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Last post for a while, feel sad

SunSpot

SunSpot

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
161
Location
The Desert
Hi All,

it's been over a month since last opioids and 9 days since last nicotine now. I'm leaving for a little holiday today and am just bummed beyond belief. Some of you may have read of my taper from the kratom taper, of how things were improving after 3 days. Then stupid nerve pain in my arm forced me back to kratom for relief.

I must admit I've used the occasion to binge a bit, though that has been a laughable failure. 40g in one day does nothing except give me a headache. The reason I'm so bummed it's that all this quitting seems to have been for naught. I had really wanted to do this trip 100% sober. It meant a lot to me.

Now I'm even checking luggage so i don't have to take krat through customs in person. Yes there is still some pain, but i have no clue whether itd truly be unbearable without kratom. But I'm too afraid to find out, and too exhausted from quitting those other two substances and even kratom to even consider jumping off into that pool of despair, pain and burning muscles again.

People here may have far bigger problems, but this is mine, and the karma of it just sucks. Like getting praise when you haven't earned it, but 100X worse.
 
Hey Sunspot, I can understand your disappointment but you don't have to stay stuck in it. Enjoy your vacation as pain free as possible and just use the time to rest your mind from worry--about anything! Forgiving yourself, self-acceptance and patience with the whole process of living will do you wonders. It's good to have goals but in this case I worry that the number you are doing on yourself may be worse than cutting your taper short. I hope that you have a wonderful time.<3
 
Thanks herbavore yes it's wonderful here! We did a 10km rain forest hike this morning which was awesome. I'm a bit jealous that i can't do the rafting etc but that's ok. My hostel is really nice, and the people here are friendlier and more interesting than at any hotel.

Still taking the krat daily but not a lot. I'm fighting hard not to gain weight too fast, the food here is just muy bueno.

For what it's worth I'll quit again before my flight back. And I'll have to be sure not to start drinking at home (sigh), as the Stupid group of vfrenchies that shared my room insisted on sharing their rum as well. Drinking makes me do stupid things:(

But Sobriety is frightening me again after the krat "relapse", wtf is wrong with me there? I Don't mind being stone cold sober to get things done, if i know there's some little pill, powder, resin herb whatever waiting for me at the end of the day. Or really interesting sex, now that that part off me finally works again. But i need just something. Any ideas for a different life coping strategy that won't come with stds or loss of motivation / other drug downsides?

I'm still just so tired of quitting after that arm thing, for petes sake i ate one leaf off every medicinal plant in the local botanical garden. How craven can one be?
 
wtf is wrong with me there?
Click to expand...

Absolutely nothing my friend. Recovery is about the journey not about the destination. As you recover you will learn new things about yourself. Relapse is just part of your story, just as it is part of mine. If you beat yourself up over it, you will stay in the problem rather than actively seek the solution.

What are your hobbies? A good coping mechanism is to find something you enjoy doing and focus on it. Sometimes when something happens that hurts my soul I just go out in my garden and pull a few weeds. It is something I can control, something that makes sense to me in a chaotic world.

There is nothing wrong with interesting sex. Just be wary that it does not become an addictive behavior.
 
SunSpot said:
But Sobriety is frightening me again after the krat "relapse", wtf is wrong with me there? I Don't mind being stone cold sober to get things done, if i know there's some little pill, powder, resin herb whatever waiting for me at the end of the day. Or really interesting sex, now that that part off me finally works again. But i need just something. Any ideas for a different life coping strategy that won't come with stds or loss of motivation / other drug downsides?
Click to expand...

I truly believe that when you are frightened to be alone your self--with no mind altering substance to mask or cloud the emotions--that it is a golden opportunity to understand just how separated you have become from yourself. It is a process that starts happening in childhood for most of us and it is insidious because we think it is just normal growing up. You sound like someone that loves a thrill--so what kind of life could you fashion for yourself that involves lots of adrenaline?

One thing that I do know is that asking yourself 'what is wrong with me' can be a very useful and rational question but changing the phrasing ever so slightly takes the self-defeating blame out of it and replaces that with compassion. what if you asked "what am I getting out of staying in this state of constant craving?" Maybe it is nothing more than familiarity that you get out of it. I know when I have honestly asked and answered that question for myself the usual answer I'm forced to face is that I am afraid of failure. I don't know what answer you will find but if you treat yourself like an earnest explorer taking wrong path after wrong path while seeking the right path you can stop wasting time judging yourself and start to respect even your wrong turns as leading you somewhere where you learned something.

And I have to ask, where are you that the food is muy bueno? My son is in Central America right now....maybe you've crossed paths!:)
 
Hi Herba,

I'm back home, gladly and sadly! Went backpacking in Costa Rica, that was just awesome. The people are very friendly there, and yes in some sodas the food is really good, this one place had just divine beef stew they served with the rice / black beans mix and fried plantains.

I know i am a thrill seeker, and it bothers me to no end sometimes. I try and try to picture a life clean (which i really truly want), but it scares me. The weirdest thing is i was kind of ready for it, but the darn nerve pain drove me to break my rules. I hope to build up the mental muscles again to jump off krat and coffee and etc. I'm happy to have stayed away from opioids and especially nicotine, that was tough. 4 hours of sleep daily don't help..

Again, as for being a thrill seeker, i see this as a curse. Only stupid me would climb turrialba volcano when it's erupting, or harvest a nest of killer bees from a pine tree with a shop vac and saw at 2am, freeze it to kill the inside bees then harvest the honey. Which is what i did, then made the yucky black honey into met. It was the last alcohol in the house, I'm praying that I'll resist the urge to drink more today. Should never have allowed myself the holiday ' exception', that's a stupid extra monkey on my back.

Anyways when I'm at the pc I'll see if this site allows to post some pics, CR is gorgeous! Pura Via everyone!
 
I loved my time in CR working with an iboga shaman a couple years back. Amazing country. Awesome LGBTQI scene there too, some seriously pretty drag queens for sure, plus lots of beautiful hetero women for me ;)

Yes, pics pretty please! %)
 
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