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Mental Health Life Isn't The Same; I'm On Autopilot

W

WizK

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2014
Messages
13
Ok, this is going to sound very weird to a lot of people, but I really need some help because I'm determined to fix myself. So basically, about 4 years ago, I started to change, mentally and physically. I used to be SUPER outgoing, very social, sympathetic, happy, and caring. Then, like someone flipped a switch, that changed. Ever since then, I'm always in constant anxiety, sweaty all over, cold when it's warm, sweaty when I'm cold, and overall just very 'gross' feeling in my body.
And that's the physcial symptoms. Mentally, I feel like I see through my eyes, but the world isn't 'real'... Like I feel myself seeing but my vision sort of lags, and I'm lethargic. I've lost a ton of motivation since the start of this school year. I used to have excellent grades and now they're slipping. I can't focus, no matter how hard I try, I cannot retain information, which makes me think it's getting worse. Some days I wake up, feeling alright, not back to my old self, but not as bad as some days. Other days, I wake up, and just feel blank emotionally. Like I smile but it's fake, and I feel like everyone else knows it. I'm uninterested in everything. I'm always bored. I don't even like playing video games anymore. I don't know, I really can't take this. It's like I'm on an island that nobody else can reach, like I'm the only one who feels this way, and I'm envious of normal people. And this is not caused by drugs. Two years after this started was when my drug use started, and I have an interesting finding. Downers, specifically Opiates, alcohol, lyrica, and gabapentin really help. Benzos help a little, but make me a little unhappy and just sleepy. Stimulants, on the other hand, like Ritalin, Focalin, and Vyvanse, make the bad feelings A LOT worse. I'll just sit and stare at the wall. My appetite, regardless of stimulants and drugs, has severly decreased. I've quit every drug but gabapentin and the occasional brownie, but it hasnt improved. Also, I've noticed i have a very sensative stomach.

A few things that come to mind to me is depersonalization disorder, but I don't dissociate and go into another world, I just feel like a zombie constantly. Maybe it's really bad anxiety... But how do I fix that? I honestly dislike benzos, I don't think they help too much, and I don't want to take SSRI's / SNRI's unless I really need to. And I always try to do these relaxation techniques but they just don't work. I'm hopeless. It's not depression either. Lot's of things have been good to me, but I don't feel like I would be unhappy at all it this 'zombieness' just went away. And when it's a bad day, it's all I think about. How alien i feel, how much i wish i felt like my old self, etc.
Can anyone else relate or help diagnose me, so I can see my PC or talk to my psychologist and try to come up with a non-medication based gameplan? I'd really appreciate it. I'm just so lost and I can't live like this anymore. Maybe I sound crazy... I don't know.
 
Your description sounds like something I went through. I always felt numb, like I couldn't feel anything aside from boredom, dissatisfaction and anxiety. Totally zombie-like. Some would describe this as depression, but you'd have to go see a mental health professional if you want a proper diagnosis. May I ask how old you are? How would you describe your diet/sleep/exercise habits? These factors can play a huge role in our mood and overall well-being.
 
I'm now 17. Diet isn't the best, but I'm in very good shape, about 6'1" and 135 lbs. I have a high metabolism and heart rate, which is why I'm so thin. I used to eat a ton, but then it just felt like when I was eating I'd bloat up and not feel hungry anymore. And whenever I finish eating I feel the need to have a bowel movement, and it wasn't always like that.
Sleep is horrible. I fall asleep anywhere from 1-3 am and get up at 7 am on school days, 9 am on off days but I only get 7% REM sleep (I had a sleep study) and I wake up a lot during the night. Maybe this is why I feel this way? I must say, the day after a night I take a tiny dose of xanax makes me feel GREAT. Like I finally feel rested.
Excercise is daily. At least 30 minutes of basketball and weights every day. It really is helpful for me to play basketball. My mind just stops running so much and I can just focus on the shootaround instead of how alien I feel. It's relaxing as well. Plus lifting gives me nice little rushes when I'm done with a set. But I really hate getting sweaty, it agitates me a lot. And I know that's not normal. And I sweat a lot, which again, was not like me. It's like my body is going against me.
Maybe it is depression. I just can't imagine it lasts for 4 years straight, and I have been happy during those stretches, I just feel numb like you said.
 
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Couple of thoughts...

This began as you entered puberty times. You're not really out of that development stage yet. It's possible there's something amiss with your system in a biochemical development sense.

Drugs for teens are contraindicated... ANY drugs, but specifically anything that messes with brain chemistry - most people are still going through brain development when they are 18 - 20 - playing with psychoactives of any description before the brain settles in is very risky.

What happened to you just before all this began? Did your environment alter? Even if it was in what seems like an innocuous way? Disassociation is sometimes because of trauma. The trauma happens early in life and because we are children without adult-level coping mechanisms, the response is to create a personality who can hold the pain and keep it away from the central Self so we can survive and continue with life.

A small change in the environment can stimulate the hidden self and cause the step-back from the front position.

A good Shaman spends most of their time taking people on a journey to find those hidden 'selfs' and reunite them with the up-front person. It seems very scary at the time but once completed it is obvious the scariness was coming from the locked-away 'child' who did not have the skills to deal with the terror. as a grownup we DO have the skills (or can pick them up from the therapist/shaman) and the terror situation seems far less traumatic once we look at it.

Just thoughts... do NOT take anything told you on the Internet as fact. If anything seems relevant, make sure you find someone who is expert who can at least be ready to catch you when the oncoming train hits you.
 
You mentioned your stomach and eating a bit, so perhaps this is a digestive issue. Our second brain is basically our GI tract. Maybe you've developed a sensitivity to a particular food stuff or ingredient that you're eating. Or it could be something purely psychological.. perhaps there's some underlying emotional issue that needs resolving that has been brought to the surface now that you're in puberty. You did say you're not feeling rested and having disturbed sleep.

It's difficult to self-diagnose and I wouldn't take anything you find on the internet as solid truth. Go to the people who can really help you.

But do yourself a favor first and clear your diet up properly, exercise, and try to keep a regular sleep cycle (easier said than done when you're that age haha).
 
@WizK - Just noticed this in your 2nd post... (it didn't register at first because being an Aussie I read 135 and figured kg's not lbs.)
but I'm in very good shape, about 6'1" and 135
Click to expand...
Now far be it from me to critique someone who ISN'T overweight, but you're about 30 - 40lbs UNDERweight. According to the Heart Foundation you have a BMI of 17 and they say...
Underweight (BMI less than 18.5)
You are underweight for your height. It's important to aim to keep within your healthy weight range. Being in the healthy weight range will improve your body's ability to fight off infection or illness
Click to expand...
 
Oh I'm very sorry for that mishap, I know this is an international forum and I should have clarified pounds.
I realize I'm very underweight, however there's nothing I can do. I've tried Cyto Gain (a weight gain protein shake), at night I tend to munch a ton, I always eat a second and sometimes third dinner, and generally I eat a bunch of calories and carbs, which would allude to me gaining weight. Just can't seem to put on a pound, though my father was the same way at my age and my mother's brothers are both very thin.
I'll try to keep downing the shakes and lifting, but as I mentioned I do have high heart rate (in fact it's been diagnosed as tachycardia, specifically Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), combine that with the cardio from basketball and it equates to a net gain of zero.

I appreciate the advice. Today was an amazing day, and it makes me feel optimistic about this new year, so I'm having the mindset that this will be a wonderful year. Mind over matter is something I'm going to try to put into effect before seeking out a doctor and medication.
Happy new year everyone!
 
If you want to gain mass it's not just about the protein but your overall calorie intake. You need to work out your BMR (just google for a free calculator), which is what you need in calories just for maintaining your current weight/activity, then times it by a factor (if you're doing weights say 3 times a week).. and then add an extra 200-300 calories. I was doing weights sporadically for a year or two and didn't gain anything. Then I sat down and worked it all out. Wasn't eating enough, even when I thought I was. Since September 2014 I've gained 6Kgs because I worked out what I needed to do.
 
I have never in my entire life found anyone else until now who is going through exactly what I am. I've been seeing different psychologists and psychiatrists and all forms of doctors since I was 8. I have been tested constantly to figure out what is going on. I've been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, OCD, depression, severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, you name it. No medication has ever worked. It always makes it worse. Around my sophomore year in high school, things stopped clicking right in my brain. I used to be an avid reader, but now I don't really register what I read anymore at all. It's how I found this article, I was just googling to see what I could find. I'm really scared. It's so hard to explain what's going on. I am always never fully there. I'm in limbo all. The. Time. And this is the closest that I have ever seen to describing how I feel. It's just nice to know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.
 
When I read short things like this, it's fine, but when I am even reading texts I miss half of what they say. It depends on what it is. Anyways, yeah. Just thought I would say that you aren't alone.
 
welcome to bluelight, madasalice. whatever you and WizK are suffering from sounds terrible. hope you both are able to get back to your old selves.

SO --> MH
 
You discribed "derealization" and I'm going thru the same thing, I feel as if nothing around me is real, no one around me is real and everything is like generated kinda, everything is foggy and the world doesn't seem right if that makes sense, you feel as if your on "auto pilot" like something or someone else in your head is living your life for you, it kinda feels like blacking out but at the same time your conscience, I have the same thing, go to CBT and get on Effexor or some type of anti depressant, at first it may seem like your derealization is getting worse but after a while it totally flips and gets better, dp and dr are similar but different, they kinda go hand and hand, but get your blood work done to make sure your hormones are where they need to be because low T can cause anxiety and depression by itself, otherwise see a therapist to get you out of that state of mind
 
Depersonalization and derealization are two different things reaserch derealization because that's most likely what your going through
 
People change as they get older. Both in terms of physiology and mental/emotional outlook. That's a pretty banal truth but I think it's something people miss when they pose the question with the formula, "I used to be this way, but now I'm this way...what gives?"

With that being said, what you describe sounds like depression/anxiety marked by (or with the core symptom of) lethargy. Sometimes stimulants prescribed off-label & at therapeutic doses can help with that, but it sounds like you have a bad response to those...
 
what you described sounds like depersonalization disorder. i depersonalize/derealize a lot (practically chronically) so i know exactly how you feel, don't worry you're not crazy. it's caused by anxiety or trauma/childhood stress. i haven't really found anything that helps yet though despite having it for many years. there's no medications specifcally for dp/dr as far as i know, but my psychiatrist said antipsychotics might help.
 
I've definitely seen cases similar to this before...

It very certainly sounds like some kind of dissociative disorder. Since you say this change was sudden, can you remember any event that might have brought it on (just a simple yes/no will do, I'm not asking you to go into details)? If not, do you have any clear memory of the moment it occurred, and the time surrounding it? More generally, do you have any significant and unusual gaps in your memory at any point between your mid-late childhood (which is when long-term memory formation first begins) and now, or any history of amnesia at all? Does your "lag" translate into alterations in your sense of time? Have you been diagnosed or suspected of any neurological disorders, such as epilepsy or migraines? (In case anyone else here has figured out what possibility I'm thinking of, please say nothing more; now is likely not the right time to confront someone with the nature of what's facing them, particularly when there's still considerable doubt as to whether it's even correct).
 
This is depersonalization derealization.
Your life is fucked.
It's perhaps 10 year that I'm like that, Im not aware anymore of what is normality.
It's why I became a druggie, why I lost my girlfriend, why I became a recluse, why I lost connection to other people, etc. The only thing that can procure a bit of pleasure and make me see something ressembling a bit life is drugs. I can't find love anymore, I can't find anything. I hope you will find another way to live.
 
I'm pretty sure it's depression and/or bad quality sleep. I've lived on my own for 5 years, the last year of it I was starting to get a grip on life. I was actually conscious like I am on cannabis where I am able to register my surroundings. Things are vivid etc.

Now things are back to normal. I can't think clearly. I'm in a constant brain fog. I feel like I'm on autopilot and I'm simply witnessing everything happening.

These were the same issues that drove me to become a druggie. I was similar to what no_id mentioned above.

I had a brief 6-8 months where I was okay. Things were okay. I could think clearly. My brain was working. Not sure what I did right. I was off the drugs. I was working out. I was eating plenty more. I was getting good sleep too I assume.

I notice when I get bad sleep (where I wake up multiple times throughout the night and go back to sleep, and these are times where I'm conscious enough to remember me doing this). That's when it's worse, when I'm droned and feeling like a zombie.

I suggest try to fix your sleeping and diet. Exhaust yourself enough to sleep. Sleep according to the day/night schedule. I notice as soon as there's light in my room, I'm in very light sleep. So I have to sleep around 10 or so and it'll be better. Sleep is the number one issue I believe.

These are certain things that I was doing when my mind was "normal" and not groggy and fuzzy brained.

Here are a few links that talk about snoozing your alarm clock and what the consequences are. But if you're not getting enough REM in your sleep, this may apply to you as well (me personally, I'm also sensitive to any small amounts of light so that will wake me up and consequently give me bad quality sleep):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/01/why-hitting-snooze-is-bad-for-health_n_5630707.html

http://greatist.com/happiness/snooze-button-bad-for-sleep

Proper sleep/eating routine is key (which takes time, maybe 4-6 weeks).

Air, water, food, sleep. Those are the basic necessities of human life. Those are usually what you should first look to. Breathe deep. Drink plenty good clean water (ideally 3 liters a day). Diet. And sleep quality. Invest in a nice mattress if you need to (Leesa and Casper are some of the latest very highly rated mattresses for something not too expensive).

Hope it helps someone.

Edit: Also wanted to add, make sure you eat a good breakfast. DO NOT SKIP OUT. You'd be surprised how much of a difference this can make. Mild dehydration can cause you to lose control on regulating moods. And food in the morning provides energy for your brain (which uses 20% of your overall energy reserves). All of the above might sound like a lot of information to implement. But take baby steps. Do one thing at a time and in a months time you'll be well on your way :)
 
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To OP, at 17 years old you're still quite young, and your body is going through a lot of hormonal changes. I feel old but you could be one of my students!

Also, some philosopher or other said that we all go through this kind of phase in our life. It's an existential crisis. You realize that happiness is only brought on my brain synapses firing in a certain way, and when they fail to do that, you're not happy anymore. I'd see a mental health professional but be adamant about refusing to take drugs.

How is your social life? Have you spoken to anyone about this? Parents , friends? Do you have meaningful relationships in your life in which you can be honest and straightforward with people, in which you can share your feelings? High school was crap for me, too, to be honest. I escaped a lot in creative writing. Do you feel that there are goals which you can readily achieve within the next 5+ years? Goals help keep us going, keep us strong and motivated. And to be frank, this feeling is why I stay away from pot; the few times I've tried it I got anxiety, and felt like this once for a few months after a bad trip.
 
I'm not qualified to say too much regarding this matter, but as tired as this advice is-diet, exercise, and sleep are everything. Not literally (seeing a psych can really help, meds may work although I personally believe in getting to the root of the problem before medicating, I'm not anti med but Drs often haphazardly rx any popular med without determining if it's the ideal choice for the patient). I cannot express how much changing my diet and exercise has improved every aspect of my life, and I'm not exaggerating, even my chronic pain has improved. Diet also includes proper hydration. Exercise is great for making you feel more alive, but I've been athletic my entire life and only when I changed my diet in addition did I start to feel much better. I don't know the number, but I remember reading that food, specifically fruit, is the body's main external source of serotonin. Being properly nourished is vital for optimal brain function, and overeating fat or sugar will lead to sluggishness or a crash, respectively. I can't give you any real psych advice but I really believe that you can't have a healthy mind without having a healthy body, they're literally connected in every way. You don't have to do anything crazy and it shouldn't be difficult, take baby steps and make healthy living a habit, it's all about balance and moderation. Don't restrict pleasure, just limit excess. It probably won't magically "fix" you, but just feeling good physically will boost your mood and outlook on life. Seriously, I was never unhealthy enough for a Dr to say anything (besides low vitamin d) but I'm shocked at how different I feel.
 
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