last night i forgot who i was

[hydroazuanacaine]

last night i forgot who i was. i didn't know where i was. i didn't know anything. for some reason i thought i had to get on my bike and go somewhere. i put a camera in a plastic baggie (i have no idea why) and got on my bike and left.

part way through i forgot how to ride a bike and fell down. somehow i knew my name and address so i kept on repeating those to myself in case a cop stopped me. my phone died because it was cold but there is a gps unit i have for my bike so i punched my address into that, got on the bike, somehow knew how to ride again, and followed the gps home (apartment building). luckily there were keys in my pocket. i went in and through muscle memory or something walked to my apartment. it was unlocked so i went in.

i plugged my phone into a charger and wandered around looking for clues about who i was. when my phone turned on i had like 50 emails from my home security cam company telling me i had footage to watch. i sat down to watch it, thinking it would help me figure out what was going on, and fell asleep. i woke up (today) to a call from my psychologist. i told him what happened and started crying because i was scared and also happy i somehow knew who he was. he wants me to tell people but i don't know who. if i tell anyone in real life i'm going to get put in an institution and get electric shock therapy or those shots people don't like or something else horrible.

all the security cam footage is me just wandering around my apartment confused. it's from when i got back. my security cams didn't know it was me because they use my phone gps to know that and my phone was frozen (like an ice cube, not stuck). when i woke up today, open on my computer was a girl (clothed) blowing a kiss again and again. it was either a gif or an mp4. the file name was numbers. i clicked out of it right away, so i don't know if it was from the internet or my hard drive. i know who the little girl is. she is a fashion celebrity kinda like elle fanning was before movies made her famous. i don't know what the significance of that is. i checked my recent calls and texts and nothing out of the ordinary except me pretending to know who i was in a few text convos.

i don't know what to do. i don't know if i took a drug but i don't know what i drug i have that would do that all the sudden. i have lsd but you would have to be tripping for that to happen. i was not in a trip. i don't know what to do.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

I have been there, hydro, long ago in my past. It's great you are still here and "ok". Start with that and work it all out step by step. Above all "Don't Panic!", seriously. I know from personal experience that it is all too easy at this point to get caught in a though loop, trying to piece it all together.

As a friend, this might be a good time to give disso's a tolerance break. No judgement here either, trust me. I still enjoy my disso's and probably always will. I've experienced some frighteningly real experiences from disso's that I could not distinguish from reality despite them changing everything that I ever thought I knew.

 

[LandsUnknown]

Were you drinking? Is there anything that you took that was different than usual? If not and you truly can't explain this, it might be a good idea to get this checked out to make sure it isn't a medical issue. The only thing I can think of from what you said is that if you handled the acid with wet hands or carried it in your pocket and spilled something on yourself, it's possible that enough of it could've absorbed through your skin and caused you to trip without realizing what was going on.

Though, as you said, you most likely would've realized that you were tripping. Especially if you've taken hallucinogens before. However, I have heard stories of people who somehow accidentally took acid or were dosed without their consent and didn't realize that they were tripping and completely lost their shit without realizing it. If there's no way that you could've accidentally dosed yourself somehow and didn't take anything that even possibly could've caused this, you probably get checked out.

There's no reason to think they'd institutionalize you or anything like that. You called your psychologist, and given the fact that he didn't institutionalize you or anything like that, there's no reason to think that a doctor would. Also, go through the history on your computer and phone. Perhaps, you'll find something that gives you a clue as to what you were doing when this happened. Also, did you wake up in the night and this happened or was it before you went to sleep?

 

[Shady's Fox]

Were you drinking? Is there anything that you took that was different than usual? If not and you truly can't explain this, it might be a good idea to get this checked out to make sure it isn't a medical issue. The only thing I can think of from what you said is that if you handled the acid with wet hands or carried it in your pocket and spilled something on yourself, it's possible that enough of it could've absorbed through your skin and caused you to trip without realizing what was going on.

Though, as you said, you most likely would've realized that you were tripping. Especially if you've taken hallucinogens before. However, I have heard stories of people who somehow accidentally took acid or were dosed without their consent and didn't realize that they were tripping and completely lost their shit without realizing it. If there's no way that you could've accidentally dosed yourself somehow and didn't take anything that even possibly could've caused this, you probably get checked out.

There's no reason to think they'd institutionalize you or anything like that. You called your psychologist, and given the fact that he didn't institutionalize you or anything like that, there's no reason to think that a doctor would. Also, go through the history on your computer and phone. Perhaps, you'll find something that gives you a clue as to what you were doing when this happened. Also, did you wake up in the night and this happened or was it before you went to sleep?

I remember that scene with Sean from ''SLC Punk'', haha. Yeah this might happend, you never know. If you didn't trip, go to your doctor. You might have some form of mental illness, I don't what yet, it sounds like psychosis but it also sounds made up. When, right -- listen, when you lie yourself enough your brain will actually create those lies, he will project them and you get this.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

it was not lsd. serotonin hallucinogens have too many tells. if i was tripping on acid, other things would have been messed up like the carpet, walls, and my gps screen.

what could have happened is i had my scale set to the wrong mode or read it a decimal off and shot 100mg instead of 10mg of a pcp analog. i don't know; how could i not notice the visible difference between 10 and 100mg when making the shot. how would i even get 100mg to dissolve in 1/2ml of water. i shoot with 1cc syringes and never use the full cc because that makes it hard to register. still, that is second best guess.

my best guess is i had some sort of mental breakdown. maybe a normal amount of pcp analog helped trigger it. by triggered i don't mean like i shot the drug and then it immediately happened, because i could connect those dots. but maybe using them in general and/or being high on them that day helped trigger the mental break. i know i was really outside riding my bike because there is video footage of me coming back inside and the entire right side of my body hurts from falling on the bike.

to be clear, i didn't call my psychologist. he called me. apparently we had a scheduled call. i can tell him anything. you cannot tell doctors you forgot who you were. they will report you. i know this. come on; you must know this too. i live in the usa if that helps anyone who thinks i can just tell a doctor about this. i already know i am mentally ill, but it is usually not this extreme. and yes, i absolutely need to give dissos a break.

my browsing history is looking at film (like rolls of unexposed film to buy) and hard drives. my recently opened files is screen shots of payment confirmations and receipts. one of the people i was texting with in an associate not a friend, and they are emailing me about projects like normal today so it is clear they did not find anything too unbelievable about my acting like i knew who i was over text. i guess it is pretty easy to act over text, when they are not able to see you.

i'm not really asking you all to guess at what happened, but it is fine if you do. i just need to tell someone, and you all are easy to tell because you cannot have me committed like a person from my real life.

i guess the only thing to do is move on. like someone said, i am ok. i keep on with life.