Mental Health Lifelong illness and drug-free life

[FnX]

I would like to hear some personal opinions about this, whether you're diagnosed with something serious or not. I've been at a dilemma for years. Few years ago I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but I refused this diagnosis furiously (and I've kept pretty silent about it). I've been a 'customer' of the mental health services for almost 10 years now and I've tried almost every anti-depressant, anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer they could think of. I had extremely bad reactions to all of them, I feel like they do not make me any more functional than I am, they actually seem to take away the little functionality I possess. Some of them help with paranoia though.

Now, again and again I've been told by multiple doctors, psychiatrist and even some high ranking professor in a big hospital that I will have to take drugs that affect my psyche for the rest of my life if I wish to live a life without suffering. It has gotten to the point where my current psychiatrist just shrugs at me says "well you can always hope they invent better drugs". In other words, pretty desperate. I have asked for some unconventional things like muscle relaxants and beta-blockers for anxiety because I did not want to take the benzos they were offering me, but the psychiatrist simply told me that "we don't prescribe those things here". I'm simply too tired to fight and look for a private doctor (again).

Now I've found a few rather unconventional things that seem to help with my mental problems better than anything else I've tried, but the problem is, I will never get a script for them. Things like extremely low dose bupe (I barely use opioids otherwise, I have experimented some though) and cannabis. Is it morally wrong to use these substances (because they're illegal when used without prescription) to become a functional member of society? No matter what road I choose, the end result is drug addiction. I would sincerely prefer a life free of drugs, but that would mean I can't function and I essentially become a parasite of the society living on the tax money of others (disability pension).

Society has given up it's hope on me, I can't get to government sponsored therapy or anything (regarded as disabled) and I can't afford to pay it from my own purse either. I suffer constantly and pretty much every day is an anhedonic struggle. I don't do substances to enjoy myself, just to reduce suffering and to feel... normal (as I perceive others to be). I actually dislike intoxication, but my mind is so fogged sober sometimes it's just sad.

Right now, I maintain myself with daily 0,5mg clonazepam, a portion or few of alcohol and cannabis to sleep. I try to keep it at the bare minimum I can, and when I see my tolerance rise I deliberately suffer a bit to reduce my tolerance. I've been through a really tough benzodiazepine withdrawal so I know how horrible drug addiction can be (4 years of daily clonazepam, thousands of pills). All things in consideration, I'm still contemplating of trying approximately 0,25mg bupe daily for a few months. I believe this could allow me to actually have a part time job, take care of myself and my family better and actually DO something in my life. If I do nothing I might as well kill myself, seriously. 0,25mg bupe a day isn't a big habit at all, it's ridiculously minimal compared to what most people do here on bluelight. It will result in addiction and dependency but that shit will be nothing compared to what I've been through or have to go through every day, I'm pretty sure of that.

I just don't know what to do... I just don't know... a little help in the form of opinions please?

 

[webbykevin]

when you don't take any drugs at all, how do you feel ?

 

[Mysterie]

just so you know beta-blockers such as propranolol are only really useful for stage fright

they stop the physical manifestations of anxiety but dont help with the psychological (main issue imho)

can you source bupe on the black market? are you sure cannabis isn't worsening your anxiety?

 

[FnX]

just so you know beta-blockers such as propranolol are only really useful for stage fright

they stop the physical manifestations of anxiety but dont help with the psychological (main issue imho)

can you source bupe on the black market? are you sure cannabis isn't worsening your anxiety?

The physical manifestations of anxiety make it really hard for me to deal with the psychological part, if they are eliminated from the equation suddenly the anxiety becomes a lot more manageable. Things like shaking hands can turn into sort of positive feedback loop where the shaking itself is making you shake more and more. The physical aspect of anxiety is greatly aggravating the mental part for me. Cannabis is a tricky drug, I strongly feel like it's pretty much the CBD I'm after, it keeps my psyche stable over the long term, but THC and some of the other cannabinoids can trigger acute episodes of anxiety, but I'm really fine with that because it's mostly just before the bed.

when you don't take any drugs at all, how do you feel ?

Empty, depressed, anxious, fearful (paranoid, but it's not obvious when it's happening always), mentally foggy, can't seem to start any task, emotionally blunt, stupid, cognitively disorganized, constantly hyper-aroused... I just have this tendency to sit there and stare and do nothing, all day long, day after day. Sometimes I just spend the whole day in bed squirming with anxiety and the urge the do something but being unable to do anything, it's very hard to explain properly, it's like I'm sitting in a car and wanting to go somewhere but the car just doesn't budge no matter how frustrated I am. I have experiences that most people don't seem to share, but I truly believe all reality is subjective. It can take days of mental preparation to do something like the laundry, or it might just happen spontaneously if the stars are aligned. Usually doing even the most simple task leaves me completely drained for the rest of the day, like I was moving mountains.

My thoughts tend to get loopy and I'm often stuck thinking about one thing, it's usually something anxiety related, but not always, I might loop some total verbal nonsense in my head with no proper meaning. My body and psyche is totally unpredictable, I might suddenly get hyper-aroused at the night and if I'm going through a strictly drug free period, this usually means I won't sleep and my sleeping pattern can be wrecked for who knows how long, it's impossible to have any sort of daily routines when you don't know what's going to happen to you tomorrow or even after a couple of hours. Something seemingly insignificant might trigger something in my head and suddenly I just snap into somekind of extreme emotion like sadness, anger, even sort of maniacal laughter but I obviously try to suppress it all like a kettle that's about to boil over. There are all sorts of other things too, the question of "how do you feel" was a bit vague. I'm having a fucking hard time accepting all of this, seriously. All my life I've just brushed off all the talk about psychosis, psychotic disorders and schizophrenia as incompetence of the doctors, bullshit they tell you just so they can prescribe you anti-psychotics to make you shut up. I still don't know what to make of it all, but because of the transient nature of my paranoid ideation and delusions, I can't but admit that something is wrong and it really has psychosis written all over it. It's like one moment I think my girlfriend is part of a huge conspiracy just to make me suffer, things get really scary and I start doing retarded shit like asking questions that are disguised as other questions to find out what she's up to or whatever, then later, perhaps next day, I don't feel like that at all. It feels like crazy fantasy, a dream, but I remember that at the time it felt so real. So I ask myself, was it real, or was it just my imagination? And the fact that I don't know is giving me the leverage to fight it.

I was just really hoping that, for example someone with a physical condition who has to take pain-medication for the rest of their lives would give an opinion how they feel about all that. Do you feel like you are a prisoner of the medication or does it liberate you from your disability? Do you have dreams of being drug-free even if it means you will be disabled and in pain, perhaps when you're old enough to retire completely? Diabetics, bi-polars and everyone else is welcome to share too. I would think this is a common problem in a way because of how the pharmaceutical industry works, they don't fix people, just patch them up ad infinitum.

 

[herbavore]

This woman, Elyn Saks, just gave an amazing interview on National Public Radio a few weeks ago. Here is a link to what she wrote in the NY Times about her schizophrenia. I think you may find it very helpful and inspiring. I wish that you could actually find a psychiatrist that respects your knowledge of your body as well as your knowledge of the effects of drugs so that you could have a conversation rather than being talked down to.

 

[syrp]

Unfortunately i wouldnt like to form an opinion but your right ive been in the same boat for around 10 years. Finally got me on something thats actually working. Keep hunting, find the right doctor.

I would like to hear some personal opinions about this, whether you're diagnosed with something serious or not. I've been at a dilemma for years. Few years ago I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but I refused this diagnosis furiously (and I've kept pretty silent about it). I've been a 'customer' of the mental health services for almost 10 years now and I've tried almost every anti-depressant, anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer they could think of. I had extremely bad reactions to all of them, I feel like they do not make me any more functional than I am, they actually seem to take away the little functionality I possess. Some of them help with paranoia though.

Now, again and again I've been told by multiple doctors, psychiatrist and even some high ranking professor in a big hospital that I will have to take drugs that affect my psyche for the rest of my life if I wish to live a life without suffering. It has gotten to the point where my current psychiatrist just shrugs at me says "well you can always hope they invent better drugs". In other words, pretty desperate. I have asked for some unconventional things like muscle relaxants and beta-blockers for anxiety because I did not want to take the benzos they were offering me, but the psychiatrist simply told me that "we don't prescribe those things here". I'm simply too tired to fight and look for a private doctor (again).

Now I've found a few rather unconventional things that seem to help with my mental problems better than anything else I've tried, but the problem is, I will never get a script for them. Things like extremely low dose bupe (I barely use opioids otherwise, I have experimented some though) and cannabis. Is it morally wrong to use these substances (because they're illegal when used without prescription) to become a functional member of society? No matter what road I choose, the end result is drug addiction. I would sincerely prefer a life free of drugs, but that would mean I can't function and I essentially become a parasite of the society living on the tax money of others (disability pension).

Society has given up it's hope on me, I can't get to government sponsored therapy or anything (regarded as disabled) and I can't afford to pay it from my own purse either. I suffer constantly and pretty much every day is an anhedonic struggle. I don't do substances to enjoy myself, just to reduce suffering and to feel... normal (as I perceive others to be). I actually dislike intoxication, but my mind is so fogged sober sometimes it's just sad.

Right now, I maintain myself with daily 0,5mg clonazepam, a portion or few of alcohol and cannabis to sleep. I try to keep it at the bare minimum I can, and when I see my tolerance rise I deliberately suffer a bit to reduce my tolerance. I've been through a really tough benzodiazepine withdrawal so I know how horrible drug addiction can be (4 years of daily clonazepam, thousands of pills). All things in consideration, I'm still contemplating of trying approximately 0,25mg bupe daily for a few months. I believe this could allow me to actually have a part time job, take care of myself and my family better and actually DO something in my life. If I do nothing I might as well kill myself, seriously. 0,25mg bupe a day isn't a big habit at all, it's ridiculously minimal compared to what most people do here on bluelight. It will result in addiction and dependency but that shit will be nothing compared to what I've been through or have to go through every day, I'm pretty sure of that.

I just don't know what to do... I just don't know... a little help in the form of opinions please?