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Deep Life is My Coffin

Captain.Heroin

Captain.Heroin

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,868
My continued existence is worse than death, yet I still live on...
Trying to force apathy upon myself to replace my depression with numbness.
I tell myself that it’s worked, that I don’t feel anything anymore…
But deep down, I know that I’ll never be anything resembling “positive”.
Life is my coffin and it’s time to shut the lid.
One final action and this will all end…
I can’t fight the inevitable, so I embrace it…
Embrace suicide.
I want to die alone and cold, hating myself for every moment of hope that I ever had...
 
Captain.Heroin said:
My continued existence is worse than death, yet I still live on...
Trying to force apathy upon myself to replace my depression with numbness.
I tell myself that it’s worked, that I don’t feel anything anymore…
But deep down, I know that I’ll never be anything resembling “positive”.
Life is my coffin and it’s time to shut the lid.
One final action and this will all end…
I can’t fight the inevitable, so I embrace it…
Embrace suicide.
I want to die alone and cold, hating myself for every moment of hope that I ever had...
Click to expand...

Dude, this is sad but beautifully written, pls contribute to the "High Poetry" thread in Words
 
I didn't write the original literature though so I can't "contribute it". This is just DSBM lyric polishing that I am renowned for (deleted a lot of my "depression" words threads out of a desire to eliminate all my creations...)

It's probably the most spot-on song about how I feel sometimes (MAC...KY and Hanging Garden are close but no cigar really and this is an actual US band...)
 
Captain.Heroin said:
My continued existence is worse than death, yet I still live on...
Trying to force apathy upon myself to replace my depression with numbness.
I tell myself that it’s worked, that I don’t feel anything anymore…
But deep down, I know that I’ll never be anything resembling “positive”.
Life is my coffin and it’s time to shut the lid.
One final action and this will all end…
I can’t fight the inevitable, so I embrace it…
Embrace suicide.
I want to die alone and cold, hating myself for every moment of hope that I ever had...
Click to expand...
Dying is like seeing and old friend of yours in a day where everything has gone just right.
 
Quickfixgrrl said:
That would stuck. I'm an introvert hate "bumping" into people.. if I'm prepared and the meeting is planned I'm a lot better..
Bumping into someone I know would ruin my day 😕
Click to expand...
You dont have even one friend that just makes you feel better? Like Nutty?

But youre right. I mostly have to feel good to see people. Theres harmony in peace.
 
I cant fully remember the difference of when I was not on meds but I just know it to be huge. Just today I almost convinced myself that Im not really schizophrenic...
 
schizopath said:
I cant fully remember the difference of when I was not on meds but I just know it to be huge. Just today I almost convinced myself that Im not really schizophrenic...
Click to expand...

My cousin had schizophrenia. It was difficult because when he was correctly medicated he didn't "feel" schizophrenic, so would often abruptly stop taking them.. then frequently end up in the psych hospital. He must have been a paranoid schizophrenic because he told me about some very erratic and scary delusions that he fully believed in. Add meth into his mix and he was just vacant mentally at the end.
 
It took me about 2 years of when I was first told that Im schizophrenic to get on meds. I was told that Im paranoid schizophrenic too but Im fairly sure that its actually the hebephrenic/disorganized schizophrenia. Though I guess it doesnt really matter.
The biggest difference now is that Ive grown used to sometimes being mildly psychotic and shit, its not that bad anymore. The mania which I also have can be quite harmful but luckily havent had that in a long time.
 
sometimes professionals are wrong; I would trust them, though.

I really always did and I got MY BENZOS [craving]

754px-Temaze_%28temazepam%29_10_mg.jpg


[JERKS OFF FURIOUSLY]
 
Captain.Heroin said:
sometimes professionals are wrong; I would trust them, though.

I really always did and I got MY BENZOS [craving]

754px-Temaze_%28temazepam%29_10_mg.jpg


[JERKS OFF FURIOUSLY]
Click to expand...

Never was a fan of Temazepam.. I found the sleepy effect to be quite blunt; I'd be awake one minute, take a couple to help me sleep and wake with no recollection of falling asleep or dreaming. Valium, on the other hand, settled me into a floaty state of bliss for bed time.
I'm on Klonopin daily now. I can't tell if it's helping me sleep because I'm also on Seroquel which knocks me out perfectly 😀
 
Practicing being a corpse. I cannot imagine because I am already dead, what it is like to be me! Imagine reality. Lack of imagination. This is death. I am dead. Rock, still, alone, lying on the floor. Could I ask this to be better or for any more? I don't want to continue on. This isn't worthwhile. This isn't a dream it's a fucking nightmare. Life holds no value or interest or purpose for me. Death does.
 
Living is for the weak. I don't need to live. I have been preparing myself for the depths of leaving my corpse behind forever for quite some time now. I was weak but now I am strong in death. Life is my concrete, the depths to which I fell in while it was wet. Now it is hard, and life is death. And it is hard as concrete could ever hope to be. Death is my liquid to where I can be free and move around again.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
My continued existence is worse than death, yet I still live on...
Trying to force apathy upon myself to replace my depression with numbness.
I tell myself that it’s worked, that I don’t feel anything anymore…
But deep down, I know that I’ll never be anything resembling “positive”.
Life is my coffin and it’s time to shut the lid.
One final action and this will all end…
I can’t fight the inevitable, so I embrace it…
Embrace suicide.
I want to die alone and cold, hating myself for every moment of hope that I ever had...
Click to expand...
Waking up is worse than my nightmares, yet I still avoid pulling the trigger
Kicking the chair, and I avoid the bullets. They are more stable than I am, despite all my fits.
I still breathe, trying to assume a smile that feels just as inauthentic as the world around me.
Replacing genuine sadness with manipulative toxic positivity, but I don’t feel anything now.
However, I know I’ll never feel I’m doing anything but just going through the motions.
Without hope, love, any positive feelings, no euphoric emotions.
Life is suffering and it’s time to suffocate myself a bit.
Displacing oxygen with helium, after I take my last hit.
My final inhalation and this will all go away. I can’t fight the obsession of suicide any longer.
Instead of fighting it, I inhale the inevitable, hugging my suicide obsession and giving into it.
I will die cold, alone, hating myself for all the beautiful dreams in life I had that never came true.
 
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