Lazy Professionals

When I was in rehab my therapist said that she had no doubt in her mind that I would do fine with the recovery aspect of my addiction. Her concern was regarding acceptance of the mental health side of my diagnosis.

This is still fucking with me. This is how my paperwork reads:

Diagnosis: 303.91 Alcoh Dep Nec/nos-contin​

Axis I: cocaine dependence, heroin abuse, alcohol abuse, nicotine dependence, r/o depression recurrent, drug induced mood d/o​

Axis II: Deferred​

Axis IV: D+A, unemployed, living alone​

Axis V: Current functioning: 50​

They never diagnosed me for ANYTHING. I was never in a room with a psychiatrist or psychologist for more than 5 minutes. I was never assessed, diagnosed or even paid attention to by you fuckers. You went strictly by what happened 17 years ago after my last rehab. You fuckers threw pills at me in 1993 because I was fucking sad. Everyone gets sad, man. Why the pills?

Why am I bringing this up now? Recently, more than one person has mentioned that I may have a eating disorder. They mentioned that my comments regarding my perception of my body are indicative of a disorder and not necessarily my eating habits.

I don't think I have a disorder but... that lady at the rehab's words are fucking with me. Am I unable to accept that I have mental health issues? Yes, I sometimes feel utter loathing for myself but this is nothing compared to the sheer hatred i used to feel towards myself.

I dunno... how can you piggy-back a 17 year old 'diagnosis'? How can you say I have mental health issues when none of my Axis indicate this anyway? You typed that shit out and now you wanna say some shit off the fucking record.

Go fuck yourself. I'm good now. You have no idea how good I am right here, right now.

 

Exactly. Diagnoses are not necessarily permanent, and more importantly you are not your diagnosis. You are you.

I can't comment on the eating disorder thing, as I don't have enough info. What I will say though is that many bodybuilding-types will have a body-dysmorphic issue where they perceive themselves as being smaller than they are, which drives them to get even bigger, etc... I'm not saying that's you, but maybe that's where that person's comment comes from?

 

you mentioned on my blog about my fitness pal that you can be a bit obsessive about using it. perhaps that is factoring into people's opinions?

Dave had some good advice too. i do not think mental health diagnoses are that important other than for billing insurance companies. you are you ( who is pretty awesome), you are not words on a papier

 

thanks guys. Dave, I can somewhat see what you are referring to. I do not consider myself to be a 'body builder type' but I go to the gym everyday (sometimes twice a day, on occasion three times a day). Many people make comments about how 'muscular' I am or how 'big' I am. I don't see it. Yeah, I do see muscle and tone but not at the level they are referring to.

I stopped using MyFitnessPal because it was making me miserable. I absolutely HAD to record everything I ate. The obsessive behavior was driving me crazy. To replace that I modified my diet. Nothing but natural sugars, lean meats and very minimal fats.

Some days I think I look disgusting in the mirror, some days I think I look pretty damn good. I fucking hate the fat I have. It makes me feel disgusting and I see the two extremes at the gym... naked, fat, pasty old guy and the exact opposite, prime examples of the male form. I look in the mirror and I don't ever want to be 'fat, pasty, old guy' but I'll never be a greek god without the aid of steroids (which I am unwilling to do)

Fuck it... the exact nature of my concerns are based on acceptance by others. Its fucked up but I would like to have the woman I eventually get involved with to be attracted to me. Insecurity. I'm fearful that when I do find that special woman, I won't be good enough because there is always someone out there much, much better than me in every area. So I push hard but no matter how much I improve myself, there is always many more so much better than me

Yeah, I'm a pussy with my mentality but if I don't get honest with my motives, fears, desires then I can never work on improving myself and lessening the times that I indulge in total self-centered hatred for myself.

Thanks for thinking highly of me. Sometimes I see i but sometimes I don't

 

i think you nailed it when you said you have issues with insecurity. it seems to pop up lots of times in your blog and you spend a lot of time dwelling on what people will think of you.

but i do think you are insane for going to the gym on your own. and more than once a day

 

I agree OD; I don't think that you have an ED, but there might be a bit of BDD in there. You're right fit, man. To be honest, to get completely ripped you'd have to deprive yourself of so much as to be of little value. Be strong, and let your kindness shine through!

We've all got insecurtiy; I know that I've got it in spades. Good days and bad, you know? You've got the right idea on this though-- never mind the haters, and keep doing what you know works.

 

here is a wiki page on BDD in case you are curious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

from what i know of you, you seem to either give it your all or you don't bother doing it.

 

You know who you are better than anyone. Someone that talked to you for 5 minutes can't possibly tell YOU who you are.

I agree though- everyone is insecure to a degree. I'm VERY insecure. People tell me that I'm beautiful, hot, etc. but I just don't see it. Until Dave and animal_cookie mentioned it, I didn't even think of BDD but you might want to take a look at the link above.

 

I can relate to many of the attributes, symptoms and characteristics in that wiki. At first my reaction was 'fuck, I have this' but then I realized that that refers to everyone (meaning anyone can read that and apply it to themselves)

I do have some concerns now, though. My physical defects are fixable or able to be 'hidden' though.

Thanks for the input, honesty and kind words, guys. I hang with people IRL nowadays that pretty much call it as they see it. They don't mean harm. I think they just actually do care.

fuck it

 

Everyone has those traits to an extent, yes. It's only when it gets in the way of life that it becomes pathological. hustla said it best: you know you better than anyone. Keep in mind that self-diagnosis is tricky, but I don't know if you have too much to worry about on this.

The reason BDD came to mind is that I do suffer from it (officially diagnosed and everything). A bit of what you've said seemed familiar to me, but it could just as easily be your balls-to-the-wall, all-out approach to life coupled with run-of-the-mill insecurity that we all have.

Damn, that was a lot of hyphens just then.

 

I think all guys have that. I think they use the wrong side of the ruler.

Here is something I said to someone recently in pm. It sounds like you can relate.


"As far as the medical community and I are concerned, especially the psychiatric, they are guilty of numerous injustices against patients through ignorance and or egotism. I have run into pill mill doctors more often than not, and without regard to efficacy they always prescribe the new pill that they got mousepads, pens, and other kickbacks for.

There is an inherently flawed supposition that depression, anxiety, and other symptoms are diseases in themselves. If you have a shit life, and you get depressed, your life has to change... you cant simply take a drug to make you not care or notice your situation. (Ive tried, hence my substance abuse) Cocaine addicted mice will discontinue self administration when environmental factors improve and stressors are removed. This means adequate space, food, water, and opportunities for socialization with other mice."