leisure <please critique>

[colicolo]

again i'm pleeding 'why'
cause it feels like forever
forever since i've been touched
forever since i've held someone
forever since i've had that rush

this lonliness creeps in so thick
the darkness when i left this morning
the darkness when i got home
agression is now dawning

how much longer will i ignore
the light missing in my heart
the light that blinds me as i work
the noise thats tearing me apart

'all you do is work'

i do sugar, not happy
i do caffine, not sleep
i do live, not radio
i do work, not weep

swept away
driven hard
fuck the security
i've got a job to do

what is me
the haunting question
and how i long to meet her
the one who understands
i dont mean she has to agree
i'm after friends not fans

so far from failing
i've never let them down
covered their crisis
sealed and secured
but the payslip never reads 'thankyou'

when somethings happened
its me they wake up
but the devils' shadow is my lonliness
and i was never really asleep
still i havent woken
still i live alone

 

[ControlDenied]

Wow! Now I'm reminded how dark and desperate we Bluelighters are! Nice poem....but think; if you were me, how much would you whine? I've never experienced what you describe

 

[colicolo]

i like to believe that poetry is sometimes a way of turning something sad into something beautiful, something dead into something living and something lost into something discovered. i may not be right, but i like to believe.

 

[New]

It's a rather jarring piece of poetry, the way it slides from rhyme to reason(at least how I see it).

I'd say it's a fine piece of work.

 

[IXinX]

Your staggered style is unflinchingly honest without mincing over the heart of the matter. I can quite easily tell all these questions asked in this poem, are ones asked on perhaps a daily basis. When you are faced with the same questions, perhaps you nuance them or word them differently to try to make it more interesting. Or to try to get closer to finding the fucking answer....

The fact that you chose the title of this piece to be leisure, instead of being about it's polar opposite only sprays forth another slew of possibilities. I even imagined this piece to be about love (leisure?) being on the platform whilst you are on a steam-train gtfo-ing.

maybe some of the wordings, like the sugar=happy couplets could have been better thought out, maybe..... that is my only criticism. I am abashed to even suggest a criticism as this sort of writing, so immediate and sudden and unedited speaks directly to a person like me


A+++ (with a healthy bias due to the subject matter)

 

[colicolo]

thanks IXinX, I really appreciate your feedback. This one was written after a very long week at work when I was travelling through this questions constantly (and still am a little). When I stoped writing it still didnt feel complete, like a very rough draft. Looking at your sugesstions I can see this piece does have some potential.

Cheers,

Col

 

[IXinX]

No Probs!

:d