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Lack of love and stuff wrecked my life

T

TryptamineBunny

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 23, 2011
Messages
105
Thisw is kinda hard to write, and I'm not sure its in the right section. I am now in my 40's and not been in love for years. In fact I have had very little love while seemingly surrounded by people who get it (or just sex) all the time.

As a direct result of this I became a recluse and couldn't work anymore. As the years rolled by I lost more and more confidence and everytime I think about this subject I just get depressed. I do try my best to keep myself busy with various things, and am always looking for an opportunity to go out and meet people but find most scenarios (except raves) bore me, and dont fill me with confidence that anything will happen.

I have tried looking and not looking. I just feel that somehow I am cursed to never have what I seek. The main reason I use drugs is to provide relief from the intense loneliness, and to stop the self-mocking feeling that otherwise brings me down.

I dont even know why i'm posting this, it wont serve any purpose to me or anyone else. I guess i just wanted to say that those who get left out of these nice parts of life cannot live and contribute to society happily. All we can do is try to stove off the pain until the great release.

Even after all these years I cant quite believe this has happened to me. No love, no kids, no job, no future. I guess its just as well the drugs I get are top notch. What a tragedy there is no-one to share with and build a life with.

I should add that I'm an extremely intense and probably quite wierd kind of guy, although totally honest and trustworthy etc. Due to this I cannot stand mainstream stuff of any kind. Whether that be prime time TV or pubs and nightclubs. The corporate entertainment options dont do it for me. For these reasons my failure is all my own fault, for it is me. Despite my best efforts no amount of drugs will allow me to escape me, or to change who I am. Stuck with with this mind and body till the grave :(

I still try to make the best of things though. As long as I have some weed I can escape some of the harsh reality. I will continue to try new things and trying to find positive social possibilities. Cant see there's much more I can do.

Please move this to 'the dark side' if more suitable, but its not the dark side of drugs, its the dark side of living without love in a corporate state that opposes humanity itself. At least thats the reality for me.
 
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Dude, i can relate. More than you think, and I'm only half your age. Jadedness of all the superficiality people seem to be content/satisfied with is a theme i struggle with daily. Its a very alienating feeling to be the individual, and lonely. But i realized that no matter how much you "grow" into who you become, the only way to change things is never stop trying to relate to people w/ your interests. Otherwise you become so obsessed and deep into your specialization its very difficult to relate to other people. Think of the astrophysicist that focuses only on his work, and when he feels lonely and wants relatable companionship, thats a very difficult task to find someone you can relate to being so "spun out" as far as general human relatability.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4Pq8q4QVug

"happiness is only real when shared"

Its never too late, life's one big mathematical game of chance, theres always the chance for happiness/love/sharing. The factor that tips the odds in your favor is remembering that and keeping it in practice. The minute you think your not able to find happiness/love is when you are least likely to find it. You find what your looking for, for good or bad. No matter how reality presents itself, if you want to be happy/find love you have to push through with a positive mindset.

<3 You may not have people you think you can relate to IRL, but here thats a given. Don't let life make you jaded and withdrawn, its the biggest regret of my life so far.
 
I know when I was using, it blocked my emotions and made me numb to people. When I stopped I notice alot more people looking at me and taking interest in me, even if that just means starting conversations with me. I feel for you though, because sometimes it does get really lonely.
 
I've sorta accepted that I'll never have the love I actually need.
Just the way the cards were dealt this time..

I keep looking though. That way, maybe if it ever does happen that things change, it'll be an pleasant surprise.
 
Its not all bad i guess. The thought of getting old is bad enough when you have these things, but without them, its an easy decision. With no dependents and no-one to hurt, may as well just put the pedal to the metal and just risk everything everyday. It also makes me unenslaveable which is nice, because any potential slaver has more to lose than me. Perhaps I should use this to more aggressively compete for love. Anyone I would be competing with would have more to lose.

Sort of amazing what you can imagine if consequences become irrelevant. I like to try and make the best of the situation.
 
At least get a job so you're doing something constructive. You might find someone there anyway!
 
slimvictor said:
Maybe the body, but you are never stuck with your mind.
You can always change it.
You give away your power too easily, my friend.
Change your mind and change your life. ;)

Peace <3
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I agree. You're in your 40s and you still have time to find sex and love. It's not going to happen unless you get out and meet people, date them, and get to know them and have a relationship with them. I suggest this since I don't always like to meet people via the internet or let's just say I have had some good, and some downright creepy experiences with people who I met online in public for a date. Meeting people online for dating can work but get to know each other really well and meet in public the first few times.
 
TryptamineBunny said:
I dont even know why i'm posting this, it wont serve any purpose to me or anyone else.
Click to expand...

I can totally relate to what you're saying pal, in fact your post almost seems like it was written about me! I'm 38, and I've just drifted through life, from drink problem, to drug problem to loneliness and depression, constantly seeking for some fantasy woman that doesn't exist, managing to push away every woman that doesn't measure up to this busty curvy nympho raving Evo driving Star Trek fan holy grail bird that I've managed to create in my head!

On the surface, I've got a decent job, nice house and car, but there's always been something 'missing' so I've always escaped that feeling initially with booze, then weed, pills, coke and finally Mephedrone. I'm lucky that I've got a girlfriend that's just starting to understand my emotional problems at the same time that I am just starting to understand them too after years of thinking I'm not good enough or I don't deserve to be happy, and I'm just starting to find a balance that suits - no drink and defo no drugs in the week, then a nice smoke with some super snakebite on weekends, and a nice drone bender once every couple of months or so, and that keeps my desire to escape myself pretty much at bay!
 
Smellmet, I haven't been seeking a fantasy woman. I have had so few opportunities that I haven't been choosy at all. The only women I have turned away have been in those rare moments I was with someone, and so have always been faithful. Not that this so-called virtue ever helped me in the slightest.

I am glad you quoted the line you did, as I feel quite strongly about that. Given my age (even though I'm not very mature, hence so much frustration), and the fact I have no job, nor even any prospects since I cannot stand the work I have all my skills in (computer programming), and that I have been signed off sick for a decade, and not born of money and thus relatively poor, I know I have next to nothing to offer. Nor do I have enough time left to realistically retrain in some new area of work, and due to the previous efforts collapsing, no motivation to do so either.

Its basically game-over for me, for any realistic chance of having a loving relationship with chance to have children etc. There is no point in asking advice about it, or for tips to change the situation, and as such, there was nothing to be gained from making such a post. I just did it because I am so far down that I no longer care about consequences. If there is anything to gain for others from this, although I'm not sure what, then at least I have tried to keep giving till the end. Somehow what has happened to me must be my own fault, and I must pay the price for that.
 
sort the job out- i'm sorry but being employed helps you to meet people and having money makes you more attractive.

also maybe your cynical attitude and harsh way of looking at yourself dont help.

in order to be attractive to others we need to value ourselves. if I dont love MYSELF, why should anyone else? people are drawn to positivity.

what drugs you been using? MDMA? because you have this intense poor me way of thinking that screams depression/ permanent comedown.

man up- 70 year old men in afganistan have produced children, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and put changes in place today so that you can make the most of your future.

stop living in the past in a bubble of melodrama- if you dont like your career you can train up in something else. what were you signed off work with?
 
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Nowhere near mentally strong enough to do what you suggest. Bear in mind I live in the UK, so a new job from zero provides less income or at best equal income to being on benefits, with much higher expenses. Due to my mental state and what I have learned over the years, there is no way I could hold a job down. The first power-hungry/manipulator who tried flexing his/her power thing on me would be met with some kind of instinctive auto-reponse from me and then I would be in even worse trouble.

We are all affected by the past, particularly alarm reactions to those things that have caused harm before.

I will try my best to 'man-up' as you say, in my own way, and definitely not at the hands of someone who doesn't have my interest at heart. Like i said earlier, posting such a thread serves no purpose. It will not help me find happiness. That I have to do myself.
 
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look having a job really improves your mood because with it comes social interaction, money and a lack of free time. too much free time gives you too much time to think which is sometimes a bad thing.

you wont know if you could hold a job down unless you try- such a defeatist attitude.

my last job involved working with autistic adults, the first one of which was frankly dangerous and scary. i've never been so scared at work as the day he flipped and destroyed the place, but it was an eye opener. and since then the others i worked with were fun and interesting even if they were at times violent i.e. biting my arm/slapping my face.

new experiences are what life is made of.

your life is stale because you make it so. get out there and do something.
 
pofacedhoe said:
look having a job really improves your mood because with it comes social interaction, money and a lack of free time. too much free time gives you too much time to think which is sometimes a bad thing.

you wont know if you could hold a job down unless you try- such a defeatist attitude.

my last job involved working with autistic adults, the first one of which was frankly dangerous and scary. i've never been so scared at work as the day he flipped and destroyed the place, but it was an eye opener. and since then the others i worked with were fun and interesting even if they were at times violent i.e. biting my arm/slapping my face.

new experiences are what life is made of.

your life is stale because you make it so. get out there and do something.
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This is what I was trying to say in my first post. I just couldn't figure out how to say it. Eloquence isn't one of my strong points lol.
 
sounds to me like youve failed in the past. now youve seem to adopted this attitude that you cant fail if you dont try. you cant go through life feeling down on yourself because thatll just manifest into your personality. you have to see everyday as filled with opportunities to succeed. you can find love everywhere, just think of how telemarketers work. u call 200 people and maybe 5 of them buy something, with more training soon itll be ten. same thing with women, u strike out with alot but each time u learn more about their pitching until u can hit a homerun.

sorry i had to end it so corny, but its really late and i should be sleeping
 
You are not a victim.

That is the first and only step to overcoming your feelings of desperate plight. Look in the mirror, stare directly into your eyes and say you are not a victim. Say it louder. Chant it. Believe it. Feel it.

It's true.

The universe operates in a simple way: like attracts like. Your thoughts and beliefs are reflected back into your life, shown to you via circumstances, emotions and feelings.

You can begin to change, to break the self-perpetuating cycle of addiction, shame and isolation, by admitting to yourself you have created your own reality. And because you acknowledge you have created it, you can decide, at any moment, to create a new one.

Have you hit your rock bottom yet? Are you ready to take the first step in detaching yourself from years of negativity and self-defeating attitude?
 
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