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Life is misery.

R

reyqaz

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 15, 2011
Messages
71
I want to share with you all an experience I had today. I have been having OCD and panic attacks since a long time.

I woke up this morning, feeling very disoriented, my parent arent still talking to me, they are giving me the silent treatment. This caused me to feel that I am very lonely. No one to whom I could share my feelings with.

They always answer me in negative, they look at me with suspicion in their eyes.
This was a terrifying experience, I think its the reactions of the sertraline and clonazepam.
Now I just wish I had better parents, for now i am alone, they wont let me go out as they think i've gone mentally ill. So, I am trying to keep same.
They are still shouting at me and telling me about my problems instead of simply comforting me.
I cant concentrate on anything, everything seems hard. I just want to be tension free, but there is so much worries and tension inside. THE OCD is fighting with the good brain cells in my head. I want my parents to be modern. I wish i was born to better parents.
I wish i was in the usa, self sufficient, and now i think that i am going slowly insane.

But I will hold on, this too shall pass

I am on the edge of madness

Last night i had clonapezam, sertlaline 100mg. and hash heated and drank in soya milk
 
Im no expert.

It is very hard for people whom do not have depression, ocd, anxiety or any other mental illness to understand what we go through.

Take my Girlfriend for instance; Her answer to everything is "JUST FEEL DIFFERENT" "JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND" "JUST THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE" and this drives me effin crazy.

I would suggest you have your parents attend the Dr or Psych you are seeing with you when you go. Have him or her explain to them what exactly is taking place.

Also remember that what you may *think* other people are thinking may not be what they actually are thinking. If you find the medication is making you paranoid in anyway advise your Dr. I'm not saying such is the case your parents may truly be non understanding....

It is non of my business but may i ask how old you are? I understand if you do not wish to share.

I have been on every goddamn pill from A-Z since i was 16..... I'm in my 30's now. I was recently laid of of my job of 12 years, a career which i loved... and i am filing for bankruptcy... When you think you hit rock bottom... well things could always be worse...

I would suggest some CBT if you have not explored that avenue yet. Also some relaxation tapes,. meditation.. and breathing exercises...

If you were mentally ill to the point of being 'locked up' you would be locked up... take things one step at a time... it will get better.
 
Man you just have get away from your parents and find friends or a wife who understands your mental illnesses, but even this will only help a little bit. Even good family can't do much except listen and care. They can't solve anything .Friends can only listen and even then the most likely will put it in one ear and out the other. A wife or GF will most likely be a good bet. One that truly loves you and thats not a sure bet to. Nothing in this life is. Fuck every one and what they think tho. Just do what you want and try your best to be happy and do the things that make you happy whatever that maybe. Forget the people that keep you down. Do what you want how you want when you and fuck the world because no one is going to help you. You help yourself by WHATEVER means nesssary.

This seems better suited to the darkside might i add.
 
Thank you so much for the suggestions. It feels good to know that there is someone over there who is going through a similar situation. I am thinking of asking my parent to send me to a peaceful place, something like the, i forgot... beautiful beach.

I hate the way my parents look at me, cummon its not like i have killed someone. When will i ever get out of this?

Heart is beating fast
 
I have been in a similar situation. It's very TRYING, EXHAUSTING, just TERRIBLE. I feel for you.

From my personal experience, I found a lot of help with the power of myself (if that makes any sense). I have tried meds, tried psychotherapy for years with a better understanding of me and what I want in life. The meds and therapist didn't have the answers for me, they lead me into a path where I figured out that I need to do what works for me. You need to be slefish at this point, do something in your life that will bring you up even if you are below the lowest of lows. I also found that what doesn't kill you...makes you realize I can get through it.

I would say, get away from negative influences, even if it;s for a short period. I would say do something for yourself and health: eat healthy, excercise, etc. Then I would say, do something you WANT to do. Dream big. Like for me, I always dreamed of making electronic music and becoming a dj, all my friends knew me as the "music geek." I started hitting rock bottom for numerous reasons and was very mentally ill. I lost all passion, zest for life. I got back into music and even though I am not a Dj, it's great doing something I love, gives me something to look forward to. I am not sure what you like but follow your passion and everything will slowly fall into place.
 
I also wanted to be a producer
I have since a 3rd grade wanted to be an electronic producer, hence i have pursued audio engineering. I think the reason for my situation is parents. they were always negative to me, and i am over sensitive.

I have learned to be selfish, sometimes I get panic attacks just thinking about it.
I want a solution, i want to be free. its like my brain is trying to kill itself. music, now i cant even concentrate on anything.

parachuteantics said:
I have been in a similar situation. It's very TRYING, EXHAUSTING, just TERRIBLE. I feel for you.

From my personal experience, I found a lot of help with the power of myself (if that makes any sense). I have tried meds, tried psychotherapy for years with a better understanding of me and what I want in life. The meds and therapist didn't have the answers for me, they lead me into a path where I figured out that I need to do what works for me. You need to be slefish at this point, do something in your life that will bring you up even if you are below the lowest of lows. I also found that what doesn't kill you...makes you realize I can get through it.

I would say, get away from negative influences, even if it;s for a short period. I would say do something for yourself and health: eat healthy, excercise, etc. Then I would say, do something you WANT to do. Dream big. Like for me, I always dreamed of making electronic music and becoming a dj, all my friends knew me as the "music geek." I started hitting rock bottom for numerous reasons and was very mentally ill. I lost all passion, zest for life. I got back into music and even though I am not a Dj, it's great doing something I love, gives me something to look forward to. I am not sure what you like but follow your passion and everything will slowly fall into place.
Click to expand...
 
Sorry you are going through this. But this really isn't OD material read the OD guidelines.
Mods this should probably be moved to 'The Dark Side'. No?
.
 
If music is your thing, then go for it! Even if it's downloading electronic depressing music. I had a day recently where I was super down...music barely helped. I got into my car, put some chill out electronic...and I started at least accepting the fact I felt this way for certian reasons and that I needed to make myself feel better because no one else can make you feel better, only you. Friends, family can support you...but it needs to be coming from you. Get out of the house, get some air, take a walk, take a drive while listening to some classic sons (like for me Daft Punk). Things will heal over time. Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat about electronic :) peace and good luck,
 
parachuteantics said:
If music is your thing, then go for it! Even if it's downloading electronic depressing music. I had a day recently where I was super down...music barely helped. I got into my car, put some chill out electronic...and I started at least accepting the fact I felt this way for certian reasons and that I needed to make myself feel better because no one else can make you feel better, only you. Friends, family can support you...but it needs to be coming from you. Get out of the house, get some air, take a walk, take a drive while listening to some classic sons (like for me Daft Punk). Things will heal over time. Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat about electronic :) peace and good luck,
Click to expand...

Thank you so much, Yes being an audio engineer I embrace all genres of music. And your kind helpful words mean a lot to me. Maybe now i should just make music my saviour.
thank you.

Hopefully someday, I will be living in a peaceful place with a partner who is peaceful as well.
 
life isn't misery, although when you are down it will feel like this. My life is full of extreme highs and extreme lows. I also love music production and it has gotten me through a lot of terrible times. Sometimes i just throw on a song i am working on and enjoy what i've done. I know the feeling of being unmotivated and having no interest or focus in anything. For music i would motivate myself by just listening to a track i was working on and instantly i'd start seeing things i wanted to change and then from there i'd end up spending hours just fixing things but that initial drive to listen to the song was forced. It's the same way with other things like getting out of the house, meeting people or giving up your favorite drug; it's going to suck at first but you just have to force yourself to make that first step and things will follow through afterwards.

Your parents may not be helpful or supportive but you don't need to rely on them for this. If you keep minimum contact with your parents i can guarantee that what little time you do see each other will be much more positive and useful. I had a similar relationship with my dad and things were awful when i lived at home. I had psychotic breaks, massive anxiety and no one would/could help me but i made it out of there and now i see my dad 2-3 times a month and we never fight with eachother or have issues. Keep your head up, this is only temporary, you need to make a life for yourself though and stop worrying about your parents.
 
Here are some of the best things that people have said so far:

Concentrate on your music. Your passions are YOU. They can save you when everything else fails around you and even within you.

Don't rely on your parents for your self-worth. They may not understand mental illness and therefore blame you. You will always have to deal with this with others so the best thing you can do is to understand that your strength always has to come from within.

Eat healthy and exercise. Can't stress enough how these simple things improve brain function and mood.

And I would add this:Change how you word things slightly to change your perception greatly. For instance, instead of saying" Life is Misery" you could say, "life is so many things but right now it feels miserable". The second statement is open ended and full of possibility. The first statement is a slammed door and a trap of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Hang in there and concentrate on getting help, through therapy, through music, through appreciating small moments of happiness and peace. I am sorry that it feels so bad right now but there are many things you can do to improve the situation. Good luck and keep talking to people here. We all want to support you in feeling better and moving on.<3
 
Thank you all for the amazing support, I was in the deepest end of the dark side and with that experience I've learned, I've become wise, I've become stronger. Now, I have a full time job, which I don't necessarily love but hey it would be paying the bills, I'll be doing what I look and keep on knocking on doors and I'm sure the one that is mine will open for me taking me to the light!
Cheers!
 
OP, i cannot even imagine what it would be like to be around such major negativity and not walk out the door. permanently. but that'd just my $.02 and everyone is different and has varied pressures on them.
i totally hear and feel "I was in the deepest end of the dark side and with that experience I've learned, I've become wise, I've become stronger." life has many "shit happens" moments; some piss you off, some hurt so bad there seems to be only one solution, and some "shit happens" take you to your knees in pain and sorrow and grief, often many times daily, sometimes blessed by exhaustion you only go to your knees once in a day. grief, and regret, and sadness so often dominate but, even though it took me 40+yrs to learn, happy, joyful, peaceful, feeling love... fleeting, maybe but sometime just the fact they exist is enough until the next.
idk what country you're in, the economy,. etc but there has to be a way for you to leave the negativity and live -your- life. you've got a job now, save everything you can and move asap. i never started to feel any relief from depression, etc until i got far away from my crazy family.
you're gonna make it out and know some measure of happy.
best of luck
izzy
 
Very true izzy66, Just like you said, I am planning on settling in another country, one where the land is green and the views are heavenly. Its good to know that, I'm not the only one, its somewhat like a support system. I'll be taking your advise and I highly appreciate it.

Thanks
Rey
 
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