remote.
Tonight, i am taken back to a place that always felt more like home to me...
This was my family. This is my place in the world.
Some guy i've never met hugs me, and i dance with him.
The night is blissful, but imperfect.
I'm too dazzled and [whats a nicer word for fucked up?] to figure out what it is...
An hour later, sitting on a friends couch with a few of the most interesting strangers i've ever met...
It comes to me.
This is the part of the night where the lights have dimmed, and the music has faded...
All my friends have gone home, not wanting to watch the sun rise like we used to
I'm sitting in this living room like i've done so many times in the past
Spent a lot of sleepless nights in this house, being that its only half a block away from mine...
but it was always better to come here, and not be alone... Nick would make me a cup of hot chocolate, and we would watch cartoons.
No cartoons tonight... a sea of ever-changing faces... and there was no need in the world to be anything but... happy.
but yes, this is the time of the night where the magic has faded, and its just a matter of when will i pick my exhausted self up and walk home... my bed waiting for me with all the wonders of sleep and softness.
this is the part of the night where i would come home and cry... e-depression? yeah, probably... but more it was the time of the night where it finally kicked in that i had spent a perfectly happy night without you... and as soon as i got home, and you weren't there, i hated it. and then as the routine goes, i would call you up, while the sun came up, and we would talk for hours until one of us fell asleep on the phone. and it would alright again.
maybe that's why i wasn't going home.
i dont remember people leaving. i just remember that i was still sitting on that damn couch, and when i looked up, there was only a handful of people left, most of them sleeping. i tried to get Nick to let me help him clean his house (it was a wreck) but he wouldn't let me. he just said "Let it be."
Let it be.
God how i wish i could just let it be... i thought tonight was a symbol of my strength... but i've come to realize that it wasn't my strength at all... it was artificial strength... the kind that you get from a lot of drugs, some bangin' music, and a lot of really great friends.
...Blissful, yet imperfect.
I walked home alone. My house was eerily quiet; even the cats decided to get some sleep tonight. i sat down on my bed. it had never seemed this soft before. i looked over at the phone... and it made me cringe. this is the part of the night where you take all my inhibitions and dazzle them away with the sunrise. where you make everything in my life that is wrong, suddenly right itself.
knowing now what i know, that these past 2 years, you were the only thing wrong in my life that i couldnt bring myself to face, do i pick up that phone? will this story end with a smile or a tear?
there's nothing quite like falling asleep in your clothes after a party... the way you can still feel the pounding bass in your ears, the way you can still see a lightshow behind closed eyelids, the way your body still tingles after an amazing roll.
lying in my bed, watching the sun rise for the billionth time. thinking... the sunrise never seems to lose its magic.
and my phone rings.
it nearly gave me a heart attack. literally. i was almost asleep on a cloud of very fragile brilliance. trying so hard not to think about you. trying to just savor the wonderfulness of this night. and then like a lightning bolt through my calm skies, the phone rings.
8 times it rang. and i answered it. almost breathless. i didnt even give you a chance to speak... i didnt want to hear your voice. i didnt want to know WHY you were calling, and i didnt want to hear what you have to say. you cannot ruin this sunrise for me.
and i die all over again. because its not you, its just Nick calling to make sure i got home ok, and wish me sweet dreams.
will you never let go of my heart? will the memories, fake as they were, continue to tug at my heart with such urgency that i cant sleep until you call to say goodnight? will a few hours of freedom from thought of you always end in twice as many hours of hurt? i go on with my life, because i have no choice... i slowly slowly build up what has the skeleton of a future that does not include you, only to have it smashed to pieces at the sound of your voice, or at the mere thought of you. i find a way to be someone, all by myself, and then its always YOU, always, that somehow makes me lose that feeling... you come into my life in mysterious ways, sometimes through my front door, but mostly just through my head... and i die all over again.
and it seems that now, no matter how hard i try, i can never fall asleep to the sunrise like i used to. the sunrise, sadly, has lost all of its magic, and replaced it with nothing but weariness and hate.
and i wonder if i'll ever be myself again.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"There's a part of me, that i forgot to be. Take a look and see, the light still shines in me." ~~ Milk, Inc.
The familiar scene, lights and crowd, dj on the stage, giving me a wave (hey Mike)
Not a care in the world tonight
Dance my heart out, til my stomach hurts
This is what... bliss feels like. I had forgotten.
No falling asleep at 9:00 this friday night, sitting in my house alone with my cats
Watching reruns and thinking about how i'm too lazy to get up and find the remote.
Tonight, i am taken back to a place that always felt more like home to me...
This was my family. This is my place in the world.
Some guy i've never met hugs me, and i dance with him.
The night is blissful, but imperfect.
I'm too dazzled and [whats a nicer word for fucked up?] to figure out what it is...
An hour later, sitting on a friends couch with a few of the most interesting strangers i've ever met...
It comes to me.
This is the part of the night where the lights have dimmed, and the music has faded...
All my friends have gone home, not wanting to watch the sun rise like we used to
I'm sitting in this living room like i've done so many times in the past
Spent a lot of sleepless nights in this house, being that its only half a block away from mine...
but it was always better to come here, and not be alone... Nick would make me a cup of hot chocolate, and we would watch cartoons.
No cartoons tonight... a sea of ever-changing faces... and there was no need in the world to be anything but... happy.
but yes, this is the time of the night where the magic has faded, and its just a matter of when will i pick my exhausted self up and walk home... my bed waiting for me with all the wonders of sleep and softness.
this is the part of the night where i would come home and cry... e-depression? yeah, probably... but more it was the time of the night where it finally kicked in that i had spent a perfectly happy night without you... and as soon as i got home, and you weren't there, i hated it. and then as the routine goes, i would call you up, while the sun came up, and we would talk for hours until one of us fell asleep on the phone. and it would alright again.
maybe that's why i wasn't going home.
i dont remember people leaving. i just remember that i was still sitting on that damn couch, and when i looked up, there was only a handful of people left, most of them sleeping. i tried to get Nick to let me help him clean his house (it was a wreck) but he wouldn't let me. he just said "Let it be."
Let it be.
God how i wish i could just let it be... i thought tonight was a symbol of my strength... but i've come to realize that it wasn't my strength at all... it was artificial strength... the kind that you get from a lot of drugs, some bangin' music, and a lot of really great friends.
...Blissful, yet imperfect.
I walked home alone. My house was eerily quiet; even the cats decided to get some sleep tonight. i sat down on my bed. it had never seemed this soft before. i looked over at the phone... and it made me cringe. this is the part of the night where you take all my inhibitions and dazzle them away with the sunrise. where you make everything in my life that is wrong, suddenly right itself.
knowing now what i know, that these past 2 years, you were the only thing wrong in my life that i couldnt bring myself to face, do i pick up that phone? will this story end with a smile or a tear?
there's nothing quite like falling asleep in your clothes after a party... the way you can still feel the pounding bass in your ears, the way you can still see a lightshow behind closed eyelids, the way your body still tingles after an amazing roll.
lying in my bed, watching the sun rise for the billionth time. thinking... the sunrise never seems to lose its magic.
and my phone rings.
it nearly gave me a heart attack. literally. i was almost asleep on a cloud of very fragile brilliance. trying so hard not to think about you. trying to just savor the wonderfulness of this night. and then like a lightning bolt through my calm skies, the phone rings.
8 times it rang. and i answered it. almost breathless. i didnt even give you a chance to speak... i didnt want to hear your voice. i didnt want to know WHY you were calling, and i didnt want to hear what you have to say. you cannot ruin this sunrise for me.
and i die all over again. because its not you, its just Nick calling to make sure i got home ok, and wish me sweet dreams.
will you never let go of my heart? will the memories, fake as they were, continue to tug at my heart with such urgency that i cant sleep until you call to say goodnight? will a few hours of freedom from thought of you always end in twice as many hours of hurt? i go on with my life, because i have no choice... i slowly slowly build up what has the skeleton of a future that does not include you, only to have it smashed to pieces at the sound of your voice, or at the mere thought of you. i find a way to be someone, all by myself, and then its always YOU, always, that somehow makes me lose that feeling... you come into my life in mysterious ways, sometimes through my front door, but mostly just through my head... and i die all over again.
and it seems that now, no matter how hard i try, i can never fall asleep to the sunrise like i used to. the sunrise, sadly, has lost all of its magic, and replaced it with nothing but weariness and hate.
and i wonder if i'll ever be myself again.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"There's a part of me, that i forgot to be. Take a look and see, the light still shines in me." ~~ Milk, Inc.
