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Last day plans?

Drugs...meth mostly... and to end it all at last hour if there was time clock ticking OD on opiates to just sleep peacefully away.
 
semigenius said:
Just something I thought of: What if you decide to not go through with it? The police will go there, find no one, and trace the call and find you. You'd be in trouble for faking a 911 call or be sent to a hospital on suicide watch. Just something I realized that you may want to think about.

Also, about the photo, another user said that it may send the coworker the wrong message. I would definitely not bring that photo. It could really mess that guy up.

Anyway, I respect your decision to do it, but I must say this: I believe in Heaven, but are you willing to risk it? What if there is no Heaven? I just think that you should think about that before doing it, since it seems to be a big part of your plan.
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I understand all of these concerns, and have considered them seriously for several years so don't take my response as dismissive.

point one, this is not going to fail. when you call in and give them gps derived latitude and longitude they're going to have a hard time not finding me. If I find Jesus after I've already made the call I doubt I'll get in any trouble. Right now I have three lawyers who bought stuff with my money and are all up to their eyeballs in facts about me that would drive anyone to suicide. And what's funny about that is they're not really even defending me against any real threats yet - but they are prepared.

Second, the picture probably is a bad idea. Scratch that.

Third, I'm not expecting Heaven. I'm expecting one of two things: the last second to last forever through my mind's eye, or a nothing so empty that it isn't even black.
 
cb, I really can imagine how much you have your heart set on this plan. It seems to be the easy way out of your problems and I can tell you're looking forward to it. But I really wish you would see that there are other solutions to this problem which you should look in to. Please try, you are capable of overcoming this.
 
Here's the problem: a person has three choices if they have finally trained themselves to realize that suicide is, all jokes aside, option number 1.

The second and third options both start with not committing suicide, but the difference is attitude.

Option two is holding onto this rare and beautiful life, appreciating the absolute cosmic luck that we are not only complex organisms capable of appreciating and becoming energized by our own advancements and individual contributions' but also being clever enough to manipulate ourselves into believing every day that even if all of these highly developed internal and external factors turn on an individual and create misery for an extended period of time, that this life is a necessity and will eventually get better and create new strength that will make navigating through "tough times" easier in the future. This option requires the development of an ultimate purpose if someone is terminally depressed, and requires a lot of perserverence.

The the third option is to ignore the urge to commit suicide for as long as possible without confronting the internal and external forces causing suicide to be an obvious and suitable solution for being a conscious human.

I think I speak for more than myself when I say that I am terminally depressed. You are all correct, I absolutely do not have to commit suicide. I can work through this, because I have a choice. However, I did not choose to have these options. In other words, I did not choose to exist. My older brother doesn't have to make this choice because he was aborted. I am fully aware that I am in a state of psychosis because I really don't know why exactly I'm going to do this. I just know that every time I don't put this to an end, I regret it - and the regret is like a virus that grows less dormant as time goes by. Now it has evolved into a normal part of my personal thoughts, so normal in fact that I think and plan the end whether I am happy, sad, wearing a hat, or petting a cat. I think about it while eating a lollipop, and also at the record shop.

I'm really not even sure why I'm posting anymore, other than the fact that I enjoy the sound of my own voice. And maybe someone out there who is about to commit suicide on a compulsive note will stop and think for a minute. I know I'm hurting people by writing this, too, though, and I am sorry about that. I am hurting everyone who knows. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again.
 
captainballs said:
I am hurting everyone who knows. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again.
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Then, don't do this.

I hear what you're saying man, I really do. And like I said before, I appreciate the fact that you have your heart set on this. But there are other options. I don't belive that the 3 options you listed are the only ones available. When was the last time you got therapy? Are you on medication now?

Have you decided on a date? I'm sure all the people on here who love you and who are your friends would appreciate knowing how much time we have left with you <3
 
i am terminally in progressive pain, which sounds pretty permanently depressing all the while!

but NO.

it would very very economically beneficial to the state and my family if i were to die, the misery of the pain/disease/syndrome/auto immune d/o would soon be forgotten, and im certain they would know id be in a better place(if you believe in all that), the strain and struggle would be over for them too, it alllmost seems selfish for me to put who ever is close to me through it as well, its inevitable.

it is inevitable, it is with me the rest of my natural life, but it doesnt have to define my character in a negative way, it doesnt have to limit my capabilities, because now i have many i havent discovered of yet, it leaves me at the mercy of the state to pay for medications, doctors, hospitals, food and daily "living", but from that "helplessness" i must discover a new way to think, behave, help, and contribute from what i learn from the sick pain that is my fucked up destiny, but why? there is a reason...

there is a reason for you, and i to "permanently" struggle, utter integrity is one, this darkness you are in and want more of, will bring the true light out of you! im serious! please tell me you read this, i hope you do and it makes sense... very much.
 
cb time can heal all pain dude. atleast give you other options of 2 & 3 a chance and see if your outlook changes any. there is just so much a single person can do for ppl.
 
cb said:
People like that with so much capacity for feeling deserve so much more
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you deserve as much. it is obvious how much empathy you hold. not trying to get all jesusfreak but finances, legalese, money, it's all a game. just live. the only decisions/actions you can control are your own. there is a way towards a healthier state of mind, there always is. you may need to chemically alter your brain, see a therapist, or both. at least try those before going
 
Me too <3
cb I really hope you can get through this without suicide being the answer.
 
my post in your other thread about this says a lot. but I wanted to add that you are one of the few posters on BL that has intrigued me since day one. you're one of the only BLers that I have seriously wondered what you were like IRL. I don't think I've ever seen a picture of your face, but I have a total picture in my head of who you are. I could be totally wrong of course. but one thing I would've never pegged you as, is someone who would commit suicide.

seriously man, if 95% of BLers would have posted this thread, it wouldn't even have been a blip on my radar. but you are captainballs. as soon as I heard you posted this I had to come in here and say something. I don't peruse TDS on the regular but IMO this thread requires my input. if I didn't say something I would've regretted it forever. all I can say is dude I hope you snap out of this.

<3
 
Bidcore said:
In my personal opinion, i feel that it's slightly selfish to your friends and family to commit suicide. Think about how they would feel if you ended it in that manner. If you can't talk it through with them or try seek help you could maybe... but to me there's always another option. Lifestyle changes. Even something extreme as moving away. A fresh start and a clean slate can reinvigorate some peoples lives.
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Suicide is not selfish.

People who say that have obviously never been depressed.
 
I have a chronic pain condition called trigeminal neuralgia that is never going to get better. In fact if the liturature on it is any indication it will get worse. It's the only disease ive ever heard of that has the widely known nickname of the suicide disease due to the fact that a rather high number of patients take their own lives. On top of this i have bipolar disorder that is now not currently under control due to being on a low dose of my mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic. I have been completely insane in the fucking past during episodes of mania and mixed state mania and have scared the shit out of my family and have cost them alot of money. I also have long and rather intense episodes of depression where the only way out seemed taking my own life. But i have not and hope to fuck i never do.

I am currently not working due to neither disease being controlled at the moment and it would no doubt be in the best financial interest of both the government and my family if i was taking a nice long dirt nap. However as much as the government would no doubt love one less cunt on the dole my family and friends would no doubt pay all the money in the world to keep me here. I don't feel guilty often (well okay these days it's getting more common but that has nothing to do with this) but when i do it's usually over scaring someone or alot of people by fucking up and letting them think im going to die or have died. I have had friends i havent talked to in months call me worried that i have offed myself or died of a drug overdose or something similar. So as much as family and friends might benefit financially from having me dead i would cost them alot more then money by actually ending up dead. Sadly the best friends i grew up with are mostly dead so i know all to well what the death of someone close to you costs.

I don't know you at all but hell i hope to fuck you don't off yourself. I know that not much anyone can say can snap you out of this kind of thinking (atleast this is my own experience) but please man stay alive and kicking and get some help. Theres no shame in getting help at all it takes way more balls to admit you have a problem and get help then to deny it and do nothing.

Please man if your alive and kicking give us a update.

Suicide is not selfish.

People who say that have obviously never been depressed.
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I would agree that it is not selfish but hell is any death easy on people close to the person?
 
Wake up man. SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I feel like throwing cold water on your or something. Its just your ego fucking you over man. Telling you how worthless and how shit your life is over and over again. Its a fucking parasite. Its like not knowing your dreaming. Just look at it for what it is :) Surely you are not some permanently defective human being.

I find its like a ball of energy trapped inside me that is eating me away. Something I cling to because the familiar is comfortable, and change is painful, but birth is painful.

Your life is beautiful. What blinds you to that? What dark cloud has floated over your mind that makes it so that you can not see the beauty of light? It sounds to me that instead of killing yourself, you should devote yourself to figuring out where you have gone wrong and how you can fix your fragmented self.
 
damn i keep checking this thread evrey hour hoping captian will post back.No one here knows how to contact him? im really hoping he overcame the urge to self harm.captian if you're reading this pls let us know ur ok.
 
CB I am going from entertaining suicide to trying to come to terms with it. I feel where you are coming from so you are not alone. I do not have the right to tell you do not do it. I do not know your pain.

Mine is I realize I have no love for life. Never really have. The only thing I love is opiates. Being high for the few moments I am gives me a unique happiness but it is followed by intense pain. It is no way to live.

I want to be where you are in regards to being ok with taking your own life. I want that peace you have with it.

But I have to say there is a human part of me that says don't. I can not encourage you to do it and I am not doing that saying what I am saying. I want you to find the magic bullet that makes you want to live and I want to find it to but I know magic isn't real.
 
I do not see an out of my opiate addiction other than suicide. I hope I can come to peace with my own demise as you have. As the days go by I see myself having no other way out. I do not really fear death. I know it isn't permanent. Energy is neither created or destroyed so we do not truly die. Only our bodies do. It is the guilt knowing it will destory my dad and sister. If I can come to terms with that I am on my way.
 
captainballs said:
I think I speak for more than myself when I say that I am terminally depressed. You are all correct, I absolutely do not have to commit suicide. I can work through this, because I have a choice. However, I did not choose to have these options. In other words, I did not choose to exist. My older brother doesn't have to make this choice because he was aborted. I am fully aware that I am in a state of psychosis because I really don't know why exactly I'm going to do this. I just know that every time I don't put this to an end, I regret it - and the regret is like a virus that grows less dormant as time goes by. Now it has evolved into a normal part of my personal thoughts, so normal in fact that I think and plan the end whether I am happy, sad, wearing a hat, or petting a cat. I think about it while eating a lollipop, and also at the record shop.
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It's almost frightening to read something so close to my own thoughts. I understand this feeling. I also know that my fate is likely sealed and that my end will come by my own hand. Knowing these things I can't tell you not to do it but it does seem from reading your posts personally that you are a good person and seeing the kind words written about that you still possibly have something to cling on to. If not for an extended time atleast for a short time.
 
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