Once I said, Im a space traveler, back from another trip sleepy eyed and still pinned, back to the same place where the journey begins. If only you could know where I been.The only sign is the little red dots, a gift left from the tender kisses of stainless steel, the sharp caress of the needle. a faintly blooming garden of fading gray clouds floating over my forearm. the places i pushed it deep within. a graveyard of bruises, each purplish shadow marking the spot where a dream was sold , forgotten, and buried deep into my skin.
But that was then....
maybe Im on a break, call it retired. maybe its that now, it feels like im so much farther past. maybe i want to forget, could be just that.
maybe i pushed it so far back because to let the real feeling touch me again would bring me too alive. Maybe Im still screaming inside, maybe its just muffled. I think i took myself away so I dont have to suffer.
to still be in it, just a little bit...to dip my hand in that junkie life river and let it stream thru my fingertips, electric and raw, just to still feel some connection, one touch, just to play a day in the life--just once...its too much. too real. Too deep to let myself feel. lookin back at the life im just a kid way past bed time, listening under the door, catchin hints of music while the grownups outside tear up the floor. I aint quit it....but i sure as hell aint still wit it. I never liked the party to go on without me. but when you come back and try to start where you left off, you already too late to get caught up, shit done moved on, your place there is gone.
I just want it to be there, i just want to know its still waiting for me somewhere. cuz damn--to be a outsider at my own game?
Months roll by and soon ima share this life, the better part, with my unborn child...but where ima put that little piece of me that will always be wild? It aint never gonna leave. live forever with a trick up my sleeve?
I mighta came a long way, built over all the wreckage and started fresh, but the damage is permanently defined. a flock of shiny white lines... lies scattered and buried in the crook of the elbow, spread over the arm...these days, the fresh red rash of tracks is long gone, but the work of the needle will shine on, coldly burning the story into my skin for all time, as silent and knowing as an endless sky of stars.
But that was then....
maybe Im on a break, call it retired. maybe its that now, it feels like im so much farther past. maybe i want to forget, could be just that.
maybe i pushed it so far back because to let the real feeling touch me again would bring me too alive. Maybe Im still screaming inside, maybe its just muffled. I think i took myself away so I dont have to suffer.
to still be in it, just a little bit...to dip my hand in that junkie life river and let it stream thru my fingertips, electric and raw, just to still feel some connection, one touch, just to play a day in the life--just once...its too much. too real. Too deep to let myself feel. lookin back at the life im just a kid way past bed time, listening under the door, catchin hints of music while the grownups outside tear up the floor. I aint quit it....but i sure as hell aint still wit it. I never liked the party to go on without me. but when you come back and try to start where you left off, you already too late to get caught up, shit done moved on, your place there is gone.
I just want it to be there, i just want to know its still waiting for me somewhere. cuz damn--to be a outsider at my own game?
Months roll by and soon ima share this life, the better part, with my unborn child...but where ima put that little piece of me that will always be wild? It aint never gonna leave. live forever with a trick up my sleeve?
I mighta came a long way, built over all the wreckage and started fresh, but the damage is permanently defined. a flock of shiny white lines... lies scattered and buried in the crook of the elbow, spread over the arm...these days, the fresh red rash of tracks is long gone, but the work of the needle will shine on, coldly burning the story into my skin for all time, as silent and knowing as an endless sky of stars.
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