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leave now or wait? please help.

J

jennyjade

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 30, 2014
Messages
21
A little background:

my bf and I have been together off and on for 5 years now. He has a child from his previous marriage and I have 2 girls from my previous and we have a 2 year old girl together.

My bf breaks up with me everytime we go through something. Especially, if it has to do with me asking for something that he doesn't feel should be done. I don't ask for much, but there are 3 to 4 things that are very important to me in a relationship that I've been huge on.

One of our previous break ups he started dating this girl for a few months. I was pregnant with our child at the time. I had a couple complications woth the pregnancy and when I was on bed rest, he was out with this girl instead of with me at the hospital or at home. After having the baby, he and I decided to try working on our relationship. I asked that he cut this girl out of the picture. Well of course it was a huge fight and I was wrong and he wasn't going to stop being friends with her the whole nine. After a week he came around and agreed and we started working on us.

We had only been back together a few weeks, maybe a month, and u found out he was messaging her. Apologizing for things he did and that he cared for her and bla bla bla. I found out, he and I got into a huge fight. We got through it and were together for a year and a half.

Everything seemed good until I noticed him threatening to end our relationship when we got into a minor argument. First time he had done that since being back together, but immediately caught it and we didn't break uo. A month later he breaks up with me over and immediately starts talking to this girl again. How he misses her, how he loved her, that if she is ever single again to come see him so they can work in them l. That kind of stuff. Two weeks later, he attempts to work on us, but refused to cut her out of his life. So we split for a year.

Now:

Recent, back in july, we decided to try since we have the kids. I did see that right before we got back together, she was sending him nude pics and they were chit chatting all kinds of stuff. When he and I got together, he didn't stop talking to her, but limited it. Or so I thought.

A week ago, he broke up with me over an argument we had about his father. His dad is here everyday all day and I asked that he didn't come 2 to 3 days of the week so we could have it as just our family. Originally he was okay with it, but now he isn't and ended us. Immediately I noticed he started talking to that girl again. And come to find out he had her number in his phone as a guys name. So he had been talking to her secretly.

He said that I have to move but that I could stay through the holidays. But, being here hurts like hell. Especially since I know he's talking to other women, including that one I mentioned. I'm trying to think rationally and not off of impulse. Should I stay through the holidays and then start working on getting on my feet and leave or should I do it now amd just get the process started? I've been a stay at home mom for a long time, so I'm starting from scratch. I'll manage and get on my feet again. But being here hurts and depresses me. So I just wonder if it's best I go now as opposed to after the holidays.
 
You should go so he has more freedom to have children with women he'll end up breaking up with. And likewise you'll have freedom to do the same.

I'm jealous I don't get to spread my genes around like that.

Or then you could both try to grow up but hey why bother.
 
Also, I forgot to mention two months ago, we got into a argument over his father and he started talking to her and downloaded her pictures to his phone! I just wonder if he hasn't gotten over her and still desires her.
 
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Unfortunately, I'm not one who is worried about dating people. I'm focused on trying to work on what needs to be and getting on my feet. Dating is the last thing on my mind.

He ended it with me and I'm not giving him a hard time about it. It hurts, but I'm letting it go because that is out of my control and I'm working on getting myself back on my feet. So he's a free man to do as he pleases, regardless of how I feel about it. But yeah, leaving to give him the space and freedom to live his life is probably the best thing and not wait.

As for growing up, I'm not the one who ends our relationship over everything I don't like to hear or when things get rough. I've actually put things that meant the most to me aside just to compromise and make this work.

I don't nag him, give him he'll about who he talks to. He has a few female friends that I don't mind at all. That doesn't bother me. But there is a such thing as boundaries and sometimes times, depending on circumstances, certain people should no longer be in the picture. He wants to go out with the guys, I'm the one who says have a great time. See you later. I give him plenty of space.

But yeah, maybe I do need to grow up in terms of realizing it'll never work and to leave the relationship alone.
 
I think there needs to be a license for people to breed. Hell you can't hunt or fish legally without a license, yet any idiot can go have as many kids as they want.
 
It sounds like you need to get proactive now so you can get back on your feet as soon as possible..don't move out hastily, but start planning now so that you have all of your ducks in a row and a great plan in place when the time comes. It might hurt to be there, but it will hurt regardless. It might be bad for your children if you just leave without a good, solid plan in place.
 
Jenny I read your other thread. So this is not so much his dad causing the break-up, he's dating someone else. I say let him go and move out soon as you can. Do you have the support of family? He sounds like a jerk, get the hell away from this guy.
 
T calderone- I thought the dad was the reason why we broke up until I started seeing the other stuff with the other women. Now I'm realizing the dad situation just gave him his out and he's running with it. He can justify and do as he pleases, I'm just focusing on getting myself together to get my own place and move out.

Beachcat- that's exactly what I'm doing. It'll all work out with time. It's just an awkward, difficult situation right now being under the same roof. But it is what it is for now.

Thank you guys for the helpful advice.
 
Sounds like its over or should be.

As for when you move out I would go for sooner than later unless you cannot afford it.

Since you are a making a go at it on your own you need to think of your financial best interests. So if staying there gives you time to find a roommate and a job it might be worth it.

Sounds like this guy used arguments as an excuse to stray. Also sounds like whem things go south with this other chick he comes to you and when shit goes bad with you he goes to her.

You really dont need that shit. If s woman cheats on me I would be stupid to not think it will happen again. It seems like the cheating bothers you and ypu dont cheat so this is not the type of relationship you want.

BTW its not normal or at least no5 healthy for ppl who cheat one another to stay together. I am open to more casual relationships but then again I don't carry a torch for a woman like that nor is it what I seek out. I suppose I take what I can get and cheat back when cheated on. But once again thats not healthy. Also thats my problem and choices.

You are not a cheater and your emotional attachment to a man who doesn't respect you is hurting you more than you probably know.

So back to my point. I suggest doing whats best for getting back on your feet and not looking back. Don't be scared to be alone. You often find someone great when you are not even looking and don't devalue yourself. This type of relationship can fuck up your self esteem and well just dont let it.
 
Thanks Dopemaster. I really appreciate your input. You are definitely on point. It does hurt, BAD, but it is what it is and i'll get through it. It's my fault I'm in this situation. I'm the one who came back.

Staying through the holidays would definitely be beneficial financially since I'm starting over from square 1. That and I'm able to stay with my kids (was planning on leaving them here so I didn't uproot my middle schooler in the middle of the year when she's doing really good for the first time. Despite his and my issues, he is a very good father, has a home, has a good income coming in. It's stable here. So was thinking of doing that just until I got my own place which I'm aiming to have within 3 to 5 months.) So being here is a bonus, but it's really hard.

Hes been going out all the time. Talking to his new prospects. Family will be here from time to time, and of course they are sour with me. I worry, because from the past, that he'll end up tossing me out before the holidays if we end up arguing. Which I try to avoid at all cost, but sometimes he gets in his moods and he pushes. I understand that most of these things I'll have to just ignore and deal with but I feel like leaving sooner would be better. My biggest issue is that i'm having a very very hard time leaving my kids. Just the thought brings me to tears. So I'm going to have to make a decision on when to I'm going to leave. Blaaaaaa
 
jennyjade said:
But yeah, maybe I do need to grow up in terms of realizing it'll never work and to leave the relationship alone.
Click to expand...

^ this

The guy sounds like an emotionally abusive, selfish, manipulative asshole. You will only realise how he's gradually crushed your spirit and destroyed your self esteem after you move out.

Get out as soon as you can, get your children out as soon as you can. He sounds toxic and immature, children need love and honesty more than money...
 
Lola you're right! He has definitely crushed my spirit over the years. We seperated a little over a year ago and we're seperated for a year. I was so depressed that entire year. Never in my life have I hurt so bad over someone. Then what does my dumb ass do this past july? Agree to go back in hopes that we can work on everything. But, it's never going to change. I'm simply not the one for him.

My kids don't need this back and forth mess and neither do i. So I'm looking into shelters as we speak and I'm going.
 
Good on you girl, fingers crossed -hope it goes as well as possible, stay strong!! <3
 
Good for you, you need to get out of that relationship. He is not good for you at all.
 
No he's not. It's really hard on me that I'm going through this alone. All this support has helped me a lot the past couple days. Thank you guys.
 
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