eidolon
Bluelighter
Life
So just how did I get here, to this place that I am in my life? I can think back as far as I can and I can try to chart it all out, but I still can't quite figure it all out. And now, as you sit there and read this you're trying to think of what I am talking about. I am talking about anything and everything in life. Not just mine, but yours too.
Do you ever do this? You could be doing anything; sitting at your computer, watching t.v., driving somewhere, or just laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep and your mind begins to drift off and you start thinking about your life. Sometimes you think about it and you smile. Other times it makes you sad. And why? I do that a lot actually.
I consider myself to be a happy, positive, and outgoing person. Am I truly where I want to be in life at this particular time? Are you? How do you determine if you are? Money? Love? Fame? What does it for you...or any of us? I do think that it is different for all of us. We all have different factors that determine our own happiness. Our past maybe? What happens to us in the past can determine our happiness in the future.
Our childhood. Now that is supposed to be the care free days of youth right? Now don't get me wrong, I had my fun as a child. Playing with friends, riding bikes, clubhouses. But when was divorce supposed to be put into the mix? I mean hell, everyone of you are or have been in a relationship where you tell your partner "I am only going to get married once, and that's it." Bullshit, it just doesn't happen anymore. Especially in the 90's. Maybe that's why I lay in bed some nights and think that my life is so fucked up? The divorces, the seperations, all the moving around, the different schools? Never being stable in one place to give me time to figure out who in the hell I was or what I wanted. All the strain and all the fights. I know for a fact that with most kids with a childhood filled with trouble, chaos, instability, and not enough love, that the kid really has no choice but to grow up a lot faster. They tend to be a lot more mature. Why? Because they didn't have a choice. Should that truly effect the course of a persons life. Yeah I think so. I made all kinds of unhealthy decisions growing up. I just didn't know better. Most kids have to learn the hard way. This is the single parent generation. I know that when you get married you don't plan on getting divorced, but people have to realize that it does happen. And who does it effect? Thst's right, the children. If your married and have no kids, fine do what you want, at least you can only fuck up your own lives. If you are married and do have kids, use your brain. Why in the hell would you want to make your child grow up so much faster than they already do? Yeah, hit the bottle again. Abandon your child. Work 100 hours a week. Who needs to have a relationship with their children? Get a grip parents. Your actions and your decisions are what affect the outcome of our adolescence.
Relationships...Why does it always seem like we get hurt all the time? Why are we so vulnerable? Do we crave attention because we didn't get it as a kid and will take it from the first person we see? Okay, I admit it. I'm guilty of it. I have never been unfaithful in a relationship in my life, not once. Have I been cheated on before? Yup. It gets to the point that you really start to think. Ya think "yeah, I do want someone I can trust. Someone that will be there for me." And what happens? SMACK! You get hurt again, one way or another. What I tended to do was builing these defense mechanisms. Keeping people at arms length, not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. After awhile it starts to hurt because you're not close to anyone. And keeping people at a distance only keeps you from being happy. People are going to get hurt all the time. Fact of life. It happens, always will. But why ruin the chance at finally being happy because you're scared of getting hurt again? Why is it that we always go for the same type of people? The ones that are gonna hurt us? Not me, not anymore. Maybe that's why I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year? I know that I am picky in the first place, but I was just tired of all of the bullshit I had to put up with. The emotional struggles, all the hurt, and anguish of getting over someone. I' through with that. I am getting on with my life and looking for her. Who? the one that is going to make me want to love and be happy again. How about you? What do you want? Are you happy?
Career? I have a steady, professional, good paying job. Does that make me happy? Not really. To be honest, I am still that 12 year old kid that doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. I have all kinds of interests, but can't seenm to think of one that would make me the happiest. I think that I am too diverse. I think for me that it will be one of those things, that when it happens, I'll know it. Eveyone is different. Some people know, some don't and that's about all there is to that. As long as you are happy, then do it. If you're happy trading stock on wall street, more power to ya. I f you really enjoy the smell of fresh fries coming out of the deep frier, then go for it. But no matter what happens, if you have a dream, don't let anyone keep you from achieving your goals. It's your life, so live it.
Frienship? Now their is a good one. I have friends that i have had since I was a kid. We have all changed and evolved. Why do we stay friends? obligation? Sometimes it's just expected i suppose. I have lost contact with friends that i wish I hadn't, and grateful of others. I think of friends in a different light. I consider my Mom a great friend. I consider my older brother a great friend. I look for that elusive girlfriend that will be my eternal bestfriend. I have people that I hang out with, some I consider friends and others good aquaintances. I do have my bestfriends though. From the past, the present and I know that a couple of these people will continue to be so in the future. Others will taper off over the years. Keep your friends close to you. One thing you will alwys need in life is unconditional support, and you will find that with your closest friends.
Why have I decided to talk about this? Who knows. There has been a lot of shit on my mind lately. Don't get me wrong, i am a happy person and i do like my life. Change can only be a good thing, and things change for a reason. Sometimes you can't control the changes, but when you can, take advantage of it. 80 years may seem like a long time, but life is way too short. Carpe Diem right? I believe that. I believe that life is a very precious thing. You are going to get hurt along the way, that's inevitable. But it doesn't have end there. Something else is waiting for you, find it. If yu think that something will make you happy, go get it waith all you have left. I truly can't wait for things in my life to happen. I love getting up everyday and waiting for something new and exciting to happen to me. I mean you do learn from the mistakes you make. So don't make the mistakes again that you can control, and the ones you can't, well roll with it. From this point on, take a new outlook on life and the way you view it. You can't change the past, no one ever has. Everyone has the opportunity to be happy, and that is different for everyone of use. I let you do what you want and you let me. Don't hold me back, or tear me down. Don't let anyone do that. Everyone is different right? Variety is the spice of life after all. I can sum up life in three simple word...it goes on...
------------------
-=r a n d y=-
So just how did I get here, to this place that I am in my life? I can think back as far as I can and I can try to chart it all out, but I still can't quite figure it all out. And now, as you sit there and read this you're trying to think of what I am talking about. I am talking about anything and everything in life. Not just mine, but yours too.
Do you ever do this? You could be doing anything; sitting at your computer, watching t.v., driving somewhere, or just laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep and your mind begins to drift off and you start thinking about your life. Sometimes you think about it and you smile. Other times it makes you sad. And why? I do that a lot actually.
I consider myself to be a happy, positive, and outgoing person. Am I truly where I want to be in life at this particular time? Are you? How do you determine if you are? Money? Love? Fame? What does it for you...or any of us? I do think that it is different for all of us. We all have different factors that determine our own happiness. Our past maybe? What happens to us in the past can determine our happiness in the future.
Our childhood. Now that is supposed to be the care free days of youth right? Now don't get me wrong, I had my fun as a child. Playing with friends, riding bikes, clubhouses. But when was divorce supposed to be put into the mix? I mean hell, everyone of you are or have been in a relationship where you tell your partner "I am only going to get married once, and that's it." Bullshit, it just doesn't happen anymore. Especially in the 90's. Maybe that's why I lay in bed some nights and think that my life is so fucked up? The divorces, the seperations, all the moving around, the different schools? Never being stable in one place to give me time to figure out who in the hell I was or what I wanted. All the strain and all the fights. I know for a fact that with most kids with a childhood filled with trouble, chaos, instability, and not enough love, that the kid really has no choice but to grow up a lot faster. They tend to be a lot more mature. Why? Because they didn't have a choice. Should that truly effect the course of a persons life. Yeah I think so. I made all kinds of unhealthy decisions growing up. I just didn't know better. Most kids have to learn the hard way. This is the single parent generation. I know that when you get married you don't plan on getting divorced, but people have to realize that it does happen. And who does it effect? Thst's right, the children. If your married and have no kids, fine do what you want, at least you can only fuck up your own lives. If you are married and do have kids, use your brain. Why in the hell would you want to make your child grow up so much faster than they already do? Yeah, hit the bottle again. Abandon your child. Work 100 hours a week. Who needs to have a relationship with their children? Get a grip parents. Your actions and your decisions are what affect the outcome of our adolescence.
Relationships...Why does it always seem like we get hurt all the time? Why are we so vulnerable? Do we crave attention because we didn't get it as a kid and will take it from the first person we see? Okay, I admit it. I'm guilty of it. I have never been unfaithful in a relationship in my life, not once. Have I been cheated on before? Yup. It gets to the point that you really start to think. Ya think "yeah, I do want someone I can trust. Someone that will be there for me." And what happens? SMACK! You get hurt again, one way or another. What I tended to do was builing these defense mechanisms. Keeping people at arms length, not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. After awhile it starts to hurt because you're not close to anyone. And keeping people at a distance only keeps you from being happy. People are going to get hurt all the time. Fact of life. It happens, always will. But why ruin the chance at finally being happy because you're scared of getting hurt again? Why is it that we always go for the same type of people? The ones that are gonna hurt us? Not me, not anymore. Maybe that's why I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year? I know that I am picky in the first place, but I was just tired of all of the bullshit I had to put up with. The emotional struggles, all the hurt, and anguish of getting over someone. I' through with that. I am getting on with my life and looking for her. Who? the one that is going to make me want to love and be happy again. How about you? What do you want? Are you happy?
Career? I have a steady, professional, good paying job. Does that make me happy? Not really. To be honest, I am still that 12 year old kid that doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. I have all kinds of interests, but can't seenm to think of one that would make me the happiest. I think that I am too diverse. I think for me that it will be one of those things, that when it happens, I'll know it. Eveyone is different. Some people know, some don't and that's about all there is to that. As long as you are happy, then do it. If you're happy trading stock on wall street, more power to ya. I f you really enjoy the smell of fresh fries coming out of the deep frier, then go for it. But no matter what happens, if you have a dream, don't let anyone keep you from achieving your goals. It's your life, so live it.
Frienship? Now their is a good one. I have friends that i have had since I was a kid. We have all changed and evolved. Why do we stay friends? obligation? Sometimes it's just expected i suppose. I have lost contact with friends that i wish I hadn't, and grateful of others. I think of friends in a different light. I consider my Mom a great friend. I consider my older brother a great friend. I look for that elusive girlfriend that will be my eternal bestfriend. I have people that I hang out with, some I consider friends and others good aquaintances. I do have my bestfriends though. From the past, the present and I know that a couple of these people will continue to be so in the future. Others will taper off over the years. Keep your friends close to you. One thing you will alwys need in life is unconditional support, and you will find that with your closest friends.
Why have I decided to talk about this? Who knows. There has been a lot of shit on my mind lately. Don't get me wrong, i am a happy person and i do like my life. Change can only be a good thing, and things change for a reason. Sometimes you can't control the changes, but when you can, take advantage of it. 80 years may seem like a long time, but life is way too short. Carpe Diem right? I believe that. I believe that life is a very precious thing. You are going to get hurt along the way, that's inevitable. But it doesn't have end there. Something else is waiting for you, find it. If yu think that something will make you happy, go get it waith all you have left. I truly can't wait for things in my life to happen. I love getting up everyday and waiting for something new and exciting to happen to me. I mean you do learn from the mistakes you make. So don't make the mistakes again that you can control, and the ones you can't, well roll with it. From this point on, take a new outlook on life and the way you view it. You can't change the past, no one ever has. Everyone has the opportunity to be happy, and that is different for everyone of use. I let you do what you want and you let me. Don't hold me back, or tear me down. Don't let anyone do that. Everyone is different right? Variety is the spice of life after all. I can sum up life in three simple word...it goes on...
------------------
-=r a n d y=-
