i dont even know where to start, or if this is even a blog haha.
but i have come to the conclusion that this past year has been the absolute worst of my life.
-i was thrown out of the closet.
being openly-bisexual ended up being the best and worst thing to happen to me. i lost all of my friends since no one wants to be friends with "the gay kid", had to leave the soccer team due to verbal abuse, and things werent getting any better with my parents (who had found out years prior, only to try and disown me after being told. every cuss word you can imagine, ive been called that by them. my "dad" shoved a bible in my face a few times a week, and would hold his fist in the air in front of my face and yell "you have no fucking idea how bad i want to punch your face right now" and i would just smile and cry, telling him to do it so i'd have a reason to leave the dreaded abusive house. theres more but thats for another blog 8) )
getting through all of that had one benefit though, it made me a stronger person initially. now i'm not afraid to admit that i have the capacity to have feelings for a girl or a boy. whats in their pants isnt really what i care about, its mainly based on their personality.
-i became a pretty moderate/frequent drug user.
at the beginning of the year i was using MDMA once every few weeks, and im not sure if its the lack of quality in pills or that i lost the magic but i was beginning to "get over" rolling. i moved on to Adderall, which became my dirtiest habit to date. for a good 2-3 months i used it every few days, combining the amphetamine-induced damage with my already depressed mindset lead to incredible self-hatred. this only to me moving on to "diet pills" to give me an everyday boost and helped convince myself that i would become comfortable with myself soon enough
i've finnally managed to quit using stimulants. which i ended up using every consecutive day for the past 3 months.
-Depression turned to emotional numbness
Right around when i started using Adderall, my depression (diagnosed too) just turned into emotional numbness. i couldn't connect with any of my friends, didnt have the desire to go out and make myself available, which im thinking was/is due to self-hatred. it's the worst thing in the world. i would want to cry, want to be happy, want to laugh with my friends but i just couldnt. luckily after recently quitting stimulants im starting to feel back to myself again, hopefully i can recover from whatever caused it and be able to act like myself and have fun again.
aaanyways,
i've decided to make this year (end of Junior year, beginning of Senior year) my fucking year. gotta turn everything around.
i've already been working out 6x/week minimum (im not fat or anything, just not as skinny as i'd like), began taking a few neuro supplements. St. johns wort to help upregulate 5-HT (serotonin) receptors so maybe i'll get my emotions back, and a few others. Stimulants are a thing of the past as of now... the only stim i actually plan on using in the future is MDMA once every 3 months maximum. only because MDMA has had such a beneficial influence on my life. it showed me that there really is such a thing as Euphoria. i cant even explain... haha.
just thinking about it makes me smile, i absolutely love that drug and think everyone needs to try it. i remember life just being absolutely perfect, and i was completely content, back when i used to use it infrequently.
i just want this year to be the year.
So I’m going back on the downlow about my sexuality, going clean (for the most part .)
goodbye all drugs (except occasional MDMA and drinking/cigs at parties only),
goodbye druggie "friends" who always need a drug to have fun,
hello drivers liscense in 4 months,
hello new and content life.
based on these past 2 weeks of quitting stims, neuro supplements, working out, just good health overall, i've got a feeling that i can achieve this sooner than i think. i already feel more "comfortable" and the world just seems aight now i guess.
thanks for reading (if you read?)
this was meant to be more of a vent/rant i guess haha %)
happy fucking new years
but i have come to the conclusion that this past year has been the absolute worst of my life.
-i was thrown out of the closet.
being openly-bisexual ended up being the best and worst thing to happen to me. i lost all of my friends since no one wants to be friends with "the gay kid", had to leave the soccer team due to verbal abuse, and things werent getting any better with my parents (who had found out years prior, only to try and disown me after being told. every cuss word you can imagine, ive been called that by them. my "dad" shoved a bible in my face a few times a week, and would hold his fist in the air in front of my face and yell "you have no fucking idea how bad i want to punch your face right now" and i would just smile and cry, telling him to do it so i'd have a reason to leave the dreaded abusive house. theres more but thats for another blog 8) )
getting through all of that had one benefit though, it made me a stronger person initially. now i'm not afraid to admit that i have the capacity to have feelings for a girl or a boy. whats in their pants isnt really what i care about, its mainly based on their personality.
-i became a pretty moderate/frequent drug user.
at the beginning of the year i was using MDMA once every few weeks, and im not sure if its the lack of quality in pills or that i lost the magic but i was beginning to "get over" rolling. i moved on to Adderall, which became my dirtiest habit to date. for a good 2-3 months i used it every few days, combining the amphetamine-induced damage with my already depressed mindset lead to incredible self-hatred. this only to me moving on to "diet pills" to give me an everyday boost and helped convince myself that i would become comfortable with myself soon enough
i've finnally managed to quit using stimulants. which i ended up using every consecutive day for the past 3 months. -Depression turned to emotional numbness
Right around when i started using Adderall, my depression (diagnosed too) just turned into emotional numbness. i couldn't connect with any of my friends, didnt have the desire to go out and make myself available, which im thinking was/is due to self-hatred. it's the worst thing in the world. i would want to cry, want to be happy, want to laugh with my friends but i just couldnt. luckily after recently quitting stimulants im starting to feel back to myself again, hopefully i can recover from whatever caused it and be able to act like myself and have fun again.
aaanyways,
i've decided to make this year (end of Junior year, beginning of Senior year) my fucking year. gotta turn everything around.
i've already been working out 6x/week minimum (im not fat or anything, just not as skinny as i'd like), began taking a few neuro supplements. St. johns wort to help upregulate 5-HT (serotonin) receptors so maybe i'll get my emotions back, and a few others. Stimulants are a thing of the past as of now... the only stim i actually plan on using in the future is MDMA once every 3 months maximum. only because MDMA has had such a beneficial influence on my life. it showed me that there really is such a thing as Euphoria. i cant even explain... haha.
just thinking about it makes me smile, i absolutely love that drug and think everyone needs to try it. i remember life just being absolutely perfect, and i was completely content, back when i used to use it infrequently.
i just want this year to be the year.
So I’m going back on the downlow about my sexuality, going clean (for the most part .)
goodbye all drugs (except occasional MDMA and drinking/cigs at parties only),
goodbye druggie "friends" who always need a drug to have fun,
hello drivers liscense in 4 months,
hello new and content life.
based on these past 2 weeks of quitting stims, neuro supplements, working out, just good health overall, i've got a feeling that i can achieve this sooner than i think. i already feel more "comfortable" and the world just seems aight now i guess.
thanks for reading (if you read?)
this was meant to be more of a vent/rant i guess haha %)
happy fucking new years
