letting go of the past

[harraser]

Authors note: this is waaaay more information about my past than Id usually give out but I feel its necesarry for some sort of catharsis.once you read this you will know more about my past than almost anyone else so.....be gentle well here it is.
Im sifting through my mess of memories
trying to find the point where it all went wrong
trying to find the cause of this chain reaction
of fuck up after fuck up thats come to be my life
could it be my very first memory?
could it really have started so young?
on that night when I was three, scared and crying in my bed
coz mum and dad were screaming at each other again
that was the night that dad left
it could have been the nightly beatings I got
from the age of eight unitl I was eleven
when mum finally left her scum-fuck boyfreind
he seemed to enjoy hitting women and children
I'd like to see him try and hit me now
or could it have been the day when I was twelve
in the back of a truck on the way to Sydney
when I was molested by my dads best freind
the only person he'd ever trust with his child
betrayed that trust and destroyed my innocence
maybe it was the effect of all the punishment
I subjected my brain to in the name of "entertainment"
Ive still got the big pink scar from the night I lost it on acid
when I woke up in hospital,covered in blood
the police told me Id assaulted eight people
before punching my arm through a window
maybe it was the alcohol
night after night of drinking till I threw up
beer, vodka, bourbon, rum and anything else I could get my hands on
waking up every morning dreading the phonecall
to tell me what Id said and whose feelings Id hurt this time
It could have been any one of these memories
or any of a million more
but Ive come to realise that hiding behind my pain
and using my past as an excuse for my apathy and anger
is no longer enough to pass off my responsibility
I cant fool myself like this anymore
Some changes have to be made if I want to go on living
and no matter scarry it is to face the unknown
I think its time to take a chance
and let go of my pain.

 

[Vivid Star Dust]

wow... im sorry you had to go through that all

 

[TecknoticDream]

Awwwwwwws Ant::HUGS::Where ya been babe?havent seen ya post anything really lately

 

[cherub]

your work is realism, true or not, you talk like your talking from the heart.

 

[siren]

baby.. i just want to tell you that is a beautiful peice of work. it gave me chills :]
-siren

 

[harraser]

I was half toying with the idea of taking this post down coz I wasnt sure if I wanted so many people to know about me like this but now i dont think i will.when I first wrote this it had a totally different ending, basically it was just me feeling sorry for myself,but I read over it and felt disgusted at myself because I could really write something so pathetic and full of myself "I dont deserve this...winge winge blah" so I sort of gave myself a wake up and wrote it this way.thanks for being so understanding guys
*hugs* I luv yas all

 

[ambryanne]

Thank u so much for sharing. . . i know it's hard. all of my best luck wishes go out to you on your quest to "change things" ; i hope life gets brighter!!!

 

[E-girl]

I believe very strongly, that if we did not ever experience pain in our lives, we would never true what true happiness feels like. some people get dealt a lot more of one than the other, what can ya do?
but when i read something like this, my heart aches so badly for you. i feel like all the pain in my life pales in comparison to what you went through. i feel like, everything bad that happened to me, happened because i let it, because i set myself up for it, and because when i had the chance to make it right, i took the easy way out. i let it eat my heart away. but you couldn't control a lot of what happened to you. you were forced to face it, head-on. and i respect you so much for that.
you always have such kind things to say to me, and i feel like now, when i should have something witty and meaningful to say to you, no words really come to mind, except "i'm so sorry you had to go through that." it just doesnt seem to be enough.
you ended this piece on a positive note.. and i think if you stick with what you said, you will become one of the strongest people i've ever met. and maybe someday, you can tell me how you did it you just have to remember that the people who hurt you in the past are not worthy of your tears now. you are so much better than that. you have the opportunity to make your future memories fantasically blissful ones, on your own accord. your future is yours, any way you want it. you might as well make it bright.
i hope that happiness finally finds you, unexpectedly, and hugely. i hope it knocks you right off your feet. and most of all, i hope that when that day comes, you share it with all of us, like you shared this.
best of luck.
*kisses*

 

[unicorn83]

hun, sorry u had to go through that. its a good thing your atleast bringing it up here, no matter how pathetic it seems it helps alot! (experience).
email me soon
love u loads
uni

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

ouch..this was so real and honest it hurt. pieces like this are beautiful and my favorite kind to read. true open emotion. it's funny because if any of my good friends or family members were to discover bluelight and figure out who i am, they would learn a lot about me that nobobdy knows...well nobody but you guys....