Why did you have to kill yourself? I wish you knew how much I love you. I was a bad sister, I left you with dad all alone when I should have been closer. A year before I had considered bringing you over to stay with us but we decided it might not be good for Caleb who was 8 at the time.
IF I KNEW THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED I WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A HEARTBEAT!
I can't believe I could have helped you but I didn't! I fucking love you, chaits. I FUCKING LOVE YOU LIKE THE BABY BROTHER THAT YOU ARE!
WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU REACH OUT TO ME??? Why wasn't I there for you more? But I will never understand why you killed yourself without a last phone call. You didn't even try to contact me. Didn't you think I cared about you?
I have SO MANY REGRETS! SO MANY! But nothing I can ever say or do will bring you back so all I can say is I'm sorry and I loved you more than anything. And I just want you to know that.
You will never leave my heart and mind. We are tightly bound by our experiences and by the fucked up dad we have. Every step of my life I will be making it up to you. Everything I do to pull myself out of this hole is for you. If I couldn't save you, I'll save someone else.
Your death gave me the final push to become a mental health professional and all my work is dedicated to you. Every day I don't want to get out of bed, I'll do it for you. It's all I can do but it still doesn't feel like enough because you died not knowing how much you mean to me. You weren't just my little brother. You're my little baby brother.
I COULD HAVE FUCKING SAVED YOU, I KNOW IT! I got through it and so could you. I saved myself but I failed you.
WHY DIDN'T I SEE THE SIGNS? WHY DID I LET DAD GET IN THE WAY? I was so mad at dad that by ignoring him, I wasn't there for you.
That time you rang me from the psychiatric ward, I realized you look up to me and when you were in pain I was the one you reached out to. I feel like I let you down by not helping you more. But why didn't you make a phone call when you were desperate again?
I truly hope that you wanted to but lost my number. Or you were so lost that there were no options left
I could have MADE there be options. I would have done anything to save your life.
DYING IN THE WOODS ALONE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? I guess you didn't think you'd be found BUT YOU WERE! So NOW WHAT? Those trees are burnt in my mind, the tons of snake holes or whatever they were.
I can wish whatever I want but none of it brings you back. You died how and where you died; I'm not here to proscribe the ways you could have made it easier on us.
Just know I love you, okay? Yeah, I fucked up. But now I'm gonna focus on not making myself another casualty.
IF I KNEW THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED I WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A HEARTBEAT!
I can't believe I could have helped you but I didn't! I fucking love you, chaits. I FUCKING LOVE YOU LIKE THE BABY BROTHER THAT YOU ARE!
WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU REACH OUT TO ME??? Why wasn't I there for you more? But I will never understand why you killed yourself without a last phone call. You didn't even try to contact me. Didn't you think I cared about you?
I have SO MANY REGRETS! SO MANY! But nothing I can ever say or do will bring you back so all I can say is I'm sorry and I loved you more than anything. And I just want you to know that.
You will never leave my heart and mind. We are tightly bound by our experiences and by the fucked up dad we have. Every step of my life I will be making it up to you. Everything I do to pull myself out of this hole is for you. If I couldn't save you, I'll save someone else.
Your death gave me the final push to become a mental health professional and all my work is dedicated to you. Every day I don't want to get out of bed, I'll do it for you. It's all I can do but it still doesn't feel like enough because you died not knowing how much you mean to me. You weren't just my little brother. You're my little baby brother.
I COULD HAVE FUCKING SAVED YOU, I KNOW IT! I got through it and so could you. I saved myself but I failed you.
WHY DIDN'T I SEE THE SIGNS? WHY DID I LET DAD GET IN THE WAY? I was so mad at dad that by ignoring him, I wasn't there for you.
That time you rang me from the psychiatric ward, I realized you look up to me and when you were in pain I was the one you reached out to. I feel like I let you down by not helping you more. But why didn't you make a phone call when you were desperate again?
I truly hope that you wanted to but lost my number. Or you were so lost that there were no options left
I could have MADE there be options. I would have done anything to save your life.
DYING IN THE WOODS ALONE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? I guess you didn't think you'd be found BUT YOU WERE! So NOW WHAT? Those trees are burnt in my mind, the tons of snake holes or whatever they were.
I can wish whatever I want but none of it brings you back. You died how and where you died; I'm not here to proscribe the ways you could have made it easier on us.
Just know I love you, okay? Yeah, I fucked up. But now I'm gonna focus on not making myself another casualty.