Life

I’m nodding off at the university computer. Not because I’m high, but because I’m tired. From being high last night - It’s something I’m used to. Even if I had the money, I wouldn’t go and get high right now though. My stomach feels fragile from the excessive amounts of sorbitol I had to consume with my drug last night, because there’s no way unfortunately to remove it from the good opiate stuff.

I have a 1200 word essay to write, and it’s already 3 days late. I would be extremely lucky to pass, and every day that goes by without me starting reduces the likelihood of a pass grade even more. If this isn’t done today or tomorrow, I’m screwed. But it’s hard to start, and I’m here typing this instead. Sometimes, people say, the best thing to do is JUST START.

I haven’t masturbated in three days. Opiates make it hard to reach a satisfying climax. Instead more time than is worth the effort is spent grunting and straining while concocting the most potently sick sexual fantasy possible. Even then, I might not get lucky. What would be a nice distraction right now, a way to procrastinate healthily, would be to have a wank. There are more beautiful women doing nursing then you could count – even so, funnily enough, I’m not a fan of a nursing fantasy. The outfits are barely as sexy as they show in pornos. Mainly long pants and button up shirts. What would be better, is a blowjob, right here in the library, in the corner, just a quickie. Why is voyeurism taboo?

Days and weeks go by like nothing. It’s hard to stay interested in University. For the next three years, just to pass, I’ll have to work hard. I’m not good at that. I’m lazy. What makes it worse is that I’ll have no money either. Even if I got a casual job, the money would go to stupid things on the weekend. I won’t be able to save a substantial amount to do anything fun like travel or make any large purchases – the 100 or so bucks a day I make will go toward my chemical delights to take the edge of the week that has passed and ease me into the week to come. My cousins are pursuing doctorates and masters and are working to earn money every second they are not studying - something my father likes to remind me of constantly. Again, I’m lazy. But I know myself. I’m a drifter.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I want, because it’s incongruent to what my parents want and what they expect. Not that it has ever been any different. Extraordinary stress – first world problems – based on my status. Scrap the idea of my parents just wanting me to be happy. That’s not true, and it disgusts me when they pretend it’s so. I would appreciate honesty more – a bit of owning up to their own vanity and egos, would be nice. Never once have I had an agreement or reassurance that no one really knows what’s best in life – that everyone struggles, that most people don’t know what’s right for themselves let alone anyone else.
Still, I push on. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. That’s enough.

 

When I read this, I swear I heard this loud, sarcastic, but jokingly say "Sound maybe slightly familiar? Remind you of ANYONE we know? Wink wink" Ah shut the fuck up, I answered myself then added the word please. I'm assuming you're probably in the 18-20 age range. That was SOO me flashback to the years 1983-1984 in college except for minor details like long hair, Jimi Hendrix + a dash of marriage a juana. Translation, I was a pot head, opiate addiction a good 7 yrs away & at the time I did enjoy my classes, & it had been my dream to be a licensed psychologist with my own practice.

I've never been lacking in dreams. Hell I've got plenty of THOSE. My biggest downfall, however if I had to pick my biggest problem out of the 7 deadly sins, lets see anger,pride,envy,gluttony,lust,greed, & sloth--sloth wins #1 hands down. Although I never had an addiction to pot, it's just about the only drug I actually enjoyed, but didn't have to chase the way I did coke before the 90's an 1st crank, then meth came along, an finally my Rx dope opiate/barb 2 in 1pill combo. Even young this damn mind fuck I've always had goin on prevented me from putting my energies towards most goals, unless it was putting in my 8-10 hr day of work.

I expected and didnt mind that, but away from work had to be my party time. I could have gone to medical school if I had wanted an my parents would have paid for it, but I was horrified at the thought of sacrificing my 20's and abandon the much more rational (haha) choice of partying, so I guess I really showed my dad by (unintentionally) becoming a full time drug addict instead lol. I'm not suggesting that you will too & thankfully after my dad moved out of state when I was 24, he never did find out I became a strung out dope fiend at 26 or eventually went to jail at 30. It wasn't until age 41 my career with the revolving doors of our not so chem friendly penal system REALLY began.

By this time I had been hardcore needing daily fix as an IV meth user, though miraculously still employed. I do know how hard it is to begin a project, especially when you've no idea how to start. Even in grade school with a vivid imagination an a talent for writing, it was VERY frustrating not having a clue when asked to write how the mountains started, or the grand canyon, or forests and deserts came about as a fictional story for entertainment. Given the same task now or after age 32, it would be a breeze. Drugs helped get past the fear initially of what if what I write is crap, and with alot of practice (and dope) meth an pills became my inspiration food for enthusiasm and ideas.

I suspect part of the reason drugs work so well, even for a 30 yr veteran of dope for artistic ventures is they help block the logic left brain dominated society demands we be and bypass it and access the right side brain, the creative realm. In terms of laziness, looking back, I wish that I HAD not merely attended college, but put down the dope an just done the flippin reading and assignments aka homework involved. It wouldnt have killed me. And the drugs, they arent goin anywhere. They were here long before I entered the world and will be here as long as people exist.

At 18-20, I had no idea what I'd be doing or wanted to do career wise that didnt require college degrees. I got a job at 21 in the medical field that was willing to train me an had no experience. That made me want to go to (and finish) a trade school in nursing which had been my career 26 yrs. It helped me the times when I DID do the homework to ask for help from good, willing teachers if I got stuck an that spiked the momentum an put the laziness on the back burner. I wish Id have kept that up all the time cause my confidence levels would have gone way up an perhaps I could have advanced in my career instead of settling for low payin jobs. If only. .

Food for thought. Im now almost 50, and my accomplishments show that of almost nothing.

 

Hi TJ, I know this was a while ago and I feel slightly guilty about only replying now but I feel I should. You have an interesting story, and it is definitely food for thought. I wonder how you feel about life now? Are you content? Still in the medical field? It's reassuring to read stories about addiction which DON'T end up in the individual homeless and insane from IV use (not that I BELIEVE that's the case, but that seems to be the prevailing societal conception regarding drug use on "that" level-) and I have enough self-assuredness to say I will never likely walk that path myself.